I went to school this morning as prepared as I could be for my audition. If I succeeded, I would be allowed back into the music program to complete my degree in Church Music, otherwise I would have to graduate witha Bachelor of Religious Studies. I
spent every extra minute I had in the last 2 weeks practicing the music they
gave me and felt I did well at my audition. Ultimately the final decision was a
no. I will not be allowed to continue to pursue a Bachelor of Arts in Music.
They said I lacked dynamic range, my phrasing was non-existent until I had
someone conducting me and the syncopation in the last song I sight read was
non-existent. All of it was true. My personal feeling is that the clumsiness I
have felt in my left hand for a long time now is not just that I am out of
practice. When I get a migraine aura, it takes out the sensation in the left
side of my body and if I injure myself, it tends to be on my left side. I think
it is likely there is damage from the fight when I was 16 that can’t be
diagnosed to the parts of my brain that communicate with my left side. Whether
that is right or not, I have to move on with my life. The adjudicators did
comment that they felt my music, though not of professional calibre, was still
beautiful and encouraged me to continue playing. The triumphs I saw were that a
year ago when someone tried to conduct me, I couldn’t play anything at all.
Today I was able to play the melody and a couple of harmony notes and maintain
some semblance of rhythm while being conducted. I also consider it a major
triumph that I had to perform under scrutiny and I didn’t have a panic attack.
Don’t get me wrong, I was really nervous, but it wasn’t a panic attack.
Apparently those nerves listened this morning when I told them they weren’t
allowed to play their old games of tying up my fingers, sitting on my chest,
and erasing my memory.
I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support
through this process. It has been difficult but I feel that with your support,
I rose to the challenge and faced it well, even if it didn’t turn out the way I
wanted. God has been revealing a plan to me for the last year that many of you
have heard about. There is a gap in both the adult and children’s education
systems when it comes to teaching people with disorders like attention, mood,
and learning disorders that affect learning. A piece of paper on my wall isn’t
required for me to tell you that sitting in classrooms and trying to do
homework for the last 12 years has been one of the most difficult experiences
of my life and many other people out there like me feel the same way. I will
finish my degree on the highest note I possibly can with my head held high and
feeling accomplished for even completing the program. For many like me, that is
something they will never do. Once I am done school, I will be moving forward with
my idea to create kaiRos Cognitive Care Center. It will be a place where people
like me can make connections to caregivers who believe they can do something
significant with their lives, teachers who believe personal attention is a
benefit, and friends who truly understand what they are going through. It will
be birthed out of my passion to help others succeed and will run on the
principle that none should be left behind. Information and the skills required
to acquire it should be free, even to those who have trouble reading, deciding
what to read first, feeling like reading all the time, or understanding what
they read. It is true that when God closes one door, he inevitably opens
another, even if we don’t see it at first and so I am going to walk through
this one with His hand in mine.
Though I am about to start a new chapter in my life, the
close of this one is still hard to take. I will be spending a day or 2
grieving, eating chocolate, pampering myself and being loved on by my husband
then I will stand up stronger, fiercer, steadfast in the love of Christ,
knowing that God knows the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to
harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. I have sought God with all my
heart through this and he has shown me that he is faithful. I may not be doing a dance of joy for the outcome, but I give Him all the
glory for what might come out of this. I thank you all for your continued love,
prayers, hugs and support and look forward to seeing what God has in store for
us together.
