Blah

It would seem the harder I try to pursue a state of contentment with my current surroundings, the more frustrated I get. It seems the harder I try to do something that I feel will get me closer to the life I want to have, the farther away it feels. I keep hoping people around me will start wanting to spend time with me, as in asking me if I want to do things, inviting me to tag along for movies, asking me to coffee. I was starting to think I was asking too much, but D and M have both started doing just that. Problem is, D is leaving soon and M, as I would think everyone should be, doesn't have the energy to be my only friend. I want to cry out to people and tell them how I feel in a way that will make them want to do it, but when I run it through my head I sound high maintenance and whiny. Is it asking too much to just want people to want to spend time with me? Sometimes I feel like it is. Problem is, now that I've posted this, if anyone does start to ask me to spend time with them, I won't give them credit for it because I had to ask. All of my life, I have tried my best to anticipate the needs of others and proactively provide for them so they would see value in my being and reciprocate, but it sometimes feels like no one has done the same for me. I am probably just over-reacting, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me heart-sick. I have a lot of days I just wish I could do a mental reset and be like everyone else, but unfortunately that's not possible. It would seem I have no way to turn this unhealthy thought train around. It spins around on this closed track over and over forever keeping me from being able to be content. I have tried thought-stopping, I have tried positive re-enforcement, I have tried habitual replacement, I have tried cognitive behavioral therapy. Still I'm trapped in the cycle. I feel like the only thing that will change it is a regular pattern of people wanting me around, but I know even that won't help. Thought blogging it out would help, but so far.......

Audition

I went to school this morning as prepared as I could be for my audition. If I succeeded, I would be allowed back into the music program to complete my degree in Church Music, otherwise I would have to graduate witha  Bachelor of Religious Studies. I spent every extra minute I had in the last 2 weeks practicing the music they gave me and felt I did well at my audition. Ultimately the final decision was a no. I will not be allowed to continue to pursue a Bachelor of Arts in Music. They said I lacked dynamic range, my phrasing was non-existent until I had someone conducting me and the syncopation in the last song I sight read was non-existent. All of it was true. My personal feeling is that the clumsiness I have felt in my left hand for a long time now is not just that I am out of practice. When I get a migraine aura, it takes out the sensation in the left side of my body and if I injure myself, it tends to be on my left side. I think it is likely there is damage from the fight when I was 16 that can’t be diagnosed to the parts of my brain that communicate with my left side. Whether that is right or not, I have to move on with my life. The adjudicators did comment that they felt my music, though not of professional calibre, was still beautiful and encouraged me to continue playing. The triumphs I saw were that a year ago when someone tried to conduct me, I couldn’t play anything at all. Today I was able to play the melody and a couple of harmony notes and maintain some semblance of rhythm while being conducted. I also consider it a major triumph that I had to perform under scrutiny and I didn’t have a panic attack. Don’t get me wrong, I was really nervous, but it wasn’t a panic attack. Apparently those nerves listened this morning when I told them they weren’t allowed to play their old games of tying up my fingers, sitting on my chest, and erasing my memory. 

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support through this process. It has been difficult but I feel that with your support, I rose to the challenge and faced it well, even if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. God has been revealing a plan to me for the last year that many of you have heard about. There is a gap in both the adult and children’s education systems when it comes to teaching people with disorders like attention, mood, and learning disorders that affect learning. A piece of paper on my wall isn’t required for me to tell you that sitting in classrooms and trying to do homework for the last 12 years has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life and many other people out there like me feel the same way. I will finish my degree on the highest note I possibly can with my head held high and feeling accomplished for even completing the program. For many like me, that is something they will never do. Once I am done school, I will be moving forward with my idea to create kaiRos Cognitive Care Center. It will be a place where people like me can make connections to caregivers who believe they can do something significant with their lives, teachers who believe personal attention is a benefit, and friends who truly understand what they are going through. It will be birthed out of my passion to help others succeed and will run on the principle that none should be left behind. Information and the skills required to acquire it should be free, even to those who have trouble reading, deciding what to read first, feeling like reading all the time, or understanding what they read. It is true that when God closes one door, he inevitably opens another, even if we don’t see it at first and so I am going to walk through this one with His hand in mine. 

Though I am about to start a new chapter in my life, the close of this one is still hard to take. I will be spending a day or 2 grieving, eating chocolate, pampering myself and being loved on by my husband then I will stand up stronger, fiercer, steadfast in the love of Christ, knowing that God knows the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. I have sought God with all my heart through this and he has shown me that he is faithful. I may not be doing a dance of joy for the outcome, but I give Him all the glory for what might come out of this. I thank you all for your continued love, prayers, hugs and support and look forward to seeing what God has in store for us together.

The Facebook Status

Some of you were taken very much by surprise by my Facebook status today. I feel you deserve more information than I can share in a simple status update so here it is. For those of you who didn't see it, the status was:

For anyone who might be listening:

I am now certain that Hope is no longer my friend. I wait, breath no longer abated, for Dignity to be quietly whisked away. Conversing with Dispair I find that it is my only companion, Sorrow my only refuge.

Many of you know that I have been working on my music degree for 13 years now on and off. Last year I was told not to expect to graduate this year and was ok with adding another year. A couple of weeks ago I found out my program co-ordinator was requiring another 3 years, solely for piano lessons. She told me to take solace in the fact that these lessons could be taken during the spring and summer to expedite the process, but they were necessary nonetheless. My husband and I have already spent $75,000 on this degree and I have given 13 years of my life to it both inside and out of the classroom. We decided before the year began that this would be my last year regardless of whether I graduated or not. We have already sacrificed the priviledge of owning our own house and buying our own car for this, and now we have reached the limit of what we are willing to sacrifice.

I set out this year to prove that I have overcome my performance anxiety, officially the only thing stopping me from graduating. I had hoped to change the minds of the administration and convince them I am really ready. I kind of understand them wanting me to be able to perform in public before they will give me a performance degree so I faced the mountain before me and said to it, "before this year is out, I will look back and you will be a mole hill, regardless of whether I graduate or not." I have pursued that goal with a vengence. I spend somewhere in the neighbourhood of 8-9 hours a day on the piano on the weekends. I thoroughly enjoy playing that much and I feel like I am making way better progress than I ever did before. I have already pretty much mastered an exercise given to me the first week of class this year and am trying to work through the one that has been my greatest challenge since day 1.

This is all well and good, but nowhere near worthy of the reaction you saw today. The impetus for that came from a conversation I had with my piano teacher today. I have been concerned with my progress in piano lessons as I know I will be years getting to a level of mastery the school is comfortable with at the rate I am going. I asked my piano teacher today whether I have viable skills as a musician, citing my composition and arranging skills and increased momentum in my lessons as evidence. He said they are awesome skills but you don't need a degree to do that and you won't make a living off it. He said that at the rate I'm going I shouldn't expect to be able to make any kind of decent living in the music industry either.

Please note that I long ago abandoned any ideas of making a "decent" living. My inability to keep the easiest of jobs and my frustration in the classroom have basically proven to me that I am not a bread-winner. That's my husband's job. I am just doing my best to find a place in this world that will give my existence some meaning and purpose. Something that will give some sense to the muck and mire that has been my life. There are MANY things in my life I have been told I can't do: be a secretary, be a shipping clerk, teach music for someone else's academy. The only thing that I have never been told I can't do is music. It is what I turn to when I am dispairing and when I am joyful. It is what gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. It is the last shred of hope I have before I sit down and listen to the voice in my head that screams loudly on a regular basis that I am a waste of human flesh and I should just crawl under a rock and die. I am grasping desperately to hold onto that hope as I am not convinced that my school sees the entire picture, but the intense respect and reverence I have for the musicians I am learning from gives their voice quite a bit of credibility in my mind. If they were to tell me the sky was green, I might just believe them for a little while.

Please know that all I have ever wanted to do with my life is to make music, whether I am composing my own or reproducing someone else's. The moment when I can forget about the mechanical side of reading the music and give myself to God's inspiration within the melodies and rhythms is sheer ecstasy to me. I feel like I am at home with God and we are playing around together. I can't leave that feeling behind but the venues where I would like to have explored this require some kind of certification. To work in a church, I have to have a certification that says I know the bible, to market myself as a musician, I need a past history of talent and skill, to join an orchestra, I need either conservatory or university training. I can't help but feel that I should be contributing to my household either by having and raising children or earning some money so we can be comfortable while we cope with not being able to right now and with what my piano teacher said today, I am feeling that door close very firmly in my face.

There are several things going through my heart right now. Most of them are anger directed at different people. Some at the people who told me I had to have a university degree to do anything when I was 19 years old, some at myself for believing them and wasting $75000 of my family's money, some at the education system for being so inflexible, some at the prostitutes who tried to kill me when I was 16 as it is the brain injury I got from that fight that has made it so I have to deal with these challenges. Ultimately there is no one to blame for this unfortunate circumstance and so my heart is broken that by no fault of my own, the thing from which I have drawn all of my value might be taken away from me.

The reason you saw the post you did was because this one hurts enough that I am not able to find the positive. I know it's there. If nothing else, God has taught me in my life that there is always a brighter side. This time I am hurting so bad that I am having trouble even looking for it. I have a meeting this Thursday with the Academic Dean, my program director and my piano teacher to discuss my program and I hope to convince them that there is something I can do, but have already been told there's not much point.

Please pray for me. I know that God's will is ultimately going to prevail whatever it may be and even if it is that I won't be able to graduate, some good will come of it. For today, I am left hurting very badly and feeling very alone. That said, it won't stop me from performing at Rockin' the Pygmy this Thursday, I just don't know exactly what I will be playing. Hopefully it will include Surrender.

Does God view the offering of a single, common person who has chosen out of devotion to follow Him as more pleasing than that of a ruler, priest or group of people.  This would apply significance to our choice to follow God devoutly in our personal lives. This does not make the offering of the priest or leader insignificant, just expected. It is like the story of the prodigal son. The son who did not run away showed by his actions his devotion to his father and the inability of the temptations of “freedom”, “pleasure” and “splendor” to turn him away from his devotion. His continued presence in the home became expected and triumph over temptation was never necessary, thus there was nothing to celebrate. In the passage being studied, the leaders and the priests have chosen roles that the offerings are expected regardless of whether that person wants to make them or not. In addition, the congregation as a whole may not in its entirety be sincere in the offering. They may be attending solely to avoid being singled out. They are not turning away from a sinful life by making the offering, instead they are doing it out of duty. Back to the story of the prodigal, the second son, by leaving, showed that he would entertain the idea of not living in the house. He showed that he could in fact be won over by temptation. His choice to return and remain at home was with the knowledge of what the other option could be. Returning and remaining was to be celebrated as he made the choice to reject “freedom” and “pleasure” and “splendor” over and over again each morning. It would be like having a modern conversion experience over and over again every time a person discovered they had sinned. Much could be said about the accuracy and legitimacy of this speculation, but for the purpose of this study, it will be left purely as that. Speculation and contemplation of what this could mean in the absence of direct scriptural confirmation or rejection of the exploration.

The Irritating Vibration Becomes The Resonant Hum

So it's taken a lot of work, a lot of tears and a lot of help from a lot of people (thanks Mom, Dad, Rich, Karin, Adele, Angeline, Colleen and everyone else that helped to keep me going this semester), but I feel like my life is starting to show some progress. It's not just a chaotic mess anymore. Goals that I have had on the back-burner for a very long time are finally starting to come together. I finished my semester having actually performed my first "Evolution of Lady K" concert, got B's in a lot of my classes and had a good argument as to why I would like the school to re-visit the 2 D's I did get. If my appeals are successful, my overall GPA this term would be around 2.4. Not great, but considering how badly I crashed and burned at the end, not entirely poor either.

I learned an extremely valuable lesson this semester. One that I probably should have already known and coming out the other end can honestly say I should have known better. I learned that no matter what I want to achieve in life, no matter how smart, talented, charismatic or funny I am, I CANNOT DO IT ALONE. I tried to rely on my own abilities this semester to manage my homework and life loads. What I keep forgetting is that my abilities are actually impaired. It is clinically diagnosed and as much as I don't want to see myself as having a disability or disorder of any kind, all the wishing in the world will not get rid of it. Unfortunately, it's just the way I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm just going to flop down and give up on anything I ever wanted to do saying "Woe is me, I'm broken". Au contraire, I am looking at it as just the opposite. I am not broken, I am different. There's nothing wrong with different. It's just different and that's ok. In fact, it means that I can dream of doing things like opening live-in treatment centers for people with Attention and learning disorders and developing a renaissance college of music in the city and not feel strange. If people look at me sideways about it, I just tell them "welcome to life with a dreamer".

I read a book called "The Disorganized Mind" this semester (thanks mom for helping me make sense of it). It is a book about the challenges faced by those with ADHD giving them strategies to manage these challenges in such a way as to be more successful in their everyday life. According to the book, the concept of "neuroplasticity" says a person with ADHD can learn out of their difficulties. That means that a brain never stops learning. Even if a person gets brain damage that stops them from doing something they previously could do, the brain is resiliant enough that by repetition and consistent effort (the same things required to teach anything to a 4 year old I might add) it is POSSIBLE (not guaranteed) that the person can re-learn what it is they could no longer do. The ADHD brain has physical differences in the area that deals with executive function and so those processes don't work the same. With the concept of neuroplasticity, people with ADHD and therefore impaired executive functions (memory, prioritization and attention) can hope to succeed by basically borrowing someone else's executive function to retrain their own. If instead of just sitting there with a mantra of "I want to do it so I can do it, I want to do it so I can do it" spinning yourself into oblivion, "The Disorganized Mind" recommends hiring what they call an ADHD coach to help keep the person accountable. Imagine trying to remember what you didn't remember so you can try to remember it when your rememberer muscle is broke. It's almost as hard to understand as that sentence. It is nearly impossible for someone with ADHD to keep themselves accountable for something. The role of the ADHD coach is to find out what the person is trying to get better at and be their accountability partner. The reason for using an ADHD coach instead of say a family member or friend is because the coach is intentionally trained in the intricacies of the ADHD mind. They understand the impact of self-esteem on a person's ability to do something. They realize that just because the person failed at something doesn't mean they don't care about it, it just means they didn't succeed at it and just because they did it yesterday doesn't mean they will be able to do it today. The coach helps the person with ADHD analyze what went wrong when they did fail at something, kicking them out of old self-loathing habits and helping to start a new language that will re-inforce success instead of failure.

The process is to analyze what stops a person with ADHD from succeeding at what they want to do, keeping in mind that part of it is because of the ADHD, not because they are a defective person or whatever else their mind is trying to tell them (in my case, time-management and prioritizing), analyze exactly where the process they are using breaks down in extreme detail (I get side-tracked by other projects and tell myself I need to work on that project because it is just as important as the other thing I needed to do, when in actuality, this project could wait and I should be trying to be on time for whatever appointment I have), create a strategy to avoid it next time, playing to your strengths. If you are visual, make it visual, if you are auditory, make it auditory (for me, I have a list in my Outlook calendar of what I want to get done in a day with pictures to motivate me. I also check them off each time I finish them to cater to my tactile nature. If what I am doing is not on the list, I change my focus or call my coach to verify it realy is important), apply the strategy over and over regardless of whether it is successful every time (sometimes tweaks are needed but other times, you just have to rev the engine to get it to turn over. For me, it took weeks of frustration to get this happening but it eventually clicked and I am close to having it become a habit), regularly come back to the plan and decide whether it is working. If it could be more effective, this is where tweaks can be applied (I have to do this on about a weekly basis. So far I either call Mom or Richard to do it), then rinse and repeat.

That is where I have trouble. When I complete it one day, I want to say "There, I did it" and not think about it again. The problem is, if I don't, I won't succeed on the next day's plan. That is the basic idea. You then work it over and over again for each of the issues the ADHD brain deals with, but never working more than one thing at once. Right now, I am working my time-management strategy. I am aware of an issue I have with over-planning, but it would overwhelm me to tackle both. I have to factor in my over-planning when making my day's schedule. After managing my day's schedule is a habit, I will start working on reducing the amount of time I spend planning. Once that's done, I will identify the next thing standing in my way. Strangely enough, now that I am actually being conscious of what I am spending my time doing, I am unintentionally beginning to build in time for the things I have been neglecting like exercise and nutrition. It is all working together to make me more successful.

Out of this new-found rhythm, I have realized (with my Spiritual Director's help) that what I am doing here is living out a new Rule of Life. There is a difference between a Rule of Life and a New Year's Resolution. A Rule of Life says "this activity or idea or habit is important to me. I am going to change my lifestyle to accomodate and reflect it" whereas a New Year's Resolution says "This Year I am going to do X". The resolution doesn't affect the value system and doesn't guide other principles in your life. I have decided to write my Rule of Life here where others can keep me accountable to it. Here goes.

 I am going to use my life to follow the path that God shows me no matter where it leads. I will do my best to use virtues like goodness, kindness, self-control, honesty, mercy and justice (some of the characteristics of God himself) to guide the decisions I make. I will make sure to set aside the time I need to take care of my own body because if I do not, it will shorten the amount of time I am here to serve God. I will look at myself in the mirror and speak with honesty and truth about what I see, remembering grace that God has granted along with accountability and repentance. I will do my best to be the prism that God uses to refract the light of His love to shine abundantly on those around me.

So there it is. Next step is to see where that takes me. Ithink I have an idea, but that's a conversation for another day.

The Evolution of Lady K

So I had the first of my "Evolution of Lady K" concerts tonight. I think its more of a recital than a concert but whatever it is, it's good. Don't get me wrong, I made mistakes in every song I played and some I even had to try 3 times, but I was ok with it. I knew it wasn't detrimental. I didn't have the same overwhelming sense of dread that I usually get when I'm performing. The concert was intimate. Only 3 people were able to come, but I am so grateful that they made it. They were the right people to have there for the first concert. I've already decided to have another one on Dec 9 that will be a Christmas theme and will probably be a good old fashioned carol sing. Way I figure it, the more I can perform the better. I'm hoping that by the end of January I have worked on some repertoire with my piano teacher so I can play some new music. This was fun thougbh. I'm really glad I did it.

On a side note, I have to say I'm always amazed at how God works. I expected that this concert would just be me playing music and having some big epiphany about being afraid to play that would matter to me. Instead, God blind sides me with the size of my audience. I didn't expect to be so upset if only a few people could come, but I was. On Wednesday I was absolutely devastated. God decided to turn that around and show me that I have been taking those people that really do appreciate my music and have been present when I am playing for granted. Dad coming to Red Deer to see the choir perform, Richard coming to the choir concert in Calgary and many other times that people have gone out of their way to see me play. I'm realizing that even if I'm not playing to a stadium full of people, the performance still matters to whoever is listening and I need to put the people that didn't come out of my mind and play amazingly to say thank you to the people that did come as a thank you for their time. Some day I may play to a sold out crowd, but in the meantime, I will play to whoever will listen.


P.S. - keep your eyes (ears) peeled. I have started working on the Surrender recording and there is an entire album's worth of inspiration coming from it. It's called "The Evolution of Lady K". Stay tuned for more info.

Returns and renovations

Alright, so I just saw my spiritual director for the first time in somewhere near 2 months and we added a room to the house... well, we didn’t add a room, we FOUND a new room in the house today (Click Here if you haven`t read about the house or would like a refresher). Apparently, and not very surprisingly, God’s house has a recital hall. When I am doing anything for other people in the real world, I’m in the recital hall in God’s house. Recently I`ve been trying to figure out what`s going on with these panic attacks that have been happening every time I try to do something like play piano in public or suggest ideas to people. People have always said that worship is not only directed at God but done in conjunction with him. Only if he blesses our worship and we include him in the expression of it can we really do whatever it is we are offering to him as worship so his presence is critical. Based on that, praying before performances and inviting him in actually is an important thing.

I think this is very true and I have agreed with it since the very first time I heard it, but again in my life there is a difference between the way things are understood (head knowledge) and the way things are practiced (heart knowledge). It’s almost like I have an interior world. Everything that happens on the outside has an expression on the inside. So with the panic attack, there are actually physical things happening in my interior world that help me understand my exterior world. In this case it’s that as soon as I sit down at the piano in the exterior and have trouble reading the first note I get scared and that adrenaline rushes and on the inside I scream. Before I screamed I was sitting at the piano but now I have jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs and am running like crazy around the house. I am nowhere near the piano anymore. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just running and somehow I find myself out the front door down the street and run until I can’t run anymore.

That`s what’s happening inside when I`m having the panic attack on the outside. When I finally do tire out and can’t run any longer I stop and look around. I am in the strangest place. It`s an intersection of roads that don’t seem to lead anywhere. I somehow know that every road leads back to the house (something tells me God has something to do with that) so I don’t have to worry about which road to take I just have to start walking. Over the years, the trip home has gotten shorter and shorter but the amount of time that I spend running has gotten longer and longer (regular laws of physics don`t apply. A long run means its a long time before I stop panicking and a short walk home means I don`t try to avoid God anymore).

So we did an exercise today using God`s house (read up on Ignaatius sanctified imagination for more info).I lived in my spiritual world for a few moments to see what happens when the panic attack starts and how to resolve things. Usually what happens is I have my spastic panic screech and run out the door. Eventually I do come home and God is always at the front door and I have nothing left. I don’t even have the energy to walk into the healing room or the throne room or the kitchen. God scoops me up in his arms and he rocks me like an infant until I stop crying. He continues to rock me until I calm down and realize that I am back home in his arms. He takes me out to the terrace to just swing in the glider for a few minutes. If you don’t remember, the terrace is out by the kitchen near the throne room. It`s where the three paths are, the one with the briars, the one with the lawn and the one with the pathway. Apparently we’ve decorated the terrace cause it now has a glider swing. One of those outdoor rocky swingy things for 2 people. Me and god just sit there for a while. He doesn’t need me to say anything cause he already knows everything, he doesn’t need me to do anything cause there’s nothing he can’t do. He doesn’t need me to be better or change or do anything at all. He only needs me to just be and to remember that I am cherished and that we will try it again.

So eventually all of this works itself out. I’ve calmed down and I`m back in those arms back in that place I like to be. We’re chilling out on the terrace and we can chat. What he told me today, what hadn’t clicked before...It’s not just about saying a little prayer before you start playing to invite God into your playing. Instead, it`s that I need to invite him to play a duet with me. God said if I want to jam with him, all I have to do is ask. I can invite him to play with me any time and we can play it as a duet. I think that`s what happened years ago when I played Bridge Over Troubled Water and completely forgot that I had an audience. I didn`t know about the recital hall or God`s house yet but somehow I tapped into it. To me it is a glorious image of what I would like to be doing.

I am again floored by how quickly things click when I finally get them. Even today when I was on Mediashout, before church started I was thinking through the steps and wanting to do so well but it didn`t quite do enough. I still was nervous and tense and panicky and not sure if I was going to do right and that was even before I went to church this morning. Now I`m thinking of next week. I`m scheduled to play piano in church and have no organist to accompany me and playing clarinet in public for the first time when Im so new at the clarinet. Right now I`m actually thinking about this and I`m in a place of joy. I can`t wait to see what it`s going to be like to play a duet with God. Don`t get me wrong. I`m not kidding myself. I`m still going to be nervous and I`m probably still going to have a panic attack. My hope is that this time the panic attack doesn`t send me screaming through the house. My hope is that I can remember that God is there listening and playing with me. My hope is that I am not there playing for the people in the room but sitting in the house jamming with God. I`m getting ecstatic at the idea of being able to play around and jam with God. It is going to be such an absolute blast and I am so looking forward to it.

InstaPoll: Sadie Black's Parody of Rebecca Black's "Friday"

So Rebecca Black posted this video to YouTube a while ago. Recently, a church in Chicago did a parody of it to advertise their Easter church service. One of the angles I am exploring for my book "Theology of the Broken Brain" is the response to creativity and inclusion of secular art in church. I'd like your input. Here's the videos side by side. Please answer the following poll honestly and comment back as to why you responded the way you did. The more answers the better so please pass the site on to your friends.

Thanks again :-)

An exploration of Grace

Hey guys,

thanks for all the feedback so far. It's really giving me food for thought. I'm starting to get an idea of what I want Theology of a Broken Brain to explore. I still don't know exactly what it will say, but I am starting to see it come together. I need some direction if you guys don't mind and this is open to anyone reading this, regardless of whether I know you or not.

I've made a list of the major questions that I have either asked myself or been asked by others since I found out about my brain being so different. I am going to use it as a study guide over the next few weeks to guide my spiritual journey. I am looking for exactly what Scripture says about these things. I have opinions about what commentaries say and so I'm looking for primary source material right now, directly from scripture. Once I have the scriptures collected, then I'll explore the commentaries while I formulate answers.

I've posted my questionnaire so you can use it too. If you have some time and could give me some scriptures to look at for each of the questions, that would be greatly appreciated. I'll be using this with my spiritual director to find what God is trying to say to me and others with mental disorders.

When suggesting scriptures, please keep in mind, I am trying to have the overall theme in the book focus on God's ultimate grace. I will have heavy influence of things like Psalm 139 that God created us and so knows what we are like. The Ultimate Sacrifice and the penatly already being paid is another thing I will focus on. People with mental disorders frequently suffer from issues like self loathing, overpunishment and feelings of abandonment. I don't want to coddle these feelings, but instead speak to them from a loving standpoint. I hope to introduce people suffering from these issues to the God who doats on them and can forget about the things in their past. I also hope to fend off judgment of those who would say that we just aren't trying hard enough. I'll probably spend some time on the difference between lying and not understanding the truth as well.

Even if you don't agree with the standpoint I am taking, your time and input would be greatly appreciated. This is a spiritual learning exercise for me as well so I don't want to presume to know exactly what the answers are. The research for the book is teaching me at the same time as I am trying to communicate my thoughts. Also, even if you don't think you know much about the topic, even if you are a new Christian yourself. I believe strongly in the influence of the Holy Spirit so please give me whatever input you can. Many thanks.

You can either respond by posting in the comment section or email the responses to ldutz@godishere.com. Please include the word questionnaire in the subject so I know what it is about and don't garbage it right away.

Questionnaire


1. What does it mean to be a Christian?

2. What are the minimum requirements to call one’s self a Christian?

3. What spiritual disciplines are “strongly recommended” and why?

4. What disciplines fall more under “take it or leave it”?

5. What does a week in the life of a dedicated Christian look like? How much of this is required and how much is recommended?

6. What are the “no-no”s that will keep us from God?

7. Are Christians capable of sinning? If so, what do we consider a sin since we are already forgiven?

8. What role does attention play in faith? Does God care if we think about something else while we are praying?

9. What does the Bible say about emotions? Does it address what to do when a person’s body isn’t cooperating and they physically can’t control their emotions?

10. Is it sinful to be easily excitable?

11. Is Church as we know it a requirement of faith? If so, where is it commanded in scripture? If not, why is church attendance so important to so many people?

Song Lyrics that connect with me

In His Presence - Sandi Patti
An ever open door
to know our saviour more
in the presence of our Lord

Oh Lord, You're Beautiful
Oh Lord, Your'e beautiful.
Your face is all I seek.
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.

Filed for later

So a lot of my writing changed when I saw the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman. The poem means a lot to me. I have had it on my blog for a while now and I think I can file it for later. I still want it here for reference, but don't think it needs to be on my main page anymore. Gotta love it when life moves, eh?

My inspiration - Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Thoughts while researching

So I need to figure out how I want to approach Theology of a Broken Brain. The other two books are practically writing themselves. There's a reason there are so many volumes printed on theology in general, let alone the specifics. At bible study tonight we read Galations 5:16-22 and I thought that was what I wanted to talk about in Theology of the Broken Brain as alot of the sins of the flesh are things people with attention and learning disorders struggle with. Problem is, when I try to explain it, it quickly becomes do this, do this, do this, do that.

Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.

Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.

I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.

I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?

Thanks for listening

An update...Finally

So if you haven't been reading my 3 year old blogs recently, you may want to follow this link. Even if you just want a reminder of what the Landini cadence is, you may want to follow that link. I find it entertaining to go back and read my posts from previous years. I'm starting to have a better understanding of what was really going on and what I was learning. The Landini cadence of 2008 turned into quite the key change by 2011. Living in the space I am, loving where my life is has been thrilling to say the least.

So I've made the jump now. I quit at TELUS on Friday. There were too many changes happening all at once that made it more and more difficult for me to continue teaching piano, going to school and working there. I made the decision this year that every decision I made would support a path towards becoming a full time piano teacher. That wasn't going to happen if I continued at TELUS. I gave my notice yesterday and they are paying out the two weeks instead of having me work it. Terrifying, but still the right thing for this moment in my life.

I have had an explosion of creativity in the last few weeks. It started with a comment my professor made last fall that someday I would write a book. I laughed it off at first. You guys have seen some of my writing here. I ramble, I talk too much and I make mountains out of mole hills. Most of my favorite ideas get lost in translation when I try to put it into words. I get wrapped up in the details and miss the important stuff.

Because of that, I didn't think I would ever write a book. Consult on a book maybe. Be involved in a film, more likely. Write a book? Not on your life.

Now, I'm not only writing a book, but three books. It started with trying to write a one page summary of the challenges I face. Between neurological disorders and odd personality types, I felt like I had a lot for managers, teachers or mentors to understand if they were to effectively coach me. The one page turned into three. I still didn't feel like I had covered everything. Last January, I thought to myself, "this is better suited for a book". The irony of it didn't strike me till later.

I started by making an outline/Table of Contents. I was trying to figure out what would be in the book. I started getting a better idea of what I wanted to include and what I wanted to say. Since most literature about my issues revolves around children, I wanted to create a guidebook for adults newly diagnosed with my conditions and exploring personality types like mine. I was going to talk about it in the context of adult experiences. The problem was, at the rate I was going, it was going to take an encyclopedia to cover everything I wanted to say.

I started breaking down the information further. There were three main environs my life took place in. Life in general, including interactions with my husband, family, friends and school, Professional life and spiritual life. Not that the information didn't cross from one setting to the next, but the significance changed slightly from one place to the next. Where creative means of managing oneself are readily accepted and for the most part even encouraged in professional life, in spiritual practice, there is a strong caution with regards to new expressions of faith, and this for good reason. School tends to be a little of both.

Basically, it's boiling down to three books. The first is my autobiography. I originally thought it would be called Life as I Feel It - An Autobiographical Exploration of Life As a Kinesthetic. Just this week, with the help of my tutor, I played with calling it Landscape of a Kinesthetic Soul. I like that one better, but the other one is clearer about what I would be discussing since the book is about every aspect of life, not just spirituality.

The second would be a more formal exposition on the research about ADHD, Learning Disabilities (which I would strongly argue should actually be called Learning Disorders, but that's an argument for another day). It would include information clarfying what it really means to be kinesthetic and also explore the effects of being extroverted in certain working conditions. It would discuss the use of analogous reasoning versus transductive logic (one of the reasons I seem to be coming out of nowhere sometimes). I think I'd like to call it Halogen Minds and the Lens of Rare Logic, but I think that title would be a little too confusing for most of the people I'd like to read it.

The third book is one I've joked about for a couple of years now. When I first found out about my ADHD, I frequently talked about my "broken brain". One day when I was thinking randomly, I came up with the title Theology of the Broken Brain. At the time I didn't know what the book would be about and to be honest, I never really thought I would write it, but as I explore expressions of my faith with my spiritual director, I realize that it is very different for me for a lot of reasons. I don't think I'm the only one since I've heard several discussions about kinesthetic prayer and things like it, but it's still a sensitive subject in a lot of circles. I think this one would be a study of what the bible has to say about mental disorders and unique personality types and a discussion of how to express faith in new ways without being a heretic. I don't think I am the final expert on the subject, but maybe my experience will have some impact on other people's journey.

So you're probably thinking "Oh here she goes again on another project". Funny thing is, this time, my tutor is helping me so there's a good chance I'll actually be able to finish it. I also feel like it's something God has been building me up for of late. He's giving me the skills to communicate my experiences and has put me in a place where it can be taken seriously. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see what comes out of it.

Now, if you didn't already think I'm a nut, you probably will now. The explosion of creativity didn't stop at the books. I have stopped trying to figure out why I like what I like. I just like it. Music is an amazing thing. I still feel right at home when I'm creating it. I have to do it differently, but I still love to do it. Last Tuesday I was sitting in my Music History class and we were studying the Baroque Period. I've done it before so not much of it was really news to me, but something new clicked for me. Remember that song I was writing a while back, called Surrender? Well, it came to mind while we were studying Baroque Opera. I've always thought the song would end up in a dramatic setting, but when I thought of it in a musical, it didn't seem right. Musicals seem to have a more comical feel to them. Even if they are serious ones. Surrender is more of an art piece. The vision of the precipice just needs something more than a catchy jingle. I pictured Surrender as the Aria of an opera. The recitatives would fill in the plot on my spiritual journey that is too hard to tell day by day and the instrumentals would move the setting from one time to another. The soaring melodies would reflect the emotional flights that happen with me and the musical accompaniment would give me the ability to include different feelings like when I am singing about how much joy I get from serving God, when the terror in my heart that I am going to get hurt is still there.

I'm SOOO looking forward to writing this opera. I also love the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm writing three books and an opera. Funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed. I know I can take my time on them and do it right and they will all get published in due time.

So do you have that look on your face yet? The one I was talking about? Cause here comes ANOTHER curve ball. In the midst of all this, I figured out exactly what I want to do as a teacher. I want to develop the skills of musicians at all levels by giving them an appreciation for all kinds of music. I want to help classical musicians tap into the creativity of the contemporary school and I want to help contemporary musicians tap into the rich history of the classical school. I want to open up an educational facility in South Calgary where musicians can come develop whatever skill they like. We'd have a focus on broader development through deeper self awareness as well as providing as many opporunities as possible. The campus would host an indie restaurant where students can perform contemporary styles as well as hold concerts where we can explore classical developments in music. We would have a recording studio that every student would have access to that lets them hear themselves and use it for further improvement as well as give those who want to distribute their music commercially a place to prepare it with skilled veterans that care about creating really good music. If you saw what was in my head, you'd probably think hippy commune, but I think of it as musical collaboration on a grand scale. It's something I have had to lay down at the altar and pray that God lets me do it. So far all is looking good, but we'll see what happens.

Well thanks for listening guys. I know its been another long one. I tried to write sooner, but like I said, I was having trouble posting from my ipad. I'm taking feedback on the things happening in my life right now so feel free to comment, email write or call. With not having to work anymore, I'm hoping to get back in contact with everyone.

Peace.

Contact attempted

So I hate Ctrl-Z. I've tried 3 times now to post a discussion. Something keeps happening and I keep deleting it. One of them I was ready to post, I just ran to the kitchen to do something. When I came back, I missed a key stroke and accidentally deleted my work.

A post is coming, I promise. Especially with the recent employment develoments.

So I'm writing a book.

Letter from the general (of the Salvation Army)

I love reading people's thoughts on spiritual matters that are fully grounded in their faith. You can tell by their writing when their faith has been confirmed in their lives by experience and not just taught to them by books and Sunday School teachers. I thank God that the denomination I adhere to is led by a man such as this. This letter was sent to all Salvationists (members of the Salvation Army Church) to be shared with those that might benefit. I have tried to describe real hope and trust in my own words and never come as close as he has to a "Real" definition. Enjoy! :-)

HOPE
 
Dear Fellow Salvationists,
 
I write in the Name of Jesus to greet and encourage you.
 
Here in London we are in the late weeks of the Autumn season, but the weather is unusually mild just now and we can venture out of doors, without the need for heavy clothing, to enjoy the falling leaves as the trees turn golden brown. The children walk and skip to school with a carpet of fallen leaves beneath their feet. As they kick happily at the gathered gold, a sudden gust of wind will propel the fallen foliage once again into the air. It is an enchanting season. In the southern hemisphere you are in Spring-time, with promise and hope bursting outward and upward from the earth to remind you of new life.
 
Like all Christian believers, Salvationists are a people of hope. In mentioning hope I do not mean that shallow, facile optimism that says, ‘Things will probably turn out alright in the end.’ Christian hope proclaims the certainty that in Christ Jesus all is well now, regardless of our outward circumstances, and that we have the gift of hope from God not only for this life but for all eternity too. In 1 Corinthians 15:19 we are reminded that we have hope in Christ not only for this earthly life. Were this untrue then we are to be pitied above all others.
 
Titus 3:7 describes true believers as ‘heirs having the hope of eternal life’. In this promise, and in many more found in Scripture, we sense the certainty of God’s provision and the sureness of His promises. He does not toy with us. He offers us the gift of hope. We are free to accept or to reject His offer. My heart is filled with praise to God for each one of you reading this who has gladly and wholeheartedly accepted the Heavenly Father’s infinitely gracious offer of hope – hope for today and for all our tomorrows.

My First Paper Since Back to School - YAY!!

So I've been meeting with a tutor since November. She's going to help me with accountability, productivity and processing concepts that are hard due to my learning disability and other stuff. Let me say she is ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. Thank you Karen.

So we started by getting to know what terrifies me about school, my strengths, weaknesses, expected hurdles and complicators (things that will make seemingly easy tasks feel unsurmountable). First thing we identified as an issue was communicating thoughts and writing papers. I usually write via "free think" method. If I think it, it goes on the paper, never to be erased. I was taught outlines in school and could fill in the worksheets better than anyone in my class, but when it came to turning that idea into a rough draft, not so much. My brain got stuck. I figured I was doing something wrong, so as always with me, tossed the entire idea out. I get 70% and higher on most of my papers so who needed an outline?

Karen taught me how to put information into an outline and how to know if I was done researching. My first assignment was to write a 2 page paper on religion versus spirituality using the outline method. I got the entire thing filled out and THUMP! There's that stupid wall again. I was so frustrated.

So the nice thing about a tutor is "I got so frustrated I couldn't think" is actually an acceptable reason for your homework not being done. We talked through what stopped me from writing the paper and she gave me a whole bunch of things to do when I can't write. They all included writing things I was thinking down and NOT erasing them (she wanted to see my thought process). So I was determined to write my paper today. I sat down with my outline, added the extra research she asked for and tried to write. Strangely, I was right back in front of the wall I was fighting before.

Something Karen said in her tricks to get around it was if you write everything out and you still can't get it out, play to your strength. Draw or paint the frustration or the inspiration or whatever. Get something on something so you can move on. Started thinking about that and remembered an experiment I did with voice recognition software a while ago cause I noticed I can talk till I'm blue in the face (sometimes literally), but I despise writing. I turned on the software, grabbed my mic and started writing, er...talking. In 1 hour, I wrote the entire 2 page essay. I had no rabbit trails and I used pretty much everything from my outline. I was really proud of myself!!

I figured you guys might want to share so here it is. Enjoy!

The challenge was made to compare religion and spirituality or faith. First we have to define each then to discover how one relates to the other. My research has shown me that spirituality and faith are not synonyms, but in reality two ideas that coexist side by side and cannot be separated. Religion is the evidence of these two concepts and therefore also cannot be separated.
Spirituality is by definition “concern for that which is unseen and intangible as opposed to physical or mundane”. According to Miriam Webster, It is also “an appreciation for religious values”. Diving into scripture we find no references to the word in any translation. The word was first used in the 15th century to describe the clergy. Since then it has evolved to describe a person’s exploration of the supernatural. In the Christian context, spirituality is how we go about finding and connecting to our creator. Cultural historian and yogi William Irwin Thompson states “religion is not identical with spirituality rather religion is the form spirituality takes in civilization”. If exploration of the theological were an art form, spirituality would be the medium that is used. It is neither the inspiration (the impetus of an idea) nor the form (the final product). Spirituality would be that clay, paint, chalk, or charcoal. For some, spirituality takes on a charismatic form, for others a more liturgical form. No matter who the explorer is, spirituality is there in some way.
Using the example of theological exploration as an art form, religion is the form. It is what others see when they look at us. An onlooker may see a Christian knelt at the altar, the child singing Sunday school songs, or a person reading scripture. All are examples of religion, our faith in action. James 1:27 says “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” Dictionary.reference.com defines religion as “ritual observance of faith”. It is the actions involved with belief that set us apart from the unbelieving world, rituals we undertake as physical manifestations of our faith.
Many Christians, have been led on a study of faith in scripture. It has no doubt led them to Hebrews chapter 11 verse 11 which says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see”. It has also been described as “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”. Faith is the inspiration in the art form. It is the impetus for everything else. Faith is the decision that god exists, regardless of proof, that inspires spirituality and the quest to find our creator, resulting in religious observance – outward evidence of our faith.
In sociological study, there are three categories to describe a given ideology. They are beliefs, values, and behaviors. Beliefs are the unchangeable unshakable things that we understand at the core of our being. They’re rarely influenced by what others may say. Values are the things that guide how we live our lives. Behaviors are affected by those beliefs and values and are the evidence of our ideological stand. Faith corresponds to the beliefs. It is those truths that we have accepted and integrated into our lives. Spirituality is the values. It is the important parts. They will shift and change as we mature and will take on a different look through the lives. Religion is the behaviors. It is the way we enact those beliefs and values. You cannot take away a person’s beliefs and still have a person. You cannot remove their values or you remove the compass by which they make the decisions. You cannot remove the behavior. They would become statues with no impetus and no medium. Thus religion spirituality and faith cannot exist independently. But coexist giving form and meaning to each other much like the triune God that created us.

Why does church exist?

I asked myself why church exists 2 weeks ago. Not because I think its a bad thing. Just because I asked myself what I would say if someone asked my why I go to church. Its a question that has been floating around in the back of my brain trying to get answered. I started by asking why I go to church and then asked myself how many of those reasons can help to answer why other people go to church. I tried to think of it in context of why people started going to church in the beginning and why they have continued for so many centuries. First, why I go to church.

I first started going to church because Dad took me. Me and my brother both went until my brother was 12. I was 10 at that time and my brother had tried to get out of it for years. Something about church resonated with me. It's only now that I have identified within myself a sensitivity to the spiritual realm and that sensitivity has made me seek my creator at every step of my life. There was never a question of if I was created, just a question of who created me. The precepts in the bible have always resonated with me and I keep coming back to it and Christianity as the real answer.

Don't get me wrong, I tried other things. As a teenager, I participated in Wiccan rites and Satanic rituals. There is an Occult movement in Calgary that a lot of Christians are afraid to acknowledge, but it reminds me constantly that the Spiritual War we are called to wage is real and current. Every choice we make, every relationship we nurture sways the balance one direction or the other. I am hoping my actions generally sway it in the right direction.

Sorry, rabbit trail. Sometimes they're necessary. So church. The sensitivity to the spirit that I have always felt has made me question what I believe constantly. I will be honest. At some points, I have nearly talked myself out of the idea of church. It was a scary place for me when I returned. As a teenager I still acknowledged God as creator and the choices I was making were not an intentional insult to him, they were just the poor decisions of a teenager reaching out. (If you don't know my testimony, click here to read it, but be forewarned, it's a little graphic). I took part in the occult activity to see if the spiritual calling I had always felt would be satisfied in those worlds. Needless to say they weren't. In fact, the rites I participated in just made me more convinced that what I learned in the bible was true and I needed to get to know God a little more. Once my life was on the right path, I decided church is good, I just have to find the right church that does it the right way.

I had a very legalistic mind set at that point (it was necessary to turn my life around). It was always the right way or the highway for me. I didn't realize at the time that the "right" way was actually my way. Fortunately, I serve a gracious God and he has forgiven me for that. Slowly, the right counsellors in my life made me realize that my way isn't always the right way and its okay to be wrong. Granted it took them 8 years to teach me that and I still forget it sometimes, but I think I have the general principle down.

I went back to church when I was 18 with a genuine desire to find God. The first church I went to was full of people truly and honestly chasing after God. The worship was genuine, the people were honest and the preacher didn't preach as if he knew everything (that's a good thing). There were some significant things that happened to the people in leadership at that church all at the same time and slowly, the church started to dwindle. I could see what was happening and that was where this question of why do I go to church began. We started thinking about what a church should have. Sometimes it was people our age, sometimes it was established programs, sometimes it was people we knew, sometimes it was a preacher who really seemed to know God. We searched scripture for the rules of what a good church was and never really found an answer. Now I know why, but that's for later.

The last church I went to before the one I attend now was a very big learning experience for me personally, emotionally and spiritually. I was the intern worship leader and they were supposed to be teaching me how to do it, but things didn't go well. I won't give you the details, but I ended up very hurt and questioned whether people who ran churches really cared about God and his mission at all. Each leader didn't seem to pray to find out what God wanted the church to do and everyone had different ideas. Some thought it should become a modern, seeker-driven worship center, some thought it should revert to a hymn singing traditional church and others thought it needed to become a jumping off point for some kind of community outreach. The fighting and indecision made me wonder if they were really following God at all. They weren't the first spiritual leaders that didn't seem to care and so I wondered whether church was a good thing at all.

The last 4 years of my life have been spent worshipping with the officers and congregation of the Glenmore Temple of the Salvation Army. They have really shown me why church exists and taught me why Christians should go to church. The bible doesn't say anywhere "Thou shalt go to church every Sunday without fail". The bible doesn't really tell us how we should do church. The bible tells us that we should fellowship with other believers. It also gives us a lot of information on how to act as people generally. In addition it says to be aware because the devil is prowling like a lion trying to take us down. Putting all of these together, this is what I have put together as my reason for going to church.

Fellowship with believers makes us feel accepted. It shows us that other people in the world believe the same things we do and therefore it is okay for us to believe. It gives us a place where we can talk about things that an unbelieving world labels as crazy or delussional without being afraid of what the people around us think. This also gives us trustworthy people to help us guard against heresy

Church also gives those who come from unbelieving families and countries a place of support, Ccnnecting them with others who also believe. Would you rather have your children babysat by someone who might read scripture to them as a bedtime story or try to invite their significant other over and have a makeout session with them? When the people in our lives reflect the beliefs we carry, our families are more likely to accept our beliefs as true (this is also a good thing. See my post on "Is indoctrination really a bad word?").

There is quite a conversation about what worship is. Is worship only the time we spend Sunday mornings singing songs to God and listening to a preacher or does it have something to do with the rest of our lives? Some say they go to church to worship God and to meet God. Well, I don't know about you, but Christ has taken residence in my heart since I was saved and so goes with me everywhere I go. I chat with him regularly. Im on the bus and someone comes to mind that I am having trouble understanding, I'm not afraid to say "Hey Jesus, what do you think I should do?" Frequently he brings to mind people in the bible and how they dealt with similar issues or gives me the scripture verse that tells me the answer. No I'm not hearing voices or anything of the like, I just know that my Saviour is real and listens when I call on him. According to that, I don't have to go to church to talk to him.

My own personal opinion about worship is that it takes place with everything we do. Waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, being on time for work, treating my clients with kindness, generosity and respect. They all are acts of worship. Anything that will allow God's light to shine in a dark world is an act of worship. Therefore, I don't have to go to church to worship.

There is one reflection of worship though that is better at church. The songs we sing, the prayers we say, the verses we read, the sermons we hear, they are all things an unbelieving world doesn't understand. They are sanctified and mean something very special to those of us that understand true communion with God. When we try to force ourselves to use these tools outside of a Christian circle, we sometimes give Satan a foothold to interrupt the work God wants to do. (Don't get me wrong. I am not saying we shouldn't bring these things outside the church. I am speaking specifically about the people NOT gifted in evangelism and teaching. The fear of what other people think of them can be truly crippling and dispel any communion that would otherwise happen). In these situations, we can easily become self conscious and distracted. Church gives people like that a place where they can leave the self consciousness at the door, put down the fear of doing the wrong thing and enter a kind of communion with God that otherwise might be tainted or, God-forbid, not even happen.

St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross both refer to the place we enter in these times of intentional worship as consolations. They are sweet consolations bestowed on us by our Beloved in times where we choose to be intimate with Him. It is these consolations that inspire us to maintain our faith even though the world pushes us to deny it.

To sum it up, the early church fathers saw the real life evidence of the parable of the sower. They saw that people on their own would struggle in their faith, would question it's truth and would be more likely to live a life that wasn't seasoned with salt and exuding the light that God shines through us. The reason they started churches back then was because they knew only in a place of true grace and acceptance could we really experience the sweet consolations God has for us and that those are the fuel of our faith. Church has taken different forms for different cultures and different generations, but ultimately, it serves exactly the same purpose. It gives us a place to come with wreckless abandon to the throne room of God, prostrate ourselves before him and express exactly what we really feel to our Creator, Saviour, Healer and Friend.

It is only now after a 10 year journey that I have seen the truth, but I know in the depth of my heart that it's what God is trying to teach me. It is being confirmed in every conversation I have and even by what my pastor preaches. He preached on the place of doubt in church and that it actually is not detrimental, in fact it has a very important place. He said not to let doubt make you stop coming to church. He said make sure you continue to go to church through your doubts. He said bring your doubts and voice them. Not accusingly, but honestly and sincerely. Basically he said, bring yourself as you are and as God has you now to this place of worship, realize that you are truly accepted even if you have doubts and use the experience and wisdom of the people there to help you get through those doubts. Let them pray for you to find the truth for yourself. Let them show you that they are God's people and whatever you are doubting is what God wants you to learn. My pastor may not have used the same words, but that's basically what I heard.

For those of you that read regularly but don't attend my church, sometimes there are things that are posted here that relate to the sermon or something in the service specifically that you weren't there to experience. My church records their sermons on CD so I asked if I could post it here. They seemed receptive to the idea, but still want to run it by the leadership, so I hope to soon have a link list to the recent sermons by date. Also, if I can work it out, I'll post it as a video so you can see the powerpoint presentations and words to the music as well. I'll keep you posted.

Gracefully yours
Leah

How I became an Ojibwa

I am so sorry to those who have been waiting breath abaited for this. I don't get much time to write during the week and had a lot of house work to catch up on last weekend (which we actually succeeded at doing).

So as some of you already know, my Grandad passed away this month. I am not sad that he is gone, although I think often about how many times he snuck me bubble gum when I was growing up. He was very sick and in alot of pain. It had started a few years ago with a stroke and went downhill from there. He had a habit of telling it like it was, or at least the way he saw it and really there was no other way. I haven't really spent time with him in about 15 years. I always told myself I would get there next year. I guess next year finally came. Note to self, don't do that again.

So Grandad's funeral actually posed a bit of a spiritual challenge for me. Grandad wasn't a Christian. He wasn't one of those wishy washy people that just say "I don't know what's out there". He vocally stood up to say he didn't believe in the bible and he didn't believe in religion. He didn't understand why I felt the need to go to church every week. My grandma confided in me once that he had told her if she wanted to read her bible and pray, she was welcome to do so, but it should happen in the privacy of her own bedroom when there was no one else around. My evangelistic spirit told me as soon as he passed away "it's too late". The thought of where he is now both terrifies me and makes me question what I consider true. It's with this in mind that I attended his funeral.

It was a short, simple service. He was a veteran so there was a service chaplain there and an honour guard. 18 men and women came from around BC to honour his passing. My grandma was surprised there were that many. He was buried to the sound of bagpipes. He was a scotchman through and through. Though he had no accent, you never doubted his heritage.

My Grandma told me after the service that a young man from the community was coming over that evening "to do something I've never done before". It turned out, that young man was an Ojibwa medicine man. If I remember correctly, his name was Wapsimahea. I could have it completely wrong though. He went by Solomon. I found that kind of ironic.

The ceremony he was doing was to honour my grandad. You see, grandad was an active part of the legion where they live. He took part in a candlelight ceremony every Rememberance Day in the local cemetary to commemorate the fallen soldiers and veterans that had passed. The Ojibwa believe that warriors are very important. They mean a lot in their culture. To be called a warrior is to be greatly honoured. Solomon had helped Grandad with this ceremony every year for a long time. Solomon said he had come to love Grandad very much. Because of this, his tribe had agreed to honour Grandad with an Eagle's feather. Usually it would have been hand beaded by one of the people in the tribe before the ceremony, but Solomon's mother wanted the priviledge of beading Grandad's feather and she was away so she would bead it later.

While Solomon was performing this ceremony, he explained some things about the Ojibwa beliefs. How they come into the world in the East and leave the world in the West. Sunset means a great deal to them. He also explained that They believe they come from the creator in the spirit world and are commisioned with caring for mother earth while they are here. He explained a whole lot of things about their theology that I don't think I can explain correctly to someone else. What I will say about it though is that it sounded very similar to the theology of Christians, even though it was missing the acceptance of Christ.

It got me thinking about the origins of the religions. Christianity started thousands of years ago before there was a global economy and internet. Before we even knew the world was round, let alone that other people existed there. The same is true of Ojibwa. It started when there was nothing but indians on what they call "Turtle Island" (North America). So is it possible then that God came to them like he came to the Jews and helped them understand him in their own terms? Is it possible that we actually worship the same God? Nothing Solomon told me about in the ceremony was counter scriptural, except that it was directed at Solomon's God. They call their God "Creator" so technically that's still not against scripture. I'm starting to research what God says about other religions, how the Ojibwa connect with their creator and what that means to what I've been taught. It's also making me revisit my beliefs on heaven and hell. I pray to God every night that Grandad isn't burning in eternal fire but have to hope that somewhere, somehow someone told him the truth and that he accepted it, even if he didn't tell other people about it. I guess that's the advantage to worshipping a God that knows our inmost thoughts and feelings.

The how I became an Ojibwa thing is that Solomon told us during the feather ceremony that when a rite like this is performed on someone outside the tribe, that person is now family. Family to the Ojibwa doesn't stop at blood lines. It is anyone that has taken part in things like this.

So now you know how I became an Ojibwa.

In Jesus Name

So you'd think with what I believe, I would be completely in support of this phrase. In reality, I despise it. The phrase says "I don't have the capacity to love that person, so I'm going to do it in Jesus name". It almost releases us from the responsibility of changing who we are to become the people God made us to be.

I was talking to someone about a close friend I am worried about and they said at the end of the conversation "You just need to keep loving them in Jesus name". What if I want to love them in my name? Are they really so unlovable that I cannot out of my own strength love them? I think not. Just because I am not saying I am loving them in Jesus name, doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love them. I dont have to love them in Jesusname because God created the capacity in me to love regardless of the circumstances. It is not perfect, I judge and criticize and become selfish sometimes, but ultimately I am able to love that person. It really has gotten me thinking about the phrase and why it is used. Really put me off.

Sorry for the rant, but it was bugging me.