Maintenance

So, I'm finally okay with and completely unoffended when someone calls me high maintenance. I used to try to change that and be "independant" but the issues I've been having with my manager have shown me that I am and will always be high maintenance. There's a negative conotation to the phrase. IT says "Stay away from me cause I'm needy and will sap your resources." Unfortunately that's not the case. I may need a little more time than other people but I don't ask for all of it. I need my friends to talk to me regularly, I need my bosses to give me feedback weekly, I need my husband to tell me he loves me hourly. Until recently that wasn't okay for me. I felt like I had to change that. My manager said to me a little while ago "Leah, you are so high maintenance" and instead of my usual instant defensiveness, I just looked at him intently without even thinking and said "yeah, I know I'm high maintenance and you knew that coming into this." I'm actually shocked that I would be confidant enough to just come out with it. Especially with the difficulties we had been having. It's strange to look in the mental mirror and react with fondness instead of repulsion. It has happened gradually, but it is happening. I can't wait until I have lost all the extra weight I have and can really look in the mirror and say I'm satisfied. It's not like I berate myself or hate who I am. I am beautiful just the way I am, but I definitely wish I was thiner. And it's not a vanity thing anymore. It used to be that I equated being thin with being pretty, but now it is more of a mental association with the choices I've been making to try to cope with things over the last few years. I don't see the fat that bulges over belts and bras, I see the need to turn to food for comfort, to find every way possible to feel good. This week has been amazing. I have stuck to my diet better than ever and I have gone swimming or walking every day. I've made a point of taking care of myself and the house and have even worn dresses all week (makes a difference when you're a girly girl you know). I've really felt like I am not myself with all the weight I have to lose. I feel inside like a person who is strong and confident and doesn't have to turn to food for comfort, but I lok outside like someone who is strong and confidant and is coping with the fact that food has been my comfort. It doesn't help that I have times during my monthly cycle that I just have to eat something that will distract me from the bad feelings. I think that's it right there. My problem is not that there is an empty ache that I don't know how to fill, my problem is that I have feelings of anger and fear and depression that I don't know how to cope with when I am PMSing. This whole growing up thing is getting to be a lot of work. I'm going to have to keep track of when I am getting angry and how I react and try to teach my body not to crave food at those points. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.