so now that I got that out of my system. I can see why some people still think I'm bipolar. PMS wreaks havoc on my stress management systems. At least people know it's only temporary...I hope.
So I stood at the crossroads a week ago. God had given me the strength and discipline to stick to my diet and get outside of myself. I found myself confused again about how to maintain a balance between loving myself, loving my friends and loving God. ...
Ultimately, it comes down to one thing. Choosing to not come back to this crossroads. The left path goes around ina circle and always comes right back to where I am right now. This time I am choosing to go right. To the left is a rocky road. It starts out smooth and has me perfectly able to cope, but the road always gets rocky about the time my PMS sets in. I have a choice. The right hand path is a little rockier on the smooth parts, but it doesn't get as rough when I am PMSing. On the right hand path I am higher up on my list of people to take care of. If I don't take care of myself, I will never be able to take care of others. The right hand path doesn't come back to this crossroads. I goes to a turning point. No choices, just a path on which I am able to be confidant of myself no matter how close I am to that time of the month. So here we go...
To Michelle,
I am sorry. My awkwardness has led to an inability on my part to support you. I call you when I am lonely and write you when I want to be useful. You have been there through so much for me that I want to be there for you but I don't know how. I hope you will continue to let me love you. It is rare that I find someone in this world who has as high a priority on loving people as I do, but I found that in you. You want to love people the same way I do. With integrity, honesty and understanding. You challenge yourself when you think you may not be living up to your own expectations of yourself and I believe you want to see yourself through God's eyes. To see the beauty he sees and to understand why he saw the need to create you as you are. I wouldn't have you any other way and I don't know how to tell you that in the place you are in right now.
To Jen,
You found God. It hurt while you did it, but you found him. You came back with an unwavering understanding of what God wants from you. I have been pushing you away because I am jealous. I still get confused sometimes whether I am doing what God wants from me. Everything I do is hard and I don't know what the quick fix is. You changed so much that I need to get to know you again. I wish I was more important than family to you but I know that will never happen. Not with the family you have been raised in. I want to find a place in your life, to learn how to love you and to support you. You are my soul friend and I like that.
How do you say the things to people that society says we are not allowed to say? We are not allowed to say "I hurt" or I don't know how to handle this". We are to pretend we know what we're doing and hope it works and learn when those things don't work. I have always wished there was a person that would show me how to do things. So here I am. I have chosen the right path and turned the corner. THere is no turning back. I hope I still have my loved ones at the other end of this path.
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