Hey guys,
thanks for all the feedback so far. It's really giving me food for thought. I'm starting to get an idea of what I want Theology of a Broken Brain to explore. I still don't know exactly what it will say, but I am starting to see it come together. I need some direction if you guys don't mind and this is open to anyone reading this, regardless of whether I know you or not.
I've made a list of the major questions that I have either asked myself or been asked by others since I found out about my brain being so different. I am going to use it as a study guide over the next few weeks to guide my spiritual journey. I am looking for exactly what Scripture says about these things. I have opinions about what commentaries say and so I'm looking for primary source material right now, directly from scripture. Once I have the scriptures collected, then I'll explore the commentaries while I formulate answers.
I've posted my questionnaire so you can use it too. If you have some time and could give me some scriptures to look at for each of the questions, that would be greatly appreciated. I'll be using this with my spiritual director to find what God is trying to say to me and others with mental disorders.
When suggesting scriptures, please keep in mind, I am trying to have the overall theme in the book focus on God's ultimate grace. I will have heavy influence of things like Psalm 139 that God created us and so knows what we are like. The Ultimate Sacrifice and the penatly already being paid is another thing I will focus on. People with mental disorders frequently suffer from issues like self loathing, overpunishment and feelings of abandonment. I don't want to coddle these feelings, but instead speak to them from a loving standpoint. I hope to introduce people suffering from these issues to the God who doats on them and can forget about the things in their past. I also hope to fend off judgment of those who would say that we just aren't trying hard enough. I'll probably spend some time on the difference between lying and not understanding the truth as well.
Even if you don't agree with the standpoint I am taking, your time and input would be greatly appreciated. This is a spiritual learning exercise for me as well so I don't want to presume to know exactly what the answers are. The research for the book is teaching me at the same time as I am trying to communicate my thoughts. Also, even if you don't think you know much about the topic, even if you are a new Christian yourself. I believe strongly in the influence of the Holy Spirit so please give me whatever input you can. Many thanks.
You can either respond by posting in the comment section or email the responses to ldutz@godishere.com. Please include the word questionnaire in the subject so I know what it is about and don't garbage it right away.
Questionnaire
1. What does it mean to be a Christian?
2. What are the minimum requirements to call one’s self a Christian?
3. What spiritual disciplines are “strongly recommended” and why?
4. What disciplines fall more under “take it or leave it”?
5. What does a week in the life of a dedicated Christian look like? How much of this is required and how much is recommended?
6. What are the “no-no”s that will keep us from God?
7. Are Christians capable of sinning? If so, what do we consider a sin since we are already forgiven?
8. What role does attention play in faith? Does God care if we think about something else while we are praying?
9. What does the Bible say about emotions? Does it address what to do when a person’s body isn’t cooperating and they physically can’t control their emotions?
10. Is it sinful to be easily excitable?
11. Is Church as we know it a requirement of faith? If so, where is it commanded in scripture? If not, why is church attendance so important to so many people?
Sunday, 6 March 2011
Song Lyrics that connect with me
In His Presence - Sandi Patti
An ever open door
to know our saviour more
in the presence of our Lord
Oh Lord, You're Beautiful
Oh Lord, Your'e beautiful.
Your face is all I seek.
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.
An ever open door
to know our saviour more
in the presence of our Lord
Oh Lord, You're Beautiful
Oh Lord, Your'e beautiful.
Your face is all I seek.
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.
Sunday, 27 February 2011
Filed for later
So a lot of my writing changed when I saw the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman. The poem means a lot to me. I have had it on my blog for a while now and I think I can file it for later. I still want it here for reference, but don't think it needs to be on my main page anymore. Gotta love it when life moves, eh?
My inspiration - Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
My inspiration - Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
Thoughts while researching
So I need to figure out how I want to approach Theology of a Broken Brain. The other two books are practically writing themselves. There's a reason there are so many volumes printed on theology in general, let alone the specifics. At bible study tonight we read Galations 5:16-22 and I thought that was what I wanted to talk about in Theology of the Broken Brain as alot of the sins of the flesh are things people with attention and learning disorders struggle with. Problem is, when I try to explain it, it quickly becomes do this, do this, do this, do that.
Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.
Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.
I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.
I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening
Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.
Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.
I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.
I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening
An update...Finally
So if you haven't been reading my 3 year old blogs recently, you may want to follow this link. Even if you just want a reminder of what the Landini cadence is, you may want to follow that link. I find it entertaining to go back and read my posts from previous years. I'm starting to have a better understanding of what was really going on and what I was learning. The Landini cadence of 2008 turned into quite the key change by 2011. Living in the space I am, loving where my life is has been thrilling to say the least.
So I've made the jump now. I quit at TELUS on Friday. There were too many changes happening all at once that made it more and more difficult for me to continue teaching piano, going to school and working there. I made the decision this year that every decision I made would support a path towards becoming a full time piano teacher. That wasn't going to happen if I continued at TELUS. I gave my notice yesterday and they are paying out the two weeks instead of having me work it. Terrifying, but still the right thing for this moment in my life.
I have had an explosion of creativity in the last few weeks. It started with a comment my professor made last fall that someday I would write a book. I laughed it off at first. You guys have seen some of my writing here. I ramble, I talk too much and I make mountains out of mole hills. Most of my favorite ideas get lost in translation when I try to put it into words. I get wrapped up in the details and miss the important stuff.
Because of that, I didn't think I would ever write a book. Consult on a book maybe. Be involved in a film, more likely. Write a book? Not on your life.
Now, I'm not only writing a book, but three books. It started with trying to write a one page summary of the challenges I face. Between neurological disorders and odd personality types, I felt like I had a lot for managers, teachers or mentors to understand if they were to effectively coach me. The one page turned into three. I still didn't feel like I had covered everything. Last January, I thought to myself, "this is better suited for a book". The irony of it didn't strike me till later.
I started by making an outline/Table of Contents. I was trying to figure out what would be in the book. I started getting a better idea of what I wanted to include and what I wanted to say. Since most literature about my issues revolves around children, I wanted to create a guidebook for adults newly diagnosed with my conditions and exploring personality types like mine. I was going to talk about it in the context of adult experiences. The problem was, at the rate I was going, it was going to take an encyclopedia to cover everything I wanted to say.
I started breaking down the information further. There were three main environs my life took place in. Life in general, including interactions with my husband, family, friends and school, Professional life and spiritual life. Not that the information didn't cross from one setting to the next, but the significance changed slightly from one place to the next. Where creative means of managing oneself are readily accepted and for the most part even encouraged in professional life, in spiritual practice, there is a strong caution with regards to new expressions of faith, and this for good reason. School tends to be a little of both.
Basically, it's boiling down to three books. The first is my autobiography. I originally thought it would be called Life as I Feel It - An Autobiographical Exploration of Life As a Kinesthetic. Just this week, with the help of my tutor, I played with calling it Landscape of a Kinesthetic Soul. I like that one better, but the other one is clearer about what I would be discussing since the book is about every aspect of life, not just spirituality.
The second would be a more formal exposition on the research about ADHD, Learning Disabilities (which I would strongly argue should actually be called Learning Disorders, but that's an argument for another day). It would include information clarfying what it really means to be kinesthetic and also explore the effects of being extroverted in certain working conditions. It would discuss the use of analogous reasoning versus transductive logic (one of the reasons I seem to be coming out of nowhere sometimes). I think I'd like to call it Halogen Minds and the Lens of Rare Logic, but I think that title would be a little too confusing for most of the people I'd like to read it.
The third book is one I've joked about for a couple of years now. When I first found out about my ADHD, I frequently talked about my "broken brain". One day when I was thinking randomly, I came up with the title Theology of the Broken Brain. At the time I didn't know what the book would be about and to be honest, I never really thought I would write it, but as I explore expressions of my faith with my spiritual director, I realize that it is very different for me for a lot of reasons. I don't think I'm the only one since I've heard several discussions about kinesthetic prayer and things like it, but it's still a sensitive subject in a lot of circles. I think this one would be a study of what the bible has to say about mental disorders and unique personality types and a discussion of how to express faith in new ways without being a heretic. I don't think I am the final expert on the subject, but maybe my experience will have some impact on other people's journey.
So you're probably thinking "Oh here she goes again on another project". Funny thing is, this time, my tutor is helping me so there's a good chance I'll actually be able to finish it. I also feel like it's something God has been building me up for of late. He's giving me the skills to communicate my experiences and has put me in a place where it can be taken seriously. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see what comes out of it.
Now, if you didn't already think I'm a nut, you probably will now. The explosion of creativity didn't stop at the books. I have stopped trying to figure out why I like what I like. I just like it. Music is an amazing thing. I still feel right at home when I'm creating it. I have to do it differently, but I still love to do it. Last Tuesday I was sitting in my Music History class and we were studying the Baroque Period. I've done it before so not much of it was really news to me, but something new clicked for me. Remember that song I was writing a while back, called Surrender? Well, it came to mind while we were studying Baroque Opera. I've always thought the song would end up in a dramatic setting, but when I thought of it in a musical, it didn't seem right. Musicals seem to have a more comical feel to them. Even if they are serious ones. Surrender is more of an art piece. The vision of the precipice just needs something more than a catchy jingle. I pictured Surrender as the Aria of an opera. The recitatives would fill in the plot on my spiritual journey that is too hard to tell day by day and the instrumentals would move the setting from one time to another. The soaring melodies would reflect the emotional flights that happen with me and the musical accompaniment would give me the ability to include different feelings like when I am singing about how much joy I get from serving God, when the terror in my heart that I am going to get hurt is still there.
I'm SOOO looking forward to writing this opera. I also love the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm writing three books and an opera. Funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed. I know I can take my time on them and do it right and they will all get published in due time.
So do you have that look on your face yet? The one I was talking about? Cause here comes ANOTHER curve ball. In the midst of all this, I figured out exactly what I want to do as a teacher. I want to develop the skills of musicians at all levels by giving them an appreciation for all kinds of music. I want to help classical musicians tap into the creativity of the contemporary school and I want to help contemporary musicians tap into the rich history of the classical school. I want to open up an educational facility in South Calgary where musicians can come develop whatever skill they like. We'd have a focus on broader development through deeper self awareness as well as providing as many opporunities as possible. The campus would host an indie restaurant where students can perform contemporary styles as well as hold concerts where we can explore classical developments in music. We would have a recording studio that every student would have access to that lets them hear themselves and use it for further improvement as well as give those who want to distribute their music commercially a place to prepare it with skilled veterans that care about creating really good music. If you saw what was in my head, you'd probably think hippy commune, but I think of it as musical collaboration on a grand scale. It's something I have had to lay down at the altar and pray that God lets me do it. So far all is looking good, but we'll see what happens.
Well thanks for listening guys. I know its been another long one. I tried to write sooner, but like I said, I was having trouble posting from my ipad. I'm taking feedback on the things happening in my life right now so feel free to comment, email write or call. With not having to work anymore, I'm hoping to get back in contact with everyone.
Peace.
So I've made the jump now. I quit at TELUS on Friday. There were too many changes happening all at once that made it more and more difficult for me to continue teaching piano, going to school and working there. I made the decision this year that every decision I made would support a path towards becoming a full time piano teacher. That wasn't going to happen if I continued at TELUS. I gave my notice yesterday and they are paying out the two weeks instead of having me work it. Terrifying, but still the right thing for this moment in my life.
I have had an explosion of creativity in the last few weeks. It started with a comment my professor made last fall that someday I would write a book. I laughed it off at first. You guys have seen some of my writing here. I ramble, I talk too much and I make mountains out of mole hills. Most of my favorite ideas get lost in translation when I try to put it into words. I get wrapped up in the details and miss the important stuff.
Because of that, I didn't think I would ever write a book. Consult on a book maybe. Be involved in a film, more likely. Write a book? Not on your life.
Now, I'm not only writing a book, but three books. It started with trying to write a one page summary of the challenges I face. Between neurological disorders and odd personality types, I felt like I had a lot for managers, teachers or mentors to understand if they were to effectively coach me. The one page turned into three. I still didn't feel like I had covered everything. Last January, I thought to myself, "this is better suited for a book". The irony of it didn't strike me till later.
I started by making an outline/Table of Contents. I was trying to figure out what would be in the book. I started getting a better idea of what I wanted to include and what I wanted to say. Since most literature about my issues revolves around children, I wanted to create a guidebook for adults newly diagnosed with my conditions and exploring personality types like mine. I was going to talk about it in the context of adult experiences. The problem was, at the rate I was going, it was going to take an encyclopedia to cover everything I wanted to say.
I started breaking down the information further. There were three main environs my life took place in. Life in general, including interactions with my husband, family, friends and school, Professional life and spiritual life. Not that the information didn't cross from one setting to the next, but the significance changed slightly from one place to the next. Where creative means of managing oneself are readily accepted and for the most part even encouraged in professional life, in spiritual practice, there is a strong caution with regards to new expressions of faith, and this for good reason. School tends to be a little of both.
Basically, it's boiling down to three books. The first is my autobiography. I originally thought it would be called Life as I Feel It - An Autobiographical Exploration of Life As a Kinesthetic. Just this week, with the help of my tutor, I played with calling it Landscape of a Kinesthetic Soul. I like that one better, but the other one is clearer about what I would be discussing since the book is about every aspect of life, not just spirituality.
The second would be a more formal exposition on the research about ADHD, Learning Disabilities (which I would strongly argue should actually be called Learning Disorders, but that's an argument for another day). It would include information clarfying what it really means to be kinesthetic and also explore the effects of being extroverted in certain working conditions. It would discuss the use of analogous reasoning versus transductive logic (one of the reasons I seem to be coming out of nowhere sometimes). I think I'd like to call it Halogen Minds and the Lens of Rare Logic, but I think that title would be a little too confusing for most of the people I'd like to read it.
The third book is one I've joked about for a couple of years now. When I first found out about my ADHD, I frequently talked about my "broken brain". One day when I was thinking randomly, I came up with the title Theology of the Broken Brain. At the time I didn't know what the book would be about and to be honest, I never really thought I would write it, but as I explore expressions of my faith with my spiritual director, I realize that it is very different for me for a lot of reasons. I don't think I'm the only one since I've heard several discussions about kinesthetic prayer and things like it, but it's still a sensitive subject in a lot of circles. I think this one would be a study of what the bible has to say about mental disorders and unique personality types and a discussion of how to express faith in new ways without being a heretic. I don't think I am the final expert on the subject, but maybe my experience will have some impact on other people's journey.
So you're probably thinking "Oh here she goes again on another project". Funny thing is, this time, my tutor is helping me so there's a good chance I'll actually be able to finish it. I also feel like it's something God has been building me up for of late. He's giving me the skills to communicate my experiences and has put me in a place where it can be taken seriously. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see what comes out of it.
Now, if you didn't already think I'm a nut, you probably will now. The explosion of creativity didn't stop at the books. I have stopped trying to figure out why I like what I like. I just like it. Music is an amazing thing. I still feel right at home when I'm creating it. I have to do it differently, but I still love to do it. Last Tuesday I was sitting in my Music History class and we were studying the Baroque Period. I've done it before so not much of it was really news to me, but something new clicked for me. Remember that song I was writing a while back, called Surrender? Well, it came to mind while we were studying Baroque Opera. I've always thought the song would end up in a dramatic setting, but when I thought of it in a musical, it didn't seem right. Musicals seem to have a more comical feel to them. Even if they are serious ones. Surrender is more of an art piece. The vision of the precipice just needs something more than a catchy jingle. I pictured Surrender as the Aria of an opera. The recitatives would fill in the plot on my spiritual journey that is too hard to tell day by day and the instrumentals would move the setting from one time to another. The soaring melodies would reflect the emotional flights that happen with me and the musical accompaniment would give me the ability to include different feelings like when I am singing about how much joy I get from serving God, when the terror in my heart that I am going to get hurt is still there.
I'm SOOO looking forward to writing this opera. I also love the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm writing three books and an opera. Funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed. I know I can take my time on them and do it right and they will all get published in due time.
So do you have that look on your face yet? The one I was talking about? Cause here comes ANOTHER curve ball. In the midst of all this, I figured out exactly what I want to do as a teacher. I want to develop the skills of musicians at all levels by giving them an appreciation for all kinds of music. I want to help classical musicians tap into the creativity of the contemporary school and I want to help contemporary musicians tap into the rich history of the classical school. I want to open up an educational facility in South Calgary where musicians can come develop whatever skill they like. We'd have a focus on broader development through deeper self awareness as well as providing as many opporunities as possible. The campus would host an indie restaurant where students can perform contemporary styles as well as hold concerts where we can explore classical developments in music. We would have a recording studio that every student would have access to that lets them hear themselves and use it for further improvement as well as give those who want to distribute their music commercially a place to prepare it with skilled veterans that care about creating really good music. If you saw what was in my head, you'd probably think hippy commune, but I think of it as musical collaboration on a grand scale. It's something I have had to lay down at the altar and pray that God lets me do it. So far all is looking good, but we'll see what happens.
Well thanks for listening guys. I know its been another long one. I tried to write sooner, but like I said, I was having trouble posting from my ipad. I'm taking feedback on the things happening in my life right now so feel free to comment, email write or call. With not having to work anymore, I'm hoping to get back in contact with everyone.
Peace.
Contact attempted
So I hate Ctrl-Z. I've tried 3 times now to post a discussion. Something keeps happening and I keep deleting it. One of them I was ready to post, I just ran to the kitchen to do something. When I came back, I missed a key stroke and accidentally deleted my work.
A post is coming, I promise. Especially with the recent employment develoments.
A post is coming, I promise. Especially with the recent employment develoments.
Friday, 21 January 2011
Wednesday, 8 December 2010
Letter from the general (of the Salvation Army)
I love reading people's thoughts on spiritual matters that are fully grounded in their faith. You can tell by their writing when their faith has been confirmed in their lives by experience and not just taught to them by books and Sunday School teachers. I thank God that the denomination I adhere to is led by a man such as this. This letter was sent to all Salvationists (members of the Salvation Army Church) to be shared with those that might benefit. I have tried to describe real hope and trust in my own words and never come as close as he has to a "Real" definition. Enjoy! :-)
HOPE
Dear Fellow Salvationists,
I write in the Name of Jesus to greet and encourage you.
Here in London we are in the late weeks of the Autumn season, but the weather is unusually mild just now and we can venture out of doors, without the need for heavy clothing, to enjoy the falling leaves as the trees turn golden brown. The children walk and skip to school with a carpet of fallen leaves beneath their feet. As they kick happily at the gathered gold, a sudden gust of wind will propel the fallen foliage once again into the air. It is an enchanting season. In the southern hemisphere you are in Spring-time, with promise and hope bursting outward and upward from the earth to remind you of new life.
Like all Christian believers, Salvationists are a people of hope. In mentioning hope I do not mean that shallow, facile optimism that says, ‘Things will probably turn out alright in the end.’ Christian hope proclaims the certainty that in Christ Jesus all is well now, regardless of our outward circumstances, and that we have the gift of hope from God not only for this life but for all eternity too. In 1 Corinthians 15:19 we are reminded that we have hope in Christ not only for this earthly life. Were this untrue then we are to be pitied above all others.
Titus 3:7 describes true believers as ‘heirs having the hope of eternal life’. In this promise, and in many more found in Scripture, we sense the certainty of God’s provision and the sureness of His promises. He does not toy with us. He offers us the gift of hope. We are free to accept or to reject His offer. My heart is filled with praise to God for each one of you reading this who has gladly and wholeheartedly accepted the Heavenly Father’s infinitely gracious offer of hope – hope for today and for all our tomorrows.
HOPE
Dear Fellow Salvationists,
I write in the Name of Jesus to greet and encourage you.
Here in London we are in the late weeks of the Autumn season, but the weather is unusually mild just now and we can venture out of doors, without the need for heavy clothing, to enjoy the falling leaves as the trees turn golden brown. The children walk and skip to school with a carpet of fallen leaves beneath their feet. As they kick happily at the gathered gold, a sudden gust of wind will propel the fallen foliage once again into the air. It is an enchanting season. In the southern hemisphere you are in Spring-time, with promise and hope bursting outward and upward from the earth to remind you of new life.
Like all Christian believers, Salvationists are a people of hope. In mentioning hope I do not mean that shallow, facile optimism that says, ‘Things will probably turn out alright in the end.’ Christian hope proclaims the certainty that in Christ Jesus all is well now, regardless of our outward circumstances, and that we have the gift of hope from God not only for this life but for all eternity too. In 1 Corinthians 15:19 we are reminded that we have hope in Christ not only for this earthly life. Were this untrue then we are to be pitied above all others.
Titus 3:7 describes true believers as ‘heirs having the hope of eternal life’. In this promise, and in many more found in Scripture, we sense the certainty of God’s provision and the sureness of His promises. He does not toy with us. He offers us the gift of hope. We are free to accept or to reject His offer. My heart is filled with praise to God for each one of you reading this who has gladly and wholeheartedly accepted the Heavenly Father’s infinitely gracious offer of hope – hope for today and for all our tomorrows.
Tuesday, 7 December 2010
My First Paper Since Back to School - YAY!!
So I've been meeting with a tutor since November. She's going to help me with accountability, productivity and processing concepts that are hard due to my learning disability and other stuff. Let me say she is ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. Thank you Karen.
So we started by getting to know what terrifies me about school, my strengths, weaknesses, expected hurdles and complicators (things that will make seemingly easy tasks feel unsurmountable). First thing we identified as an issue was communicating thoughts and writing papers. I usually write via "free think" method. If I think it, it goes on the paper, never to be erased. I was taught outlines in school and could fill in the worksheets better than anyone in my class, but when it came to turning that idea into a rough draft, not so much. My brain got stuck. I figured I was doing something wrong, so as always with me, tossed the entire idea out. I get 70% and higher on most of my papers so who needed an outline?
Karen taught me how to put information into an outline and how to know if I was done researching. My first assignment was to write a 2 page paper on religion versus spirituality using the outline method. I got the entire thing filled out and THUMP! There's that stupid wall again. I was so frustrated.
So the nice thing about a tutor is "I got so frustrated I couldn't think" is actually an acceptable reason for your homework not being done. We talked through what stopped me from writing the paper and she gave me a whole bunch of things to do when I can't write. They all included writing things I was thinking down and NOT erasing them (she wanted to see my thought process). So I was determined to write my paper today. I sat down with my outline, added the extra research she asked for and tried to write. Strangely, I was right back in front of the wall I was fighting before.
Something Karen said in her tricks to get around it was if you write everything out and you still can't get it out, play to your strength. Draw or paint the frustration or the inspiration or whatever. Get something on something so you can move on. Started thinking about that and remembered an experiment I did with voice recognition software a while ago cause I noticed I can talk till I'm blue in the face (sometimes literally), but I despise writing. I turned on the software, grabbed my mic and started writing, er...talking. In 1 hour, I wrote the entire 2 page essay. I had no rabbit trails and I used pretty much everything from my outline. I was really proud of myself!!
I figured you guys might want to share so here it is. Enjoy!
The challenge was made to compare religion and spirituality or faith. First we have to define each then to discover how one relates to the other. My research has shown me that spirituality and faith are not synonyms, but in reality two ideas that coexist side by side and cannot be separated. Religion is the evidence of these two concepts and therefore also cannot be separated.
Spirituality is by definition “concern for that which is unseen and intangible as opposed to physical or mundane”. According to Miriam Webster, It is also “an appreciation for religious values”. Diving into scripture we find no references to the word in any translation. The word was first used in the 15th century to describe the clergy. Since then it has evolved to describe a person’s exploration of the supernatural. In the Christian context, spirituality is how we go about finding and connecting to our creator. Cultural historian and yogi William Irwin Thompson states “religion is not identical with spirituality rather religion is the form spirituality takes in civilization”. If exploration of the theological were an art form, spirituality would be the medium that is used. It is neither the inspiration (the impetus of an idea) nor the form (the final product). Spirituality would be that clay, paint, chalk, or charcoal. For some, spirituality takes on a charismatic form, for others a more liturgical form. No matter who the explorer is, spirituality is there in some way.
Using the example of theological exploration as an art form, religion is the form. It is what others see when they look at us. An onlooker may see a Christian knelt at the altar, the child singing Sunday school songs, or a person reading scripture. All are examples of religion, our faith in action. James 1:27 says “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” Dictionary.reference.com defines religion as “ritual observance of faith”. It is the actions involved with belief that set us apart from the unbelieving world, rituals we undertake as physical manifestations of our faith.
Many Christians, have been led on a study of faith in scripture. It has no doubt led them to Hebrews chapter 11 verse 11 which says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see”. It has also been described as “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”. Faith is the inspiration in the art form. It is the impetus for everything else. Faith is the decision that god exists, regardless of proof, that inspires spirituality and the quest to find our creator, resulting in religious observance – outward evidence of our faith.
In sociological study, there are three categories to describe a given ideology. They are beliefs, values, and behaviors. Beliefs are the unchangeable unshakable things that we understand at the core of our being. They’re rarely influenced by what others may say. Values are the things that guide how we live our lives. Behaviors are affected by those beliefs and values and are the evidence of our ideological stand. Faith corresponds to the beliefs. It is those truths that we have accepted and integrated into our lives. Spirituality is the values. It is the important parts. They will shift and change as we mature and will take on a different look through the lives. Religion is the behaviors. It is the way we enact those beliefs and values. You cannot take away a person’s beliefs and still have a person. You cannot remove their values or you remove the compass by which they make the decisions. You cannot remove the behavior. They would become statues with no impetus and no medium. Thus religion spirituality and faith cannot exist independently. But coexist giving form and meaning to each other much like the triune God that created us.
So we started by getting to know what terrifies me about school, my strengths, weaknesses, expected hurdles and complicators (things that will make seemingly easy tasks feel unsurmountable). First thing we identified as an issue was communicating thoughts and writing papers. I usually write via "free think" method. If I think it, it goes on the paper, never to be erased. I was taught outlines in school and could fill in the worksheets better than anyone in my class, but when it came to turning that idea into a rough draft, not so much. My brain got stuck. I figured I was doing something wrong, so as always with me, tossed the entire idea out. I get 70% and higher on most of my papers so who needed an outline?
Karen taught me how to put information into an outline and how to know if I was done researching. My first assignment was to write a 2 page paper on religion versus spirituality using the outline method. I got the entire thing filled out and THUMP! There's that stupid wall again. I was so frustrated.
So the nice thing about a tutor is "I got so frustrated I couldn't think" is actually an acceptable reason for your homework not being done. We talked through what stopped me from writing the paper and she gave me a whole bunch of things to do when I can't write. They all included writing things I was thinking down and NOT erasing them (she wanted to see my thought process). So I was determined to write my paper today. I sat down with my outline, added the extra research she asked for and tried to write. Strangely, I was right back in front of the wall I was fighting before.
Something Karen said in her tricks to get around it was if you write everything out and you still can't get it out, play to your strength. Draw or paint the frustration or the inspiration or whatever. Get something on something so you can move on. Started thinking about that and remembered an experiment I did with voice recognition software a while ago cause I noticed I can talk till I'm blue in the face (sometimes literally), but I despise writing. I turned on the software, grabbed my mic and started writing, er...talking. In 1 hour, I wrote the entire 2 page essay. I had no rabbit trails and I used pretty much everything from my outline. I was really proud of myself!!
I figured you guys might want to share so here it is. Enjoy!
The challenge was made to compare religion and spirituality or faith. First we have to define each then to discover how one relates to the other. My research has shown me that spirituality and faith are not synonyms, but in reality two ideas that coexist side by side and cannot be separated. Religion is the evidence of these two concepts and therefore also cannot be separated.
Spirituality is by definition “concern for that which is unseen and intangible as opposed to physical or mundane”. According to Miriam Webster, It is also “an appreciation for religious values”. Diving into scripture we find no references to the word in any translation. The word was first used in the 15th century to describe the clergy. Since then it has evolved to describe a person’s exploration of the supernatural. In the Christian context, spirituality is how we go about finding and connecting to our creator. Cultural historian and yogi William Irwin Thompson states “religion is not identical with spirituality rather religion is the form spirituality takes in civilization”. If exploration of the theological were an art form, spirituality would be the medium that is used. It is neither the inspiration (the impetus of an idea) nor the form (the final product). Spirituality would be that clay, paint, chalk, or charcoal. For some, spirituality takes on a charismatic form, for others a more liturgical form. No matter who the explorer is, spirituality is there in some way.
Using the example of theological exploration as an art form, religion is the form. It is what others see when they look at us. An onlooker may see a Christian knelt at the altar, the child singing Sunday school songs, or a person reading scripture. All are examples of religion, our faith in action. James 1:27 says “Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” Dictionary.reference.com defines religion as “ritual observance of faith”. It is the actions involved with belief that set us apart from the unbelieving world, rituals we undertake as physical manifestations of our faith.
Many Christians, have been led on a study of faith in scripture. It has no doubt led them to Hebrews chapter 11 verse 11 which says, “Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see”. It has also been described as “belief and trust in and loyalty to God”. Faith is the inspiration in the art form. It is the impetus for everything else. Faith is the decision that god exists, regardless of proof, that inspires spirituality and the quest to find our creator, resulting in religious observance – outward evidence of our faith.
In sociological study, there are three categories to describe a given ideology. They are beliefs, values, and behaviors. Beliefs are the unchangeable unshakable things that we understand at the core of our being. They’re rarely influenced by what others may say. Values are the things that guide how we live our lives. Behaviors are affected by those beliefs and values and are the evidence of our ideological stand. Faith corresponds to the beliefs. It is those truths that we have accepted and integrated into our lives. Spirituality is the values. It is the important parts. They will shift and change as we mature and will take on a different look through the lives. Religion is the behaviors. It is the way we enact those beliefs and values. You cannot take away a person’s beliefs and still have a person. You cannot remove their values or you remove the compass by which they make the decisions. You cannot remove the behavior. They would become statues with no impetus and no medium. Thus religion spirituality and faith cannot exist independently. But coexist giving form and meaning to each other much like the triune God that created us.
Sunday, 21 November 2010
Why does church exist?
I asked myself why church exists 2 weeks ago. Not because I think its a bad thing. Just because I asked myself what I would say if someone asked my why I go to church. Its a question that has been floating around in the back of my brain trying to get answered. I started by asking why I go to church and then asked myself how many of those reasons can help to answer why other people go to church. I tried to think of it in context of why people started going to church in the beginning and why they have continued for so many centuries. First, why I go to church.
I first started going to church because Dad took me. Me and my brother both went until my brother was 12. I was 10 at that time and my brother had tried to get out of it for years. Something about church resonated with me. It's only now that I have identified within myself a sensitivity to the spiritual realm and that sensitivity has made me seek my creator at every step of my life. There was never a question of if I was created, just a question of who created me. The precepts in the bible have always resonated with me and I keep coming back to it and Christianity as the real answer.
Don't get me wrong, I tried other things. As a teenager, I participated in Wiccan rites and Satanic rituals. There is an Occult movement in Calgary that a lot of Christians are afraid to acknowledge, but it reminds me constantly that the Spiritual War we are called to wage is real and current. Every choice we make, every relationship we nurture sways the balance one direction or the other. I am hoping my actions generally sway it in the right direction.
Sorry, rabbit trail. Sometimes they're necessary. So church. The sensitivity to the spirit that I have always felt has made me question what I believe constantly. I will be honest. At some points, I have nearly talked myself out of the idea of church. It was a scary place for me when I returned. As a teenager I still acknowledged God as creator and the choices I was making were not an intentional insult to him, they were just the poor decisions of a teenager reaching out. (If you don't know my testimony, click here to read it, but be forewarned, it's a little graphic). I took part in the occult activity to see if the spiritual calling I had always felt would be satisfied in those worlds. Needless to say they weren't. In fact, the rites I participated in just made me more convinced that what I learned in the bible was true and I needed to get to know God a little more. Once my life was on the right path, I decided church is good, I just have to find the right church that does it the right way.
I had a very legalistic mind set at that point (it was necessary to turn my life around). It was always the right way or the highway for me. I didn't realize at the time that the "right" way was actually my way. Fortunately, I serve a gracious God and he has forgiven me for that. Slowly, the right counsellors in my life made me realize that my way isn't always the right way and its okay to be wrong. Granted it took them 8 years to teach me that and I still forget it sometimes, but I think I have the general principle down.
I went back to church when I was 18 with a genuine desire to find God. The first church I went to was full of people truly and honestly chasing after God. The worship was genuine, the people were honest and the preacher didn't preach as if he knew everything (that's a good thing). There were some significant things that happened to the people in leadership at that church all at the same time and slowly, the church started to dwindle. I could see what was happening and that was where this question of why do I go to church began. We started thinking about what a church should have. Sometimes it was people our age, sometimes it was established programs, sometimes it was people we knew, sometimes it was a preacher who really seemed to know God. We searched scripture for the rules of what a good church was and never really found an answer. Now I know why, but that's for later.
The last church I went to before the one I attend now was a very big learning experience for me personally, emotionally and spiritually. I was the intern worship leader and they were supposed to be teaching me how to do it, but things didn't go well. I won't give you the details, but I ended up very hurt and questioned whether people who ran churches really cared about God and his mission at all. Each leader didn't seem to pray to find out what God wanted the church to do and everyone had different ideas. Some thought it should become a modern, seeker-driven worship center, some thought it should revert to a hymn singing traditional church and others thought it needed to become a jumping off point for some kind of community outreach. The fighting and indecision made me wonder if they were really following God at all. They weren't the first spiritual leaders that didn't seem to care and so I wondered whether church was a good thing at all.
The last 4 years of my life have been spent worshipping with the officers and congregation of the Glenmore Temple of the Salvation Army. They have really shown me why church exists and taught me why Christians should go to church. The bible doesn't say anywhere "Thou shalt go to church every Sunday without fail". The bible doesn't really tell us how we should do church. The bible tells us that we should fellowship with other believers. It also gives us a lot of information on how to act as people generally. In addition it says to be aware because the devil is prowling like a lion trying to take us down. Putting all of these together, this is what I have put together as my reason for going to church.
Fellowship with believers makes us feel accepted. It shows us that other people in the world believe the same things we do and therefore it is okay for us to believe. It gives us a place where we can talk about things that an unbelieving world labels as crazy or delussional without being afraid of what the people around us think. This also gives us trustworthy people to help us guard against heresy
Church also gives those who come from unbelieving families and countries a place of support, Ccnnecting them with others who also believe. Would you rather have your children babysat by someone who might read scripture to them as a bedtime story or try to invite their significant other over and have a makeout session with them? When the people in our lives reflect the beliefs we carry, our families are more likely to accept our beliefs as true (this is also a good thing. See my post on "Is indoctrination really a bad word?").
There is quite a conversation about what worship is. Is worship only the time we spend Sunday mornings singing songs to God and listening to a preacher or does it have something to do with the rest of our lives? Some say they go to church to worship God and to meet God. Well, I don't know about you, but Christ has taken residence in my heart since I was saved and so goes with me everywhere I go. I chat with him regularly. Im on the bus and someone comes to mind that I am having trouble understanding, I'm not afraid to say "Hey Jesus, what do you think I should do?" Frequently he brings to mind people in the bible and how they dealt with similar issues or gives me the scripture verse that tells me the answer. No I'm not hearing voices or anything of the like, I just know that my Saviour is real and listens when I call on him. According to that, I don't have to go to church to talk to him.
My own personal opinion about worship is that it takes place with everything we do. Waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, being on time for work, treating my clients with kindness, generosity and respect. They all are acts of worship. Anything that will allow God's light to shine in a dark world is an act of worship. Therefore, I don't have to go to church to worship.
There is one reflection of worship though that is better at church. The songs we sing, the prayers we say, the verses we read, the sermons we hear, they are all things an unbelieving world doesn't understand. They are sanctified and mean something very special to those of us that understand true communion with God. When we try to force ourselves to use these tools outside of a Christian circle, we sometimes give Satan a foothold to interrupt the work God wants to do. (Don't get me wrong. I am not saying we shouldn't bring these things outside the church. I am speaking specifically about the people NOT gifted in evangelism and teaching. The fear of what other people think of them can be truly crippling and dispel any communion that would otherwise happen). In these situations, we can easily become self conscious and distracted. Church gives people like that a place where they can leave the self consciousness at the door, put down the fear of doing the wrong thing and enter a kind of communion with God that otherwise might be tainted or, God-forbid, not even happen.
St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross both refer to the place we enter in these times of intentional worship as consolations. They are sweet consolations bestowed on us by our Beloved in times where we choose to be intimate with Him. It is these consolations that inspire us to maintain our faith even though the world pushes us to deny it.
To sum it up, the early church fathers saw the real life evidence of the parable of the sower. They saw that people on their own would struggle in their faith, would question it's truth and would be more likely to live a life that wasn't seasoned with salt and exuding the light that God shines through us. The reason they started churches back then was because they knew only in a place of true grace and acceptance could we really experience the sweet consolations God has for us and that those are the fuel of our faith. Church has taken different forms for different cultures and different generations, but ultimately, it serves exactly the same purpose. It gives us a place to come with wreckless abandon to the throne room of God, prostrate ourselves before him and express exactly what we really feel to our Creator, Saviour, Healer and Friend.
It is only now after a 10 year journey that I have seen the truth, but I know in the depth of my heart that it's what God is trying to teach me. It is being confirmed in every conversation I have and even by what my pastor preaches. He preached on the place of doubt in church and that it actually is not detrimental, in fact it has a very important place. He said not to let doubt make you stop coming to church. He said make sure you continue to go to church through your doubts. He said bring your doubts and voice them. Not accusingly, but honestly and sincerely. Basically he said, bring yourself as you are and as God has you now to this place of worship, realize that you are truly accepted even if you have doubts and use the experience and wisdom of the people there to help you get through those doubts. Let them pray for you to find the truth for yourself. Let them show you that they are God's people and whatever you are doubting is what God wants you to learn. My pastor may not have used the same words, but that's basically what I heard.
For those of you that read regularly but don't attend my church, sometimes there are things that are posted here that relate to the sermon or something in the service specifically that you weren't there to experience. My church records their sermons on CD so I asked if I could post it here. They seemed receptive to the idea, but still want to run it by the leadership, so I hope to soon have a link list to the recent sermons by date. Also, if I can work it out, I'll post it as a video so you can see the powerpoint presentations and words to the music as well. I'll keep you posted.
Gracefully yours
Leah
I first started going to church because Dad took me. Me and my brother both went until my brother was 12. I was 10 at that time and my brother had tried to get out of it for years. Something about church resonated with me. It's only now that I have identified within myself a sensitivity to the spiritual realm and that sensitivity has made me seek my creator at every step of my life. There was never a question of if I was created, just a question of who created me. The precepts in the bible have always resonated with me and I keep coming back to it and Christianity as the real answer.
Don't get me wrong, I tried other things. As a teenager, I participated in Wiccan rites and Satanic rituals. There is an Occult movement in Calgary that a lot of Christians are afraid to acknowledge, but it reminds me constantly that the Spiritual War we are called to wage is real and current. Every choice we make, every relationship we nurture sways the balance one direction or the other. I am hoping my actions generally sway it in the right direction.
Sorry, rabbit trail. Sometimes they're necessary. So church. The sensitivity to the spirit that I have always felt has made me question what I believe constantly. I will be honest. At some points, I have nearly talked myself out of the idea of church. It was a scary place for me when I returned. As a teenager I still acknowledged God as creator and the choices I was making were not an intentional insult to him, they were just the poor decisions of a teenager reaching out. (If you don't know my testimony, click here to read it, but be forewarned, it's a little graphic). I took part in the occult activity to see if the spiritual calling I had always felt would be satisfied in those worlds. Needless to say they weren't. In fact, the rites I participated in just made me more convinced that what I learned in the bible was true and I needed to get to know God a little more. Once my life was on the right path, I decided church is good, I just have to find the right church that does it the right way.
I had a very legalistic mind set at that point (it was necessary to turn my life around). It was always the right way or the highway for me. I didn't realize at the time that the "right" way was actually my way. Fortunately, I serve a gracious God and he has forgiven me for that. Slowly, the right counsellors in my life made me realize that my way isn't always the right way and its okay to be wrong. Granted it took them 8 years to teach me that and I still forget it sometimes, but I think I have the general principle down.
I went back to church when I was 18 with a genuine desire to find God. The first church I went to was full of people truly and honestly chasing after God. The worship was genuine, the people were honest and the preacher didn't preach as if he knew everything (that's a good thing). There were some significant things that happened to the people in leadership at that church all at the same time and slowly, the church started to dwindle. I could see what was happening and that was where this question of why do I go to church began. We started thinking about what a church should have. Sometimes it was people our age, sometimes it was established programs, sometimes it was people we knew, sometimes it was a preacher who really seemed to know God. We searched scripture for the rules of what a good church was and never really found an answer. Now I know why, but that's for later.
The last church I went to before the one I attend now was a very big learning experience for me personally, emotionally and spiritually. I was the intern worship leader and they were supposed to be teaching me how to do it, but things didn't go well. I won't give you the details, but I ended up very hurt and questioned whether people who ran churches really cared about God and his mission at all. Each leader didn't seem to pray to find out what God wanted the church to do and everyone had different ideas. Some thought it should become a modern, seeker-driven worship center, some thought it should revert to a hymn singing traditional church and others thought it needed to become a jumping off point for some kind of community outreach. The fighting and indecision made me wonder if they were really following God at all. They weren't the first spiritual leaders that didn't seem to care and so I wondered whether church was a good thing at all.
The last 4 years of my life have been spent worshipping with the officers and congregation of the Glenmore Temple of the Salvation Army. They have really shown me why church exists and taught me why Christians should go to church. The bible doesn't say anywhere "Thou shalt go to church every Sunday without fail". The bible doesn't really tell us how we should do church. The bible tells us that we should fellowship with other believers. It also gives us a lot of information on how to act as people generally. In addition it says to be aware because the devil is prowling like a lion trying to take us down. Putting all of these together, this is what I have put together as my reason for going to church.
Fellowship with believers makes us feel accepted. It shows us that other people in the world believe the same things we do and therefore it is okay for us to believe. It gives us a place where we can talk about things that an unbelieving world labels as crazy or delussional without being afraid of what the people around us think. This also gives us trustworthy people to help us guard against heresy
Church also gives those who come from unbelieving families and countries a place of support, Ccnnecting them with others who also believe. Would you rather have your children babysat by someone who might read scripture to them as a bedtime story or try to invite their significant other over and have a makeout session with them? When the people in our lives reflect the beliefs we carry, our families are more likely to accept our beliefs as true (this is also a good thing. See my post on "Is indoctrination really a bad word?").
There is quite a conversation about what worship is. Is worship only the time we spend Sunday mornings singing songs to God and listening to a preacher or does it have something to do with the rest of our lives? Some say they go to church to worship God and to meet God. Well, I don't know about you, but Christ has taken residence in my heart since I was saved and so goes with me everywhere I go. I chat with him regularly. Im on the bus and someone comes to mind that I am having trouble understanding, I'm not afraid to say "Hey Jesus, what do you think I should do?" Frequently he brings to mind people in the bible and how they dealt with similar issues or gives me the scripture verse that tells me the answer. No I'm not hearing voices or anything of the like, I just know that my Saviour is real and listens when I call on him. According to that, I don't have to go to church to talk to him.
My own personal opinion about worship is that it takes place with everything we do. Waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, being on time for work, treating my clients with kindness, generosity and respect. They all are acts of worship. Anything that will allow God's light to shine in a dark world is an act of worship. Therefore, I don't have to go to church to worship.
There is one reflection of worship though that is better at church. The songs we sing, the prayers we say, the verses we read, the sermons we hear, they are all things an unbelieving world doesn't understand. They are sanctified and mean something very special to those of us that understand true communion with God. When we try to force ourselves to use these tools outside of a Christian circle, we sometimes give Satan a foothold to interrupt the work God wants to do. (Don't get me wrong. I am not saying we shouldn't bring these things outside the church. I am speaking specifically about the people NOT gifted in evangelism and teaching. The fear of what other people think of them can be truly crippling and dispel any communion that would otherwise happen). In these situations, we can easily become self conscious and distracted. Church gives people like that a place where they can leave the self consciousness at the door, put down the fear of doing the wrong thing and enter a kind of communion with God that otherwise might be tainted or, God-forbid, not even happen.
St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross both refer to the place we enter in these times of intentional worship as consolations. They are sweet consolations bestowed on us by our Beloved in times where we choose to be intimate with Him. It is these consolations that inspire us to maintain our faith even though the world pushes us to deny it.
To sum it up, the early church fathers saw the real life evidence of the parable of the sower. They saw that people on their own would struggle in their faith, would question it's truth and would be more likely to live a life that wasn't seasoned with salt and exuding the light that God shines through us. The reason they started churches back then was because they knew only in a place of true grace and acceptance could we really experience the sweet consolations God has for us and that those are the fuel of our faith. Church has taken different forms for different cultures and different generations, but ultimately, it serves exactly the same purpose. It gives us a place to come with wreckless abandon to the throne room of God, prostrate ourselves before him and express exactly what we really feel to our Creator, Saviour, Healer and Friend.
It is only now after a 10 year journey that I have seen the truth, but I know in the depth of my heart that it's what God is trying to teach me. It is being confirmed in every conversation I have and even by what my pastor preaches. He preached on the place of doubt in church and that it actually is not detrimental, in fact it has a very important place. He said not to let doubt make you stop coming to church. He said make sure you continue to go to church through your doubts. He said bring your doubts and voice them. Not accusingly, but honestly and sincerely. Basically he said, bring yourself as you are and as God has you now to this place of worship, realize that you are truly accepted even if you have doubts and use the experience and wisdom of the people there to help you get through those doubts. Let them pray for you to find the truth for yourself. Let them show you that they are God's people and whatever you are doubting is what God wants you to learn. My pastor may not have used the same words, but that's basically what I heard.
For those of you that read regularly but don't attend my church, sometimes there are things that are posted here that relate to the sermon or something in the service specifically that you weren't there to experience. My church records their sermons on CD so I asked if I could post it here. They seemed receptive to the idea, but still want to run it by the leadership, so I hope to soon have a link list to the recent sermons by date. Also, if I can work it out, I'll post it as a video so you can see the powerpoint presentations and words to the music as well. I'll keep you posted.
Gracefully yours
Leah
Friday, 29 October 2010
How I became an Ojibwa
I am so sorry to those who have been waiting breath abaited for this. I don't get much time to write during the week and had a lot of house work to catch up on last weekend (which we actually succeeded at doing).
So as some of you already know, my Grandad passed away this month. I am not sad that he is gone, although I think often about how many times he snuck me bubble gum when I was growing up. He was very sick and in alot of pain. It had started a few years ago with a stroke and went downhill from there. He had a habit of telling it like it was, or at least the way he saw it and really there was no other way. I haven't really spent time with him in about 15 years. I always told myself I would get there next year. I guess next year finally came. Note to self, don't do that again.
So Grandad's funeral actually posed a bit of a spiritual challenge for me. Grandad wasn't a Christian. He wasn't one of those wishy washy people that just say "I don't know what's out there". He vocally stood up to say he didn't believe in the bible and he didn't believe in religion. He didn't understand why I felt the need to go to church every week. My grandma confided in me once that he had told her if she wanted to read her bible and pray, she was welcome to do so, but it should happen in the privacy of her own bedroom when there was no one else around. My evangelistic spirit told me as soon as he passed away "it's too late". The thought of where he is now both terrifies me and makes me question what I consider true. It's with this in mind that I attended his funeral.
It was a short, simple service. He was a veteran so there was a service chaplain there and an honour guard. 18 men and women came from around BC to honour his passing. My grandma was surprised there were that many. He was buried to the sound of bagpipes. He was a scotchman through and through. Though he had no accent, you never doubted his heritage.
My Grandma told me after the service that a young man from the community was coming over that evening "to do something I've never done before". It turned out, that young man was an Ojibwa medicine man. If I remember correctly, his name was Wapsimahea. I could have it completely wrong though. He went by Solomon. I found that kind of ironic.
The ceremony he was doing was to honour my grandad. You see, grandad was an active part of the legion where they live. He took part in a candlelight ceremony every Rememberance Day in the local cemetary to commemorate the fallen soldiers and veterans that had passed. The Ojibwa believe that warriors are very important. They mean a lot in their culture. To be called a warrior is to be greatly honoured. Solomon had helped Grandad with this ceremony every year for a long time. Solomon said he had come to love Grandad very much. Because of this, his tribe had agreed to honour Grandad with an Eagle's feather. Usually it would have been hand beaded by one of the people in the tribe before the ceremony, but Solomon's mother wanted the priviledge of beading Grandad's feather and she was away so she would bead it later.
While Solomon was performing this ceremony, he explained some things about the Ojibwa beliefs. How they come into the world in the East and leave the world in the West. Sunset means a great deal to them. He also explained that They believe they come from the creator in the spirit world and are commisioned with caring for mother earth while they are here. He explained a whole lot of things about their theology that I don't think I can explain correctly to someone else. What I will say about it though is that it sounded very similar to the theology of Christians, even though it was missing the acceptance of Christ.
It got me thinking about the origins of the religions. Christianity started thousands of years ago before there was a global economy and internet. Before we even knew the world was round, let alone that other people existed there. The same is true of Ojibwa. It started when there was nothing but indians on what they call "Turtle Island" (North America). So is it possible then that God came to them like he came to the Jews and helped them understand him in their own terms? Is it possible that we actually worship the same God? Nothing Solomon told me about in the ceremony was counter scriptural, except that it was directed at Solomon's God. They call their God "Creator" so technically that's still not against scripture. I'm starting to research what God says about other religions, how the Ojibwa connect with their creator and what that means to what I've been taught. It's also making me revisit my beliefs on heaven and hell. I pray to God every night that Grandad isn't burning in eternal fire but have to hope that somewhere, somehow someone told him the truth and that he accepted it, even if he didn't tell other people about it. I guess that's the advantage to worshipping a God that knows our inmost thoughts and feelings.
The how I became an Ojibwa thing is that Solomon told us during the feather ceremony that when a rite like this is performed on someone outside the tribe, that person is now family. Family to the Ojibwa doesn't stop at blood lines. It is anyone that has taken part in things like this.
So now you know how I became an Ojibwa.
So as some of you already know, my Grandad passed away this month. I am not sad that he is gone, although I think often about how many times he snuck me bubble gum when I was growing up. He was very sick and in alot of pain. It had started a few years ago with a stroke and went downhill from there. He had a habit of telling it like it was, or at least the way he saw it and really there was no other way. I haven't really spent time with him in about 15 years. I always told myself I would get there next year. I guess next year finally came. Note to self, don't do that again.
So Grandad's funeral actually posed a bit of a spiritual challenge for me. Grandad wasn't a Christian. He wasn't one of those wishy washy people that just say "I don't know what's out there". He vocally stood up to say he didn't believe in the bible and he didn't believe in religion. He didn't understand why I felt the need to go to church every week. My grandma confided in me once that he had told her if she wanted to read her bible and pray, she was welcome to do so, but it should happen in the privacy of her own bedroom when there was no one else around. My evangelistic spirit told me as soon as he passed away "it's too late". The thought of where he is now both terrifies me and makes me question what I consider true. It's with this in mind that I attended his funeral.
It was a short, simple service. He was a veteran so there was a service chaplain there and an honour guard. 18 men and women came from around BC to honour his passing. My grandma was surprised there were that many. He was buried to the sound of bagpipes. He was a scotchman through and through. Though he had no accent, you never doubted his heritage.
My Grandma told me after the service that a young man from the community was coming over that evening "to do something I've never done before". It turned out, that young man was an Ojibwa medicine man. If I remember correctly, his name was Wapsimahea. I could have it completely wrong though. He went by Solomon. I found that kind of ironic.
The ceremony he was doing was to honour my grandad. You see, grandad was an active part of the legion where they live. He took part in a candlelight ceremony every Rememberance Day in the local cemetary to commemorate the fallen soldiers and veterans that had passed. The Ojibwa believe that warriors are very important. They mean a lot in their culture. To be called a warrior is to be greatly honoured. Solomon had helped Grandad with this ceremony every year for a long time. Solomon said he had come to love Grandad very much. Because of this, his tribe had agreed to honour Grandad with an Eagle's feather. Usually it would have been hand beaded by one of the people in the tribe before the ceremony, but Solomon's mother wanted the priviledge of beading Grandad's feather and she was away so she would bead it later.
While Solomon was performing this ceremony, he explained some things about the Ojibwa beliefs. How they come into the world in the East and leave the world in the West. Sunset means a great deal to them. He also explained that They believe they come from the creator in the spirit world and are commisioned with caring for mother earth while they are here. He explained a whole lot of things about their theology that I don't think I can explain correctly to someone else. What I will say about it though is that it sounded very similar to the theology of Christians, even though it was missing the acceptance of Christ.
It got me thinking about the origins of the religions. Christianity started thousands of years ago before there was a global economy and internet. Before we even knew the world was round, let alone that other people existed there. The same is true of Ojibwa. It started when there was nothing but indians on what they call "Turtle Island" (North America). So is it possible then that God came to them like he came to the Jews and helped them understand him in their own terms? Is it possible that we actually worship the same God? Nothing Solomon told me about in the ceremony was counter scriptural, except that it was directed at Solomon's God. They call their God "Creator" so technically that's still not against scripture. I'm starting to research what God says about other religions, how the Ojibwa connect with their creator and what that means to what I've been taught. It's also making me revisit my beliefs on heaven and hell. I pray to God every night that Grandad isn't burning in eternal fire but have to hope that somewhere, somehow someone told him the truth and that he accepted it, even if he didn't tell other people about it. I guess that's the advantage to worshipping a God that knows our inmost thoughts and feelings.
The how I became an Ojibwa thing is that Solomon told us during the feather ceremony that when a rite like this is performed on someone outside the tribe, that person is now family. Family to the Ojibwa doesn't stop at blood lines. It is anyone that has taken part in things like this.
So now you know how I became an Ojibwa.
Thursday, 7 October 2010
In Jesus Name
So you'd think with what I believe, I would be completely in support of this phrase. In reality, I despise it. The phrase says "I don't have the capacity to love that person, so I'm going to do it in Jesus name". It almost releases us from the responsibility of changing who we are to become the people God made us to be.
I was talking to someone about a close friend I am worried about and they said at the end of the conversation "You just need to keep loving them in Jesus name". What if I want to love them in my name? Are they really so unlovable that I cannot out of my own strength love them? I think not. Just because I am not saying I am loving them in Jesus name, doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love them. I dont have to love them in Jesusname because God created the capacity in me to love regardless of the circumstances. It is not perfect, I judge and criticize and become selfish sometimes, but ultimately I am able to love that person. It really has gotten me thinking about the phrase and why it is used. Really put me off.
Sorry for the rant, but it was bugging me.
I was talking to someone about a close friend I am worried about and they said at the end of the conversation "You just need to keep loving them in Jesus name". What if I want to love them in my name? Are they really so unlovable that I cannot out of my own strength love them? I think not. Just because I am not saying I am loving them in Jesus name, doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love them. I dont have to love them in Jesusname because God created the capacity in me to love regardless of the circumstances. It is not perfect, I judge and criticize and become selfish sometimes, but ultimately I am able to love that person. It really has gotten me thinking about the phrase and why it is used. Really put me off.
Sorry for the rant, but it was bugging me.
Saturday, 25 September 2010
A Breaking Heart
I am not naming any names here. You will know who you are. I don't want you to feel attacked or pressured. I love you very much and my life without you would mean much less, but I feel like I have to ask. You are a friend who was once a dear friend of God. He spoke through you numerous times before and whether you agree or not, he still does. Your search for God seems to have ended and not in the place I would have expected. I am not afraid for you for you have made your choices and I accept you as you are, but I try to imagine my life without the hope and confidence God gives it and my heart breaks. My strength comes from God so without him, I don't know how you carry your burdens. My joy comes from him so I don't know how you smile. My hope comes from his promise that he has plans for me. Plans for a hope and a future. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I don't know how you find a reason to go on. You haven't said exactly that you aren't a Christian or you don't believe in God anymore, but what I read and our conversations leave me wondering where you are. Our relationship is fragile so I don't want to push you away since I love you very dearly, but I need to know where you are at so I can temper my conversations and expressions accordingly. I am unsure because there are still conditions you place on certain situations that reflect Christian values. So maybe I have misunderstood (as always). I hope you don't feel attacked and I hope you understand why I couldn't ask you in person. I also hope we can havea girl day soon.
Due Warning
FYI guys, I wasn't posting for a long time because someone said my posts are always long winded. It takes too long for me to make them more concise. When I blog, I tend to just sit down and write whatever's in my brain and that's a lot lately. I said when I started this blog I am not apologizing for who I am so I'm not going to start now. Just be aware that reading my blog could take a while. Especially while I get the core ideas out :-)
Monday, 20 September 2010
Click
And no I don't' mean the cheap alternative to SPAM.
I had a moment on Sunday. My Saviour met me. Or should I say I met my Saviour? Who knows. Either way, I was face to face with Christ...Finally. I have been struggling with surrender lately. It is a concept I have always talked about but rarely been able to do. To completely let God take over the things that challenge me is extremely hard. Can he really handle it? Will he do what's right for me?
He can and He will. It was scary there for a while. I started thinking this was a God who couldn't get me. If I am such a unique human being and everything is made for everyone else, how could he understand? I didn't see the answers to my prayers and I was thinking he didn't answer them. It challenged everything about what I believe. I thought he could move mountains and cared about everything I prayed for?
A couple of months ago, I decided to take a leap. After a conversation with my spiritual director, I started trying to lay everything down. Its not simple. You don't just tell your fingers "Let Go". I have to say let go and fifteen minutes later ask myself why I'm holding it again. I decided that I would tell myself a new story when people hurt me. No longer would I say "they're out to damage me" or "they'll never understand". I started trying to catch myself and say "they made a mistake" or "they understand me a little more now". It has taken a long time, but now my manager speaks to me with respect. He comes to me for input because he values it. My coworkers no longer fear teasing me (a little cause I still get caught off guard and they are trying not to hurt my feelings again). My husband doesn't get scared when I'm not happy. He knows it will pass.
I keep coming back to the song I started writing last year. Being that I am back in school now, I am surrounded by music and musicians and I have naturally started creating again. I think I will try to finish it by next year. Might have also turned itself into the start of a musical. I don't know exactly what about yet, but I could totally see it in Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat.
The song was called "Surrender" and went like this:
Here I stand on the precipice
The altar calling from the canyon floor below
THe still Dark Night has ended
And it's a long way home
I long to hear your voice from the Chasm
I stand here broken and empty, alone
A whisper on the wind asks me to bend a broken knee
and surrender all I've held on to
I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song
And Surrender
The journey's long and hard and I'm alone
My heartache sorrow and fear weigh me down
I turn my eyes to you to lift the load that burdens me
and seek the rest that only you can bring
I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song
And Surrender
All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live
I Surrender all
I surrender all
all to thee my blessed Saviour
I surrender all.
I can hear the violin solo and the part where it's just an acoustic guitar strumming, but every time I've started to try to record it, things fall apart. I think I am going to record it all myself as I learn how to play the instruments I need. Might take more than a year, but we'll see what happens.
It's hard to tell myself after so many years of "you can't do this" that I can do this and am talented. I am afraid to say things or do things sometimes that other people might think is weird but that means they never get to see the things they wouldn't think are weird.
This week's addition to my picture? I am both humble and creative. I create without even thinking and don't think my work is better than anyone else's but still accord the credit it deserves. Maybe next week I can add outgoing to the list :-)
I had a moment on Sunday. My Saviour met me. Or should I say I met my Saviour? Who knows. Either way, I was face to face with Christ...Finally. I have been struggling with surrender lately. It is a concept I have always talked about but rarely been able to do. To completely let God take over the things that challenge me is extremely hard. Can he really handle it? Will he do what's right for me?
He can and He will. It was scary there for a while. I started thinking this was a God who couldn't get me. If I am such a unique human being and everything is made for everyone else, how could he understand? I didn't see the answers to my prayers and I was thinking he didn't answer them. It challenged everything about what I believe. I thought he could move mountains and cared about everything I prayed for?
A couple of months ago, I decided to take a leap. After a conversation with my spiritual director, I started trying to lay everything down. Its not simple. You don't just tell your fingers "Let Go". I have to say let go and fifteen minutes later ask myself why I'm holding it again. I decided that I would tell myself a new story when people hurt me. No longer would I say "they're out to damage me" or "they'll never understand". I started trying to catch myself and say "they made a mistake" or "they understand me a little more now". It has taken a long time, but now my manager speaks to me with respect. He comes to me for input because he values it. My coworkers no longer fear teasing me (a little cause I still get caught off guard and they are trying not to hurt my feelings again). My husband doesn't get scared when I'm not happy. He knows it will pass.
I keep coming back to the song I started writing last year. Being that I am back in school now, I am surrounded by music and musicians and I have naturally started creating again. I think I will try to finish it by next year. Might have also turned itself into the start of a musical. I don't know exactly what about yet, but I could totally see it in Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat.
The song was called "Surrender" and went like this:
Here I stand on the precipice
The altar calling from the canyon floor below
THe still Dark Night has ended
And it's a long way home
I long to hear your voice from the Chasm
I stand here broken and empty, alone
A whisper on the wind asks me to bend a broken knee
and surrender all I've held on to
I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song
And Surrender
The journey's long and hard and I'm alone
My heartache sorrow and fear weigh me down
I turn my eyes to you to lift the load that burdens me
and seek the rest that only you can bring
I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song
And Surrender
All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live
I Surrender all
I surrender all
all to thee my blessed Saviour
I surrender all.
I can hear the violin solo and the part where it's just an acoustic guitar strumming, but every time I've started to try to record it, things fall apart. I think I am going to record it all myself as I learn how to play the instruments I need. Might take more than a year, but we'll see what happens.
It's hard to tell myself after so many years of "you can't do this" that I can do this and am talented. I am afraid to say things or do things sometimes that other people might think is weird but that means they never get to see the things they wouldn't think are weird.
This week's addition to my picture? I am both humble and creative. I create without even thinking and don't think my work is better than anyone else's but still accord the credit it deserves. Maybe next week I can add outgoing to the list :-)
Monday, 13 September 2010
Monday, 19 July 2010
Where I am, Who I am
So over this journey I've had trying to find myself and learn how to be me, I've had to determine where I am and who I want to be. Not who I want to turn into, but who I want to be right now. It's harder than I thought it would be. Do I define myself by what I do or by what people would say about me? Maybe I am defined by what I say about me. Where does God fit into all this? It started an interesting conversation.
The question is how does God fit into my new life? I am nothing like other people. The things I enjoy and hate aren't the same as most people. For other people, being fidgety and forgetting birthdays and anniversaries is a mark of not caring. For me, its a fact of life. Instead of using it as an excuse though, I am trying to do things to remind myself. Its hard, but I'm starting.
This all made me look at my relationship with church. That's where I used to experience God the most. Now, I haven't consistently attended for a year. Rich has made the comment that when I go to church, I have a better week, but I still have issues. I get frustrated with myself because I can't concentrate on the sermon, announcements or kids time. I feel like it is an insult to God to go into his house and not pay attention to him. Slowly I've been trying to accept that God knows my inner workings and understands, but I still can't get past the feeling that I offend him. Problem is, then I just don't go to church for weeks on end. Something tells me that's more of an insult than going and not paying attention.
I've thought about getting more involved in the services, but most churches require you to at least pretend to have a deep satisfying relationship with God before being involved in anything more than choir. How would you feel if you were the pastor or music coordinator at a church and one of the congregants said "Yeah, I get bored in the services so I'd like something to do. Do you think I could be involved in the worship team?" Some small part of me just thinks that's wrong.
It doesn't mean that I don't love God or want to commune with him. It's just that I've found a way to relate to God on my own terms. I listen to the fleeting topics that catch my fancy so briefly for things God might be saying to me. If I have a Bible verse that I can't remember, I go look it up. If I all of a sudden am remembering a conversation with someone about the right and wrong things to do or who God is, I don't just move past it. I try to remember. I take a moment and ask God, "What are you trying to say to me?"
It means I don't sit down for the "required" hour every morning with a Bible and a journal and study scripture. That is torture. Instead, I try to relate every experience to what I already know of God and leave every moment open to hearing something from him. I listen constantly for the still, small voice that I became so familiar with and let God guide my moments. I still have my ugly ones, but I'm human. Hopefully both God and people are willing to forgive me for them.
Now what I'm working on is creating a picture of who I want to be now. Not who I am going to change into, but who I am. I'm sorting through the habits and ideas I have and figuring out which ones were placed there by other people (like the idea that its insulting to spend time at God's house and not pay attention to him) and which ones God started (like the fact that I'm human and precious). I'm writing a lot of journal entries and lists lately which is weird, but good and every day when I look in the mirror, I feel like I look a little bit more like me. I can't wait to see what I look like when I'm done.
The question is how does God fit into my new life? I am nothing like other people. The things I enjoy and hate aren't the same as most people. For other people, being fidgety and forgetting birthdays and anniversaries is a mark of not caring. For me, its a fact of life. Instead of using it as an excuse though, I am trying to do things to remind myself. Its hard, but I'm starting.
This all made me look at my relationship with church. That's where I used to experience God the most. Now, I haven't consistently attended for a year. Rich has made the comment that when I go to church, I have a better week, but I still have issues. I get frustrated with myself because I can't concentrate on the sermon, announcements or kids time. I feel like it is an insult to God to go into his house and not pay attention to him. Slowly I've been trying to accept that God knows my inner workings and understands, but I still can't get past the feeling that I offend him. Problem is, then I just don't go to church for weeks on end. Something tells me that's more of an insult than going and not paying attention.
I've thought about getting more involved in the services, but most churches require you to at least pretend to have a deep satisfying relationship with God before being involved in anything more than choir. How would you feel if you were the pastor or music coordinator at a church and one of the congregants said "Yeah, I get bored in the services so I'd like something to do. Do you think I could be involved in the worship team?" Some small part of me just thinks that's wrong.
It doesn't mean that I don't love God or want to commune with him. It's just that I've found a way to relate to God on my own terms. I listen to the fleeting topics that catch my fancy so briefly for things God might be saying to me. If I have a Bible verse that I can't remember, I go look it up. If I all of a sudden am remembering a conversation with someone about the right and wrong things to do or who God is, I don't just move past it. I try to remember. I take a moment and ask God, "What are you trying to say to me?"
It means I don't sit down for the "required" hour every morning with a Bible and a journal and study scripture. That is torture. Instead, I try to relate every experience to what I already know of God and leave every moment open to hearing something from him. I listen constantly for the still, small voice that I became so familiar with and let God guide my moments. I still have my ugly ones, but I'm human. Hopefully both God and people are willing to forgive me for them.
Now what I'm working on is creating a picture of who I want to be now. Not who I am going to change into, but who I am. I'm sorting through the habits and ideas I have and figuring out which ones were placed there by other people (like the idea that its insulting to spend time at God's house and not pay attention to him) and which ones God started (like the fact that I'm human and precious). I'm writing a lot of journal entries and lists lately which is weird, but good and every day when I look in the mirror, I feel like I look a little bit more like me. I can't wait to see what I look like when I'm done.
Friday, 21 May 2010
Life as I know it
So as some of you may already know, life as I know it has drastically changed this year. It is nothing that anyone else would notice, but it is hugely different to me. My previous ambition to become a worship leader has waxed and waning in its place is an ambition to become myself. I have had glimpses of who I am in the past and would push to make sure pieces of myself were maintained, but I never felt like I had what I needed to truly be myself. I now have the tools I needed to explore the inner workings of me confidently and courageously. When I come on things I don't like, I am not afraid of them or defeated by them. I can move quickly past them now and stand as I am, who I am looking forward to what tomorrow brings.
The name of my blog has changed to reflect that change in my life. Everything that was here prior remains since it all has part to do with who and what I am, but myblog will have a different focus and consistency going forward. Thank you to those of you who are still waiting breath abated (or not since I don't think I deserve it) for my next post. I hope not to let you down.
The name of my blog has changed to reflect that change in my life. Everything that was here prior remains since it all has part to do with who and what I am, but myblog will have a different focus and consistency going forward. Thank you to those of you who are still waiting breath abated (or not since I don't think I deserve it) for my next post. I hope not to let you down.
Saturday, 6 June 2009
The Wall
So I figured anyone who is reading this might want an update on what's been going on. It's been a really long time since my last post and a lot has happened. Last time I wrote, I was standing in the kitchen and God was working on the mess that was me. He caught me off guard and taught me that no matter how hard I try, I will still have things abgout me that I don't like and there will be some people that don't like me and that's fine. As I was standing here learning this lesson, I found out what has turned out to be one of the most significant discoveries of my entire lifetime. I have severe AD/HD. Somehow I was never tested growing up, but the specialists say they are surprised it was never caught. Most kids grow out of it but there are some of us who are left with it through adulthood. What does this mean for me? Not a huge difference but it means that I have a better chance of succeeding at the things that matter the most to me now. I started my meds a week ago and have already noticed a huge difference. I think this may solve the problems I have been having at work both with focus and breaks. It's kind of freeing even though it means I will have to be on medication probably for the rest of my life. I mean there are worse things that could happen. What does this mean for you, my friends? Well, first of all, it means I might actually remember your birthday for once. That's always been one of my biggest frustrations. My short term memory has been affected by the AD/HD so now when I think of your birthday 3 weeks before hand, I will actually be able to keep it in my brain and possibly remember to call you on your birthday. Also, it means when we talk about doing projects or getting together, there's a good chance they will get done. It will be a while before I get the ones I've already started done, but I will get there. I still don't like the idea that I'm "broken" (faulty thinking from growing up in my family) but I will get over it as soon as I start seeing the fruits of my labours. I love you all and just so you know I probably won't be posting here very often for a while. God is asking me to go back to blogging this as it was supposed to be when I started. I wanted this to be a blog of my journey towards being a worship leader. Right now, that dream is on hold while other things happen in my life. It may start up again in the fall, but for now, there will only be posts about major things that will affect me becoming a worship leader.
Thursday, 9 April 2009
We're Good
There's 2 words that I absolutely love. They are my Hakuna Matata. They mean so much more when put together than what they are alone. It means "Anything you may think you have done wrong, I forgive you for" and "I may not have seen much of you recently but I still care deeply about you" and "even though you're a putz sometimes, I still love you". It means so much to me when someone says "we're good".
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