Going through my email and found this video of one of my favourite moments of all time. My friends are definitely awesome.

http://www.ctvnews.ca/video?clipId=691179

Sabbatical?

So I forgot which email I use to access this blog so haven't been able to post for a while. Needless to say, I finally got it back so hi again.

What's up with me you ask? Well here's the cliff notes version. I've been working at Best Buy Canada for almost 2 years, even though my doctor said 8 years ago that I would never be able to hold down a job. My husband and I have been working with a financial manager for 6 months and finally got our finances under control. Apparently we weren't spending irresponsibly, it's just really expensive to live in Calgary. I went through a weight loss training program supported by Alberta health with my husband and discovered that pretty much everything I was doing was wrong. We adjusted our habits and now I am starting to practice good habits that will be permanent changes so I don't end up fighting with my weight again. I finally got a new coach and am starting to get the housework under control. We have new tenants so our financial outlook is even better than stable. We may actually be able to start paying my parents back for helping to pay my tuition.

**To Mom and Dad: No that's not a promise, but know that I am trying.**

So needless to say, things are going really well right now. The biggest challenge I'm having is letting God stay in control of kaiRos. We tried to do a test run this summer and learned a lot of things. The method we are proposing is extremely promising based on the limited, biased sample we were able to work with. I am now working to become part of something called the lived experience program. It takes patients and pairs them up with research teams so the patients can recommend research topics that are actually relevant and influential to their experience. It means there will be less studies about what colour of clothes people with depression wear and more studies about what medications and therapeutic methods are actually useful. It's going well, but it takes time and patience is not one of my strongest virtues.

One of the things I am doing to keep God in control of my life, is I am following a study my church is doing on a book called The Story. It is a story version of the Bible as opposed to the standard regurgitation of the previously written texts. It helps to bring context to the passages and understand it as a historical heritage to be lived and remembered as opposed to an ancient relic to be revered for its age and controversy. We get regular journal topics to do through the week so I will post those conversations here so you can join me on the journey.

To those of you still with me, thank you for your support over the years. It has been a long road and I am glad to be on the journey with you.

Blessings,
Lady K

Alberta Brain Injury Initiative Survival Guide

Found this while writing up my proposal to be presented to the major organizations involved in Alberta's health ministry. Had a very serious realization about what is going to be possible in my future. It's still a good thing though. Sometimes that real moment when we admit to our deepest self that life is not going to be what we wanted/expected/thought is ok. It doesn't have to be a moment full of despair. It will likely still be full of pain and will require us to take a moment to grieve, but it can be the moment when we look to God and surrender everything we are and will be and say "I'm ready to embrace this and know you have great plans."

Alberta Brain Injury Initiative Survival Guide

kaiRos - kaiRos?

So I did a fundraiser launch for my project called the kaiRos Approach. Its the first phase of the care centre I have talked about doing for the last 5 years. About a month and a half ago I checked to see if there was anything in the media that used the name kaiRos and to my utter joy, I couldn't find anything. Strangely, in the last 3 weeks, no less than 5 organizations around the world have come out of the woodwork using the name I came up with. Unfortunately, because we haven't incorporated yet, there's nothing I can do and one of the organizations turns out to be a radical social justice group that tries to enact change by demonstrating at public events. I want to be the group that rolls up our sleeves and gets in the trenches with the people struggling with these issues, not the voice box that yells at people to do something about it. It saddens me that I have lost the name kaiRos for the project but it has to go forward. I'll have to put it to the board on Monday and get it fixed. I pray that God will lead me to the right name for the project so it can actually happen.

Back in the Habit

So I'm finally feeling a little more control of my life. The ironic thing is I say that on the first day I had a seizure in months. There is still chaos but it is because I allow it to be there. I'll be updating here once in a while again as I'm having successes. Potential areas of success: Business funding, working out, eating properly, drinking water, researching new developments in the neuro-psychological and neuro-psychiatric fields. Hope you enjoy.

Rhythm

So I am starting to love my life now. With school done, I am able to take that time and dedicate it to things I love. I am feeling enriched, fulfilled, and capable. Three things that were rare prior to graduation. Now that I have more time on my hands, I figure I'll start to share some of my life with you again. First things first, my garden.

After 3 years of neglect, the weed monsters had moved into my yards with a vengeance bringing weeds up to my knees and shrubs made out of tree root suckers. It was kind of intimidating, but like Mom always said, the only way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time. Here's what I was dealing with.

doesn't necessarily look so bad from a distance but everything in that flower bed is wild. My first task was to get rid of all of the overgrowth. Three years of it and this was only half of what I removed.

But I pressed on. My husband had said if I got all of the basic gardening and lawn care done, we could level the patio (at my request) and so I just kept the end goal in view, hunkered down and kept on going. One of the problems in the yard was there was a "bush" in the corner that looked suspiciously like the maple tree in the middle of the yard. I have a Nan King Cherry on the south end of the yard that I thought would look better than the overgrown maple so started digging. I forgot to take a picture with the gaping hole, but suffice it to say that six feet across and three feet down is not as easy as it sounds. It took me most of the day on Saturday to get it out, but eventually I did. When I got it out, lo and behold, it wasn't just an overgrown maple bush. It was a choked out Nan King Cherry. That's it in the picture behind me.

I pulled all of the maple roots and weeds out from around the root ball, washed it off and got ready to re-plant it. This was the pile of maple roots that were choking the cherry.

And this was the cherry back in its home with all of the weeding complete.

I can honestly say when you are going to do a project like this, it isn't wise to schedule running club and yoga on the same day, though by taking it easy at all of them, I wasn't in TOO much pain when I went to bed.

Sunday morning I got up early and started puttering. I finished all of the weeding in my vegetable garden bed before we left for Father's Day golf at Sylvan Lake. We got back too late for me to do any work on it before bed so I got to bed early and started planting early Monday morning (no work due to changeover YAY!!). By 9:30am I had finished planting what I had for seeds. Hopefully I got all of the instructions right and will soon have fresh grown food to eat.

All in all, I feel really good about finishing and sticking to a project. The yard is now ready for entertaining so if anyone wants to come break in my patio, let me know. I'll probably post again when we finish levelling it. Ta ta for now!!

 

Rejuvenation

It is when the over-stretched chaos of life finally subsides and I settle into a gentle busyness that occupies my mind just enough to feel productive and my hands just enough to feel useful, that I feel drawn into the arms of my Maker. As I putter in my garden and tidy random corners of my home, I feel like I step further and further into the interior castle of my soul, a place that the exuberant distractions of life has kept me from exploring in depth for far too long. As dear friends are drawn into my life in desperate need of life-giving prayer, and strangers pass by accompanied by whispers of the Spirit, I realize and revel in my true calling: to love the Creator's children and be loved by the Creator Himself. It is wonderful to know that when I, in my youth, was tired and weary, I could give my burdens to God and know that He would carry them. It is even more motivating to know that as I have trusted Him in the weariness, He has been faithful and I now begin to soar with eagles.

Isa 40:28-31 Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Everlasting God, the LORD, the Creator of the ends of the earth does not become weary or tired. His understanding is inscrutable. He gives strength to the weary, and to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, and vigorous young men stumble badly, yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, they will run and not get tired, they will walk and not become weary.

A Mother's Day Lament and A Glimmer of Hope (I Hope)

To all the mothers out there who gave your children up for adoption, had your children taken away, whether permanently or temporarily, lost your children to death either before or after birth; to the children out there who never knew their mothers, because of adoption, death, or life circumstances; I pray that you would find solace for your grief today no matter how old it is. God knows your heart and your pain and will send His Spirit to console you through it if you let him. The grief may sneak up on you unexpectedly or you may feel it coming miles away, but in either case, it needs to be honoured. As Mahbod Seraji said in Rooftops of Tehran "A mother without her child is like a vein without blood" and words can't describe the anguish of a child without a mother. For the mothers, I pray that God will show you a place where you can use the natural longing to nurture, teach, and care for someone in a special way. For the children, I pray God would bring someone into your life that will show you a glimmer of the love and support a mother would no doubt have given you.

Mothers and motherhood are a critical part of any journey. Though I celebrate my own mother with exuberant joy and look forward to spending time with her this summer, I grieve that I am unable to pour into my own daughter's life and hurt deeply as I wait for God to bring the privilege of motherhood back into my life. For those who are not grieving today, celebrate powerfully with your mothers, children and grandchildren. They are something to be cherished. See the gift God has given you in them and let them know how you feel about them.

If you look on a woman whose heart is breaking, say a prayer for her and love her out loud. Whether she knows it or not, it will help to assuage the painful void that is so difficult to leave behind.

For those that need it, take refuge in the Word of God. I pray it would not fall like empty platitudes on those who need its wisdom.

John 16:21-22 "Whenever a woman is in labor she has pain, because her hour has come; but when she gives birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish because of the joy that a child has been born into the world. Therefore you too have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away from you."

Blah

It would seem the harder I try to pursue a state of contentment with my current surroundings, the more frustrated I get. It seems the harder I try to do something that I feel will get me closer to the life I want to have, the farther away it feels. I keep hoping people around me will start wanting to spend time with me, as in asking me if I want to do things, inviting me to tag along for movies, asking me to coffee. I was starting to think I was asking too much, but D and M have both started doing just that. Problem is, D is leaving soon and M, as I would think everyone should be, doesn't have the energy to be my only friend. I want to cry out to people and tell them how I feel in a way that will make them want to do it, but when I run it through my head I sound high maintenance and whiny. Is it asking too much to just want people to want to spend time with me? Sometimes I feel like it is. Problem is, now that I've posted this, if anyone does start to ask me to spend time with them, I won't give them credit for it because I had to ask. All of my life, I have tried my best to anticipate the needs of others and proactively provide for them so they would see value in my being and reciprocate, but it sometimes feels like no one has done the same for me. I am probably just over-reacting, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me heart-sick. I have a lot of days I just wish I could do a mental reset and be like everyone else, but unfortunately that's not possible. It would seem I have no way to turn this unhealthy thought train around. It spins around on this closed track over and over forever keeping me from being able to be content. I have tried thought-stopping, I have tried positive re-enforcement, I have tried habitual replacement, I have tried cognitive behavioral therapy. Still I'm trapped in the cycle. I feel like the only thing that will change it is a regular pattern of people wanting me around, but I know even that won't help. Thought blogging it out would help, but so far.......

Audition

I went to school this morning as prepared as I could be for my audition. If I succeeded, I would be allowed back into the music program to complete my degree in Church Music, otherwise I would have to graduate witha  Bachelor of Religious Studies. I spent every extra minute I had in the last 2 weeks practicing the music they gave me and felt I did well at my audition. Ultimately the final decision was a no. I will not be allowed to continue to pursue a Bachelor of Arts in Music. They said I lacked dynamic range, my phrasing was non-existent until I had someone conducting me and the syncopation in the last song I sight read was non-existent. All of it was true. My personal feeling is that the clumsiness I have felt in my left hand for a long time now is not just that I am out of practice. When I get a migraine aura, it takes out the sensation in the left side of my body and if I injure myself, it tends to be on my left side. I think it is likely there is damage from the fight when I was 16 that can’t be diagnosed to the parts of my brain that communicate with my left side. Whether that is right or not, I have to move on with my life. The adjudicators did comment that they felt my music, though not of professional calibre, was still beautiful and encouraged me to continue playing. The triumphs I saw were that a year ago when someone tried to conduct me, I couldn’t play anything at all. Today I was able to play the melody and a couple of harmony notes and maintain some semblance of rhythm while being conducted. I also consider it a major triumph that I had to perform under scrutiny and I didn’t have a panic attack. Don’t get me wrong, I was really nervous, but it wasn’t a panic attack. Apparently those nerves listened this morning when I told them they weren’t allowed to play their old games of tying up my fingers, sitting on my chest, and erasing my memory. 

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support through this process. It has been difficult but I feel that with your support, I rose to the challenge and faced it well, even if it didn’t turn out the way I wanted. God has been revealing a plan to me for the last year that many of you have heard about. There is a gap in both the adult and children’s education systems when it comes to teaching people with disorders like attention, mood, and learning disorders that affect learning. A piece of paper on my wall isn’t required for me to tell you that sitting in classrooms and trying to do homework for the last 12 years has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life and many other people out there like me feel the same way. I will finish my degree on the highest note I possibly can with my head held high and feeling accomplished for even completing the program. For many like me, that is something they will never do. Once I am done school, I will be moving forward with my idea to create kaiRos Cognitive Care Center. It will be a place where people like me can make connections to caregivers who believe they can do something significant with their lives, teachers who believe personal attention is a benefit, and friends who truly understand what they are going through. It will be birthed out of my passion to help others succeed and will run on the principle that none should be left behind. Information and the skills required to acquire it should be free, even to those who have trouble reading, deciding what to read first, feeling like reading all the time, or understanding what they read. It is true that when God closes one door, he inevitably opens another, even if we don’t see it at first and so I am going to walk through this one with His hand in mine. 

Though I am about to start a new chapter in my life, the close of this one is still hard to take. I will be spending a day or 2 grieving, eating chocolate, pampering myself and being loved on by my husband then I will stand up stronger, fiercer, steadfast in the love of Christ, knowing that God knows the plans he has for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. Plans to give me a hope and a future. I have sought God with all my heart through this and he has shown me that he is faithful. I may not be doing a dance of joy for the outcome, but I give Him all the glory for what might come out of this. I thank you all for your continued love, prayers, hugs and support and look forward to seeing what God has in store for us together.

The Facebook Status

Some of you were taken very much by surprise by my Facebook status today. I feel you deserve more information than I can share in a simple status update so here it is. For those of you who didn't see it, the status was:

For anyone who might be listening:

I am now certain that Hope is no longer my friend. I wait, breath no longer abated, for Dignity to be quietly whisked away. Conversing with Dispair I find that it is my only companion, Sorrow my only refuge.

Many of you know that I have been working on my music degree for 13 years now on and off. Last year I was told not to expect to graduate this year and was ok with adding another year. A couple of weeks ago I found out my program co-ordinator was requiring another 3 years, solely for piano lessons. She told me to take solace in the fact that these lessons could be taken during the spring and summer to expedite the process, but they were necessary nonetheless. My husband and I have already spent $75,000 on this degree and I have given 13 years of my life to it both inside and out of the classroom. We decided before the year began that this would be my last year regardless of whether I graduated or not. We have already sacrificed the priviledge of owning our own house and buying our own car for this, and now we have reached the limit of what we are willing to sacrifice.

I set out this year to prove that I have overcome my performance anxiety, officially the only thing stopping me from graduating. I had hoped to change the minds of the administration and convince them I am really ready. I kind of understand them wanting me to be able to perform in public before they will give me a performance degree so I faced the mountain before me and said to it, "before this year is out, I will look back and you will be a mole hill, regardless of whether I graduate or not." I have pursued that goal with a vengence. I spend somewhere in the neighbourhood of 8-9 hours a day on the piano on the weekends. I thoroughly enjoy playing that much and I feel like I am making way better progress than I ever did before. I have already pretty much mastered an exercise given to me the first week of class this year and am trying to work through the one that has been my greatest challenge since day 1.

This is all well and good, but nowhere near worthy of the reaction you saw today. The impetus for that came from a conversation I had with my piano teacher today. I have been concerned with my progress in piano lessons as I know I will be years getting to a level of mastery the school is comfortable with at the rate I am going. I asked my piano teacher today whether I have viable skills as a musician, citing my composition and arranging skills and increased momentum in my lessons as evidence. He said they are awesome skills but you don't need a degree to do that and you won't make a living off it. He said that at the rate I'm going I shouldn't expect to be able to make any kind of decent living in the music industry either.

Please note that I long ago abandoned any ideas of making a "decent" living. My inability to keep the easiest of jobs and my frustration in the classroom have basically proven to me that I am not a bread-winner. That's my husband's job. I am just doing my best to find a place in this world that will give my existence some meaning and purpose. Something that will give some sense to the muck and mire that has been my life. There are MANY things in my life I have been told I can't do: be a secretary, be a shipping clerk, teach music for someone else's academy. The only thing that I have never been told I can't do is music. It is what I turn to when I am dispairing and when I am joyful. It is what gives me a reason to wake up in the morning. It is the last shred of hope I have before I sit down and listen to the voice in my head that screams loudly on a regular basis that I am a waste of human flesh and I should just crawl under a rock and die. I am grasping desperately to hold onto that hope as I am not convinced that my school sees the entire picture, but the intense respect and reverence I have for the musicians I am learning from gives their voice quite a bit of credibility in my mind. If they were to tell me the sky was green, I might just believe them for a little while.

Please know that all I have ever wanted to do with my life is to make music, whether I am composing my own or reproducing someone else's. The moment when I can forget about the mechanical side of reading the music and give myself to God's inspiration within the melodies and rhythms is sheer ecstasy to me. I feel like I am at home with God and we are playing around together. I can't leave that feeling behind but the venues where I would like to have explored this require some kind of certification. To work in a church, I have to have a certification that says I know the bible, to market myself as a musician, I need a past history of talent and skill, to join an orchestra, I need either conservatory or university training. I can't help but feel that I should be contributing to my household either by having and raising children or earning some money so we can be comfortable while we cope with not being able to right now and with what my piano teacher said today, I am feeling that door close very firmly in my face.

There are several things going through my heart right now. Most of them are anger directed at different people. Some at the people who told me I had to have a university degree to do anything when I was 19 years old, some at myself for believing them and wasting $75000 of my family's money, some at the education system for being so inflexible, some at the prostitutes who tried to kill me when I was 16 as it is the brain injury I got from that fight that has made it so I have to deal with these challenges. Ultimately there is no one to blame for this unfortunate circumstance and so my heart is broken that by no fault of my own, the thing from which I have drawn all of my value might be taken away from me.

The reason you saw the post you did was because this one hurts enough that I am not able to find the positive. I know it's there. If nothing else, God has taught me in my life that there is always a brighter side. This time I am hurting so bad that I am having trouble even looking for it. I have a meeting this Thursday with the Academic Dean, my program director and my piano teacher to discuss my program and I hope to convince them that there is something I can do, but have already been told there's not much point.

Please pray for me. I know that God's will is ultimately going to prevail whatever it may be and even if it is that I won't be able to graduate, some good will come of it. For today, I am left hurting very badly and feeling very alone. That said, it won't stop me from performing at Rockin' the Pygmy this Thursday, I just don't know exactly what I will be playing. Hopefully it will include Surrender.

Does God view the offering of a single, common person who has chosen out of devotion to follow Him as more pleasing than that of a ruler, priest or group of people.  This would apply significance to our choice to follow God devoutly in our personal lives. This does not make the offering of the priest or leader insignificant, just expected. It is like the story of the prodigal son. The son who did not run away showed by his actions his devotion to his father and the inability of the temptations of “freedom”, “pleasure” and “splendor” to turn him away from his devotion. His continued presence in the home became expected and triumph over temptation was never necessary, thus there was nothing to celebrate. In the passage being studied, the leaders and the priests have chosen roles that the offerings are expected regardless of whether that person wants to make them or not. In addition, the congregation as a whole may not in its entirety be sincere in the offering. They may be attending solely to avoid being singled out. They are not turning away from a sinful life by making the offering, instead they are doing it out of duty. Back to the story of the prodigal, the second son, by leaving, showed that he would entertain the idea of not living in the house. He showed that he could in fact be won over by temptation. His choice to return and remain at home was with the knowledge of what the other option could be. Returning and remaining was to be celebrated as he made the choice to reject “freedom” and “pleasure” and “splendor” over and over again each morning. It would be like having a modern conversion experience over and over again every time a person discovered they had sinned. Much could be said about the accuracy and legitimacy of this speculation, but for the purpose of this study, it will be left purely as that. Speculation and contemplation of what this could mean in the absence of direct scriptural confirmation or rejection of the exploration.

The Irritating Vibration Becomes The Resonant Hum

So it's taken a lot of work, a lot of tears and a lot of help from a lot of people (thanks Mom, Dad, Rich, Karin, Adele, Angeline, Colleen and everyone else that helped to keep me going this semester), but I feel like my life is starting to show some progress. It's not just a chaotic mess anymore. Goals that I have had on the back-burner for a very long time are finally starting to come together. I finished my semester having actually performed my first "Evolution of Lady K" concert, got B's in a lot of my classes and had a good argument as to why I would like the school to re-visit the 2 D's I did get. If my appeals are successful, my overall GPA this term would be around 2.4. Not great, but considering how badly I crashed and burned at the end, not entirely poor either.

I learned an extremely valuable lesson this semester. One that I probably should have already known and coming out the other end can honestly say I should have known better. I learned that no matter what I want to achieve in life, no matter how smart, talented, charismatic or funny I am, I CANNOT DO IT ALONE. I tried to rely on my own abilities this semester to manage my homework and life loads. What I keep forgetting is that my abilities are actually impaired. It is clinically diagnosed and as much as I don't want to see myself as having a disability or disorder of any kind, all the wishing in the world will not get rid of it. Unfortunately, it's just the way I am. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying I'm just going to flop down and give up on anything I ever wanted to do saying "Woe is me, I'm broken". Au contraire, I am looking at it as just the opposite. I am not broken, I am different. There's nothing wrong with different. It's just different and that's ok. In fact, it means that I can dream of doing things like opening live-in treatment centers for people with Attention and learning disorders and developing a renaissance college of music in the city and not feel strange. If people look at me sideways about it, I just tell them "welcome to life with a dreamer".

I read a book called "The Disorganized Mind" this semester (thanks mom for helping me make sense of it). It is a book about the challenges faced by those with ADHD giving them strategies to manage these challenges in such a way as to be more successful in their everyday life. According to the book, the concept of "neuroplasticity" says a person with ADHD can learn out of their difficulties. That means that a brain never stops learning. Even if a person gets brain damage that stops them from doing something they previously could do, the brain is resiliant enough that by repetition and consistent effort (the same things required to teach anything to a 4 year old I might add) it is POSSIBLE (not guaranteed) that the person can re-learn what it is they could no longer do. The ADHD brain has physical differences in the area that deals with executive function and so those processes don't work the same. With the concept of neuroplasticity, people with ADHD and therefore impaired executive functions (memory, prioritization and attention) can hope to succeed by basically borrowing someone else's executive function to retrain their own. If instead of just sitting there with a mantra of "I want to do it so I can do it, I want to do it so I can do it" spinning yourself into oblivion, "The Disorganized Mind" recommends hiring what they call an ADHD coach to help keep the person accountable. Imagine trying to remember what you didn't remember so you can try to remember it when your rememberer muscle is broke. It's almost as hard to understand as that sentence. It is nearly impossible for someone with ADHD to keep themselves accountable for something. The role of the ADHD coach is to find out what the person is trying to get better at and be their accountability partner. The reason for using an ADHD coach instead of say a family member or friend is because the coach is intentionally trained in the intricacies of the ADHD mind. They understand the impact of self-esteem on a person's ability to do something. They realize that just because the person failed at something doesn't mean they don't care about it, it just means they didn't succeed at it and just because they did it yesterday doesn't mean they will be able to do it today. The coach helps the person with ADHD analyze what went wrong when they did fail at something, kicking them out of old self-loathing habits and helping to start a new language that will re-inforce success instead of failure.

The process is to analyze what stops a person with ADHD from succeeding at what they want to do, keeping in mind that part of it is because of the ADHD, not because they are a defective person or whatever else their mind is trying to tell them (in my case, time-management and prioritizing), analyze exactly where the process they are using breaks down in extreme detail (I get side-tracked by other projects and tell myself I need to work on that project because it is just as important as the other thing I needed to do, when in actuality, this project could wait and I should be trying to be on time for whatever appointment I have), create a strategy to avoid it next time, playing to your strengths. If you are visual, make it visual, if you are auditory, make it auditory (for me, I have a list in my Outlook calendar of what I want to get done in a day with pictures to motivate me. I also check them off each time I finish them to cater to my tactile nature. If what I am doing is not on the list, I change my focus or call my coach to verify it realy is important), apply the strategy over and over regardless of whether it is successful every time (sometimes tweaks are needed but other times, you just have to rev the engine to get it to turn over. For me, it took weeks of frustration to get this happening but it eventually clicked and I am close to having it become a habit), regularly come back to the plan and decide whether it is working. If it could be more effective, this is where tweaks can be applied (I have to do this on about a weekly basis. So far I either call Mom or Richard to do it), then rinse and repeat.

That is where I have trouble. When I complete it one day, I want to say "There, I did it" and not think about it again. The problem is, if I don't, I won't succeed on the next day's plan. That is the basic idea. You then work it over and over again for each of the issues the ADHD brain deals with, but never working more than one thing at once. Right now, I am working my time-management strategy. I am aware of an issue I have with over-planning, but it would overwhelm me to tackle both. I have to factor in my over-planning when making my day's schedule. After managing my day's schedule is a habit, I will start working on reducing the amount of time I spend planning. Once that's done, I will identify the next thing standing in my way. Strangely enough, now that I am actually being conscious of what I am spending my time doing, I am unintentionally beginning to build in time for the things I have been neglecting like exercise and nutrition. It is all working together to make me more successful.

Out of this new-found rhythm, I have realized (with my Spiritual Director's help) that what I am doing here is living out a new Rule of Life. There is a difference between a Rule of Life and a New Year's Resolution. A Rule of Life says "this activity or idea or habit is important to me. I am going to change my lifestyle to accomodate and reflect it" whereas a New Year's Resolution says "This Year I am going to do X". The resolution doesn't affect the value system and doesn't guide other principles in your life. I have decided to write my Rule of Life here where others can keep me accountable to it. Here goes.

 I am going to use my life to follow the path that God shows me no matter where it leads. I will do my best to use virtues like goodness, kindness, self-control, honesty, mercy and justice (some of the characteristics of God himself) to guide the decisions I make. I will make sure to set aside the time I need to take care of my own body because if I do not, it will shorten the amount of time I am here to serve God. I will look at myself in the mirror and speak with honesty and truth about what I see, remembering grace that God has granted along with accountability and repentance. I will do my best to be the prism that God uses to refract the light of His love to shine abundantly on those around me.

So there it is. Next step is to see where that takes me. Ithink I have an idea, but that's a conversation for another day.

The Evolution of Lady K

So I had the first of my "Evolution of Lady K" concerts tonight. I think its more of a recital than a concert but whatever it is, it's good. Don't get me wrong, I made mistakes in every song I played and some I even had to try 3 times, but I was ok with it. I knew it wasn't detrimental. I didn't have the same overwhelming sense of dread that I usually get when I'm performing. The concert was intimate. Only 3 people were able to come, but I am so grateful that they made it. They were the right people to have there for the first concert. I've already decided to have another one on Dec 9 that will be a Christmas theme and will probably be a good old fashioned carol sing. Way I figure it, the more I can perform the better. I'm hoping that by the end of January I have worked on some repertoire with my piano teacher so I can play some new music. This was fun thougbh. I'm really glad I did it.

On a side note, I have to say I'm always amazed at how God works. I expected that this concert would just be me playing music and having some big epiphany about being afraid to play that would matter to me. Instead, God blind sides me with the size of my audience. I didn't expect to be so upset if only a few people could come, but I was. On Wednesday I was absolutely devastated. God decided to turn that around and show me that I have been taking those people that really do appreciate my music and have been present when I am playing for granted. Dad coming to Red Deer to see the choir perform, Richard coming to the choir concert in Calgary and many other times that people have gone out of their way to see me play. I'm realizing that even if I'm not playing to a stadium full of people, the performance still matters to whoever is listening and I need to put the people that didn't come out of my mind and play amazingly to say thank you to the people that did come as a thank you for their time. Some day I may play to a sold out crowd, but in the meantime, I will play to whoever will listen.


P.S. - keep your eyes (ears) peeled. I have started working on the Surrender recording and there is an entire album's worth of inspiration coming from it. It's called "The Evolution of Lady K". Stay tuned for more info.

Returns and renovations

Alright, so I just saw my spiritual director for the first time in somewhere near 2 months and we added a room to the house... well, we didn’t add a room, we FOUND a new room in the house today (Click Here if you haven`t read about the house or would like a refresher). Apparently, and not very surprisingly, God’s house has a recital hall. When I am doing anything for other people in the real world, I’m in the recital hall in God’s house. Recently I`ve been trying to figure out what`s going on with these panic attacks that have been happening every time I try to do something like play piano in public or suggest ideas to people. People have always said that worship is not only directed at God but done in conjunction with him. Only if he blesses our worship and we include him in the expression of it can we really do whatever it is we are offering to him as worship so his presence is critical. Based on that, praying before performances and inviting him in actually is an important thing.

I think this is very true and I have agreed with it since the very first time I heard it, but again in my life there is a difference between the way things are understood (head knowledge) and the way things are practiced (heart knowledge). It’s almost like I have an interior world. Everything that happens on the outside has an expression on the inside. So with the panic attack, there are actually physical things happening in my interior world that help me understand my exterior world. In this case it’s that as soon as I sit down at the piano in the exterior and have trouble reading the first note I get scared and that adrenaline rushes and on the inside I scream. Before I screamed I was sitting at the piano but now I have jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs and am running like crazy around the house. I am nowhere near the piano anymore. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just running and somehow I find myself out the front door down the street and run until I can’t run anymore.

That`s what’s happening inside when I`m having the panic attack on the outside. When I finally do tire out and can’t run any longer I stop and look around. I am in the strangest place. It`s an intersection of roads that don’t seem to lead anywhere. I somehow know that every road leads back to the house (something tells me God has something to do with that) so I don’t have to worry about which road to take I just have to start walking. Over the years, the trip home has gotten shorter and shorter but the amount of time that I spend running has gotten longer and longer (regular laws of physics don`t apply. A long run means its a long time before I stop panicking and a short walk home means I don`t try to avoid God anymore).

So we did an exercise today using God`s house (read up on Ignaatius sanctified imagination for more info).I lived in my spiritual world for a few moments to see what happens when the panic attack starts and how to resolve things. Usually what happens is I have my spastic panic screech and run out the door. Eventually I do come home and God is always at the front door and I have nothing left. I don’t even have the energy to walk into the healing room or the throne room or the kitchen. God scoops me up in his arms and he rocks me like an infant until I stop crying. He continues to rock me until I calm down and realize that I am back home in his arms. He takes me out to the terrace to just swing in the glider for a few minutes. If you don’t remember, the terrace is out by the kitchen near the throne room. It`s where the three paths are, the one with the briars, the one with the lawn and the one with the pathway. Apparently we’ve decorated the terrace cause it now has a glider swing. One of those outdoor rocky swingy things for 2 people. Me and god just sit there for a while. He doesn’t need me to say anything cause he already knows everything, he doesn’t need me to do anything cause there’s nothing he can’t do. He doesn’t need me to be better or change or do anything at all. He only needs me to just be and to remember that I am cherished and that we will try it again.

So eventually all of this works itself out. I’ve calmed down and I`m back in those arms back in that place I like to be. We’re chilling out on the terrace and we can chat. What he told me today, what hadn’t clicked before...It’s not just about saying a little prayer before you start playing to invite God into your playing. Instead, it`s that I need to invite him to play a duet with me. God said if I want to jam with him, all I have to do is ask. I can invite him to play with me any time and we can play it as a duet. I think that`s what happened years ago when I played Bridge Over Troubled Water and completely forgot that I had an audience. I didn`t know about the recital hall or God`s house yet but somehow I tapped into it. To me it is a glorious image of what I would like to be doing.

I am again floored by how quickly things click when I finally get them. Even today when I was on Mediashout, before church started I was thinking through the steps and wanting to do so well but it didn`t quite do enough. I still was nervous and tense and panicky and not sure if I was going to do right and that was even before I went to church this morning. Now I`m thinking of next week. I`m scheduled to play piano in church and have no organist to accompany me and playing clarinet in public for the first time when Im so new at the clarinet. Right now I`m actually thinking about this and I`m in a place of joy. I can`t wait to see what it`s going to be like to play a duet with God. Don`t get me wrong. I`m not kidding myself. I`m still going to be nervous and I`m probably still going to have a panic attack. My hope is that this time the panic attack doesn`t send me screaming through the house. My hope is that I can remember that God is there listening and playing with me. My hope is that I am not there playing for the people in the room but sitting in the house jamming with God. I`m getting ecstatic at the idea of being able to play around and jam with God. It is going to be such an absolute blast and I am so looking forward to it.

InstaPoll: Sadie Black's Parody of Rebecca Black's "Friday"

So Rebecca Black posted this video to YouTube a while ago. Recently, a church in Chicago did a parody of it to advertise their Easter church service. One of the angles I am exploring for my book "Theology of the Broken Brain" is the response to creativity and inclusion of secular art in church. I'd like your input. Here's the videos side by side. Please answer the following poll honestly and comment back as to why you responded the way you did. The more answers the better so please pass the site on to your friends.

Thanks again :-)

An exploration of Grace

Hey guys,

thanks for all the feedback so far. It's really giving me food for thought. I'm starting to get an idea of what I want Theology of a Broken Brain to explore. I still don't know exactly what it will say, but I am starting to see it come together. I need some direction if you guys don't mind and this is open to anyone reading this, regardless of whether I know you or not.

I've made a list of the major questions that I have either asked myself or been asked by others since I found out about my brain being so different. I am going to use it as a study guide over the next few weeks to guide my spiritual journey. I am looking for exactly what Scripture says about these things. I have opinions about what commentaries say and so I'm looking for primary source material right now, directly from scripture. Once I have the scriptures collected, then I'll explore the commentaries while I formulate answers.

I've posted my questionnaire so you can use it too. If you have some time and could give me some scriptures to look at for each of the questions, that would be greatly appreciated. I'll be using this with my spiritual director to find what God is trying to say to me and others with mental disorders.

When suggesting scriptures, please keep in mind, I am trying to have the overall theme in the book focus on God's ultimate grace. I will have heavy influence of things like Psalm 139 that God created us and so knows what we are like. The Ultimate Sacrifice and the penatly already being paid is another thing I will focus on. People with mental disorders frequently suffer from issues like self loathing, overpunishment and feelings of abandonment. I don't want to coddle these feelings, but instead speak to them from a loving standpoint. I hope to introduce people suffering from these issues to the God who doats on them and can forget about the things in their past. I also hope to fend off judgment of those who would say that we just aren't trying hard enough. I'll probably spend some time on the difference between lying and not understanding the truth as well.

Even if you don't agree with the standpoint I am taking, your time and input would be greatly appreciated. This is a spiritual learning exercise for me as well so I don't want to presume to know exactly what the answers are. The research for the book is teaching me at the same time as I am trying to communicate my thoughts. Also, even if you don't think you know much about the topic, even if you are a new Christian yourself. I believe strongly in the influence of the Holy Spirit so please give me whatever input you can. Many thanks.

You can either respond by posting in the comment section or email the responses to ldutz@godishere.com. Please include the word questionnaire in the subject so I know what it is about and don't garbage it right away.

Questionnaire


1. What does it mean to be a Christian?

2. What are the minimum requirements to call one’s self a Christian?

3. What spiritual disciplines are “strongly recommended” and why?

4. What disciplines fall more under “take it or leave it”?

5. What does a week in the life of a dedicated Christian look like? How much of this is required and how much is recommended?

6. What are the “no-no”s that will keep us from God?

7. Are Christians capable of sinning? If so, what do we consider a sin since we are already forgiven?

8. What role does attention play in faith? Does God care if we think about something else while we are praying?

9. What does the Bible say about emotions? Does it address what to do when a person’s body isn’t cooperating and they physically can’t control their emotions?

10. Is it sinful to be easily excitable?

11. Is Church as we know it a requirement of faith? If so, where is it commanded in scripture? If not, why is church attendance so important to so many people?

Song Lyrics that connect with me

In His Presence - Sandi Patti
An ever open door
to know our saviour more
in the presence of our Lord

Oh Lord, You're Beautiful
Oh Lord, Your'e beautiful.
Your face is all I seek.
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.

Filed for later

So a lot of my writing changed when I saw the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman. The poem means a lot to me. I have had it on my blog for a while now and I think I can file it for later. I still want it here for reference, but don't think it needs to be on my main page anymore. Gotta love it when life moves, eh?

My inspiration - Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Thoughts while researching

So I need to figure out how I want to approach Theology of a Broken Brain. The other two books are practically writing themselves. There's a reason there are so many volumes printed on theology in general, let alone the specifics. At bible study tonight we read Galations 5:16-22 and I thought that was what I wanted to talk about in Theology of the Broken Brain as alot of the sins of the flesh are things people with attention and learning disorders struggle with. Problem is, when I try to explain it, it quickly becomes do this, do this, do this, do that.

Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.

Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.

I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.

I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?

Thanks for listening