The next step on my journey

God asked something of me this week. He has been asking for a long time that I learn to wait. I tend to practice what I like to call active waiting. I can only wait because I busy myself with so many other things that I can't think about the thing I am waiting for.

A while ago, God asked me to wait for what He is going to do in our church. This week He upped the ante. I am not only to wait, but to do it in the throne room with Him. No action, just waiting. I had hoped I could come to the throne room, put my face on the floor and think about the character of God or picture what I hoped God would do in our church, but He has asked me to listen to Him without thinking about anything else or needing Him to say anything. It's really hard to explain.

Either way, I have been terrified of submitting because I have been stretched a lot lately. I realized that the people who love me the most have shown me how they feel by trying to "sharpen" me. They have given me constant "constructive criticism" to help me change into a better person. They speak more about what needs to be different about me than enjoying exactly who I am right now.

I appreciate where they are coming from and what they are doing, but the strange thing is it means I don't get it when my husband just wants to like me for who I am. This translates into my relationship with God as well. I am scared to enter the throne room because God has already done a lot of things in my life. I don't want to be exactly the same person for the rest of my life, but it's nice to take a break from change.

For this reason, when God asks me into the throne room, I am scared to go because He will want to change me again. He has reassured me this time that this isn't the case. He just wants to spend time with me, His child. It's kind of like when I go to see my daughter. I don't go to tell her how to change. I go to appreciate the person she is becoming.

After I met with my spiritual director yesterday, I felt safe enough to obey. As soon as I got home I looked around at boxes that needed to be unpacked, dishes that needed to be done and laundry that needed tending and decided to stop making excuses. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know He only wants what is best for me. If He is asking me into the throne room, there is a good reason, even if I don't know what it is.

So I went. I went exhausted and pensive. Wishing I could just rest and frustrated at having to meet my Father, I entered the throne room. I felt like a child who had to put away their video game to come to the dinner table at first. I didn't realize what a privilege this was. After a moment in the presence of the King of Kings, I was humbled. I wasn't just humbled because He was the King. I was humbled because with the attitude I came with, He had every reason to discipline me. He could have thrown me out of His presence. Instead, He said "come sit with me. Rest a moment." I sat with my Lord and berated myself because I was drifting off. I was so tired and exhausted I couldn't even have a conversation with my King.

Have I mentioned that my God is gracious? When I can no longer function, He is there. His Spirit spoke to my soul and said "I know how tired you are. I didn't ask you here to do something. I asked you here so I could spend time with you. As you long to watch your child sleep, so I long to see you rest."

I fell asleep in the presence of the Creator of everything. He reminded me to come boldly to the throne of grace to receive mercy and grace and then said sleep. I haven't had such a restful sleep in a very long time.

Jesus loves me. He wants me to draw near to Him when I am in need. When my soul aches and I don't understand, He doesn't say to jump through a bunch of hoops then He will fix everything. He said "Come to Me all you who are weary and I wil give you rest for your soul." My saviour, as always, kept His promise to me.