Stability

So the biggest fear I have had for most of my life is stability. We moved around quite a bit when I was little, and when we had stopped moving around I took every opportunity I could to create chaos in my life. I finally saw this week why I can't live with that habit anymore.

I realized just how much work it takes to be strong for someone who is suffering. You actually have to think about things. My husband's younger brother died last week and he needed to be with his family. I am in a place right now where I don't want him to be frustrated with me when he needs to be thinking about other things. I was allowed to take lots of time off to be with my husband during this and if I had used it, I probably would have found an excuse to be a weeping puddle of mud in the corner that he had to attend to. I decided not to do that.

I took as little time off work as possible because if you take too much, you have to restart the training process. The sooner I finish training, the sooner I can start working normal shifts as well as take on overtime so we can get out of debt. When I did get home from the funeral, I realized how much slack Rich has been cutting me when it comes to cleaning up after myself and not overspending and dealing with my dad.

Let me reiterate that I am married to the indisputable greatest man in the world. He is patient and kind and gently nudges me to strive to be a better person. The thing is, when my husband says I need to be a better person, he says it with so much love in his voice that I want to be better because that's what he deserves.

Sorry about that little tangent. So, stability. I subconsciously don't do the things I have to because in the bottom reaches of my heart, I am afraid people won't notice me anymore or appreciate my uniqueness. If I stop having mental breakdowns on a regular basis, who is going to notice me? I will blend into the background and no one will be affected by anything I do, because how could they be affected when they can't see it. At least, that's the way my brain says it will be.

The thing is, people would probably take more notice of me if I started keeping it together. There are some extraordinary things about me that just can't be ignored. These things are actually being outshown by the disorganization and lack of emotional maturity that I express.

I guess something I really struggle with is that I want the freedom I had when I was in school to make mistakes. As long as I am still a kid, I'm allowed to do stupid things. People will let things go because "I was just learning". I'm afraid that if I successfully move my life into a place where I have stability, I will have to be perfect. Adults don't make mistakes do they? An adult would never pull an April Fool's Day joke on their pastor in the middle of a service. An adult would never spend every penny they make before they've paid their bills. I hope you can hear the sheer stupidity of these statements.

I have grown up in a house where I have never been good enough. I had to do it perfectly or I shouldn't do it at all. I would try to help my dad by cleaning the car and rather than get excited about the fact that I wanted to help, he criticized the places where I had left dirt behind. Didn't even acknowledge the fact that I had spent 3 full days working on the project. Didn't say thank you for taking the seats out and vaccuming under them. Just got upset because I hadn't done the job perfectly.

This is the plight of the perfectionist's child. Perfectionism breeds perfectionism. Until I fully accept that I will make mistakes in my lifetime, I will never succeed at stability. I am always stirring chaos into the mix, because if there was no way for me to succeed from the getgo, I don't need to freak out WHEN I fail. I need to start thinking in ifs. IF I fail it is okay. IF something goes wrong, I can handle it. I also need to realize that I don't have to assume that the if will happen.

See, I tell all of my friends to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I think I do this a little bit, but not enough. I have a picture of what the best is in my head, but I constantly tell myself that I can't achieve it. I'm tired of living like this. I want to plan for good things and have them happen. It's funny, though, cause I can hear my mother in law Bonnie saying "Then don't make such a big deal about it. Just do it." I find it kind of frustrating that the simplest answers in life can be the hardest to actually do. I have to say that I did some good things since I got home and I feel really good about them.

My bedroom was a disaster when I left for Moose Jaw. I used the excuse that I didn't have time to clean it, but that wasn't true. I couldn't find a reason to do it. I also thought if I do it now, I would be expected to do it all the time and I didn't know if I would be able to clean my room every day. I better not attempt something if I might make a mistake someday. Yeah Right.

So I came home and cleaned my room. All of it. I didn't stop because most of the clothes were picked up or I didn't know whether to keep a piece of paper, I cleaned it, but I didn't go nuts. I didn't have to have the perfect place for everything. I have a stack of papers on top of my computer that I don't know exactly what I'll do with, but I'm sure I'll find something to do with them. I'm really proud of that cause I used to think if I did something, I had to do it all the way. No stopping, just get it all done. That's a lot of pressure to puton yourself. Obviously with such a high standard you're going to fail and the only person who will catch me is my wonderful husband and God. I think they need a vacation for a while. We'll see how this goes. It'll be interesting to see how long I can keep my room clean.