The Cadence

What do you do when without any intervention from you, the song that has always been your life begins coming to a close? You begin to hear the harmonies drawing to a cadence before you have even reached the what you thought the climax would be. The harmonies begin to disfigure and the song you thought your life would write is a completely different genre than you thought it would be. I spent my childhood working diligently on my music to get better, to achieve my dream of being a concert pianist. Music was the only thing I was ever recognized for as unique. The honours grades in piano came seemingly effortlessly. I had to work on the piano and practice to get the grades I did, but it was like the world was at peace when I was doing it. If I focused on something else, it didn't work. Somewhere along the way, I grew tired of other people expecting me to finish my music. I had never done anything else that people noticed so I was afraid that if I quit music, I would fall into the background. Something shifted about 5 years ago. I can't put my finger on it, but the world is only right when I am playing music with my closest friends in a band.It happens so rarely that I forget, but I know what I am to do with my music, I have to accept that I am not supposed to do it the way I thought. I thought I would do my music degree and start studying jazz and become this world class piano player, but I was never wired to entertain. I entertain in that I provide the meal and the space that brings people together, but I don't live my life to make people laugh and feel the need to put a smile on peoples' faces. I was made to love. Sometimes a smile is not what is needed. Sometimes you need a place where it is okay to hurt and take time to heal, but if you smile while that's happening that's okay too. I was created to facilitate that process. God doesn't want me to go out and find people who are hurting and fill my life with fixing their problems. He wants me to exist. To create a haven of love for me, my husband, my friends and my family where we all feel loved and accepted and as people come into that haven, they too will begin to heal from their journey. I don't ned school to do that. It comes naturally. Every breath I take is devoted to making it a little easier for someone to take just one more breath. I could workuntil my fingers bleed to become the best pianist ever and it's not going to make a difference in the long run. I have known mycalling since I was very young. I love the lost. When I stand before God on the day of judgement, he is not going to ask me how many concerts I played. He is going to ask me how many hearts I helped to heal as that is his calling on my life. It's hard to abandon the one thing you have thought to be your calling forever. It's funny cause God didn't tell me my real calling, I just knew what it was and did it right from the time I was about 5 years old. I was the Grade 2 kid who beat up grade sixes for picking on the deaf kids in our school. I was the one who gave up my sandwich for the kid who forgot their lunch. I was the one who looked out for girls at risk for becoming prostitutes. I was the one who accepted the utterly broken and destitute when they had nothing to give and tried desperately to show them how much they really had. These are the things I do every day without batting an eyelash. When music is so difficult and the path to being a musician takes away the energy I use to love people, does it make senseto continue? I don't think so. The question is what about hte work I have already invested? What abou the tens of thousands of dollars I have invested in becoming a musician? What about the expectations people had for me to become a musician? I can't continue to chase a dream to fulfill someone else's expectations. I will end up withered and broken and unable to fulfill my true calling. As for the investment, I don't think it has been for naught. When I was a teenager, the music was what got me through. I went back to my music when I was hurting the most and it gave me the strength to push through some of the toughest experiences of my life. Without the music, I wouldn't have survived growing up. Without the music degree, I wouldn't have been pushed to really come to understand myself and my expectations and dreams. The true knowledge of self I have been granted over the past few years would not have come if I hadn't started my degree and chased this dream. I have been pushed to know my boundaries and know myself. I have been pushed to seek out God's real calling on my life and figure out what he wants me to do with it. God has provided me a stable job that I am extremely good at and a house that has plenty of room for both friends and family. We can help out those who are hurting and need a retreat as well as begin to raise a family and teach them what it means to truly love. I can continue to use my talents at church in a way thatwill glorify God and bring people together. I don't want to be a worship leader. It's extremely uncomfortable being in front of people in somewhat unpredictable situations. I can sing in the choir or possiblyplay for the band, but I don't need a degree to do it. The degree is not what makes me smart enough to do my job. The degree equips me to excel in a leadership position which at this point I am not interested in. I am struggling because when I started at Rocky, I seriously thought God was calling me tobe an evangelist and music pastor. I now question that. Maybe he had to call me to that to get me to start working on the things I have worked on this year. Maybe I had to answer that calling so I could get to the place of broken trust in his providence. Maybe our calling changes from time to time. So do I quit in the middle and just hang up my boots and leave, or do I fight to the bitter end and try desperately to make something out of something I'm not really interested in. I have paid good money for these courses, but I am going to fail them anyways because of my commitment to work. I won't be able to work through this one alone.