An update in the kitchen

If you haven't read My House God's House yet, please do so before continuing as this may not make any sense if you haven't

http://fellclutchofcircumstance.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-house-gods-house.html

So after meeting with my spiritual director last week, I finally have a little more understanding of the kitchen. Oddly enough, it has nothing to with eating, friendship, fellowship or creating. It has everything to do with being here and waiting. Getting used to the season of today. I tried to go to the healing room last week and God brought me back. He gently reminded me as I tried to leave that I am to be in the kitchen waiting. I am not held against my will. I want to be here. I can leave if I want...and that is the key. Remember a few months ago I was ranting about how much I hate PMS? I hate it because I become a different person when I am PMSing. I am just more sensitive to it than other people so it feels like I become a terrible person, but really it's just that I get in a bad mood. In my head, I have to be in a good mood when I am in the House or in the presence of other people for that matter. When I am in a bad mood, I think nasty thoughts about people like getting frustrated with the girl that sits in front of me because she swears all the time about things that don't really matter or getting selfish and not understanding why my husband won't spend every second thinking of me and anticipating every need I am going to have. I like myself. I am kind, understanding and gentle. I try my best to love people the way God loves them (sometimes needing a second attempt). For the most part, I am pretty cool...for 2 weeks out of the month. My PMS is long and severe and causes a rift between me and God that is only there in my head. The waiting in the kitchen is about Him wanting me to still be here when I am PMSing. That side of me, no matter how undesirable, is still a part of me. Even though I don't like the way I react to people half of the month, God wants me to stay in the House anyway. In the past, as soon as I started feeling it, I left the House. I didn't want God to know that that side of me existed (yeah I know. Psalm 139). The journey over the last few years has been long but sweet. I have learned that not only does God love me, but I can love me too. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can walk into a room of strangers and given enough time, you will click with someone. I think what we are working on now is being okay with who I am no matter what. First I had to come to terms with my capacity to love, now I have to come to terms with my capacity to love me. I'm actually kind of scared this month. I don't want God to see how jealous and mean I can get. Even though I know in my head that he sees everything, a part of me still thinks he won't see it if I leave the House. I have always just left the House and the throne room when I don't consider myself worthy to be there. The kitchen is about Him wanting me to stand before Him as I am. I am not answering for anything, I am just supposed to stand here and be. Be myself, be His child and be loved. The kitchen is uncomfortable for me. There is so much I could be doing here. I could prepare a meal for friends, I could nourish myself, I could cook with the King, but instead, I am to stand here and be loved by the King. Still not liking it too much. God give me the grace to learn this lesson. Show me how to love myself even when it is hard so I can then do the same with other people.