The Second Hardest Thing I've Ever Had to Do

So in my life there is only one thing that will reign eternal as the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That is to give my daughter up for adoption. I am about to come a close second to that one.

I attend a church where God is moving in everyone's lives. He may not be growing the numbers, but each and every person is experiencing God in a new way. I have been privileged to be a part of this group and have everyone in the congregation speaking into my life over the last 9 months. The wisdom of my elders has helped me to learn from some very serious mistakes. They have begun to breed in me humility and submission, two things I have struggled against for most of my life.

My arrogance took me to a very bad place in the last year. I am a very wild spirit and difficult for anyone to control, much less guide successfully. I don't think the supervisor's of my practicum realized this when we started. I showed signs of very deep issues that would take constant one on one mentoring to heal. There was no one in the church who could commit the time needed to do this and I didn't have the money to hire a psychologist.

I ended up in a very arrogant and lonely place. A place where I don't think even God wanted to be. when I looked up from all of the plans I was making, I realized God wasn't there. He was still at home in my heart, but He wasn't answering the door.

Since then, I have sat down and wept like the Israelites at the rivers of Babylon. I have wept for my sinfulness and my offense against God. I have been frustrated by the possibility that I could make such a huge mistake.

Like the child who just realized she broke her mother's favorite vase, I started "behaving" myself in hopes that God could turn the other cheek. I wanted to stay with these people I have come to love and who have come to love me in return. It is a safe place and I didn't want to go out among the wolves again.

I hoped that God would let me stay, but we must give up the things we love to follow God. He will ask of us things that we don't want to do. They will still feel like the right thing to do, but they won't necessarily be the easy road. He has finally let me know in no uncertain terms that He knows about the vase.

Like a loving Father, he doesn't come with violence and frustration. His steadfast, loving hand supports me even as it disciplines me. God has shown me my mistakes, but He has also shown me what He loves about me. He has not exalted me, but He has consoled me. I know that I am in His arms.

It is from this place that I am to venture out. I have to leave the little church that has become my home. I have to say goodbye to the people who have found it in their hearts to forgive me. God has asked me to go to another church. One that can handle the trauma that I am trying to overcome. One that can help me ask God to give me the freedom I seek. One that can show me who Jesus really is and how He wants to be in my life.

I have been in such a place before, but it is nowhere close to home, so I can't return right now. If God brings me back there sometime in the future, I may consider it. For now, I have to find a church where I live. I'm scared of getting to know people again. There is always the fear that people won't understand me or that I may not represent myself the way I want to. I guess I have to trust that to God. It's easier said than done, but I guess God only shows us our weakness so we will rely on Him for everything.