Why does church exist?

I asked myself why church exists 2 weeks ago. Not because I think its a bad thing. Just because I asked myself what I would say if someone asked my why I go to church. Its a question that has been floating around in the back of my brain trying to get answered. I started by asking why I go to church and then asked myself how many of those reasons can help to answer why other people go to church. I tried to think of it in context of why people started going to church in the beginning and why they have continued for so many centuries. First, why I go to church.

I first started going to church because Dad took me. Me and my brother both went until my brother was 12. I was 10 at that time and my brother had tried to get out of it for years. Something about church resonated with me. It's only now that I have identified within myself a sensitivity to the spiritual realm and that sensitivity has made me seek my creator at every step of my life. There was never a question of if I was created, just a question of who created me. The precepts in the bible have always resonated with me and I keep coming back to it and Christianity as the real answer.

Don't get me wrong, I tried other things. As a teenager, I participated in Wiccan rites and Satanic rituals. There is an Occult movement in Calgary that a lot of Christians are afraid to acknowledge, but it reminds me constantly that the Spiritual War we are called to wage is real and current. Every choice we make, every relationship we nurture sways the balance one direction or the other. I am hoping my actions generally sway it in the right direction.

Sorry, rabbit trail. Sometimes they're necessary. So church. The sensitivity to the spirit that I have always felt has made me question what I believe constantly. I will be honest. At some points, I have nearly talked myself out of the idea of church. It was a scary place for me when I returned. As a teenager I still acknowledged God as creator and the choices I was making were not an intentional insult to him, they were just the poor decisions of a teenager reaching out. (If you don't know my testimony, click here to read it, but be forewarned, it's a little graphic). I took part in the occult activity to see if the spiritual calling I had always felt would be satisfied in those worlds. Needless to say they weren't. In fact, the rites I participated in just made me more convinced that what I learned in the bible was true and I needed to get to know God a little more. Once my life was on the right path, I decided church is good, I just have to find the right church that does it the right way.

I had a very legalistic mind set at that point (it was necessary to turn my life around). It was always the right way or the highway for me. I didn't realize at the time that the "right" way was actually my way. Fortunately, I serve a gracious God and he has forgiven me for that. Slowly, the right counsellors in my life made me realize that my way isn't always the right way and its okay to be wrong. Granted it took them 8 years to teach me that and I still forget it sometimes, but I think I have the general principle down.

I went back to church when I was 18 with a genuine desire to find God. The first church I went to was full of people truly and honestly chasing after God. The worship was genuine, the people were honest and the preacher didn't preach as if he knew everything (that's a good thing). There were some significant things that happened to the people in leadership at that church all at the same time and slowly, the church started to dwindle. I could see what was happening and that was where this question of why do I go to church began. We started thinking about what a church should have. Sometimes it was people our age, sometimes it was established programs, sometimes it was people we knew, sometimes it was a preacher who really seemed to know God. We searched scripture for the rules of what a good church was and never really found an answer. Now I know why, but that's for later.

The last church I went to before the one I attend now was a very big learning experience for me personally, emotionally and spiritually. I was the intern worship leader and they were supposed to be teaching me how to do it, but things didn't go well. I won't give you the details, but I ended up very hurt and questioned whether people who ran churches really cared about God and his mission at all. Each leader didn't seem to pray to find out what God wanted the church to do and everyone had different ideas. Some thought it should become a modern, seeker-driven worship center, some thought it should revert to a hymn singing traditional church and others thought it needed to become a jumping off point for some kind of community outreach. The fighting and indecision made me wonder if they were really following God at all. They weren't the first spiritual leaders that didn't seem to care and so I wondered whether church was a good thing at all.

The last 4 years of my life have been spent worshipping with the officers and congregation of the Glenmore Temple of the Salvation Army. They have really shown me why church exists and taught me why Christians should go to church. The bible doesn't say anywhere "Thou shalt go to church every Sunday without fail". The bible doesn't really tell us how we should do church. The bible tells us that we should fellowship with other believers. It also gives us a lot of information on how to act as people generally. In addition it says to be aware because the devil is prowling like a lion trying to take us down. Putting all of these together, this is what I have put together as my reason for going to church.

Fellowship with believers makes us feel accepted. It shows us that other people in the world believe the same things we do and therefore it is okay for us to believe. It gives us a place where we can talk about things that an unbelieving world labels as crazy or delussional without being afraid of what the people around us think. This also gives us trustworthy people to help us guard against heresy

Church also gives those who come from unbelieving families and countries a place of support, Ccnnecting them with others who also believe. Would you rather have your children babysat by someone who might read scripture to them as a bedtime story or try to invite their significant other over and have a makeout session with them? When the people in our lives reflect the beliefs we carry, our families are more likely to accept our beliefs as true (this is also a good thing. See my post on "Is indoctrination really a bad word?").

There is quite a conversation about what worship is. Is worship only the time we spend Sunday mornings singing songs to God and listening to a preacher or does it have something to do with the rest of our lives? Some say they go to church to worship God and to meet God. Well, I don't know about you, but Christ has taken residence in my heart since I was saved and so goes with me everywhere I go. I chat with him regularly. Im on the bus and someone comes to mind that I am having trouble understanding, I'm not afraid to say "Hey Jesus, what do you think I should do?" Frequently he brings to mind people in the bible and how they dealt with similar issues or gives me the scripture verse that tells me the answer. No I'm not hearing voices or anything of the like, I just know that my Saviour is real and listens when I call on him. According to that, I don't have to go to church to talk to him.

My own personal opinion about worship is that it takes place with everything we do. Waking up in the morning, eating breakfast, being on time for work, treating my clients with kindness, generosity and respect. They all are acts of worship. Anything that will allow God's light to shine in a dark world is an act of worship. Therefore, I don't have to go to church to worship.

There is one reflection of worship though that is better at church. The songs we sing, the prayers we say, the verses we read, the sermons we hear, they are all things an unbelieving world doesn't understand. They are sanctified and mean something very special to those of us that understand true communion with God. When we try to force ourselves to use these tools outside of a Christian circle, we sometimes give Satan a foothold to interrupt the work God wants to do. (Don't get me wrong. I am not saying we shouldn't bring these things outside the church. I am speaking specifically about the people NOT gifted in evangelism and teaching. The fear of what other people think of them can be truly crippling and dispel any communion that would otherwise happen). In these situations, we can easily become self conscious and distracted. Church gives people like that a place where they can leave the self consciousness at the door, put down the fear of doing the wrong thing and enter a kind of communion with God that otherwise might be tainted or, God-forbid, not even happen.

St. Teresa of Avila and St. John of the Cross both refer to the place we enter in these times of intentional worship as consolations. They are sweet consolations bestowed on us by our Beloved in times where we choose to be intimate with Him. It is these consolations that inspire us to maintain our faith even though the world pushes us to deny it.

To sum it up, the early church fathers saw the real life evidence of the parable of the sower. They saw that people on their own would struggle in their faith, would question it's truth and would be more likely to live a life that wasn't seasoned with salt and exuding the light that God shines through us. The reason they started churches back then was because they knew only in a place of true grace and acceptance could we really experience the sweet consolations God has for us and that those are the fuel of our faith. Church has taken different forms for different cultures and different generations, but ultimately, it serves exactly the same purpose. It gives us a place to come with wreckless abandon to the throne room of God, prostrate ourselves before him and express exactly what we really feel to our Creator, Saviour, Healer and Friend.

It is only now after a 10 year journey that I have seen the truth, but I know in the depth of my heart that it's what God is trying to teach me. It is being confirmed in every conversation I have and even by what my pastor preaches. He preached on the place of doubt in church and that it actually is not detrimental, in fact it has a very important place. He said not to let doubt make you stop coming to church. He said make sure you continue to go to church through your doubts. He said bring your doubts and voice them. Not accusingly, but honestly and sincerely. Basically he said, bring yourself as you are and as God has you now to this place of worship, realize that you are truly accepted even if you have doubts and use the experience and wisdom of the people there to help you get through those doubts. Let them pray for you to find the truth for yourself. Let them show you that they are God's people and whatever you are doubting is what God wants you to learn. My pastor may not have used the same words, but that's basically what I heard.

For those of you that read regularly but don't attend my church, sometimes there are things that are posted here that relate to the sermon or something in the service specifically that you weren't there to experience. My church records their sermons on CD so I asked if I could post it here. They seemed receptive to the idea, but still want to run it by the leadership, so I hope to soon have a link list to the recent sermons by date. Also, if I can work it out, I'll post it as a video so you can see the powerpoint presentations and words to the music as well. I'll keep you posted.

Gracefully yours
Leah

How I became an Ojibwa

I am so sorry to those who have been waiting breath abaited for this. I don't get much time to write during the week and had a lot of house work to catch up on last weekend (which we actually succeeded at doing).

So as some of you already know, my Grandad passed away this month. I am not sad that he is gone, although I think often about how many times he snuck me bubble gum when I was growing up. He was very sick and in alot of pain. It had started a few years ago with a stroke and went downhill from there. He had a habit of telling it like it was, or at least the way he saw it and really there was no other way. I haven't really spent time with him in about 15 years. I always told myself I would get there next year. I guess next year finally came. Note to self, don't do that again.

So Grandad's funeral actually posed a bit of a spiritual challenge for me. Grandad wasn't a Christian. He wasn't one of those wishy washy people that just say "I don't know what's out there". He vocally stood up to say he didn't believe in the bible and he didn't believe in religion. He didn't understand why I felt the need to go to church every week. My grandma confided in me once that he had told her if she wanted to read her bible and pray, she was welcome to do so, but it should happen in the privacy of her own bedroom when there was no one else around. My evangelistic spirit told me as soon as he passed away "it's too late". The thought of where he is now both terrifies me and makes me question what I consider true. It's with this in mind that I attended his funeral.

It was a short, simple service. He was a veteran so there was a service chaplain there and an honour guard. 18 men and women came from around BC to honour his passing. My grandma was surprised there were that many. He was buried to the sound of bagpipes. He was a scotchman through and through. Though he had no accent, you never doubted his heritage.

My Grandma told me after the service that a young man from the community was coming over that evening "to do something I've never done before". It turned out, that young man was an Ojibwa medicine man. If I remember correctly, his name was Wapsimahea. I could have it completely wrong though. He went by Solomon. I found that kind of ironic.

The ceremony he was doing was to honour my grandad. You see, grandad was an active part of the legion where they live. He took part in a candlelight ceremony every Rememberance Day in the local cemetary to commemorate the fallen soldiers and veterans that had passed. The Ojibwa believe that warriors are very important. They mean a lot in their culture. To be called a warrior is to be greatly honoured. Solomon had helped Grandad with this ceremony every year for a long time. Solomon said he had come to love Grandad very much. Because of this, his tribe had agreed to honour Grandad with an Eagle's feather. Usually it would have been hand beaded by one of the people in the tribe before the ceremony, but Solomon's mother wanted the priviledge of beading Grandad's feather and she was away so she would bead it later.

While Solomon was performing this ceremony, he explained some things about the Ojibwa beliefs. How they come into the world in the East and leave the world in the West. Sunset means a great deal to them. He also explained that They believe they come from the creator in the spirit world and are commisioned with caring for mother earth while they are here. He explained a whole lot of things about their theology that I don't think I can explain correctly to someone else. What I will say about it though is that it sounded very similar to the theology of Christians, even though it was missing the acceptance of Christ.

It got me thinking about the origins of the religions. Christianity started thousands of years ago before there was a global economy and internet. Before we even knew the world was round, let alone that other people existed there. The same is true of Ojibwa. It started when there was nothing but indians on what they call "Turtle Island" (North America). So is it possible then that God came to them like he came to the Jews and helped them understand him in their own terms? Is it possible that we actually worship the same God? Nothing Solomon told me about in the ceremony was counter scriptural, except that it was directed at Solomon's God. They call their God "Creator" so technically that's still not against scripture. I'm starting to research what God says about other religions, how the Ojibwa connect with their creator and what that means to what I've been taught. It's also making me revisit my beliefs on heaven and hell. I pray to God every night that Grandad isn't burning in eternal fire but have to hope that somewhere, somehow someone told him the truth and that he accepted it, even if he didn't tell other people about it. I guess that's the advantage to worshipping a God that knows our inmost thoughts and feelings.

The how I became an Ojibwa thing is that Solomon told us during the feather ceremony that when a rite like this is performed on someone outside the tribe, that person is now family. Family to the Ojibwa doesn't stop at blood lines. It is anyone that has taken part in things like this.

So now you know how I became an Ojibwa.

In Jesus Name

So you'd think with what I believe, I would be completely in support of this phrase. In reality, I despise it. The phrase says "I don't have the capacity to love that person, so I'm going to do it in Jesus name". It almost releases us from the responsibility of changing who we are to become the people God made us to be.

I was talking to someone about a close friend I am worried about and they said at the end of the conversation "You just need to keep loving them in Jesus name". What if I want to love them in my name? Are they really so unlovable that I cannot out of my own strength love them? I think not. Just because I am not saying I am loving them in Jesus name, doesn't mean Jesus doesn't love them. I dont have to love them in Jesusname because God created the capacity in me to love regardless of the circumstances. It is not perfect, I judge and criticize and become selfish sometimes, but ultimately I am able to love that person. It really has gotten me thinking about the phrase and why it is used. Really put me off.

Sorry for the rant, but it was bugging me.

A Breaking Heart

I am not naming any names here. You will know who you are. I don't want you to feel attacked or pressured. I love you very much and my life without you would mean much less, but I feel like I have to ask. You are a friend who was once a dear friend of God. He spoke through you numerous times before and whether you agree or not, he still does. Your search for God seems to have ended and not in the place I would have expected. I am not afraid for you for you have made your choices and I accept you as you are, but I try to imagine my life without the hope and confidence God gives it and my heart breaks. My strength comes from God so without him, I don't know how you carry your burdens. My joy comes from him so I don't know how you smile. My hope comes from his promise that he has plans for me. Plans for a hope and a future. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I don't know how you find a reason to go on. You haven't said exactly that you aren't a Christian or you don't believe in God anymore, but what I read and our conversations leave me wondering where you are. Our relationship is fragile so I don't want to push you away since I love you very dearly, but I need to know where you are at so I can temper my conversations and expressions accordingly. I am unsure because there are still conditions you place on certain situations that reflect Christian values. So maybe I have misunderstood (as always). I hope you don't feel attacked and I hope you understand why I couldn't ask you in person. I also hope we can havea girl day soon.

Due Warning

FYI guys, I wasn't posting for a long time because someone said my posts are always long winded. It takes too long for me to make them more concise. When I blog, I tend to just sit down and write whatever's in my brain and that's a lot lately. I said when I started this blog I am not apologizing for who I am so I'm not going to start now. Just be aware that reading my blog could take a while. Especially while I get the core ideas out :-)

Click

And no I don't' mean the cheap alternative to SPAM.

I had a moment on Sunday. My Saviour met me. Or should I say I met my Saviour? Who knows. Either way, I was face to face with Christ...Finally. I have been struggling with surrender lately. It is a concept I have always talked about but rarely been able to do. To completely let God take over the things that challenge me is extremely hard. Can he really handle it? Will he do what's right for me?

He can and He will. It was scary there for a while. I started thinking this was a God who couldn't get me. If I am such a unique human being and everything is made for everyone else, how could he understand? I didn't see the answers to my prayers and I was thinking he didn't answer them. It challenged everything about what I believe. I thought he could move mountains and cared about everything I prayed for?

A couple of months ago, I decided to take a leap. After a conversation with my spiritual director, I started trying to lay everything down. Its not simple. You don't just tell your fingers "Let Go". I have to say let go and fifteen minutes later ask myself why I'm holding it again. I decided that I would tell myself a new story when people hurt me. No longer would I say "they're out to damage me" or "they'll never understand". I started trying to catch myself and say "they made a mistake" or "they understand me a little more now". It has taken a long time, but now my manager speaks to me with respect. He comes to me for input because he values it. My coworkers no longer fear teasing me (a little cause I still get caught off guard and they are trying not to hurt my feelings again). My husband doesn't get scared when I'm not happy. He knows it will pass.

I keep coming back to the song I started writing last year. Being that I am back in school now, I am surrounded by music and musicians and I have naturally started creating again. I think I will try to finish it by next year. Might have also turned itself into the start of a musical. I don't know exactly what about yet, but I could totally see it in Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat.

The song was called "Surrender" and went like this:

Here I stand on the precipice
The altar calling from the canyon floor below
THe still Dark Night has ended
And it's a long way home

I long to hear your voice from the Chasm
I stand here broken and empty, alone
A whisper on the wind asks me to bend a broken knee
and surrender all I've held on to

I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song

And Surrender

The journey's long and hard and I'm alone
My heartache sorrow and fear weigh me down
I turn my eyes to you to lift the load that burdens me
and seek the rest that only you can bring

I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song

And Surrender

All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I Surrender all
I surrender all
all to thee my blessed Saviour
I surrender all.


I can hear the violin solo and the part where it's just an acoustic guitar strumming, but every time I've started to try to record it, things fall apart. I think I am going to record it all myself as I learn how to play the instruments I need. Might take more than a year, but we'll see what happens.

It's hard to tell myself after so many years of "you can't do this" that I can do this and am talented. I am afraid to say things or do things sometimes that other people might think is weird but that means they never get to see the things they wouldn't think are weird.

This week's addition to my picture? I am both humble and creative. I create without even thinking and don't think my work is better than anyone else's but still accord the credit it deserves. Maybe next week I can add outgoing to the list :-)

Where I am, Who I am

So over this journey I've had trying to find myself and learn how to be me, I've had to determine where I am and who I want to be. Not who I want to turn into, but who I want to be right now. It's harder than I thought it would be. Do I define myself by what I do or by what people would say about me? Maybe I am defined by what I say about me. Where does God fit into all this? It started an interesting conversation.

The question is how does God fit into my new life? I am nothing like other people. The things I enjoy and hate aren't the same as most people. For other people, being fidgety and forgetting birthdays and anniversaries is a mark of not caring. For me, its a fact of life. Instead of using it as an excuse though, I am trying to do things to remind myself. Its hard, but I'm starting.

This all made me look at my relationship with church. That's where I used to experience God the most. Now, I haven't consistently attended for a year. Rich has made the comment that when I go to church, I have a better week, but I still have issues. I get frustrated with myself because I can't concentrate on the sermon, announcements or kids time. I feel like it is an insult to God to go into his house and not pay attention to him. Slowly I've been trying to accept that God knows my inner workings and understands, but I still can't get past the feeling that I offend him. Problem is, then I just don't go to church for weeks on end. Something tells me that's more of an insult than going and not paying attention.

I've thought about getting more involved in the services, but most churches require you to at least pretend to have a deep satisfying relationship with God before being involved in anything more than choir. How would you feel if you were the pastor or music coordinator at a church and one of the congregants said "Yeah, I get bored in the services so I'd like something to do. Do you think I could be involved in the worship team?" Some small part of me just thinks that's wrong.

It doesn't mean that I don't love God or want to commune with him. It's just that I've found a way to relate to God on my own terms. I listen to the fleeting topics that catch my fancy so briefly for things God might be saying to me. If I have a Bible verse that I can't remember, I go look it up. If I all of a sudden am remembering a conversation with someone about the right and wrong things to do or who God is, I don't just move past it. I try to remember. I take a moment and ask God, "What are you trying to say to me?"

It means I don't sit down for the "required" hour every morning with a Bible and a journal and study scripture. That is torture. Instead, I try to relate every experience to what I already know of God and leave every moment open to hearing something from him. I listen constantly for the still, small voice that I became so familiar with and let God guide my moments. I still have my ugly ones, but I'm human. Hopefully both God and people are willing to forgive me for them.

Now what I'm working on is creating a picture of who I want to be now. Not who I am going to change into, but who I am. I'm sorting through the habits and ideas I have and figuring out which ones were placed there by other people (like the idea that its insulting to spend time at God's house and not pay attention to him) and which ones God started (like the fact that I'm human and precious). I'm writing a lot of journal entries and lists lately which is weird, but good and every day when I look in the mirror, I feel like I look a little bit more like me. I can't wait to see what I look like when I'm done.

Life as I know it

So as some of you may already know, life as I know it has drastically changed this year. It is nothing that anyone else would notice, but it is hugely different to me. My previous ambition to become a worship leader has waxed and waning in its place is an ambition to become myself. I have had glimpses of who I am in the past and would push to make sure pieces of myself were maintained, but I never felt like I had what I needed to truly be myself. I now have the tools I needed to explore the inner workings of me confidently and courageously. When I come on things I don't like, I am not afraid of them or defeated by them. I can move quickly past them now and stand as I am, who I am looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

The name of my blog has changed to reflect that change in my life. Everything that was here prior remains since it all has part to do with who and what I am, but myblog will have a different focus and consistency going forward. Thank you to those of you who are still waiting breath abated (or not since I don't think I deserve it) for my next post. I hope not to let you down.

The Wall

So I figured anyone who is reading this might want an update on what's been going on. It's been a really long time since my last post and a lot has happened. Last time I wrote, I was standing in the kitchen and God was working on the mess that was me. He caught me off guard and taught me that no matter how hard I try, I will still have things abgout me that I don't like and there will be some people that don't like me and that's fine. As I was standing here learning this lesson, I found out what has turned out to be one of the most significant discoveries of my entire lifetime. I have severe AD/HD. Somehow I was never tested growing up, but the specialists say they are surprised it was never caught. Most kids grow out of it but there are some of us who are left with it through adulthood. What does this mean for me? Not a huge difference but it means that I have a better chance of succeeding at the things that matter the most to me now. I started my meds a week ago and have already noticed a huge difference. I think this may solve the problems I have been having at work both with focus and breaks. It's kind of freeing even though it means I will have to be on medication probably for the rest of my life. I mean there are worse things that could happen. What does this mean for you, my friends? Well, first of all, it means I might actually remember your birthday for once. That's always been one of my biggest frustrations. My short term memory has been affected by the AD/HD so now when I think of your birthday 3 weeks before hand, I will actually be able to keep it in my brain and possibly remember to call you on your birthday. Also, it means when we talk about doing projects or getting together, there's a good chance they will get done. It will be a while before I get the ones I've already started done, but I will get there. I still don't like the idea that I'm "broken" (faulty thinking from growing up in my family) but I will get over it as soon as I start seeing the fruits of my labours. I love you all and just so you know I probably won't be posting here very often for a while. God is asking me to go back to blogging this as it was supposed to be when I started. I wanted this to be a blog of my journey towards being a worship leader. Right now, that dream is on hold while other things happen in my life. It may start up again in the fall, but for now, there will only be posts about major things that will affect me becoming a worship leader.

We're Good

There's 2 words that I absolutely love. They are my Hakuna Matata. They mean so much more when put together than what they are alone. It means "Anything you may think you have done wrong, I forgive you for" and "I may not have seen much of you recently but I still care deeply about you" and "even though you're a putz sometimes, I still love you". It means so much to me when someone says "we're good".

I'm sorry friend

I just realized that a very personal and private site was being followed publicly which means if someone went into my profile, they would be able to read that site. I had promised to keep that site a secret and because of me not understanding, I broke that promise. Hopefully no ill has come of it. I hope ou'll forgive me, friend.

And thank you. I appreciate the importance you set on my friendship. We communicate very differently so I wonder sometimes if my part in your life means anythin to you, but to have youdo what youdid and now for you to be suffering as you are because of it, I thank you. I will try to need a little less urgently. Sometimtes I ask thew rold to drop everything for me when I have no right to do so. I hope you can forgive me.

Life seasons

So God was telling me to stop and stay in the kitchen and after my last revelation, that was pretty hard. "What?! I'm not perfect? How dare you insinuate that about me!" Of course that's really not how I feel, but that's kind of my reaction. I've been standing here trying desperately to hide all of the things that I don't like about myself from the Almighty God of the universe (I know. Am I daft?) and he's been asking me to stop and admit that the only way I can overcome my personal challenges is to fully rely on him. Some of the things I have tried to hide are my tendency to use food to comfort me when I am hurting, I take out my frustrations on other people untintentionally (If I'm miserable, well then you might as well be miserable right along with me) and I give people the "right" answer and color things the way I think people want to hear them. They may not seem like major struggles, but when I'm faced witha decision regarding them, I usually regret the decision. So for the last week, I have been trying to change these habits. I have been very careful about what I am eating, I have calculated how much exercise it is going to take to lose all of the weight I've put on from overeating, and I am trying to tell the truth always. I don't want to bombard people with problems but when people ask if Richard and I are going to have kids, instead of saying "well, we've been workin gon it for a while, but it doesn't seem to be happening, I would say, we can't right now. Some day we may be able to but not right now and if people are asking for my time, rather than trying to squeeze them in in the next few weeks, when I will propbably have to cancel due to overbooking anyway, I will say you know what I care a lot about you, but I have a lot on my plate this month. I am trying to get through it so I can spend more time with family and friends. Why don't we try to make some time at the beginning of May? I can't worry about whether other people will feel rejected by me. If I am not intentionally rejecting them, I have to trust that they will hear what I really mean. If they are feeling rejected when I am not rejecting, that is something they have to deal with. It's a bit of a sour point.

So tomorrow is my first weigh in since I have started eating properly and exercising (and man am I sore) but I am hoping to be 191 lbs. or less. We will see how it goes. My goal is to be 175 by May 1. It's a really ambitious goal, but I think I can do it. I just have to take it 1 day at a time and not get overwhelmed by it being a whole month before anything happens. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

The hand of the Lord

The hand of the Lord is heavy on me. He stops me from my spastic interactions with the world. He brings me to a place of genuine worship. He sets aside all those things I think are important and brings to center the one thing that is important. Genuine, broken worship of Jesus Christ in whatever way we are lead. My heart is open here. Fearfully, I come, assuredly I stand and go. Here I remember first that nothing else matters than that only through him can I truly succeed at the other things. Lord I am blessed to be in your presence now.



He presses on me then gently carresses me. I find myself in teh palm of his hand. Reassured and comforted, he is the Father I never knew.



Have you ever listened to a really good music group? Have you seen how they listen to each other? You can see teh leader listening to the whole thang and they know what each note sounds like. A really good group needs no conductor. Theyeach can hear when it is time to swell or decay. That is how we must be with the master. If we want to make our worship into sweet music with him, then we must listen for how that worship should go. Worship does not begin with us but with God. He places the desire in us to worship and fans the flames when we are ready. All we can do is when we feelthe call to worship, to bolt for the throne room and wait. God will show us exactly what we need to know and when we need to act.

Random Rambles of a Very Lost Girl

An ever open door to know our saviour more in the presence of our Lord.

I don't want to be Hole, I don't want to be righteous. I want to live my life in the Bosom of my Father, my beloved and my friend. I don't want to be set apart by my actions. I want to be set apart because of where my heart lives. I love my Father and I don't understand how to bring my world into the throne room. I don't want to live my life setting myself apart from the world. I want to bring my God into the world, loving him and introducing him to the people around me.

A heart full of fear and uncertainty has no place in the throne room. Where is the bold faith of my youth? How can I remove the fear?. The guilt is on teh table already. The vengeance was purified. I am afraid I will hurt again or that I will return to that room and God won't be there. I see the vision he has given me, but he has not put people in my life that saw the gifts while they were growing. I know they are there, not because of my own ambitions but because whenever I have gone to the throne room, I have found it. I don't want rules and regulations. I want a relationship. I don't know what that looks like. I need this relationship to help me follow the rules that have been placed in my life.

Church should be focused on God, but that doesn't mean you can't look through each other to see him.

A Prayer of the Lost

How is it that so often I find my knees stiff again? I wish to live my life in submission to God but so many times there are so many things vying for my attention. The last time someone in a church hurt me, I separated church from God in my heart. Going to church didn't necessarily lead to the throne room so it wasn't necessary for my faith. I am not alone and I am not in the dark, but I am surrounded by darkness. I don't like it. I have made excuses for different aspects of my life not being in submission to God. I have justified it by saying that I am learning tolerance, I think it is to put away childish things again.

The things I leave on the table outside:

-My Pride
-My dreams - this one is hard. Lord, help me to set aside my dreams for now. You are not asking me to forget about them, just to wait for you to fulfill them.
-my expectations

Lord, I am afraid to be on my face again, but that is where you love me. Prostrated begins with my knees and my heart. Lord, I confess to you my fear, my pride and my anxiety. I come naked and burdened to the floor of the throne room. I leave my wants at the door. Help me to come back to you. Help me to live from the throne room. Trusting in you to renew me. Help me to see your will Lord and help me to be okay with what you don't show me.Thank you for my family. The people who already care enough to look in on me when I am troubled. Help me to reach out to them rather than try to hide. I love you and am glad you have saved me from myself. Remind me daily of the things you want from me.

Friend

I miss you. You do not include me when you talk about your friends and the people who are important to you, or at least I don't hear it. It is not until I become pushy that you think of me. You have always been so special to me and I have come to love you like a beloved family member. I have tried to be patient and supportive and to show you real love, but you don't want it for some reason. I would never abandon you, but when I call your name, you don't even look at me. How did I end up so alone?

Kitchen additions

Alright so I have been in the kitchen for 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I have usually gone to the healing room, the throne room, the terrace and back to the throne room by now. Looking back at my last post, I jumped the gun a little bit. Before you can love someone, you have to like them first. You like someone, then you love them, then its okay not to like them sometimes because you love them but you can learn to like them again. THat whole learning how to love myself is a project for another day. THe first project is to truly stand in the kitchen adn like me. My problem with the kitchen is that it is who I am right now. It is selfishness, jealousy, greed and loathing. It is the family I have grown up with and am ashamed of their inability to love each other. It is the face that looks back in the mirror that shows the years of mistreatment. It is teh girl who was able to manipulate people from the age of 7 into doing exactly what she wanted no matter what the consequences for them were. I want God to love teh person I want to be. I want God to take this person that I am out of the picture and start from scratch. The kitchen is about him telling me that's not going to happen. The appliances are chrome and buffed to such a high polished shine that I can see myself as if in a mirror. Had he brought me to the bathroom and said look in the mirror, I would have looked in teh mirror but at him. He caught me off guard, face to face with myself. This is where the healing room, the throne room and the terrace begin. Until I can take this picture of myself into the healing room with me instead of the person I want to be, I will have to stay in the kitchen. I wish I could leave it all behind. I'm making a mess of the kitchen now. THe things I don't like about myself are dripping off of me like ooze. They're pooling on teh floor in such a puddle I can't clean it up. I'm not even trying to. I have tears in my eyes and I'm looking up at God asking why? And he is saying because this is who I love.

An update in the kitchen

If you haven't read My House God's House yet, please do so before continuing as this may not make any sense if you haven't

http://fellclutchofcircumstance.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-house-gods-house.html

So after meeting with my spiritual director last week, I finally have a little more understanding of the kitchen. Oddly enough, it has nothing to with eating, friendship, fellowship or creating. It has everything to do with being here and waiting. Getting used to the season of today. I tried to go to the healing room last week and God brought me back. He gently reminded me as I tried to leave that I am to be in the kitchen waiting. I am not held against my will. I want to be here. I can leave if I want...and that is the key. Remember a few months ago I was ranting about how much I hate PMS? I hate it because I become a different person when I am PMSing. I am just more sensitive to it than other people so it feels like I become a terrible person, but really it's just that I get in a bad mood. In my head, I have to be in a good mood when I am in the House or in the presence of other people for that matter. When I am in a bad mood, I think nasty thoughts about people like getting frustrated with the girl that sits in front of me because she swears all the time about things that don't really matter or getting selfish and not understanding why my husband won't spend every second thinking of me and anticipating every need I am going to have. I like myself. I am kind, understanding and gentle. I try my best to love people the way God loves them (sometimes needing a second attempt). For the most part, I am pretty cool...for 2 weeks out of the month. My PMS is long and severe and causes a rift between me and God that is only there in my head. The waiting in the kitchen is about Him wanting me to still be here when I am PMSing. That side of me, no matter how undesirable, is still a part of me. Even though I don't like the way I react to people half of the month, God wants me to stay in the House anyway. In the past, as soon as I started feeling it, I left the House. I didn't want God to know that that side of me existed (yeah I know. Psalm 139). The journey over the last few years has been long but sweet. I have learned that not only does God love me, but I can love me too. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can walk into a room of strangers and given enough time, you will click with someone. I think what we are working on now is being okay with who I am no matter what. First I had to come to terms with my capacity to love, now I have to come to terms with my capacity to love me. I'm actually kind of scared this month. I don't want God to see how jealous and mean I can get. Even though I know in my head that he sees everything, a part of me still thinks he won't see it if I leave the House. I have always just left the House and the throne room when I don't consider myself worthy to be there. The kitchen is about Him wanting me to stand before Him as I am. I am not answering for anything, I am just supposed to stand here and be. Be myself, be His child and be loved. The kitchen is uncomfortable for me. There is so much I could be doing here. I could prepare a meal for friends, I could nourish myself, I could cook with the King, but instead, I am to stand here and be loved by the King. Still not liking it too much. God give me the grace to learn this lesson. Show me how to love myself even when it is hard so I can then do the same with other people.

My House (God's House?)

I was hoping we could spend some time together. Though it would be nice to go somewhere and talk by a warm fireplace and I get to know you just a little better, that’s not what I’d like to do. Instead, I’d like you to come to my house. It’s not really my house, you can’t even touch it with your hands, but it’s a house I’d like to live in. I’ve spent a lot of time there lately, getting to know the place, exploring, but I still haven’t moved in. The invite is there, waiting for me to accept, but it’s a very big step to move in with your beloved, especially when you are still getting to know him.
The house I am talking about is God’s house. It is a place where I have started to go when I need to talk with God on his own turf; when I need to see the world from his perspective. I don’t see the world the same way most of you do. That doesn’t make me better, in fact some days I think it is more of a curse. It just means I have to work very hard to see the world from your perspective. Sometimes, I need a change of pace.
The world that I live in is one that is very symbolic. Every attribute of something means something. When I am wearing polyester, I am usually feeling manmade (haven’t decided if that’s a bad thing yet). When I eat cookies, I am feeling at home, when I drink lemonade, I probably don’t like you. It has made interacting very difficult, but I am learning how to do it.
Back to my house...the house? God’s house. God has shown me one room of his house at a time. I don’t get a guided tour. I see the rooms as I need them. So far, he has shown me four. Why don’t I give you the guided tour of this house and maybe you will be as blessed by it as I am. Come in the door and turn around. This is the entry to the house. The door is huge but at the same time small. When size would intimidate me, it is just big enough for me to fit through. When I know and welcome that I am in the presence of greatness, it is big enough for a giant. It is handcrafted with love by my Father. He built this house for every one of his children to call home, but they’re only home when I’m okay with it.
The door is big and solid and creaks when you open it because of all the years it has been the gateway to this house. It has windows in it so I can still see the outside world but it is solid enough that that world can’t get through on those days when it hurts. You would expect the stone tile floor to be cold and harsh to the touch, but the huge shag rug welcomes me, even beckons me. There’s a huge closet in the entry and it has a whole lot of shoes in it. Some of them shoes I wore when I was a kid, some of them shoes my parents wore that I might try on someday. All of them are shoes that mean something to me. I haven’t figured out why yet, but there aren’t any coats or hats in the closet, just shoes and black marks where some have been kicked off in a mad rush to curl up with Dad.
The entry way takes you into the main part of the house. It is huge and open like some of those houses you see on Home Makeover, but the areas are separated just enough that when you can’t handle one room, you can take solace in another. We’ll start at the left and work our way around the same way I found them.
First we have the healing room. It’s kind of like a sunroom, but last time I checked, there are windows in sunrooms and they aren’t rough hewn and made out of stone. So I guess it’s not like a sunroom. Either way, it is the first room I found in the house. When I walk into the room, I am always astounded by how big and small the room seems at once. It is big enough that God in his giantness can be comfortable here, but small enough that one person trying to hide from the world can feel secure. The floors are made of huge stones, something like you would expect the dwarves of folklore to have carved but so large, they would have had to work with Giants to move them. The masonry was done by a master, someone who really knew what they were doing and had all the time in the world to make sure it was done right. When I’m sitting in here, I feel like it is a fortress where nothing that hurts can get through.
There is a massive fireplace on the far wall. It’s big enough that I could probably sit in it and spread my arms out and just touch the sides of it. There is always a fire crackling here. The pop and snap of the sparks is comforting, like the chaff that gets burned away in the refiner’s fire, but it’s not my chaff. The logs burn eternally. It never needs to be stoked. It just keeps going, and when I need to, I can come and warm my hands on the flames. When the world has been so cold that my soul is worn, I can have the permeating glow refresh me. I don’t even have to say anything when I come here. Dad knows when I’ve come and he comes and sits with me and pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me and lets me cry when I need to, sigh when I need to or whatever else my soul needs at the time to leave the world behind and come home.
When I am ready, and sometimes that’s sooner than I think, he takes my feeble hand in his and takes me over to the table. It’s a massive stone table, carved just as masterfully as the stones in the floor and the fireplace. The warmth of the fire keeps it from being cold to the touch so it is a warm and inviting place. There are two chairs at this table. One is a massive wooden chair with leather upholstering on the seat and back. The timbers that were used to make it were probably massive cherry trees and haven’t been cut down that much. It kind of looks like those chairs you see in the movies about medieval times that the Lord of the house sits in. You can imagine who gets to sit in this one. The other is less ornate. Just the right size for any of us human folk, it is for the guest of the healing. Anytime someone needs to come here so I can say something to them or give something to them or have them see me give something away, they get this chair. It’s a smaller version of the other with less carving and detail but still just as masterfully made.
I don’t usually sit down at this table. I like to spend as little time as possible here (I’ll tell you a little bit more about why later) and sitting down just makes you want to get comfortable and stay. I don’t rush the work we do here, but I don’t want to stay any longer than I have to. We tend to use the table because I can take my emotions and the hurts and relationships I have and we can put them on the table and look at them. I can choose to pick them up and touch them and explore them a little if that’s what I need, or I can pass them to someone else to have them look at it. Sometimes I give it to God because I am having trouble releasing it and he puts it somewhere where I can’t find it and sometimes I give it to my guest. Usually, that is only so I can see why they don’t need it and I can give it to God.
I learned here that my feelings have texture. Guilt and shame were compacted by years of ignoring them into a solid ball, kind of like a fishing weight, and it sucked the energy out of me the longer I held on to it. I put it on the table and tried to give it to the people who I held responsible for it and they already knew how much it hurt to touch it so they wouldn’t pick it up. I gave it over to God and he put it somewhere and I’ve never seen it since.
The goal of the healing room is not to spend my day wallowing in the past and the hurts. The goal is to be cleansed and freed of them so I can walk purely into the throne room. That is the next room. This is a place of Glory. I can come here with all of my baggage and when I’m not doing what God wants of me, but usually, He will ask me to come back to the healing room with Him if I try. He doesn’t demand it and I only go to the healing room when I’m ready, but he asks that I be clean before coming to the throne room. This is the room where I fulfill my purpose in creation: adoring my Lord and Saviour. I fall on my face and worship Him. The angels are here and I can see them singing, but I can’t hear them in the usual sense. They are singing but it is directed at God so it can only be heard by Him. I am blessed by it and my soul is encouraged to join in, but I can’t really hear it.
The floors here are made of marble tile; they are white with grey marbling. There are flecks of gold and silver in the tile as well. When you come into the room, the throne is to the left, the angels are straight in front of you and the cross is to the right. There are massive stone pillars on either side of the throne and there are other people here who have been through the healing room and have come to fulfill their purpose. They lay prostrate to the throne, worshipping the Lord of al creation. There are others here, bent at the foot of the cross. They haven’t found the healing room yet because they have just found the reason for all of this being here. As each one realizes the gift that was given to them, God puts a comforting hand on their shoulder and invites them to the healing room when they’re ready.
For me, I am here for the throne. I don’t throw myself down in prostration anymore like I did when I first found the throne room. I come in and I kneel. I try to keep both the throne and the cross in sight. It’s hard with them being on both ends of the room. I keep asking God to move them closer together, but he said he built it this way for a reason. I am okay with not knowing that reason and trusting that I am here to worship. I used to get an overwhelming adrenaline rush when I came to the throne room. I would look at how many people were here and how much room there was and say “Wow, I should bring a whole bunch of people here so they can see this too!” But now I know that it is not me that brings people to this room but God. People will see me go into this house and see the peace I go out into the world with and God will speak to their hearts and ask them if they want some too. That is how I will bring people into this throne room: by living each moment trying to retain the peace that I find in the healing room and the love that I feel in the throne room.
I mentioned earlier that I spend as little time as possible in the healing room. That is because, though it is wonderful when I am cleansed and freed of something, it is a means to an end. The things we are working on in the healing room are to make it easier to stay in the throne room. When I enter the healing room, I know good work is going on and I want to work through it quickly because I know I get to be in the throne room next and it will be so much better.
This brings me to the third room which I found last week. It is not so much of a room as the yard. There is a terrace in the northeast corner of the house which leads out to gardens that go on forever. The main thing here is what I call the Journey. All of us start out in life on a path. It may be one that is seemingly already laid where someone has walked it before and actually put a pathway down that looks like a bike path, or it may be a path full of briars where everywhere we turn, the nettles are poking us and the vines are cutting us. It could be a path that has not been laid out but has been made easier by the Father. This path looks more like a lawn that has been trimmed and manicured but goes off in the distance so far that you don’t know where it leads. Each of us starts out on one of these paths. They run side by side with a chain link fence between them. The fence is high enough that you can’t climb over it so the only way to go from one path to another is through the gates along the way. You can cross through as many times as you like and often times you don’t know which one you are going to. I have walked all of the paths at different times in my life. I tend to stay away from the briars now, but the pathway is on the left, the lawn is on the right and the briars are in the middle so when I want to cross from the path that is hewn to the place that is not, I have to go through the briars.
Now, you’re probably wondering why someone wouldn’t just stay on the path for their entire life. There’s something you should keep in mind here. The cement pathway may already be laid, but think back to the last time you walked on concrete? How long were you able to go before your knees hurt? Eventually your ankles and your hips would bother you too. The spine is never a happy camper with that. But what happens when you take your shoes off and walk on the grass (not the stuff that grows in hard clay. We’re talking soft ground with lots of peat)? The shock on your bones isn’t so bad. You can walk longer. The only problem with the grass is you have no idea where it goes or what path you will take to get there. Sometimes it will go forward, sometimes you will double back to relive an experience. You never know where you are going or how long it will take you to get there. The thing that I can never keep in the front of my head is that these paths all lead to the same place. At the end of our journey, we will all come to the throne room. The path meanders out the back way until it comes in the side door, straight into the throne room where we will stand in worship for all time with no need of the healing room or the garden. For some reason, I can never remember that when I’m getting frustrated with the path I’m on.
Last time I went to the house, we were working in the garden. I was struggling with the path I have taken. God wanted me to use the gate to cross over to the lawn, but Richard is on the concrete and I have been too so he was basically asking me to go through the briar to get there and be where I can’t see Richard anymore. I’m probably going to find out that Rich isn’t on the concrete path, that he’s really on the lawn, but we’ll see how that pans out. This one is taking a little bit longer than usual. By the time we finished working, God had changed gears. We were in a new room. We had gone back in the house and now we were in the kitchen. I’m still not sure what the significance of that is, but that’s where I am. The kitchen is in the center of the house. That’s why I said it’s like one of those home makeover houses, because the kitchen is in the center of the house and all of the rooms come off of the kitchen. When you want to go from the healing room to the throne room, you have to go through the kitchen. From the throne room to the garden, through the kitchen. I don’t usually notice the kitchen because the purpose is not to be in the kitchen. The purpose is to get to whatever room I need to be in to accomplish the task at hand. This time, we stopped in the kitchen. What God has told me so far is that he wants me to stay here for a while. I have always been about the room I am going to. I have always had to have a destination. He is asking me to live here, Right where I am, to enjoy this moment, these people and these circumstances. I spend my life planning for the future. I spend hours making spreadsheets and flow charts laying out how I am going to reach my goals and I never actually enjoy this moment, the beginning of those goals. He has brought me to the kitchen and asked me to do nothing. That is my act of worship at this moment.I hope my world makes just a little bit more sense to you now and I hope you can benefit from God’s house. It doesn’t make sense to everyone and it doesn’t help everyone, but maybe it will show you something more about yourself, God or possibly even me that will make your life a little bit easier to live and bring you that one step closer to God. I hope that someday I will see each and every one of you in God’s House, singing with the angels