The Beast

So I think we have hit another one of the major issues. I started thinking about what the challenges I face with losing weight are. I have always known that I eat for comfort. The key to changing this is going to be figuring out what it is I need to comfort and changing it permanently. The problem is, I don't want to fix it. I know the pain therefore I like the pain. I get so confused when I try to think this through. I'm conflicted between what I should feel and what I do feel. This is the dangerous subject. I have been trying to change the way I feel and live for a lot of years. I started out suicidal looking for every way to hurt myself, revelling in the pain because at least it was something. Over the years I have tried to introduce myself to good feelings. For the most part, it has worked. I actually feel good when good things happen. The problem is that it has been very hard to learn how to feel good and I am afraid that if I stop holding on to the stuff that hurts and the emptiness, then I forget everything I've learned about feeling good, I won't feel anything. I remember what nothing felt like. It was worse than anything else. This is further than I have ever gotten in this contemplation and I am having a panic attack. Even thinking about the nothingness scares me. I think I am going to wait until someone can help me with this one as I think I am going to end up going to a very dark place and may need some help coming back from that place.