Worship again?

So the question has been rolling around inside my head of late. I started this blog to help me with the changes I would need to make to become a worship leader. It has been a very good tool, but now I am finding it has become the tool I use to process life in general. Lately I have been asking God about the calling he has given me to lead worship. When I ask him about it, I usually have fear in my heart that he may ask me to do it right now from this place where I am terrified of people, men and groups. From this place where I am finally in contact with the real me. Learning about what makes me tick and who I want to be. I still feel the calling to be a worship pastor, but God is showing me that patience is essential. For so long, I have been trying to dominate the fear that runs my life and have ended up hurting a lot of people as I try to make my point that I amnot afraid of anything. The problem is, I'm overcompensating. I don't want anyone to know how afraid I am of being strong and getting to do what I love so I go in with grandiose gestures and spout off as if I knew what I was talking about and end up making a fool out of myself. The moments I have felt true worship are the ones where it begins with just me and God. When I stoptrying to live my life a certain way and give the control of the moment over to God, he steps in in a very sweet and intimate way. He shows himself as not only "God", but MY God. The one who meets me when I pray and the one who soothes me when I hurt. I want to share him with people, but I don't know how to do it without people hurting me.

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
(we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come

Something I have learned over the years is to trust the instincts God has given me. He has shown me that he is craving the intimate time we had together when I wanted nothing more than to be with him. Honestly, I have been missing them dearly. It's just so hard to maintain a balance and so easy to maintain the excuses. I have always believed that if something is truly important to you, you will make time for it. I lost my devotional bible though. It helped cause there's a lot of stuff in the bible. I never know where to start with devotional time. I'll have to see if I can find it today. On the other hand it was only $40 so I could probably replace it if I needed to. I haven't been living to chase God like I used to. I think I use the excuse that I don't want to be alone on that quest and I keep trying to get my husband to come with me, but I can't let that hold me back any more. I am missing out on the sweet consolations God has for me and that's nobody's fault but my own.