Reality

Some say reality bites, some say they avoid it, some say it hurts. I don't know what reality feels like as I lost touch with it when I was very young. I wanted to be that kid in the movies who has everything but does nothing. I hated it when adults interrupted my fantasy by telling me I was neglecting another one of my responsibilities. The kids on TV never had to do chores, the kids on TV never had to go to their room when they screwed up (that is except the Huxtables, but they were the perfect family. I always dreamed of being part of that family.) I hated it when life interrupted my fantasy and the harder I tried to stay away from life, the harder it tried to come find me. The problem is that with no contact with reality, you also lose contact with the people involved in that reality. It makes for a very lonely existence. The problem is, reality hurts. In every memory I have, there is some pain. There is always a little bit of joy as well, but I had enough of the pain when I was young and started throwing any memory that hurt. My piano lessons were tainted with my dad's push for me to be perfect. Jazz tap was tainted with the "there's a reason we didn't name her Grace" comment. Graduation was tainted with pregnancy, Junior High Grad was tainted with loneliness as I didn't get asked to the dance. There is a key skill that would begin to make a difference in everything I do. Separating the pain from the joy and using the joy to rekindle my heart and not feeling the pain. I laid down to go to sleep earlier and I couldn't sleep. All I could see was the layers around my heart peeling back and just as I was about to see what was really in there, the picture started over. What am I so afraid of? I said to my mom tonight "if I don't have the pain, I don't have anything." That's not completely true, but that's what scares me. What if I learn how to stop reliving the pain and it turns out there is nothing there? I already know that's not the case, but that's what my heart is afraid of. I disengaged my heart years ago as I knew I would not survive if I felt all of the guilt, all of the shame, all of the rejection, but reconnecting it is a lot harder than you would think. I have spent my life feeling ashamed of the things that have happened to me. "Normal" people don't have to deal with this stuff. How do I let people in and have something to be proud of when I show them who I am? It begins with believing that I have something to be proud of. The things I am proud of cannot be directly dependant on having the pain. They must stand alone as things I have done or been in my life.

1. I am stubborn as an ox. Some people would be frustrated by this, but I try to only use it to help people. Lately I have been using it to get other people to let me medicate, but I like to know that I have done everything in my power to help someone. I know that sometimes I cannot help, but I want to be the one my friends come to and go away saying "I really feel like she tried her best."

2. I am good. It feels good when I do things for other people. My favorite phrase is " you made my day". Goodness is hard to describe as it is something that has always come naturally to me. It means I have compassion for the wounded and the weak, kindness for the broken, patience for those who need it and love for anyone who wants it.

3. I am wise. Every time my instincts have said " this should be a certain way" it has turnd out to be true. I still jump into things too quickly and don't know how to get out of a situation my instincts are warning me about, but at least I know what the right thing to do is. I don't know how to live this one and not come across as pushy. It would be kind of awkward if I met someone and just started telling them they had to isten to me because I am wise, but this is not about how to get people to know things about me. It's about what I have to be proud of.

4. When faced with hard decisions, I don't choose what would benefit just me. I keep other people in mind. If me being satisfied is going to be a detriment to other people, I am willing to make a sacrifice to protect them. I am still learning how to make more decisions that protect me, but that will come.

5. I am not selfish. I wouldn't say I am selfless yet, but I may get there someday. I put others before myself. It used to be to my detriment but these days I tend to look out for me and give where I am able.

I wish I was able to put that I am honest on the list, but as of yet, I still struggle with the truth. Part of that is that I am not comfortable with the truth that is my life yet. It is disappointing. I wanted to be a huge star with a massive folowing by now. That was an unrealistic dream, but I still wish I could have achieved it. Honesty is something I have always struggled with. When I was a child, it was because the only time the truth really mattered was when it was going to get me in trouble. I was creative enough as a child that I could make up a new reality that was pretty believable. I almost had my parents convinced a couple of times...almost. Now I have been hiding from the truth for so long that I am afraid of it now. I wish I could face it, but what if it hurts? (I have just noticed that 2 words that are very interchangeable for me are hurt and disappointment. How to accept disappointment without hurting and how to set myself up for success I think are 2 huge things I will have to face)

My mom has been trying to teach me that it's not the destination that matters, but the journey to get there. The disappointments in life color our journey. Just because something doesn't turn out the way you expect doesn't make it a failure. It makes it an event. Something that happened that minutely or majorly changed the course of our journey. I got beat up when I was in Grade 10. I'm still not really sure why. This minutely changed my journey as it's the reason I ended up changing high schools. I had a baby when I was seventeen. This majorly changed the course of my journey as it started my quest to find the truth about God and be true to myself. I married a winderful man. This changed the course of my life, but I'm still finding out the impact it's had. The truth would be easier to take if I stopped thinking of it in good andbad, pain and joy, black and white, all or nothing. Instead if I were to see the truth that is my life as an event that is good for some, bad for others and for others just a blip on the radar it would be a lot easier to take.