The hand of the Lord

The hand of the Lord is heavy on me. He stops me from my spastic interactions with the world. He brings me to a place of genuine worship. He sets aside all those things I think are important and brings to center the one thing that is important. Genuine, broken worship of Jesus Christ in whatever way we are lead. My heart is open here. Fearfully, I come, assuredly I stand and go. Here I remember first that nothing else matters than that only through him can I truly succeed at the other things. Lord I am blessed to be in your presence now.



He presses on me then gently carresses me. I find myself in teh palm of his hand. Reassured and comforted, he is the Father I never knew.



Have you ever listened to a really good music group? Have you seen how they listen to each other? You can see teh leader listening to the whole thang and they know what each note sounds like. A really good group needs no conductor. Theyeach can hear when it is time to swell or decay. That is how we must be with the master. If we want to make our worship into sweet music with him, then we must listen for how that worship should go. Worship does not begin with us but with God. He places the desire in us to worship and fans the flames when we are ready. All we can do is when we feelthe call to worship, to bolt for the throne room and wait. God will show us exactly what we need to know and when we need to act.

Random Rambles of a Very Lost Girl

An ever open door to know our saviour more in the presence of our Lord.

I don't want to be Hole, I don't want to be righteous. I want to live my life in the Bosom of my Father, my beloved and my friend. I don't want to be set apart by my actions. I want to be set apart because of where my heart lives. I love my Father and I don't understand how to bring my world into the throne room. I don't want to live my life setting myself apart from the world. I want to bring my God into the world, loving him and introducing him to the people around me.

A heart full of fear and uncertainty has no place in the throne room. Where is the bold faith of my youth? How can I remove the fear?. The guilt is on teh table already. The vengeance was purified. I am afraid I will hurt again or that I will return to that room and God won't be there. I see the vision he has given me, but he has not put people in my life that saw the gifts while they were growing. I know they are there, not because of my own ambitions but because whenever I have gone to the throne room, I have found it. I don't want rules and regulations. I want a relationship. I don't know what that looks like. I need this relationship to help me follow the rules that have been placed in my life.

Church should be focused on God, but that doesn't mean you can't look through each other to see him.

A Prayer of the Lost

How is it that so often I find my knees stiff again? I wish to live my life in submission to God but so many times there are so many things vying for my attention. The last time someone in a church hurt me, I separated church from God in my heart. Going to church didn't necessarily lead to the throne room so it wasn't necessary for my faith. I am not alone and I am not in the dark, but I am surrounded by darkness. I don't like it. I have made excuses for different aspects of my life not being in submission to God. I have justified it by saying that I am learning tolerance, I think it is to put away childish things again.

The things I leave on the table outside:

-My Pride
-My dreams - this one is hard. Lord, help me to set aside my dreams for now. You are not asking me to forget about them, just to wait for you to fulfill them.
-my expectations

Lord, I am afraid to be on my face again, but that is where you love me. Prostrated begins with my knees and my heart. Lord, I confess to you my fear, my pride and my anxiety. I come naked and burdened to the floor of the throne room. I leave my wants at the door. Help me to come back to you. Help me to live from the throne room. Trusting in you to renew me. Help me to see your will Lord and help me to be okay with what you don't show me.Thank you for my family. The people who already care enough to look in on me when I am troubled. Help me to reach out to them rather than try to hide. I love you and am glad you have saved me from myself. Remind me daily of the things you want from me.

Friend

I miss you. You do not include me when you talk about your friends and the people who are important to you, or at least I don't hear it. It is not until I become pushy that you think of me. You have always been so special to me and I have come to love you like a beloved family member. I have tried to be patient and supportive and to show you real love, but you don't want it for some reason. I would never abandon you, but when I call your name, you don't even look at me. How did I end up so alone?

Kitchen additions

Alright so I have been in the kitchen for 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I have usually gone to the healing room, the throne room, the terrace and back to the throne room by now. Looking back at my last post, I jumped the gun a little bit. Before you can love someone, you have to like them first. You like someone, then you love them, then its okay not to like them sometimes because you love them but you can learn to like them again. THat whole learning how to love myself is a project for another day. THe first project is to truly stand in the kitchen adn like me. My problem with the kitchen is that it is who I am right now. It is selfishness, jealousy, greed and loathing. It is the family I have grown up with and am ashamed of their inability to love each other. It is the face that looks back in the mirror that shows the years of mistreatment. It is teh girl who was able to manipulate people from the age of 7 into doing exactly what she wanted no matter what the consequences for them were. I want God to love teh person I want to be. I want God to take this person that I am out of the picture and start from scratch. The kitchen is about him telling me that's not going to happen. The appliances are chrome and buffed to such a high polished shine that I can see myself as if in a mirror. Had he brought me to the bathroom and said look in the mirror, I would have looked in teh mirror but at him. He caught me off guard, face to face with myself. This is where the healing room, the throne room and the terrace begin. Until I can take this picture of myself into the healing room with me instead of the person I want to be, I will have to stay in the kitchen. I wish I could leave it all behind. I'm making a mess of the kitchen now. THe things I don't like about myself are dripping off of me like ooze. They're pooling on teh floor in such a puddle I can't clean it up. I'm not even trying to. I have tears in my eyes and I'm looking up at God asking why? And he is saying because this is who I love.

An update in the kitchen

If you haven't read My House God's House yet, please do so before continuing as this may not make any sense if you haven't

http://fellclutchofcircumstance.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-house-gods-house.html

So after meeting with my spiritual director last week, I finally have a little more understanding of the kitchen. Oddly enough, it has nothing to with eating, friendship, fellowship or creating. It has everything to do with being here and waiting. Getting used to the season of today. I tried to go to the healing room last week and God brought me back. He gently reminded me as I tried to leave that I am to be in the kitchen waiting. I am not held against my will. I want to be here. I can leave if I want...and that is the key. Remember a few months ago I was ranting about how much I hate PMS? I hate it because I become a different person when I am PMSing. I am just more sensitive to it than other people so it feels like I become a terrible person, but really it's just that I get in a bad mood. In my head, I have to be in a good mood when I am in the House or in the presence of other people for that matter. When I am in a bad mood, I think nasty thoughts about people like getting frustrated with the girl that sits in front of me because she swears all the time about things that don't really matter or getting selfish and not understanding why my husband won't spend every second thinking of me and anticipating every need I am going to have. I like myself. I am kind, understanding and gentle. I try my best to love people the way God loves them (sometimes needing a second attempt). For the most part, I am pretty cool...for 2 weeks out of the month. My PMS is long and severe and causes a rift between me and God that is only there in my head. The waiting in the kitchen is about Him wanting me to still be here when I am PMSing. That side of me, no matter how undesirable, is still a part of me. Even though I don't like the way I react to people half of the month, God wants me to stay in the House anyway. In the past, as soon as I started feeling it, I left the House. I didn't want God to know that that side of me existed (yeah I know. Psalm 139). The journey over the last few years has been long but sweet. I have learned that not only does God love me, but I can love me too. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can walk into a room of strangers and given enough time, you will click with someone. I think what we are working on now is being okay with who I am no matter what. First I had to come to terms with my capacity to love, now I have to come to terms with my capacity to love me. I'm actually kind of scared this month. I don't want God to see how jealous and mean I can get. Even though I know in my head that he sees everything, a part of me still thinks he won't see it if I leave the House. I have always just left the House and the throne room when I don't consider myself worthy to be there. The kitchen is about Him wanting me to stand before Him as I am. I am not answering for anything, I am just supposed to stand here and be. Be myself, be His child and be loved. The kitchen is uncomfortable for me. There is so much I could be doing here. I could prepare a meal for friends, I could nourish myself, I could cook with the King, but instead, I am to stand here and be loved by the King. Still not liking it too much. God give me the grace to learn this lesson. Show me how to love myself even when it is hard so I can then do the same with other people.

My House (God's House?)

I was hoping we could spend some time together. Though it would be nice to go somewhere and talk by a warm fireplace and I get to know you just a little better, that’s not what I’d like to do. Instead, I’d like you to come to my house. It’s not really my house, you can’t even touch it with your hands, but it’s a house I’d like to live in. I’ve spent a lot of time there lately, getting to know the place, exploring, but I still haven’t moved in. The invite is there, waiting for me to accept, but it’s a very big step to move in with your beloved, especially when you are still getting to know him.
The house I am talking about is God’s house. It is a place where I have started to go when I need to talk with God on his own turf; when I need to see the world from his perspective. I don’t see the world the same way most of you do. That doesn’t make me better, in fact some days I think it is more of a curse. It just means I have to work very hard to see the world from your perspective. Sometimes, I need a change of pace.
The world that I live in is one that is very symbolic. Every attribute of something means something. When I am wearing polyester, I am usually feeling manmade (haven’t decided if that’s a bad thing yet). When I eat cookies, I am feeling at home, when I drink lemonade, I probably don’t like you. It has made interacting very difficult, but I am learning how to do it.
Back to my house...the house? God’s house. God has shown me one room of his house at a time. I don’t get a guided tour. I see the rooms as I need them. So far, he has shown me four. Why don’t I give you the guided tour of this house and maybe you will be as blessed by it as I am. Come in the door and turn around. This is the entry to the house. The door is huge but at the same time small. When size would intimidate me, it is just big enough for me to fit through. When I know and welcome that I am in the presence of greatness, it is big enough for a giant. It is handcrafted with love by my Father. He built this house for every one of his children to call home, but they’re only home when I’m okay with it.
The door is big and solid and creaks when you open it because of all the years it has been the gateway to this house. It has windows in it so I can still see the outside world but it is solid enough that that world can’t get through on those days when it hurts. You would expect the stone tile floor to be cold and harsh to the touch, but the huge shag rug welcomes me, even beckons me. There’s a huge closet in the entry and it has a whole lot of shoes in it. Some of them shoes I wore when I was a kid, some of them shoes my parents wore that I might try on someday. All of them are shoes that mean something to me. I haven’t figured out why yet, but there aren’t any coats or hats in the closet, just shoes and black marks where some have been kicked off in a mad rush to curl up with Dad.
The entry way takes you into the main part of the house. It is huge and open like some of those houses you see on Home Makeover, but the areas are separated just enough that when you can’t handle one room, you can take solace in another. We’ll start at the left and work our way around the same way I found them.
First we have the healing room. It’s kind of like a sunroom, but last time I checked, there are windows in sunrooms and they aren’t rough hewn and made out of stone. So I guess it’s not like a sunroom. Either way, it is the first room I found in the house. When I walk into the room, I am always astounded by how big and small the room seems at once. It is big enough that God in his giantness can be comfortable here, but small enough that one person trying to hide from the world can feel secure. The floors are made of huge stones, something like you would expect the dwarves of folklore to have carved but so large, they would have had to work with Giants to move them. The masonry was done by a master, someone who really knew what they were doing and had all the time in the world to make sure it was done right. When I’m sitting in here, I feel like it is a fortress where nothing that hurts can get through.
There is a massive fireplace on the far wall. It’s big enough that I could probably sit in it and spread my arms out and just touch the sides of it. There is always a fire crackling here. The pop and snap of the sparks is comforting, like the chaff that gets burned away in the refiner’s fire, but it’s not my chaff. The logs burn eternally. It never needs to be stoked. It just keeps going, and when I need to, I can come and warm my hands on the flames. When the world has been so cold that my soul is worn, I can have the permeating glow refresh me. I don’t even have to say anything when I come here. Dad knows when I’ve come and he comes and sits with me and pulls me into his lap and wraps his arms around me and lets me cry when I need to, sigh when I need to or whatever else my soul needs at the time to leave the world behind and come home.
When I am ready, and sometimes that’s sooner than I think, he takes my feeble hand in his and takes me over to the table. It’s a massive stone table, carved just as masterfully as the stones in the floor and the fireplace. The warmth of the fire keeps it from being cold to the touch so it is a warm and inviting place. There are two chairs at this table. One is a massive wooden chair with leather upholstering on the seat and back. The timbers that were used to make it were probably massive cherry trees and haven’t been cut down that much. It kind of looks like those chairs you see in the movies about medieval times that the Lord of the house sits in. You can imagine who gets to sit in this one. The other is less ornate. Just the right size for any of us human folk, it is for the guest of the healing. Anytime someone needs to come here so I can say something to them or give something to them or have them see me give something away, they get this chair. It’s a smaller version of the other with less carving and detail but still just as masterfully made.
I don’t usually sit down at this table. I like to spend as little time as possible here (I’ll tell you a little bit more about why later) and sitting down just makes you want to get comfortable and stay. I don’t rush the work we do here, but I don’t want to stay any longer than I have to. We tend to use the table because I can take my emotions and the hurts and relationships I have and we can put them on the table and look at them. I can choose to pick them up and touch them and explore them a little if that’s what I need, or I can pass them to someone else to have them look at it. Sometimes I give it to God because I am having trouble releasing it and he puts it somewhere where I can’t find it and sometimes I give it to my guest. Usually, that is only so I can see why they don’t need it and I can give it to God.
I learned here that my feelings have texture. Guilt and shame were compacted by years of ignoring them into a solid ball, kind of like a fishing weight, and it sucked the energy out of me the longer I held on to it. I put it on the table and tried to give it to the people who I held responsible for it and they already knew how much it hurt to touch it so they wouldn’t pick it up. I gave it over to God and he put it somewhere and I’ve never seen it since.
The goal of the healing room is not to spend my day wallowing in the past and the hurts. The goal is to be cleansed and freed of them so I can walk purely into the throne room. That is the next room. This is a place of Glory. I can come here with all of my baggage and when I’m not doing what God wants of me, but usually, He will ask me to come back to the healing room with Him if I try. He doesn’t demand it and I only go to the healing room when I’m ready, but he asks that I be clean before coming to the throne room. This is the room where I fulfill my purpose in creation: adoring my Lord and Saviour. I fall on my face and worship Him. The angels are here and I can see them singing, but I can’t hear them in the usual sense. They are singing but it is directed at God so it can only be heard by Him. I am blessed by it and my soul is encouraged to join in, but I can’t really hear it.
The floors here are made of marble tile; they are white with grey marbling. There are flecks of gold and silver in the tile as well. When you come into the room, the throne is to the left, the angels are straight in front of you and the cross is to the right. There are massive stone pillars on either side of the throne and there are other people here who have been through the healing room and have come to fulfill their purpose. They lay prostrate to the throne, worshipping the Lord of al creation. There are others here, bent at the foot of the cross. They haven’t found the healing room yet because they have just found the reason for all of this being here. As each one realizes the gift that was given to them, God puts a comforting hand on their shoulder and invites them to the healing room when they’re ready.
For me, I am here for the throne. I don’t throw myself down in prostration anymore like I did when I first found the throne room. I come in and I kneel. I try to keep both the throne and the cross in sight. It’s hard with them being on both ends of the room. I keep asking God to move them closer together, but he said he built it this way for a reason. I am okay with not knowing that reason and trusting that I am here to worship. I used to get an overwhelming adrenaline rush when I came to the throne room. I would look at how many people were here and how much room there was and say “Wow, I should bring a whole bunch of people here so they can see this too!” But now I know that it is not me that brings people to this room but God. People will see me go into this house and see the peace I go out into the world with and God will speak to their hearts and ask them if they want some too. That is how I will bring people into this throne room: by living each moment trying to retain the peace that I find in the healing room and the love that I feel in the throne room.
I mentioned earlier that I spend as little time as possible in the healing room. That is because, though it is wonderful when I am cleansed and freed of something, it is a means to an end. The things we are working on in the healing room are to make it easier to stay in the throne room. When I enter the healing room, I know good work is going on and I want to work through it quickly because I know I get to be in the throne room next and it will be so much better.
This brings me to the third room which I found last week. It is not so much of a room as the yard. There is a terrace in the northeast corner of the house which leads out to gardens that go on forever. The main thing here is what I call the Journey. All of us start out in life on a path. It may be one that is seemingly already laid where someone has walked it before and actually put a pathway down that looks like a bike path, or it may be a path full of briars where everywhere we turn, the nettles are poking us and the vines are cutting us. It could be a path that has not been laid out but has been made easier by the Father. This path looks more like a lawn that has been trimmed and manicured but goes off in the distance so far that you don’t know where it leads. Each of us starts out on one of these paths. They run side by side with a chain link fence between them. The fence is high enough that you can’t climb over it so the only way to go from one path to another is through the gates along the way. You can cross through as many times as you like and often times you don’t know which one you are going to. I have walked all of the paths at different times in my life. I tend to stay away from the briars now, but the pathway is on the left, the lawn is on the right and the briars are in the middle so when I want to cross from the path that is hewn to the place that is not, I have to go through the briars.
Now, you’re probably wondering why someone wouldn’t just stay on the path for their entire life. There’s something you should keep in mind here. The cement pathway may already be laid, but think back to the last time you walked on concrete? How long were you able to go before your knees hurt? Eventually your ankles and your hips would bother you too. The spine is never a happy camper with that. But what happens when you take your shoes off and walk on the grass (not the stuff that grows in hard clay. We’re talking soft ground with lots of peat)? The shock on your bones isn’t so bad. You can walk longer. The only problem with the grass is you have no idea where it goes or what path you will take to get there. Sometimes it will go forward, sometimes you will double back to relive an experience. You never know where you are going or how long it will take you to get there. The thing that I can never keep in the front of my head is that these paths all lead to the same place. At the end of our journey, we will all come to the throne room. The path meanders out the back way until it comes in the side door, straight into the throne room where we will stand in worship for all time with no need of the healing room or the garden. For some reason, I can never remember that when I’m getting frustrated with the path I’m on.
Last time I went to the house, we were working in the garden. I was struggling with the path I have taken. God wanted me to use the gate to cross over to the lawn, but Richard is on the concrete and I have been too so he was basically asking me to go through the briar to get there and be where I can’t see Richard anymore. I’m probably going to find out that Rich isn’t on the concrete path, that he’s really on the lawn, but we’ll see how that pans out. This one is taking a little bit longer than usual. By the time we finished working, God had changed gears. We were in a new room. We had gone back in the house and now we were in the kitchen. I’m still not sure what the significance of that is, but that’s where I am. The kitchen is in the center of the house. That’s why I said it’s like one of those home makeover houses, because the kitchen is in the center of the house and all of the rooms come off of the kitchen. When you want to go from the healing room to the throne room, you have to go through the kitchen. From the throne room to the garden, through the kitchen. I don’t usually notice the kitchen because the purpose is not to be in the kitchen. The purpose is to get to whatever room I need to be in to accomplish the task at hand. This time, we stopped in the kitchen. What God has told me so far is that he wants me to stay here for a while. I have always been about the room I am going to. I have always had to have a destination. He is asking me to live here, Right where I am, to enjoy this moment, these people and these circumstances. I spend my life planning for the future. I spend hours making spreadsheets and flow charts laying out how I am going to reach my goals and I never actually enjoy this moment, the beginning of those goals. He has brought me to the kitchen and asked me to do nothing. That is my act of worship at this moment.I hope my world makes just a little bit more sense to you now and I hope you can benefit from God’s house. It doesn’t make sense to everyone and it doesn’t help everyone, but maybe it will show you something more about yourself, God or possibly even me that will make your life a little bit easier to live and bring you that one step closer to God. I hope that someday I will see each and every one of you in God’s House, singing with the angels

Moving on

Mama Bear and Baby Bear. Oh the moments I've missed. She's a beauty isn't she? And that was 5 years ago.

The Talk

So I had "the talk" with my pastor today. I have been dreading this for a long time. I have been feeling the pull to become a more integral part of this church family but given my previous church experiences, I have been afraid to. I want to be considered for leadership, but I don't want to be pushed too quickly. I would like the journey to "leader" to take a while so I can really enjoy every part of it. I wasn't sure what would happen. My church is considering hiring a worship leader who would be in charge of leading the music every week and organizing the teams who help with that task. It's exactly what I see myself doing in the future, but I'm definitely not ready to do it now. I still need time for mentorship and I need to make a commitment to this church and show them that I am part of their family no matter whether I am in leadership or not. I have been spending more time in the throne room lately since God took my Satan coat off (more to come on that later). I still feel a little lost even when I am there, not sure whether to kneel in the presence of the most high God or stand proud as a child of the King. Kind of confused. I'm trying to figure out what true humility is and how to live it every day. I walk a thin line between pride and arrogance. I am at the same time confidant of what Iknow and arrogant about those same things. On the other hand, I still know pretty much nothing. The little bits I have managed to truly learn over the years, really don't amount to a lot. It would be nice if I could just take off my me coat and put ona Godly me coat but that wouldn't be me either. Hopefully I didn't lose you. The coats are who is speaking loudest in my life. Recently, through a spiritual exercise with my spiritual director, I determined that Satan got his hands on me again and had me deceived. My place is in the throne room no matter how stupid I am being and no matter how convoluted my thought processes. I can stand most confidantly when I have been in the throne room worshipping. I thought I had myself convinced that I had to learn how to juggle all those things that get us too busy to pray and distracted from our real purpose before I could come back to the throne room. I realized that I thought it was me telling myself that but in reality, Satan had managed to disguise himself as me. He mimicked my voice so well, I couldn't tell it was him and then he got in so close to me to keep me from sensing my distance from God that I felt like I was wearing him as a coat. Not consciously though. It was kind of strange. I was standing there with God trying to figure out what I needed to do and he grabbed this coat and tore it off me. When I turned around, he had Satan in His hands and I felt so ashamed. How can I keep letting God down like this? He wants me to lead his sheep, but how can anyone lead them when we are so susceptible to Satan's voice? I guess some people just learn how to spend as much time in the throne room as they can. Obviously God knows that I can withstand Satan's influence. He will not let us go through anythingthat will forever tear us from Him. I think He is trying to teach me now how to run back to Him as quickly as I can once I have realized the influence I have been under. It was really awkward. I felt like crap because I knew I had been listening to the wrong voice and knew that the only place I would be safe would be back in the throne room. I dropped the pails of mundane stuff that had been keeping me from God and headed for the throne room, but I couldn't bring my armour with me. God wanted me. Not my defenses, just me. He wanted me to trust Him to keep me safe from the devourer. I stripped off all of my armour as fast as I could and headed for the throne room, but I still didn't feel right there. I brought something in with me that I couldn't identify. I don't know if it was shame, regret, pride or maybe even nothing, but I still didn't feel right even though I knew that's where I needed to be. I've tried to spend some time on it, but I still don't know. I wish I could just be God's muse. I don't want to be a soldier or a pack horse or a minion. I want to be the muse that sits at his feet and listens and loves but never faces the atrocities of the war itself. It'll never happen, but it's a nice thought. Basically, I am going to have to figure out what I think about this war and learn how to stand up for the side I am on otherwise, I will continue going back and forth from the world to the throne room. I wish I knew how to live out of the throne room. Ultimately that is the answer to all of this. Sorry for the ramble, but I had to get it out.

The Movement of Life

So I feel kind of intimidated about writing here now. I realize as I have been focusing on other areas of my life that have directly impacted my life, I miss posting here for very long periods and it isn't until my soul needs a good spring cleaning that I find myself back here. I always feel obligated to try to catch everybody up. It's kind of like when I see my psychologist again after 3 months and she has no idea how much progress my spiritual director and I have made. I don't want this to be a place where I am telling my life story. I want this to be a place where I can work through things. I was hoping that posting here would give my friends who feel better about writing a chance to speak into my life. This blog isn't just about me writing out my issues or advertising the life that I've had. I was hoping this site would be a place to interact. I didn't know how to say that when I started so I am saying it now. If I am posting here, consider it my way of asking you what you think of the major issues in my life. I don't trust the reactions my parents have and when I am hanging out with people, I don't want to spoil the day by seeming self centered and needy. I hope you don't think of this as a homework assignment but more a coffee date.

Surrender - a song

Herre I stand on the precipice
the altar calling from the canyon floor below
The still dark night has ended
and its a long way home

I hear a whisper on themorning wind
my Beloved calls and beckons me come
a voice so familiar it draws me nigh
but its so different I'm pensive to go

I give myself in sweet surrender
put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet, sweet love
and surrender

more to come...

Self Control

For the Grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say "No" to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age, while we wait for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ, who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.



Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be sef-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy."

Recentering

Say prayer starts to dry up on your tongue. Sacred literature becomes fallen leaves, blows away. Meditation brings no serenity anymore. Devotion grows brittle, cracks. The God you bow down to no longer draws you.
Say you bow down anyway. You repeat your mantra along the line of your prayer beads, continue chanting the divine names, melodious. You reread the scriptures, go to mass. Why not? THe things of the world are no competition. You long ago lost interest in material gain, in social status, in interpersonal drama. This wretched limbo lasts for years.
Say each of the familiar spiritual rooms you go to seeking refuge are dark now, and empty. You sit down anyway. You take off your clothes at the door and enter naked. All agendas have fallen away. You grow so still in your nondoing that you forget for
a moment that you are or that maybe God is not. This quietude deepens in proportion to your surrender.
Say what's secretly going on is that the Beloved is loving you back. That your first glimpse of the Absolute was God's first great gift to you. That your years of revelation inside his many vessels was his second gift, wherein, like a mother, he was holding you, like a child, close to his breast, tenderly feeding you. And that this darkness of the soul you have come upon and cannot seem to come out of is his final and greatest gift to you.
Because it is only in this vast emptiness that he can enter, as your Beloved, and fill you. Where the darkness is nothing but unutterable radiance.
Say he knows you are ready to receive him and to be anihilated in love.
Can you say YES to that?

YES. I had forgotten. But now I want to find that path
again.

that felt better

so now that I got that out of my system. I can see why some people still think I'm bipolar. PMS wreaks havoc on my stress management systems. At least people know it's only temporary...I hope.


So I stood at the crossroads a week ago. God had given me the strength and discipline to stick to my diet and get outside of myself. I found myself confused again about how to maintain a balance between loving myself, loving my friends and loving God. ...

Ultimately, it comes down to one thing. Choosing to not come back to this crossroads. The left path goes around ina circle and always comes right back to where I am right now. This time I am choosing to go right. To the left is a rocky road. It starts out smooth and has me perfectly able to cope, but the road always gets rocky about the time my PMS sets in. I have a choice. The right hand path is a little rockier on the smooth parts, but it doesn't get as rough when I am PMSing. On the right hand path I am higher up on my list of people to take care of. If I don't take care of myself, I will never be able to take care of others. The right hand path doesn't come back to this crossroads. I goes to a turning point. No choices, just a path on which I am able to be confidant of myself no matter how close I am to that time of the month. So here we go...

To Michelle,
I am sorry. My awkwardness has led to an inability on my part to support you. I call you when I am lonely and write you when I want to be useful. You have been there through so much for me that I want to be there for you but I don't know how. I hope you will continue to let me love you. It is rare that I find someone in this world who has as high a priority on loving people as I do, but I found that in you. You want to love people the same way I do. With integrity, honesty and understanding. You challenge yourself when you think you may not be living up to your own expectations of yourself and I believe you want to see yourself through God's eyes. To see the beauty he sees and to understand why he saw the need to create you as you are. I wouldn't have you any other way and I don't know how to tell you that in the place you are in right now.

To Jen,
You found God. It hurt while you did it, but you found him. You came back with an unwavering understanding of what God wants from you. I have been pushing you away because I am jealous. I still get confused sometimes whether I am doing what God wants from me. Everything I do is hard and I don't know what the quick fix is. You changed so much that I need to get to know you again. I wish I was more important than family to you but I know that will never happen. Not with the family you have been raised in. I want to find a place in your life, to learn how to love you and to support you. You are my soul friend and I like that.

How do you say the things to people that society says we are not allowed to say? We are not allowed to say "I hurt" or I don't know how to handle this". We are to pretend we know what we're doing and hope it works and learn when those things don't work. I have always wished there was a person that would show me how to do things. So here I am. I have chosen the right path and turned the corner. THere is no turning back. I hope I still have my loved ones at the other end of this path. 

Frustration

So now I'm just getting annoyed. I am trying to stand on my own feet, but everything I try doesn't work. I thought I was starting to understand how to relate to people in such a way that they wanted to spend time with me, but still they lie to me and tell me we have a relationship and then they stand me up. I try to tell people that yeah it happens and I understand but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I just want people to like me and have people feel like my house is a fun carefree place to spend time. I want people to feel like they can drop by unannounced and chill. Basically I want to be accepted. My mom lives too far away to spend time with me, my dad has too much to do, my husband has to accept me and my friends are too busy. I wish I had a neighbour that I could drop in on to have coffee or a friend down the street I could run into every once in a while. Outside I tell people I'm strong and can stand on my own feet but inside I just want someone that wants to walk this path of life with me. I hurt all the time, I don't understand what people mean. I still know things about people before they say anything and am feeling a little frustrated by it all. My life doesn't make much sense right now. How am I supposed to help people when I'm broke and how am I supposed to love people when they just keep hurting me? Some days I am tempted to run for the hills and never talk to anyone again but that would just make the problem worse. I want someone to phone me out of the blue because they were thinking about me or to call cause they're worried about me since they haven't heard from me in a while. I want to feel like I would be missed by someone other than my husband if I wasn't here. I just feel sorry for myself once in a while. I don't like having such a quiet house.

So I'm back. The longest silences here usually indicate the depest work in my life. When I am going through major personal changes in my life, I get scared to blog about them. It can be overwhelming to think about how much I have changed as a human being over the years. I think back on the decisions I've made, the person I've been, the people I've blessed and hurt and My life is already fuller now than some people's lives will ever be. So you know how when you go skiing on an especially cold day, you wear a whole bunch of layers to make sure you don't get too cold? Well I have been doing some of that here. I peeled back the layers that were my manager that I had trouble dealing with, my eating, my weight, the things I was (and some that I still am) angry at my husband or my dad for. I peeled back the last layer this week. I opened up a layer that didn't reveal a new one. All it revealed was a very sensitive issue that couldn't be resolved in my life. I love my husband very much. He has taken so much crap from me, I don't feel like I ever have the right to ask anything of him. Unfortunately if I truly believed that, it would mean I am going to spend my life miserable. There are some things I need from my husband that are very hard for him, and I can't change them. I don't know what frustrates me more, the helpless feeling I get when I realize that Iam powerless to affect the man I love or the fact that I'm not getting what I want. Basically, everything in my lifecomes down to who is in control? I have to control every situation because that's the only way I can guarantee that I won't get hurt. The frustrating part is that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I get confused and bring up other issues that are just as valid and just as important, but they are not the real issue. I can't seem to resolve this. I want him to lose weight, but I am also overweight. He doesn't see any reason why he should lose weight as he has already gotten along fine the size he is (which is bull because he has trouble breathing, his back hurts and he can't stay on his feet for an extended period of time). He also sees that I am overweight and seemingly am not doing anything about it when I am doing everything in my power to change my eating habits. Imagine trying to stop drinking when you live in a bar. It's really hard to change the lifestyle you have. At this point I am crying because I have to let go of the dream I had for my husband. He will pick it up if he wants to, but it is not my dream to have. I am alone. If I want to lose weight, I have to make the choice to do it and accept the loneliness that will come with it. I will have to leave him behind the way he is and be okay with it if h never chooses to change. I am tired of looking in the miror and hating what I see. I could try to fall in love with myself, but I can't. Notlike this. I am obese and unattractive. I am also beginning to get sick because of the weight. My knees ache after only a few minutes of walking and I can't run more than a few steps with my entire body protesting. I have been scared to lose the weight because I will have to deal with men being attracted to me again and I didn't want to give my husband the competition, but I think I have to do this for me. I can't imprison myself in a body I hate just so he can feel secure that his wife will stay with him. I think he feels like no one else would have me the way I look right now and so I need to take that safety net (crutch) away. I visited my brother and sister in law today. She has also struggled for a long time with her weight. She has been on medications that made her gain weight. She changed the way she was eating and in the last 3 months has lost 30 lbs. She looks frickin fantastic. She's thin and elegant and I am so jealous. Ionly have one option if I want people to think that way about me. I have been cheating on my diet. I have been using a good menu, but I am doubling the serving sizes quite frequently. I am going to have to start weighing and measuring my food until I can retrain my body what proper portion sizes are. I don't love food, I hate food. It made me this size which made me undesirable to men. That was what I needed to get the wrong kind of attention off of me. Now that I know what good attention is and how to get it, I have one option. I need to eat properly. My doctor thinks it is going to take 2 years to get my weight down because he is trying to get me to figure out how many calories I need and then slowly lower it. I am determined. I am going to call the pharmacist tomorrow and find out if there is anything that would take away my appetite and I am going to eat everything on the 1500 calorie menu to the letter. Right now, I am 197 lbs. My end goal is 140. I am going to start with an easy one. According to my calorie program, if I stick to my 1500 calorie diet and walk on the treadmill for half an hour every day, I should be able to lose 2 lbs. by Monday. I will see if I am 195 on Monday. If thatworks then 2 weeks from Monday my goal will be 189. I am going to see how this works. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks mum

Ive got money in my pocket
I like the color of my hair
Ive got a friend who loves me
Got a house, Ive got a car
Ive got a good mother
And her voice is what keeps me here

Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself
Ive never wanted anything
No ive, no ive, Ive never wanted anything
So bad...so bad

An epiphany

a realization that came to me while watching armageddon. I turned to Mike and said out of the blue

"I just realized why I struggle with humility. I think all smart people do."

Maintenance

So, I'm finally okay with and completely unoffended when someone calls me high maintenance. I used to try to change that and be "independant" but the issues I've been having with my manager have shown me that I am and will always be high maintenance. There's a negative conotation to the phrase. IT says "Stay away from me cause I'm needy and will sap your resources." Unfortunately that's not the case. I may need a little more time than other people but I don't ask for all of it. I need my friends to talk to me regularly, I need my bosses to give me feedback weekly, I need my husband to tell me he loves me hourly. Until recently that wasn't okay for me. I felt like I had to change that. My manager said to me a little while ago "Leah, you are so high maintenance" and instead of my usual instant defensiveness, I just looked at him intently without even thinking and said "yeah, I know I'm high maintenance and you knew that coming into this." I'm actually shocked that I would be confidant enough to just come out with it. Especially with the difficulties we had been having. It's strange to look in the mental mirror and react with fondness instead of repulsion. It has happened gradually, but it is happening. I can't wait until I have lost all the extra weight I have and can really look in the mirror and say I'm satisfied. It's not like I berate myself or hate who I am. I am beautiful just the way I am, but I definitely wish I was thiner. And it's not a vanity thing anymore. It used to be that I equated being thin with being pretty, but now it is more of a mental association with the choices I've been making to try to cope with things over the last few years. I don't see the fat that bulges over belts and bras, I see the need to turn to food for comfort, to find every way possible to feel good. This week has been amazing. I have stuck to my diet better than ever and I have gone swimming or walking every day. I've made a point of taking care of myself and the house and have even worn dresses all week (makes a difference when you're a girly girl you know). I've really felt like I am not myself with all the weight I have to lose. I feel inside like a person who is strong and confident and doesn't have to turn to food for comfort, but I lok outside like someone who is strong and confidant and is coping with the fact that food has been my comfort. It doesn't help that I have times during my monthly cycle that I just have to eat something that will distract me from the bad feelings. I think that's it right there. My problem is not that there is an empty ache that I don't know how to fill, my problem is that I have feelings of anger and fear and depression that I don't know how to cope with when I am PMSing. This whole growing up thing is getting to be a lot of work. I'm going to have to keep track of when I am getting angry and how I react and try to teach my body not to crave food at those points. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

The Cure...ok so not so much, but some hope anyway

So As I have said before, I suffer severely from PMS. For most they just get a little moody and irritable. For me, I harbour false feelings of self loathing and hatred for almost anything that moves until one day I can't take the negativity anymore. I explode in a weeping puddle of emotional goo unsure of what to think of myself and others. We have recently been trying to get my mood swings under control with little success. My husband started tracking when my PMS was coming so he could duck and cover, but it still left me frustrated because I almost always ruin 1 relationship in that explosion. This month I stayed on it. I didn't let myself binge when the feelings started to hurt and started taking midol for the moods. It made the 2 weeks prior a lot easier to take. I went into full PMS a little more level headed and was able to avoid major problems. I still had problems though. Today my manager challenged me because I've been acting up lately to get some attention and I ended up overreacting. Going in to the meeting I was still level headed, but by the end I was a mess. It only took a minute, but everything that has made me fall apart every other month happened in a matter of about 20 minutes. I could probably tell you exactly when it's going to happen next month. That's how regular it is. My mom thinks I should check with my doctor and get my hormone levels checked. I won't se him until after my vacation but I guess we'll see.