So I'm back. The longest silences here usually indicate the depest work in my life. When I am going through major personal changes in my life, I get scared to blog about them. It can be overwhelming to think about how much I have changed as a human being over the years. I think back on the decisions I've made, the person I've been, the people I've blessed and hurt and My life is already fuller now than some people's lives will ever be. So you know how when you go skiing on an especially cold day, you wear a whole bunch of layers to make sure you don't get too cold? Well I have been doing some of that here. I peeled back the layers that were my manager that I had trouble dealing with, my eating, my weight, the things I was (and some that I still am) angry at my husband or my dad for. I peeled back the last layer this week. I opened up a layer that didn't reveal a new one. All it revealed was a very sensitive issue that couldn't be resolved in my life. I love my husband very much. He has taken so much crap from me, I don't feel like I ever have the right to ask anything of him. Unfortunately if I truly believed that, it would mean I am going to spend my life miserable. There are some things I need from my husband that are very hard for him, and I can't change them. I don't know what frustrates me more, the helpless feeling I get when I realize that Iam powerless to affect the man I love or the fact that I'm not getting what I want. Basically, everything in my lifecomes down to who is in control? I have to control every situation because that's the only way I can guarantee that I won't get hurt. The frustrating part is that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I get confused and bring up other issues that are just as valid and just as important, but they are not the real issue. I can't seem to resolve this. I want him to lose weight, but I am also overweight. He doesn't see any reason why he should lose weight as he has already gotten along fine the size he is (which is bull because he has trouble breathing, his back hurts and he can't stay on his feet for an extended period of time). He also sees that I am overweight and seemingly am not doing anything about it when I am doing everything in my power to change my eating habits. Imagine trying to stop drinking when you live in a bar. It's really hard to change the lifestyle you have. At this point I am crying because I have to let go of the dream I had for my husband. He will pick it up if he wants to, but it is not my dream to have. I am alone. If I want to lose weight, I have to make the choice to do it and accept the loneliness that will come with it. I will have to leave him behind the way he is and be okay with it if h never chooses to change. I am tired of looking in the miror and hating what I see. I could try to fall in love with myself, but I can't. Notlike this. I am obese and unattractive. I am also beginning to get sick because of the weight. My knees ache after only a few minutes of walking and I can't run more than a few steps with my entire body protesting. I have been scared to lose the weight because I will have to deal with men being attracted to me again and I didn't want to give my husband the competition, but I think I have to do this for me. I can't imprison myself in a body I hate just so he can feel secure that his wife will stay with him. I think he feels like no one else would have me the way I look right now and so I need to take that safety net (crutch) away. I visited my brother and sister in law today. She has also struggled for a long time with her weight. She has been on medications that made her gain weight. She changed the way she was eating and in the last 3 months has lost 30 lbs. She looks frickin fantastic. She's thin and elegant and I am so jealous. Ionly have one option if I want people to think that way about me. I have been cheating on my diet. I have been using a good menu, but I am doubling the serving sizes quite frequently. I am going to have to start weighing and measuring my food until I can retrain my body what proper portion sizes are. I don't love food, I hate food. It made me this size which made me undesirable to men. That was what I needed to get the wrong kind of attention off of me. Now that I know what good attention is and how to get it, I have one option. I need to eat properly. My doctor thinks it is going to take 2 years to get my weight down because he is trying to get me to figure out how many calories I need and then slowly lower it. I am determined. I am going to call the pharmacist tomorrow and find out if there is anything that would take away my appetite and I am going to eat everything on the 1500 calorie menu to the letter. Right now, I am 197 lbs. My end goal is 140. I am going to start with an easy one. According to my calorie program, if I stick to my 1500 calorie diet and walk on the treadmill for half an hour every day, I should be able to lose 2 lbs. by Monday. I will see if I am 195 on Monday. If thatworks then 2 weeks from Monday my goal will be 189. I am going to see how this works. I'll keep you posted.

Thanks mum

Ive got money in my pocket
I like the color of my hair
Ive got a friend who loves me
Got a house, Ive got a car
Ive got a good mother
And her voice is what keeps me here

Feet on ground
Heart in hand
Facing forward
Be yourself
Ive never wanted anything
No ive, no ive, Ive never wanted anything
So bad...so bad

An epiphany

a realization that came to me while watching armageddon. I turned to Mike and said out of the blue

"I just realized why I struggle with humility. I think all smart people do."

Maintenance

So, I'm finally okay with and completely unoffended when someone calls me high maintenance. I used to try to change that and be "independant" but the issues I've been having with my manager have shown me that I am and will always be high maintenance. There's a negative conotation to the phrase. IT says "Stay away from me cause I'm needy and will sap your resources." Unfortunately that's not the case. I may need a little more time than other people but I don't ask for all of it. I need my friends to talk to me regularly, I need my bosses to give me feedback weekly, I need my husband to tell me he loves me hourly. Until recently that wasn't okay for me. I felt like I had to change that. My manager said to me a little while ago "Leah, you are so high maintenance" and instead of my usual instant defensiveness, I just looked at him intently without even thinking and said "yeah, I know I'm high maintenance and you knew that coming into this." I'm actually shocked that I would be confidant enough to just come out with it. Especially with the difficulties we had been having. It's strange to look in the mental mirror and react with fondness instead of repulsion. It has happened gradually, but it is happening. I can't wait until I have lost all the extra weight I have and can really look in the mirror and say I'm satisfied. It's not like I berate myself or hate who I am. I am beautiful just the way I am, but I definitely wish I was thiner. And it's not a vanity thing anymore. It used to be that I equated being thin with being pretty, but now it is more of a mental association with the choices I've been making to try to cope with things over the last few years. I don't see the fat that bulges over belts and bras, I see the need to turn to food for comfort, to find every way possible to feel good. This week has been amazing. I have stuck to my diet better than ever and I have gone swimming or walking every day. I've made a point of taking care of myself and the house and have even worn dresses all week (makes a difference when you're a girly girl you know). I've really felt like I am not myself with all the weight I have to lose. I feel inside like a person who is strong and confident and doesn't have to turn to food for comfort, but I lok outside like someone who is strong and confidant and is coping with the fact that food has been my comfort. It doesn't help that I have times during my monthly cycle that I just have to eat something that will distract me from the bad feelings. I think that's it right there. My problem is not that there is an empty ache that I don't know how to fill, my problem is that I have feelings of anger and fear and depression that I don't know how to cope with when I am PMSing. This whole growing up thing is getting to be a lot of work. I'm going to have to keep track of when I am getting angry and how I react and try to teach my body not to crave food at those points. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

The Cure...ok so not so much, but some hope anyway

So As I have said before, I suffer severely from PMS. For most they just get a little moody and irritable. For me, I harbour false feelings of self loathing and hatred for almost anything that moves until one day I can't take the negativity anymore. I explode in a weeping puddle of emotional goo unsure of what to think of myself and others. We have recently been trying to get my mood swings under control with little success. My husband started tracking when my PMS was coming so he could duck and cover, but it still left me frustrated because I almost always ruin 1 relationship in that explosion. This month I stayed on it. I didn't let myself binge when the feelings started to hurt and started taking midol for the moods. It made the 2 weeks prior a lot easier to take. I went into full PMS a little more level headed and was able to avoid major problems. I still had problems though. Today my manager challenged me because I've been acting up lately to get some attention and I ended up overreacting. Going in to the meeting I was still level headed, but by the end I was a mess. It only took a minute, but everything that has made me fall apart every other month happened in a matter of about 20 minutes. I could probably tell you exactly when it's going to happen next month. That's how regular it is. My mom thinks I should check with my doctor and get my hormone levels checked. I won't se him until after my vacation but I guess we'll see.

the Duldrums

So I get a little frustrated when I am dealing with PMS. The same issues come back month after month after month. I hate men, I am insecure about myself and I regret all of the relationships I have burned through in my life. I wish there was a way to short circuit the thinking patterns but even when I take Midol I still hurt both physically and emotionally. I used to think that my moods had the power to change the weather because as soon as that time of the month came, it would start raining, snowing, wind storms. Coincidence I'm sure. I think this one is made worse because Rich and I had to make a sacrifice last weekend. We wanted to go to the zoo because it was sooooo beautiful out and we were both really looking forward to it, but at the last minute, I asked him to check the budget to make sure we could afford it. Sure enough we couldn't. We both overspent badly enough that our leisure budget for the month was tapped. We also used some of our extra money to get ahead of some of the bills. We started setting money aside every week to help pay the rent at the end of the month. Between us getting 5 paychecks, my overtime and unbudgeted income, we made over $7000 last month and not a penny of it is left. That is a sad thing. We jsut want to get to the end of the month before we get to the end ofthe money. So far, not so much. Keep in mind, this is how I process when I am PMSing. Oneof these days someone will find a cure for it.

The Beast

So I think we have hit another one of the major issues. I started thinking about what the challenges I face with losing weight are. I have always known that I eat for comfort. The key to changing this is going to be figuring out what it is I need to comfort and changing it permanently. The problem is, I don't want to fix it. I know the pain therefore I like the pain. I get so confused when I try to think this through. I'm conflicted between what I should feel and what I do feel. This is the dangerous subject. I have been trying to change the way I feel and live for a lot of years. I started out suicidal looking for every way to hurt myself, revelling in the pain because at least it was something. Over the years I have tried to introduce myself to good feelings. For the most part, it has worked. I actually feel good when good things happen. The problem is that it has been very hard to learn how to feel good and I am afraid that if I stop holding on to the stuff that hurts and the emptiness, then I forget everything I've learned about feeling good, I won't feel anything. I remember what nothing felt like. It was worse than anything else. This is further than I have ever gotten in this contemplation and I am having a panic attack. Even thinking about the nothingness scares me. I think I am going to wait until someone can help me with this one as I think I am going to end up going to a very dark place and may need some help coming back from that place.

My "Little" Quest

So my little quest is to lose 50 pounds. Not because I feel like I have to or because everyone wants me to. I want to lose it. I want to be able to wear the cutest dresses I see in the stores. Right now when I see something I like, I have to just keep walking because I know it won't fit me and that hurts. The problem is that When I hurt, I eat...alot. I can't turn to drugs or alcohol or sex or abuse anymore. God has asked me not to because they consumed my life. The problem is, that leaves me with nothing to turn to. I want to turn toGod when I hurt, but I don't know how to and by the time I realize I haven't I have already had a major binge. It doesn't help that when I am PMSing I feel like the is a hole in my heart th size of the grand canyon. The real truth is I don't want to lose weight. If I actually succeed at losing all of my extra weight, I will have to be careful about what I eat and that means I can't self medicate anymore. I would like to say I wouldn't need to self medicate anymore, but the aches and pains in my heart will always be there. I wishI knew how to get out of this cycle. I guess the next question to ask is "What am I medicating?"

Friend

I love that your deep desire is to love God well. I know that you are frustrated because you don't think you are doing it, but I believe he sees the desire in your heart and is praised by it. I learn so much from your walk. It has taught me integrity in my relationship with God. It is easy for me to say "Oh yes, I love God" even while I am chasing my own desires and turning from the plan he has for me. You show me that that is not pleasing to God. I know that you are learning how to be satisfied with where you are even though you desire so much more, but I pray God would share his intimacy with you. I pray you would feel his gentle hand in yours not guiding you but walking with you. I know that God smiles when he thinks of you. Your sweet innocence and desire to serve him are a blessing to him.

God the Unchanging

It's reassuring to know that no matter what I go through or how much I change, God does not. He is still there doting on me, praying for me, loving me. He knows that I will come to fully love him and stands waiting for that to happen. My God is assuredly my steadfast strength.

Worship Again

So I have finally taken down the walls between me and God. The last time I tried to answer his call to worship without abandon, I ended up hurting really bad. It's hard to come back from that, but I realize that it's me and the people I was working with who made poor choices. I have been really nervous about getting back into a worship mode again. I keep thinking God is going to put me back in the same place I was in before. The thing I need to realize is that God didn't put me there. He let me stay there because he needed me to see that I could go through that and be okay, but he did not put me there. I find it funny because once I have dealt with the pain and the mistrust, I always default to the same thing. I don't just like to worship God, I need to worship God. Like I need to eat food and drink water, I need to worship him. If I don't I get lost and make terrible decisions. I started writing a song a couple of days ago. I've never written before so it's going to take a while, but it started in a dream. As I was waking up, I could here the line "Ze O, Ze O by credit, by concerto, by sonata, by prelude, Ze O" and I could hear it being sung by a choir with some very rich harmonic textures. I reiterate that I haven't written before so I know the line is a little hoaky, but it's a start. The only foreign language I know is french and I knew Ze O wasn't French so I started looking it up trying to find out what language it was. Turns out it's Czech. It means "through within". I think the idea I will go for is that the music I make is created through the power that lives within me. I'm not sure how much Czech I will include, but I may try to find a few more phrases. It was really strange when I woke up from the dream. I knew how the line was pronounced and the kind of mood the music to go with it had to have, but I had absolutely no way of knowing what the phrase meant. It's kind of cool when God makes it absolutely clear that he has given you the song. As I started working with that phrase, as with every song, it went through a few different styles. I think I am inspired to do a simple folk style worship song with just an acoustic guitar as well. The lines of the song were this, I would take out the "Ze O" lines and rework them as I want to keep them for the choir song.

Ze O, Ze O
through credit, through concerto,
through Sonata, through Prelude,
All my life is in you

I bring my voice with the angels
To worship at your feet
and you make your home
within my heart
so I live Ze O

It needs a lot of work, but it's not bad for a first try. I'm going to consult with the songwriting teacher at my old school and get his help with it as well. I'm really excited since this is the first time I've had the confidence to ignore the fact I've never written a song before. I mean, there's no time like the present to start right? And if I'm going to start a Christian band, I've got to have a repertoire, right. I need to be careful with this too though. Some of my friends may be overwhelmed with how quickly this change has happened so I need to ease them into it and be understanding when they cross the boundaries. I'll need to be firm with where my boundaries are, but people will learn as I go.

Heavenly Father,

I have a prayer in my heart. I pray that those I touch, would feel your love for them. I pray that those I have hurt would understand that I take responsibility for it and find it in their hearts to forgive me. I pray that you would show me how to live a life devoted to you without excluding people who don't know you. I pray that you would give me a place to worship every moment of every day.

Worship again?

So the question has been rolling around inside my head of late. I started this blog to help me with the changes I would need to make to become a worship leader. It has been a very good tool, but now I am finding it has become the tool I use to process life in general. Lately I have been asking God about the calling he has given me to lead worship. When I ask him about it, I usually have fear in my heart that he may ask me to do it right now from this place where I am terrified of people, men and groups. From this place where I am finally in contact with the real me. Learning about what makes me tick and who I want to be. I still feel the calling to be a worship pastor, but God is showing me that patience is essential. For so long, I have been trying to dominate the fear that runs my life and have ended up hurting a lot of people as I try to make my point that I amnot afraid of anything. The problem is, I'm overcompensating. I don't want anyone to know how afraid I am of being strong and getting to do what I love so I go in with grandiose gestures and spout off as if I knew what I was talking about and end up making a fool out of myself. The moments I have felt true worship are the ones where it begins with just me and God. When I stoptrying to live my life a certain way and give the control of the moment over to God, he steps in in a very sweet and intimate way. He shows himself as not only "God", but MY God. The one who meets me when I pray and the one who soothes me when I hurt. I want to share him with people, but I don't know how to do it without people hurting me.

All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
(we sing)

Come Lord Jesus come

Something I have learned over the years is to trust the instincts God has given me. He has shown me that he is craving the intimate time we had together when I wanted nothing more than to be with him. Honestly, I have been missing them dearly. It's just so hard to maintain a balance and so easy to maintain the excuses. I have always believed that if something is truly important to you, you will make time for it. I lost my devotional bible though. It helped cause there's a lot of stuff in the bible. I never know where to start with devotional time. I'll have to see if I can find it today. On the other hand it was only $40 so I could probably replace it if I needed to. I haven't been living to chase God like I used to. I think I use the excuse that I don't want to be alone on that quest and I keep trying to get my husband to come with me, but I can't let that hold me back any more. I am missing out on the sweet consolations God has for me and that's nobody's fault but my own.

What are you?

I wish I had somewhere else to post this or talk about this, but I don't. You put me in an awkward position,but I decided to drop it since it was my personal beliefs that put me there. I could overlook this until you took me for granted. It hurt when you didn't think I was important enough for us to spend time together. I thought we were not just acquaintances, but true friends who love and support each other. Apparently not. I thought you felt that my time mattered. I have tried to show you that I care about you and that you are special, but I feel like you don't feel the same way. I can't even tell you this because you haven't given me permission to be your friend. I don't know how to reach you and I am getting tired. When you want to be loved, I will be here waiting for you. Until then I suffer in silence.

Aaaahh...

So vacation began today. I have been so stressed out that my psoriasis flared up really bad, even to the point of bleeding, my asthma was making it hard to breath and my muscles started hurting even though I wasn't exercising. So I have huge expectations for my vacation. I expect to relax, deflate and enjoy both my house and my husband. The only thing I need out of this week off is to reconnect with what I want out of life. I expect I will derail about Tuesday or Wednesday as I always do on vacation, I am just hoping that some of the work I have been doing with my spiritual director and my psychologist will pay off and I can pick myself back up a little faster than usual.I guess we'll see how it goes cause I'll have 24 hours a day to think about it.

Reality

Some say reality bites, some say they avoid it, some say it hurts. I don't know what reality feels like as I lost touch with it when I was very young. I wanted to be that kid in the movies who has everything but does nothing. I hated it when adults interrupted my fantasy by telling me I was neglecting another one of my responsibilities. The kids on TV never had to do chores, the kids on TV never had to go to their room when they screwed up (that is except the Huxtables, but they were the perfect family. I always dreamed of being part of that family.) I hated it when life interrupted my fantasy and the harder I tried to stay away from life, the harder it tried to come find me. The problem is that with no contact with reality, you also lose contact with the people involved in that reality. It makes for a very lonely existence. The problem is, reality hurts. In every memory I have, there is some pain. There is always a little bit of joy as well, but I had enough of the pain when I was young and started throwing any memory that hurt. My piano lessons were tainted with my dad's push for me to be perfect. Jazz tap was tainted with the "there's a reason we didn't name her Grace" comment. Graduation was tainted with pregnancy, Junior High Grad was tainted with loneliness as I didn't get asked to the dance. There is a key skill that would begin to make a difference in everything I do. Separating the pain from the joy and using the joy to rekindle my heart and not feeling the pain. I laid down to go to sleep earlier and I couldn't sleep. All I could see was the layers around my heart peeling back and just as I was about to see what was really in there, the picture started over. What am I so afraid of? I said to my mom tonight "if I don't have the pain, I don't have anything." That's not completely true, but that's what scares me. What if I learn how to stop reliving the pain and it turns out there is nothing there? I already know that's not the case, but that's what my heart is afraid of. I disengaged my heart years ago as I knew I would not survive if I felt all of the guilt, all of the shame, all of the rejection, but reconnecting it is a lot harder than you would think. I have spent my life feeling ashamed of the things that have happened to me. "Normal" people don't have to deal with this stuff. How do I let people in and have something to be proud of when I show them who I am? It begins with believing that I have something to be proud of. The things I am proud of cannot be directly dependant on having the pain. They must stand alone as things I have done or been in my life.

1. I am stubborn as an ox. Some people would be frustrated by this, but I try to only use it to help people. Lately I have been using it to get other people to let me medicate, but I like to know that I have done everything in my power to help someone. I know that sometimes I cannot help, but I want to be the one my friends come to and go away saying "I really feel like she tried her best."

2. I am good. It feels good when I do things for other people. My favorite phrase is " you made my day". Goodness is hard to describe as it is something that has always come naturally to me. It means I have compassion for the wounded and the weak, kindness for the broken, patience for those who need it and love for anyone who wants it.

3. I am wise. Every time my instincts have said " this should be a certain way" it has turnd out to be true. I still jump into things too quickly and don't know how to get out of a situation my instincts are warning me about, but at least I know what the right thing to do is. I don't know how to live this one and not come across as pushy. It would be kind of awkward if I met someone and just started telling them they had to isten to me because I am wise, but this is not about how to get people to know things about me. It's about what I have to be proud of.

4. When faced with hard decisions, I don't choose what would benefit just me. I keep other people in mind. If me being satisfied is going to be a detriment to other people, I am willing to make a sacrifice to protect them. I am still learning how to make more decisions that protect me, but that will come.

5. I am not selfish. I wouldn't say I am selfless yet, but I may get there someday. I put others before myself. It used to be to my detriment but these days I tend to look out for me and give where I am able.

I wish I was able to put that I am honest on the list, but as of yet, I still struggle with the truth. Part of that is that I am not comfortable with the truth that is my life yet. It is disappointing. I wanted to be a huge star with a massive folowing by now. That was an unrealistic dream, but I still wish I could have achieved it. Honesty is something I have always struggled with. When I was a child, it was because the only time the truth really mattered was when it was going to get me in trouble. I was creative enough as a child that I could make up a new reality that was pretty believable. I almost had my parents convinced a couple of times...almost. Now I have been hiding from the truth for so long that I am afraid of it now. I wish I could face it, but what if it hurts? (I have just noticed that 2 words that are very interchangeable for me are hurt and disappointment. How to accept disappointment without hurting and how to set myself up for success I think are 2 huge things I will have to face)

My mom has been trying to teach me that it's not the destination that matters, but the journey to get there. The disappointments in life color our journey. Just because something doesn't turn out the way you expect doesn't make it a failure. It makes it an event. Something that happened that minutely or majorly changed the course of our journey. I got beat up when I was in Grade 10. I'm still not really sure why. This minutely changed my journey as it's the reason I ended up changing high schools. I had a baby when I was seventeen. This majorly changed the course of my journey as it started my quest to find the truth about God and be true to myself. I married a winderful man. This changed the course of my life, but I'm still finding out the impact it's had. The truth would be easier to take if I stopped thinking of it in good andbad, pain and joy, black and white, all or nothing. Instead if I were to see the truth that is my life as an event that is good for some, bad for others and for others just a blip on the radar it would be a lot easier to take.

Friend

I am glad we got to talk. I was afraid things would be strained between us after you hurt me, but the way you and I talk is amazing. There is an understanding about life and journeys that I share with no one else. I hope we get more opportunities for talks like that. Remember that you are dear to both me and God.

Landini Cadence

You asked for it so here it is. My next post.

In a typical Medieval cadence, a major sixth musical interval is expanded to an octave by having each note move outwards one step. In Landini's version, an escape tone in the upper voice narrows the interval briefly to a perfect fifth before the octave.

So I heard a cadence coming in my life. The chords were progressing from the I to the IV to the ii. I knew the V and the I were next. I was quitting school and focusing on TELUS. Leading worship would not be a major part of my life anymore. Just as I had this figured out and I thought I knew what God was doing, he had other plans for me. He has just shown me that what I thought was a final, perfect, closing cadence, was actually more like Landini's version. I brief change which affected the texture of the music, the mindset I approached my craft with. I went to choir at Glenmore over a month ago and I thought it was going to be some epiphany type experience where God showed me that yes, this was the path I was supposed to be on. Instead, it was one of the most confusing and terrifying experiences of my life. Previous to joining Glenmore Temple, I was advised not to share the experiences I had at Pavillion as it may affect their first impression of me. One thing I know very well is that I'm not very good at keeping secrets. People could tell I was an experienced singer right away and encouraged me to take the leap to sing with them in front of the congregation the following Sunday. The leader made sure I knewthat would not be the case, but the fear crept in so quietly that I didn't even notice it until I had missed the next 3 weeks of choir. I felt so bad about it that I didn't feel right about talking to the choir leader, especially since she was on her 1 month of maternity leave having her 3rd child. The pastor and I have had some difficulty getting together so I couldn't share my experience with her. In a nut shell, I was terrified of even speaking to people in leadership because of how hurt and manipulated I felt by the last church I went to. I know that the people in this church aren't following selfish ambitions and I know they are not going to hurt me like the other ones did, but I think the thing that stopped me from getting back on my feet was that I was afraid I had disobeyed by not going back to choir. Nowhere did God say without question that I was to be in choir, but he did impress it on my heart that I was to try to get back into leadership eventually. What if I was due for another repentant conversion experience? I don't like them because their exhausting and I always feel like a worm at least for a moment during the experience. I love that God has forgiven me and I would hate to have another mark to look back on. God showed me that I'm okay. When I'm faced with my own possible disobedience, I am reminded of how much of a wretch I thought I was when I was a teenager and he showed me that that's not me anymore. I am no longer the prodigal. His grace isn't amazing because of how much of a wretch I am, his grace is so amazing because I have been restored. My voice is not heard among the scoffers anymore. Instead I sit with the angels crying Holy, holy, holy. God will restore me to my calling when I am ready. He needed to show me that not all church leaders can be trusted. Now he needs to show me that there are some church leaders that can be trusted. You'd think this would be an easier journey. At least I know that I am spending it at the foot of the throne instead of the foot of the cross.

The grieving process or sheer frustration?

So I've noticed that I am having a sever anger response to this decision to stop going to school.Is it that I am grieving a dream that I have chased since I was very young? I don't think so. I think it is more that I am frustrated that in a place where the people teaching me claim to be passionate about helping people find and realize their calling, I had to discover myown learning style and if I want to continue on this path, I have to rewrite my classes and assignments to do it.I'm not willing to pay thousands of dollars to a "school" to rewrite the curriculum and teach myself the concepts 2 weeks after the other students have already gotten it. I honestly don't feel that God would make it this difficult to achieve the goals. I feel like God has used my learning style to put up a triple thick, concrete wall in front of me so I can see that this is not the path he chose for me. It was a path I had to take to learn who I am and what has challenged me in both past and present. ******* I don't think my problem is that I am admitting that I have a different learning style and feeling stuck. I think I'm angry that I want to study playing by ear, chording, improv andplaying for the sheer pleasure of playing. As of yet, I have not gotten the chance to do this. If I continue in my degree, I have to study READING classical music, studying theory and history. All I want to do is play and enjoy playing and I can learn that from a piano teacher. I don't have to spend thousands of dollars on a degree I will never use it to do it. I am frustrated at myself for believing I have to have a degree in music to do anything with my life and I am frustrated at whoever gave me that belief for makingme waste the last 7 years of my life.

The Cadence

What do you do when without any intervention from you, the song that has always been your life begins coming to a close? You begin to hear the harmonies drawing to a cadence before you have even reached the what you thought the climax would be. The harmonies begin to disfigure and the song you thought your life would write is a completely different genre than you thought it would be. I spent my childhood working diligently on my music to get better, to achieve my dream of being a concert pianist. Music was the only thing I was ever recognized for as unique. The honours grades in piano came seemingly effortlessly. I had to work on the piano and practice to get the grades I did, but it was like the world was at peace when I was doing it. If I focused on something else, it didn't work. Somewhere along the way, I grew tired of other people expecting me to finish my music. I had never done anything else that people noticed so I was afraid that if I quit music, I would fall into the background. Something shifted about 5 years ago. I can't put my finger on it, but the world is only right when I am playing music with my closest friends in a band.It happens so rarely that I forget, but I know what I am to do with my music, I have to accept that I am not supposed to do it the way I thought. I thought I would do my music degree and start studying jazz and become this world class piano player, but I was never wired to entertain. I entertain in that I provide the meal and the space that brings people together, but I don't live my life to make people laugh and feel the need to put a smile on peoples' faces. I was made to love. Sometimes a smile is not what is needed. Sometimes you need a place where it is okay to hurt and take time to heal, but if you smile while that's happening that's okay too. I was created to facilitate that process. God doesn't want me to go out and find people who are hurting and fill my life with fixing their problems. He wants me to exist. To create a haven of love for me, my husband, my friends and my family where we all feel loved and accepted and as people come into that haven, they too will begin to heal from their journey. I don't ned school to do that. It comes naturally. Every breath I take is devoted to making it a little easier for someone to take just one more breath. I could workuntil my fingers bleed to become the best pianist ever and it's not going to make a difference in the long run. I have known mycalling since I was very young. I love the lost. When I stand before God on the day of judgement, he is not going to ask me how many concerts I played. He is going to ask me how many hearts I helped to heal as that is his calling on my life. It's hard to abandon the one thing you have thought to be your calling forever. It's funny cause God didn't tell me my real calling, I just knew what it was and did it right from the time I was about 5 years old. I was the Grade 2 kid who beat up grade sixes for picking on the deaf kids in our school. I was the one who gave up my sandwich for the kid who forgot their lunch. I was the one who looked out for girls at risk for becoming prostitutes. I was the one who accepted the utterly broken and destitute when they had nothing to give and tried desperately to show them how much they really had. These are the things I do every day without batting an eyelash. When music is so difficult and the path to being a musician takes away the energy I use to love people, does it make senseto continue? I don't think so. The question is what about hte work I have already invested? What abou the tens of thousands of dollars I have invested in becoming a musician? What about the expectations people had for me to become a musician? I can't continue to chase a dream to fulfill someone else's expectations. I will end up withered and broken and unable to fulfill my true calling. As for the investment, I don't think it has been for naught. When I was a teenager, the music was what got me through. I went back to my music when I was hurting the most and it gave me the strength to push through some of the toughest experiences of my life. Without the music, I wouldn't have survived growing up. Without the music degree, I wouldn't have been pushed to really come to understand myself and my expectations and dreams. The true knowledge of self I have been granted over the past few years would not have come if I hadn't started my degree and chased this dream. I have been pushed to know my boundaries and know myself. I have been pushed to seek out God's real calling on my life and figure out what he wants me to do with it. God has provided me a stable job that I am extremely good at and a house that has plenty of room for both friends and family. We can help out those who are hurting and need a retreat as well as begin to raise a family and teach them what it means to truly love. I can continue to use my talents at church in a way thatwill glorify God and bring people together. I don't want to be a worship leader. It's extremely uncomfortable being in front of people in somewhat unpredictable situations. I can sing in the choir or possiblyplay for the band, but I don't need a degree to do it. The degree is not what makes me smart enough to do my job. The degree equips me to excel in a leadership position which at this point I am not interested in. I am struggling because when I started at Rocky, I seriously thought God was calling me tobe an evangelist and music pastor. I now question that. Maybe he had to call me to that to get me to start working on the things I have worked on this year. Maybe I had to answer that calling so I could get to the place of broken trust in his providence. Maybe our calling changes from time to time. So do I quit in the middle and just hang up my boots and leave, or do I fight to the bitter end and try desperately to make something out of something I'm not really interested in. I have paid good money for these courses, but I am going to fail them anyways because of my commitment to work. I won't be able to work through this one alone.

Silence is Golden

So I have a terrible tendancy to do too much in life. I want to do so many things, I never get anything done. I was doing good last summer with keeping a balance and being firm with my boundaries, but now, I am overworked at school, overworked at work, being asked to join several ministries at church. The silence here is not a silence of avoidance, but asilence of activity. I am terribly missing each and every one of my friends who are so diligent about checking on my personal health. I'm glad I have friends who care so much about me. I am into a new season in my life. I used to panic at every event about the pain and frustration that it might bring, but I have moved to a place where I know God is only letting me feel the kind of pain I can handle. If I can't handle it, I am to leave it in his hands. The journey to relinquishing my fears and desires to him has been extremely long and at times very painful. It has meant that I am constantly faced with choosing between my desires and God's. Ultimately, if we have a desire that conflicts with God's, what does it gainus to pursue it? He will not make the way light if it is not his will and he will not bless the endeavour. Knowing that God has only our best interests in mind, and knowing that he constantly dotes on us, looking for an opportunity to bless us no matter how roundabout that opportunity becomes, I am amazed that I survived my own selfishness. My Lord has given me the desires of my heart because I said to him, you can have yours first. I never realized that he was always working to get me those desires, but making sure that I would appreciate them when I got there. My heart comes before God grateful. My cup keeps running and running and running and no matter how many times I remind him that he is wasting the wine, he insists on pouring it still. I serve a God who calms fears and teaches us how to love and fellowship. How great is He? The friends in my life could never be traded for anything in the world. They are more important to me than anything and I love them very much. That means you too Jennybenny. I turn my eyes to the saviour and know that I will survive this world and go to see him someday. I'll write more when I get time, but it has been a blessed journey with the help of my spiritual guide.