The Talk

So I had "the talk" with my pastor today. I have been dreading this for a long time. I have been feeling the pull to become a more integral part of this church family but given my previous church experiences, I have been afraid to. I want to be considered for leadership, but I don't want to be pushed too quickly. I would like the journey to "leader" to take a while so I can really enjoy every part of it. I wasn't sure what would happen. My church is considering hiring a worship leader who would be in charge of leading the music every week and organizing the teams who help with that task. It's exactly what I see myself doing in the future, but I'm definitely not ready to do it now. I still need time for mentorship and I need to make a commitment to this church and show them that I am part of their family no matter whether I am in leadership or not. I have been spending more time in the throne room lately since God took my Satan coat off (more to come on that later). I still feel a little lost even when I am there, not sure whether to kneel in the presence of the most high God or stand proud as a child of the King. Kind of confused. I'm trying to figure out what true humility is and how to live it every day. I walk a thin line between pride and arrogance. I am at the same time confidant of what Iknow and arrogant about those same things. On the other hand, I still know pretty much nothing. The little bits I have managed to truly learn over the years, really don't amount to a lot. It would be nice if I could just take off my me coat and put ona Godly me coat but that wouldn't be me either. Hopefully I didn't lose you. The coats are who is speaking loudest in my life. Recently, through a spiritual exercise with my spiritual director, I determined that Satan got his hands on me again and had me deceived. My place is in the throne room no matter how stupid I am being and no matter how convoluted my thought processes. I can stand most confidantly when I have been in the throne room worshipping. I thought I had myself convinced that I had to learn how to juggle all those things that get us too busy to pray and distracted from our real purpose before I could come back to the throne room. I realized that I thought it was me telling myself that but in reality, Satan had managed to disguise himself as me. He mimicked my voice so well, I couldn't tell it was him and then he got in so close to me to keep me from sensing my distance from God that I felt like I was wearing him as a coat. Not consciously though. It was kind of strange. I was standing there with God trying to figure out what I needed to do and he grabbed this coat and tore it off me. When I turned around, he had Satan in His hands and I felt so ashamed. How can I keep letting God down like this? He wants me to lead his sheep, but how can anyone lead them when we are so susceptible to Satan's voice? I guess some people just learn how to spend as much time in the throne room as they can. Obviously God knows that I can withstand Satan's influence. He will not let us go through anythingthat will forever tear us from Him. I think He is trying to teach me now how to run back to Him as quickly as I can once I have realized the influence I have been under. It was really awkward. I felt like crap because I knew I had been listening to the wrong voice and knew that the only place I would be safe would be back in the throne room. I dropped the pails of mundane stuff that had been keeping me from God and headed for the throne room, but I couldn't bring my armour with me. God wanted me. Not my defenses, just me. He wanted me to trust Him to keep me safe from the devourer. I stripped off all of my armour as fast as I could and headed for the throne room, but I still didn't feel right there. I brought something in with me that I couldn't identify. I don't know if it was shame, regret, pride or maybe even nothing, but I still didn't feel right even though I knew that's where I needed to be. I've tried to spend some time on it, but I still don't know. I wish I could just be God's muse. I don't want to be a soldier or a pack horse or a minion. I want to be the muse that sits at his feet and listens and loves but never faces the atrocities of the war itself. It'll never happen, but it's a nice thought. Basically, I am going to have to figure out what I think about this war and learn how to stand up for the side I am on otherwise, I will continue going back and forth from the world to the throne room. I wish I knew how to live out of the throne room. Ultimately that is the answer to all of this. Sorry for the ramble, but I had to get it out.

The Movement of Life

So I feel kind of intimidated about writing here now. I realize as I have been focusing on other areas of my life that have directly impacted my life, I miss posting here for very long periods and it isn't until my soul needs a good spring cleaning that I find myself back here. I always feel obligated to try to catch everybody up. It's kind of like when I see my psychologist again after 3 months and she has no idea how much progress my spiritual director and I have made. I don't want this to be a place where I am telling my life story. I want this to be a place where I can work through things. I was hoping that posting here would give my friends who feel better about writing a chance to speak into my life. This blog isn't just about me writing out my issues or advertising the life that I've had. I was hoping this site would be a place to interact. I didn't know how to say that when I started so I am saying it now. If I am posting here, consider it my way of asking you what you think of the major issues in my life. I don't trust the reactions my parents have and when I am hanging out with people, I don't want to spoil the day by seeming self centered and needy. I hope you don't think of this as a homework assignment but more a coffee date.