A new thing to remember

Heard on "House" Nov 27, 2007.

"Never a saint without a past, never a sinner without a future."

I am so high Maintenance

You'd think once someone affirms me and gives me direction that I would be able to take that and run with it. A week ago, my boss gave me some really strong feedback. He let me know that I am doing a great job. I am meeting if not exceeding all expectations for myself. AFter that, you would think I would be able to not worry about how I'm doing. A week after that feedback, I was in tears because I couldn't seem to get my job right. All my manager had to do to get me straightened out again this week was affirm those positive skill sets. After he did that, I was smoking on the phones again. The key is going to be how do I do what my manager did on my own? That will be my next exploration.

The future is here

Apparently my friends think I have mellowed out. I never really thought about it. As I look back, I guess I have. I'm thanking God for it cause that's the only way it could happen. I guess I just realized that every moment of my life is weaving a beautiful tapestry that people will look back on. Before the colors were sporatic and crazy. I have tried to make each moment count now and learned to appreciate each one. just because someone does something that bugs me is no reason to freak out. I am hoping that the colors work better together now and that the weaving pattern is working together. By God's grace, I hope I can look back at the end of my life and see that it has ended up weaving a beautiful picture of Jesus holding me in His arms. I guess we'll see.

The Reason For it All

So I was just going back through all of my old posts and I realized that I haven't made it very clear as to why this blog is called "My Life As A Worship Leader". After I put my daughter up for adoption, I had to try to figure out exactly what it was that God wanted me to do with my life. I spent 2 years working for Fanny's Fabrics and in that time did what I could to seek after God. My Music Pastor, who had also been my Youth Pastor when I was younger, encouraged me to help him out on the worship teams. He was a really skilled musician and I think he was an amazing worship leader too. It would have been cool to learn how to lead worship from him.

In that 2 years, I felt most at home when I was helping out with worship. Whether I was wrapping up cords, playing piano or singing, I felt like I was exactly where God wanted me. I realized that he wanted me to be a worship leader. I looked at some Bible Colleges in town and found the one that sounded right. It had a strong focus on the arts and a drive for excellence. I applied and was soon accepted even though my marks weren't the greatest in High School.

I started at Rocky Mountain College in the fall of 2000. That is where I met 2 of the most amazing women I will ever meet. They wer not professors, but students. Jen and Michelle are possibly 2 of the greatest things that have ever happened to me. They are true friends who don't let me get away with murder. If I am neglecting them, they call me on it. If I am overworked, they let me know and help me get things under control again. The 3 of us started on a journey to get to know God and His will for our lives.

When I started at Rocky, I found out they had a theatre program. I have always loved being the centre of attention and so thought maybe I should do a theatre degree instead of a music degree. I soon realized just how much work it was going to be and after 2 years and being 1 credit away from completing a diploma in theatre arts, I moved on to music. Music has been my love since I was a very little girl. It's probably part of the reason I managed to survive my childhood.

I started my music degree in the winter of 2003. I was excited about becoming a famous musician and maybe fulfilling my promise to my daughter of becoming the lead pianist for the Calgary Philharmonic Orchestra. Someone once told me, if you're going to dream at all, you might as well dream big. Somehoe they convinced me that I could fly if I wanted to. Soon after starting the music portion of my studies, I realized that a worship leader doesn't want to take all the credit for themselves. They want the glory to go to God and the only measure of whether they are succeeding is that the congregation feels like they are meeting God.

I started to realize just how much power a worship leader has and this time it had the opposite effect. I was terrified. I would have run the other way if God wasn't standing behind me making sure I didn't take off. I remembered the power I had on the streets and how many lives I hurt while I wielded it and I seriously rethought my desire to become a worship leader. I have never once waivered from knowing that I am to become a worship leader. I have had moments that I question how God is taking me there, but I always come back to knowing in the bottom of my heart that that is where I need to be.

Being scared of the power I was learning about did strange things to me. I would do all kinds of strange things that would get in the way of me succeeding. I couldn't even break it down for you if I wanted to. Just try to picture a kid who really wants to be a major league baseball player and you try to give him the bat, but because he's afraid of actually getting to where he wants to be, he runs around the field flailing his arms and yelling and screaming. That was what I was like. I have never been one to just lie down and accept defeat. I have had to deal with mental illness, physical, illness, personal confidence issues and many other giants on my path. Since I was a little girl I have remembered David and I know that Goliath lost. Any challenge that seems too great for me, I picture the challenge as goliath and me as David. So far it's worked. As another thorn gets in my path, I pick it out as fast as I can. When I feel like I've been hit with a 2x4, I try to stand up and shake it off. Through the face of adversity I have persevered only because God has given me the strength by reassuring me of what I was to do with my life.

This year I finally got permission from the chair of my program to do my practicum. I didn't go well. I won'tgo into detail abou it, but it was bad noughthat the shool decided to wipe he practicum from my record. I didn't pass, i didn't fail, I was just unprepared and improperly supported. I started this blog towards the end of my practicum as I was realizing it was going to be unsalvagable. I realized that there are some personality quirks that i have that are going to stand in the way of me being a successful worship leader. They weren't significant enough to bring up with a counsellor, but they were substantial enough to interfere with my journey to being a worship leader. I realized that my life as a worship leader doesn't start when I get hired at a church. It starts now. Every decision I make right now affects my future as a worship leader. I needed a place where I could think through the issues I was having and understand myself a lot better. Eah blog entry I make makes me a better worship leader in the future. Each issue I resolve here becomes one less that has to be encountered in the field. As I said, I am not afraid of a challenge. I face it full on. The posts you read here are thing that in the future will be lessons I teach students under me who want to become a worship leader. This becomes my journal of who I was and the power God has over that as well as who I want to become. It becomes my own accountability tool because for some reason, in my mind, nothing is true until it is written down. If you are committed enough to my life to want to see how I grow and chang into becoming a worship leader, this is the best place to do it as the information here is post internal mess, but prerevelation. You will be witness to those grand revelations God gives to everyone on a journey with Him. I am glad to have your company on this journey and your input is very much appreciated though if you choose to stand silently and watch the Potter at work and admire His work when He is finished, you are welcome to do that as well. Thank you for being with me on this journey.

Terror embodied

So there is a reality that I have not wanted to face for a very long time. I may have lost my gift. I haven't commitedly and successfully played piano since before I was beaten up. I wonder if the hits I took to the head when I was beaten up caused some brain damage that wouldn't be recognized. Most people think with a certain amount of their brain. I always found school easy until that day. After that, focusing became nearly impossible and anything that involved both sides of my brain at the same time is a chore. I can't seem to make my fingers do what they are supposed to. When I try to play, I can hear what the music should sound like in my head, but it doesn't sound like that when I try to play it. I know I have to be patient and try to practice, but I'm not used to having to practice very much. The music came to me before as if it was already a part of me. I could master a song in a matter of a month. I have now worked on the same songs for a month and they sound no better to my ears than they did when I began. Kenny Masters wrote a book called Effortless Mastery. He said in there that sometimes you will get to a point when it is about mastering everything at this level. He had a teacher who stopped this thinking. They stopped playing songs altogether. He had to do a 5 finger exercise over and over for his entire practice time. It wasn't about perfecting it or impressing anyone. It was about enjoying the exercise. This is a point that I haven't gotten to yet. I tried to jump in with guns blazing, but I don't think I'm ready yet. I want to go back to grade 7 and remind myself of the songs I loved that year. Grade 7 was the last time I really remember enjoying music. I know I can never completely go back, but maybe if I experience something that used to grab me, kind of like when worship has gone dry, sometimes experiencing something simple that used to light you on fire can reignite the flame.