A Breaking Heart

I am not naming any names here. You will know who you are. I don't want you to feel attacked or pressured. I love you very much and my life without you would mean much less, but I feel like I have to ask. You are a friend who was once a dear friend of God. He spoke through you numerous times before and whether you agree or not, he still does. Your search for God seems to have ended and not in the place I would have expected. I am not afraid for you for you have made your choices and I accept you as you are, but I try to imagine my life without the hope and confidence God gives it and my heart breaks. My strength comes from God so without him, I don't know how you carry your burdens. My joy comes from him so I don't know how you smile. My hope comes from his promise that he has plans for me. Plans for a hope and a future. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I don't know how you find a reason to go on. You haven't said exactly that you aren't a Christian or you don't believe in God anymore, but what I read and our conversations leave me wondering where you are. Our relationship is fragile so I don't want to push you away since I love you very dearly, but I need to know where you are at so I can temper my conversations and expressions accordingly. I am unsure because there are still conditions you place on certain situations that reflect Christian values. So maybe I have misunderstood (as always). I hope you don't feel attacked and I hope you understand why I couldn't ask you in person. I also hope we can havea girl day soon.

Due Warning

FYI guys, I wasn't posting for a long time because someone said my posts are always long winded. It takes too long for me to make them more concise. When I blog, I tend to just sit down and write whatever's in my brain and that's a lot lately. I said when I started this blog I am not apologizing for who I am so I'm not going to start now. Just be aware that reading my blog could take a while. Especially while I get the core ideas out :-)

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And no I don't' mean the cheap alternative to SPAM.

I had a moment on Sunday. My Saviour met me. Or should I say I met my Saviour? Who knows. Either way, I was face to face with Christ...Finally. I have been struggling with surrender lately. It is a concept I have always talked about but rarely been able to do. To completely let God take over the things that challenge me is extremely hard. Can he really handle it? Will he do what's right for me?

He can and He will. It was scary there for a while. I started thinking this was a God who couldn't get me. If I am such a unique human being and everything is made for everyone else, how could he understand? I didn't see the answers to my prayers and I was thinking he didn't answer them. It challenged everything about what I believe. I thought he could move mountains and cared about everything I prayed for?

A couple of months ago, I decided to take a leap. After a conversation with my spiritual director, I started trying to lay everything down. Its not simple. You don't just tell your fingers "Let Go". I have to say let go and fifteen minutes later ask myself why I'm holding it again. I decided that I would tell myself a new story when people hurt me. No longer would I say "they're out to damage me" or "they'll never understand". I started trying to catch myself and say "they made a mistake" or "they understand me a little more now". It has taken a long time, but now my manager speaks to me with respect. He comes to me for input because he values it. My coworkers no longer fear teasing me (a little cause I still get caught off guard and they are trying not to hurt my feelings again). My husband doesn't get scared when I'm not happy. He knows it will pass.

I keep coming back to the song I started writing last year. Being that I am back in school now, I am surrounded by music and musicians and I have naturally started creating again. I think I will try to finish it by next year. Might have also turned itself into the start of a musical. I don't know exactly what about yet, but I could totally see it in Joseph and the technicolor dreamcoat.

The song was called "Surrender" and went like this:

Here I stand on the precipice
The altar calling from the canyon floor below
THe still Dark Night has ended
And it's a long way home

I long to hear your voice from the Chasm
I stand here broken and empty, alone
A whisper on the wind asks me to bend a broken knee
and surrender all I've held on to

I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song

And Surrender

The journey's long and hard and I'm alone
My heartache sorrow and fear weigh me down
I turn my eyes to you to lift the load that burdens me
and seek the rest that only you can bring

I give myself to you in sweet surrender Lord
Put my life in your hands
give my heart to your will
open my spirit to your sweet song

And Surrender

All to Jesus, I surrender
All to Him I freely give
I will ever love and trust Him
In His presence daily live

I Surrender all
I surrender all
all to thee my blessed Saviour
I surrender all.


I can hear the violin solo and the part where it's just an acoustic guitar strumming, but every time I've started to try to record it, things fall apart. I think I am going to record it all myself as I learn how to play the instruments I need. Might take more than a year, but we'll see what happens.

It's hard to tell myself after so many years of "you can't do this" that I can do this and am talented. I am afraid to say things or do things sometimes that other people might think is weird but that means they never get to see the things they wouldn't think are weird.

This week's addition to my picture? I am both humble and creative. I create without even thinking and don't think my work is better than anyone else's but still accord the credit it deserves. Maybe next week I can add outgoing to the list :-)