So I'm back. The longest silences here usually indicate the depest work in my life. When I am going through major personal changes in my life, I get scared to blog about them. It can be overwhelming to think about how much I have changed as a human being over the years. I think back on the decisions I've made, the person I've been, the people I've blessed and hurt and My life is already fuller now than some people's lives will ever be. So you know how when you go skiing on an especially cold day, you wear a whole bunch of layers to make sure you don't get too cold? Well I have been doing some of that here. I peeled back the layers that were my manager that I had trouble dealing with, my eating, my weight, the things I was (and some that I still am) angry at my husband or my dad for. I peeled back the last layer this week. I opened up a layer that didn't reveal a new one. All it revealed was a very sensitive issue that couldn't be resolved in my life. I love my husband very much. He has taken so much crap from me, I don't feel like I ever have the right to ask anything of him. Unfortunately if I truly believed that, it would mean I am going to spend my life miserable. There are some things I need from my husband that are very hard for him, and I can't change them. I don't know what frustrates me more, the helpless feeling I get when I realize that Iam powerless to affect the man I love or the fact that I'm not getting what I want. Basically, everything in my lifecomes down to who is in control? I have to control every situation because that's the only way I can guarantee that I won't get hurt. The frustrating part is that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I get confused and bring up other issues that are just as valid and just as important, but they are not the real issue. I can't seem to resolve this. I want him to lose weight, but I am also overweight. He doesn't see any reason why he should lose weight as he has already gotten along fine the size he is (which is bull because he has trouble breathing, his back hurts and he can't stay on his feet for an extended period of time). He also sees that I am overweight and seemingly am not doing anything about it when I am doing everything in my power to change my eating habits. Imagine trying to stop drinking when you live in a bar. It's really hard to change the lifestyle you have. At this point I am crying because I have to let go of the dream I had for my husband. He will pick it up if he wants to, but it is not my dream to have. I am alone. If I want to lose weight, I have to make the choice to do it and accept the loneliness that will come with it. I will have to leave him behind the way he is and be okay with it if h never chooses to change. I am tired of looking in the miror and hating what I see. I could try to fall in love with myself, but I can't. Notlike this. I am obese and unattractive. I am also beginning to get sick because of the weight. My knees ache after only a few minutes of walking and I can't run more than a few steps with my entire body protesting. I have been scared to lose the weight because I will have to deal with men being attracted to me again and I didn't want to give my husband the competition, but I think I have to do this for me. I can't imprison myself in a body I hate just so he can feel secure that his wife will stay with him. I think he feels like no one else would have me the way I look right now and so I need to take that safety net (crutch) away. I visited my brother and sister in law today. She has also struggled for a long time with her weight. She has been on medications that made her gain weight. She changed the way she was eating and in the last 3 months has lost 30 lbs. She looks frickin fantastic. She's thin and elegant and I am so jealous. Ionly have one option if I want people to think that way about me. I have been cheating on my diet. I have been using a good menu, but I am doubling the serving sizes quite frequently. I am going to have to start weighing and measuring my food until I can retrain my body what proper portion sizes are. I don't love food, I hate food. It made me this size which made me undesirable to men. That was what I needed to get the wrong kind of attention off of me. Now that I know what good attention is and how to get it, I have one option. I need to eat properly. My doctor thinks it is going to take 2 years to get my weight down because he is trying to get me to figure out how many calories I need and then slowly lower it. I am determined. I am going to call the pharmacist tomorrow and find out if there is anything that would take away my appetite and I am going to eat everything on the 1500 calorie menu to the letter. Right now, I am 197 lbs. My end goal is 140. I am going to start with an easy one. According to my calorie program, if I stick to my 1500 calorie diet and walk on the treadmill for half an hour every day, I should be able to lose 2 lbs. by Monday. I will see if I am 195 on Monday. If thatworks then 2 weeks from Monday my goal will be 189. I am going to see how this works. I'll keep you posted.