The Wall

So I figured anyone who is reading this might want an update on what's been going on. It's been a really long time since my last post and a lot has happened. Last time I wrote, I was standing in the kitchen and God was working on the mess that was me. He caught me off guard and taught me that no matter how hard I try, I will still have things abgout me that I don't like and there will be some people that don't like me and that's fine. As I was standing here learning this lesson, I found out what has turned out to be one of the most significant discoveries of my entire lifetime. I have severe AD/HD. Somehow I was never tested growing up, but the specialists say they are surprised it was never caught. Most kids grow out of it but there are some of us who are left with it through adulthood. What does this mean for me? Not a huge difference but it means that I have a better chance of succeeding at the things that matter the most to me now. I started my meds a week ago and have already noticed a huge difference. I think this may solve the problems I have been having at work both with focus and breaks. It's kind of freeing even though it means I will have to be on medication probably for the rest of my life. I mean there are worse things that could happen. What does this mean for you, my friends? Well, first of all, it means I might actually remember your birthday for once. That's always been one of my biggest frustrations. My short term memory has been affected by the AD/HD so now when I think of your birthday 3 weeks before hand, I will actually be able to keep it in my brain and possibly remember to call you on your birthday. Also, it means when we talk about doing projects or getting together, there's a good chance they will get done. It will be a while before I get the ones I've already started done, but I will get there. I still don't like the idea that I'm "broken" (faulty thinking from growing up in my family) but I will get over it as soon as I start seeing the fruits of my labours. I love you all and just so you know I probably won't be posting here very often for a while. God is asking me to go back to blogging this as it was supposed to be when I started. I wanted this to be a blog of my journey towards being a worship leader. Right now, that dream is on hold while other things happen in my life. It may start up again in the fall, but for now, there will only be posts about major things that will affect me becoming a worship leader.

We're Good

There's 2 words that I absolutely love. They are my Hakuna Matata. They mean so much more when put together than what they are alone. It means "Anything you may think you have done wrong, I forgive you for" and "I may not have seen much of you recently but I still care deeply about you" and "even though you're a putz sometimes, I still love you". It means so much to me when someone says "we're good".

I'm sorry friend

I just realized that a very personal and private site was being followed publicly which means if someone went into my profile, they would be able to read that site. I had promised to keep that site a secret and because of me not understanding, I broke that promise. Hopefully no ill has come of it. I hope ou'll forgive me, friend.

And thank you. I appreciate the importance you set on my friendship. We communicate very differently so I wonder sometimes if my part in your life means anythin to you, but to have youdo what youdid and now for you to be suffering as you are because of it, I thank you. I will try to need a little less urgently. Sometimtes I ask thew rold to drop everything for me when I have no right to do so. I hope you can forgive me.

Life seasons

So God was telling me to stop and stay in the kitchen and after my last revelation, that was pretty hard. "What?! I'm not perfect? How dare you insinuate that about me!" Of course that's really not how I feel, but that's kind of my reaction. I've been standing here trying desperately to hide all of the things that I don't like about myself from the Almighty God of the universe (I know. Am I daft?) and he's been asking me to stop and admit that the only way I can overcome my personal challenges is to fully rely on him. Some of the things I have tried to hide are my tendency to use food to comfort me when I am hurting, I take out my frustrations on other people untintentionally (If I'm miserable, well then you might as well be miserable right along with me) and I give people the "right" answer and color things the way I think people want to hear them. They may not seem like major struggles, but when I'm faced witha decision regarding them, I usually regret the decision. So for the last week, I have been trying to change these habits. I have been very careful about what I am eating, I have calculated how much exercise it is going to take to lose all of the weight I've put on from overeating, and I am trying to tell the truth always. I don't want to bombard people with problems but when people ask if Richard and I are going to have kids, instead of saying "well, we've been workin gon it for a while, but it doesn't seem to be happening, I would say, we can't right now. Some day we may be able to but not right now and if people are asking for my time, rather than trying to squeeze them in in the next few weeks, when I will propbably have to cancel due to overbooking anyway, I will say you know what I care a lot about you, but I have a lot on my plate this month. I am trying to get through it so I can spend more time with family and friends. Why don't we try to make some time at the beginning of May? I can't worry about whether other people will feel rejected by me. If I am not intentionally rejecting them, I have to trust that they will hear what I really mean. If they are feeling rejected when I am not rejecting, that is something they have to deal with. It's a bit of a sour point.

So tomorrow is my first weigh in since I have started eating properly and exercising (and man am I sore) but I am hoping to be 191 lbs. or less. We will see how it goes. My goal is to be 175 by May 1. It's a really ambitious goal, but I think I can do it. I just have to take it 1 day at a time and not get overwhelmed by it being a whole month before anything happens. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

The hand of the Lord

The hand of the Lord is heavy on me. He stops me from my spastic interactions with the world. He brings me to a place of genuine worship. He sets aside all those things I think are important and brings to center the one thing that is important. Genuine, broken worship of Jesus Christ in whatever way we are lead. My heart is open here. Fearfully, I come, assuredly I stand and go. Here I remember first that nothing else matters than that only through him can I truly succeed at the other things. Lord I am blessed to be in your presence now.



He presses on me then gently carresses me. I find myself in teh palm of his hand. Reassured and comforted, he is the Father I never knew.



Have you ever listened to a really good music group? Have you seen how they listen to each other? You can see teh leader listening to the whole thang and they know what each note sounds like. A really good group needs no conductor. Theyeach can hear when it is time to swell or decay. That is how we must be with the master. If we want to make our worship into sweet music with him, then we must listen for how that worship should go. Worship does not begin with us but with God. He places the desire in us to worship and fans the flames when we are ready. All we can do is when we feelthe call to worship, to bolt for the throne room and wait. God will show us exactly what we need to know and when we need to act.

Random Rambles of a Very Lost Girl

An ever open door to know our saviour more in the presence of our Lord.

I don't want to be Hole, I don't want to be righteous. I want to live my life in the Bosom of my Father, my beloved and my friend. I don't want to be set apart by my actions. I want to be set apart because of where my heart lives. I love my Father and I don't understand how to bring my world into the throne room. I don't want to live my life setting myself apart from the world. I want to bring my God into the world, loving him and introducing him to the people around me.

A heart full of fear and uncertainty has no place in the throne room. Where is the bold faith of my youth? How can I remove the fear?. The guilt is on teh table already. The vengeance was purified. I am afraid I will hurt again or that I will return to that room and God won't be there. I see the vision he has given me, but he has not put people in my life that saw the gifts while they were growing. I know they are there, not because of my own ambitions but because whenever I have gone to the throne room, I have found it. I don't want rules and regulations. I want a relationship. I don't know what that looks like. I need this relationship to help me follow the rules that have been placed in my life.

Church should be focused on God, but that doesn't mean you can't look through each other to see him.

A Prayer of the Lost

How is it that so often I find my knees stiff again? I wish to live my life in submission to God but so many times there are so many things vying for my attention. The last time someone in a church hurt me, I separated church from God in my heart. Going to church didn't necessarily lead to the throne room so it wasn't necessary for my faith. I am not alone and I am not in the dark, but I am surrounded by darkness. I don't like it. I have made excuses for different aspects of my life not being in submission to God. I have justified it by saying that I am learning tolerance, I think it is to put away childish things again.

The things I leave on the table outside:

-My Pride
-My dreams - this one is hard. Lord, help me to set aside my dreams for now. You are not asking me to forget about them, just to wait for you to fulfill them.
-my expectations

Lord, I am afraid to be on my face again, but that is where you love me. Prostrated begins with my knees and my heart. Lord, I confess to you my fear, my pride and my anxiety. I come naked and burdened to the floor of the throne room. I leave my wants at the door. Help me to come back to you. Help me to live from the throne room. Trusting in you to renew me. Help me to see your will Lord and help me to be okay with what you don't show me.Thank you for my family. The people who already care enough to look in on me when I am troubled. Help me to reach out to them rather than try to hide. I love you and am glad you have saved me from myself. Remind me daily of the things you want from me.

Friend

I miss you. You do not include me when you talk about your friends and the people who are important to you, or at least I don't hear it. It is not until I become pushy that you think of me. You have always been so special to me and I have come to love you like a beloved family member. I have tried to be patient and supportive and to show you real love, but you don't want it for some reason. I would never abandon you, but when I call your name, you don't even look at me. How did I end up so alone?

Kitchen additions

Alright so I have been in the kitchen for 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I have usually gone to the healing room, the throne room, the terrace and back to the throne room by now. Looking back at my last post, I jumped the gun a little bit. Before you can love someone, you have to like them first. You like someone, then you love them, then its okay not to like them sometimes because you love them but you can learn to like them again. THat whole learning how to love myself is a project for another day. THe first project is to truly stand in the kitchen adn like me. My problem with the kitchen is that it is who I am right now. It is selfishness, jealousy, greed and loathing. It is the family I have grown up with and am ashamed of their inability to love each other. It is the face that looks back in the mirror that shows the years of mistreatment. It is teh girl who was able to manipulate people from the age of 7 into doing exactly what she wanted no matter what the consequences for them were. I want God to love teh person I want to be. I want God to take this person that I am out of the picture and start from scratch. The kitchen is about him telling me that's not going to happen. The appliances are chrome and buffed to such a high polished shine that I can see myself as if in a mirror. Had he brought me to the bathroom and said look in the mirror, I would have looked in teh mirror but at him. He caught me off guard, face to face with myself. This is where the healing room, the throne room and the terrace begin. Until I can take this picture of myself into the healing room with me instead of the person I want to be, I will have to stay in the kitchen. I wish I could leave it all behind. I'm making a mess of the kitchen now. THe things I don't like about myself are dripping off of me like ooze. They're pooling on teh floor in such a puddle I can't clean it up. I'm not even trying to. I have tears in my eyes and I'm looking up at God asking why? And he is saying because this is who I love.

An update in the kitchen

If you haven't read My House God's House yet, please do so before continuing as this may not make any sense if you haven't

http://fellclutchofcircumstance.blogspot.com/2008/12/my-house-gods-house.html

So after meeting with my spiritual director last week, I finally have a little more understanding of the kitchen. Oddly enough, it has nothing to with eating, friendship, fellowship or creating. It has everything to do with being here and waiting. Getting used to the season of today. I tried to go to the healing room last week and God brought me back. He gently reminded me as I tried to leave that I am to be in the kitchen waiting. I am not held against my will. I want to be here. I can leave if I want...and that is the key. Remember a few months ago I was ranting about how much I hate PMS? I hate it because I become a different person when I am PMSing. I am just more sensitive to it than other people so it feels like I become a terrible person, but really it's just that I get in a bad mood. In my head, I have to be in a good mood when I am in the House or in the presence of other people for that matter. When I am in a bad mood, I think nasty thoughts about people like getting frustrated with the girl that sits in front of me because she swears all the time about things that don't really matter or getting selfish and not understanding why my husband won't spend every second thinking of me and anticipating every need I am going to have. I like myself. I am kind, understanding and gentle. I try my best to love people the way God loves them (sometimes needing a second attempt). For the most part, I am pretty cool...for 2 weeks out of the month. My PMS is long and severe and causes a rift between me and God that is only there in my head. The waiting in the kitchen is about Him wanting me to still be here when I am PMSing. That side of me, no matter how undesirable, is still a part of me. Even though I don't like the way I react to people half of the month, God wants me to stay in the House anyway. In the past, as soon as I started feeling it, I left the House. I didn't want God to know that that side of me existed (yeah I know. Psalm 139). The journey over the last few years has been long but sweet. I have learned that not only does God love me, but I can love me too. There is nothing wrong with knowing that you can walk into a room of strangers and given enough time, you will click with someone. I think what we are working on now is being okay with who I am no matter what. First I had to come to terms with my capacity to love, now I have to come to terms with my capacity to love me. I'm actually kind of scared this month. I don't want God to see how jealous and mean I can get. Even though I know in my head that he sees everything, a part of me still thinks he won't see it if I leave the House. I have always just left the House and the throne room when I don't consider myself worthy to be there. The kitchen is about Him wanting me to stand before Him as I am. I am not answering for anything, I am just supposed to stand here and be. Be myself, be His child and be loved. The kitchen is uncomfortable for me. There is so much I could be doing here. I could prepare a meal for friends, I could nourish myself, I could cook with the King, but instead, I am to stand here and be loved by the King. Still not liking it too much. God give me the grace to learn this lesson. Show me how to love myself even when it is hard so I can then do the same with other people.