So it finally happened. Brandy Kittle materialized back in my life. It was only for a few seconds but it was enough. Brandy was the girl who led the group of prostitutes who tried to kill me when I was 16. For years after the fight, I dreaded seeing her again, afraid that she would enact some decades long vendetta against me. I was eventually able to hand those fears over to God and even forgave her for what she had done. I told myself if I ever saw her again, I wouldn't let her own me. I wouldn't even act like I knew her. If either of us relived that day, it would be her and I would be able to honestly say I had won. She held no power over me...
That's what I thought at least. I was at Dairy Queen for lunch today. When I was just about finished my lunch, waiting at the counter for my sundae, I looked over and saw her standing at the counter. It wasn't just someone that MIGHT have been her. It WAS her. Same ruddy complexion, same scar on her neck, same crooked nose, same sneer in her eyes. There was no mistaking it was her.
Thankfully, I didn't have the expected PTSD fear response. I wasn't afraid she would do something to me or somehow try to insert herself back into my life. There was no fear whatsoever, but I did have a strong response. For just a few seconds, I was transported back to 1996 in Prince's Island Park. Brief though it was, my world still listed as I re-felt the kicks and punches to my head and body. I reeled again at the bright light as she slammed my head into the rock and vehemently informed me that if I didn't stop protecting my head she would make sure the next blow killed me. I relived the shame I felt as I politely tried to get the construction worker's attention, asking him quietly if he could please call me an ambulance (you see this was back before everyone and their dog carried their own cell phone).
As I righted myself and my world, I was determined not to let her win. With God as my strength, I would die before I went home from work, but I spent the day trying not to think about the fear I lived in for a decade after the fight, the problems I started having in school, not being able to get my degree, and the moderate anxiety I feel to this day being in downtown Calgary.
The learning I took from today was that the devil hasn't won because I didn't respond in fear, anger, or spite, but he still has a foothold in the sorrow I can still feel for the life Brandy took from me. I am just as determined today as I was back then that I will not let this be my downfall. I have already risen from the ashes of that day, triumphantly trusting in the will of God to help others recover from situations like mine. The flames had died down to hot coals with flames revealing themselves here and there (that's a good thing if you don't know about good survival fires). This has only stoked the fire again, providing fuel for me to stand up and help others win their own battles with violence and mistreatment.
"They who wait on the Lord will renew their strength. They will mount up with wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31
"Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest for your souls. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me for I am gentle and humble in heart and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light." Mathew 11:28-30
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Sunday 27 August 2017
Tuesday 2 May 2017
Sunday 15 January 2017
Sabbatical?
So I forgot which email I use to access this blog so haven't been able to post for a while. Needless to say, I finally got it back so hi again.
What's up with me you ask? Well here's the cliff notes version. I've been working at Best Buy Canada for almost 2 years, even though my doctor said 8 years ago that I would never be able to hold down a job. My husband and I have been working with a financial manager for 6 months and finally got our finances under control. Apparently we weren't spending irresponsibly, it's just really expensive to live in Calgary. I went through a weight loss training program supported by Alberta health with my husband and discovered that pretty much everything I was doing was wrong. We adjusted our habits and now I am starting to practice good habits that will be permanent changes so I don't end up fighting with my weight again. I finally got a new coach and am starting to get the housework under control. We have new tenants so our financial outlook is even better than stable. We may actually be able to start paying my parents back for helping to pay my tuition.
**To Mom and Dad: No that's not a promise, but know that I am trying.**
So needless to say, things are going really well right now. The biggest challenge I'm having is letting God stay in control of kaiRos. We tried to do a test run this summer and learned a lot of things. The method we are proposing is extremely promising based on the limited, biased sample we were able to work with. I am now working to become part of something called the lived experience program. It takes patients and pairs them up with research teams so the patients can recommend research topics that are actually relevant and influential to their experience. It means there will be less studies about what colour of clothes people with depression wear and more studies about what medications and therapeutic methods are actually useful. It's going well, but it takes time and patience is not one of my strongest virtues.
One of the things I am doing to keep God in control of my life, is I am following a study my church is doing on a book called The Story. It is a story version of the Bible as opposed to the standard regurgitation of the previously written texts. It helps to bring context to the passages and understand it as a historical heritage to be lived and remembered as opposed to an ancient relic to be revered for its age and controversy. We get regular journal topics to do through the week so I will post those conversations here so you can join me on the journey.
To those of you still with me, thank you for your support over the years. It has been a long road and I am glad to be on the journey with you.
Blessings,
Lady K
What's up with me you ask? Well here's the cliff notes version. I've been working at Best Buy Canada for almost 2 years, even though my doctor said 8 years ago that I would never be able to hold down a job. My husband and I have been working with a financial manager for 6 months and finally got our finances under control. Apparently we weren't spending irresponsibly, it's just really expensive to live in Calgary. I went through a weight loss training program supported by Alberta health with my husband and discovered that pretty much everything I was doing was wrong. We adjusted our habits and now I am starting to practice good habits that will be permanent changes so I don't end up fighting with my weight again. I finally got a new coach and am starting to get the housework under control. We have new tenants so our financial outlook is even better than stable. We may actually be able to start paying my parents back for helping to pay my tuition.
**To Mom and Dad: No that's not a promise, but know that I am trying.**
So needless to say, things are going really well right now. The biggest challenge I'm having is letting God stay in control of kaiRos. We tried to do a test run this summer and learned a lot of things. The method we are proposing is extremely promising based on the limited, biased sample we were able to work with. I am now working to become part of something called the lived experience program. It takes patients and pairs them up with research teams so the patients can recommend research topics that are actually relevant and influential to their experience. It means there will be less studies about what colour of clothes people with depression wear and more studies about what medications and therapeutic methods are actually useful. It's going well, but it takes time and patience is not one of my strongest virtues.
One of the things I am doing to keep God in control of my life, is I am following a study my church is doing on a book called The Story. It is a story version of the Bible as opposed to the standard regurgitation of the previously written texts. It helps to bring context to the passages and understand it as a historical heritage to be lived and remembered as opposed to an ancient relic to be revered for its age and controversy. We get regular journal topics to do through the week so I will post those conversations here so you can join me on the journey.
To those of you still with me, thank you for your support over the years. It has been a long road and I am glad to be on the journey with you.
Blessings,
Lady K
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