The grieving process or sheer frustration?

So I've noticed that I am having a sever anger response to this decision to stop going to school.Is it that I am grieving a dream that I have chased since I was very young? I don't think so. I think it is more that I am frustrated that in a place where the people teaching me claim to be passionate about helping people find and realize their calling, I had to discover myown learning style and if I want to continue on this path, I have to rewrite my classes and assignments to do it.I'm not willing to pay thousands of dollars to a "school" to rewrite the curriculum and teach myself the concepts 2 weeks after the other students have already gotten it. I honestly don't feel that God would make it this difficult to achieve the goals. I feel like God has used my learning style to put up a triple thick, concrete wall in front of me so I can see that this is not the path he chose for me. It was a path I had to take to learn who I am and what has challenged me in both past and present. ******* I don't think my problem is that I am admitting that I have a different learning style and feeling stuck. I think I'm angry that I want to study playing by ear, chording, improv andplaying for the sheer pleasure of playing. As of yet, I have not gotten the chance to do this. If I continue in my degree, I have to study READING classical music, studying theory and history. All I want to do is play and enjoy playing and I can learn that from a piano teacher. I don't have to spend thousands of dollars on a degree I will never use it to do it. I am frustrated at myself for believing I have to have a degree in music to do anything with my life and I am frustrated at whoever gave me that belief for makingme waste the last 7 years of my life.

The Cadence

What do you do when without any intervention from you, the song that has always been your life begins coming to a close? You begin to hear the harmonies drawing to a cadence before you have even reached the what you thought the climax would be. The harmonies begin to disfigure and the song you thought your life would write is a completely different genre than you thought it would be. I spent my childhood working diligently on my music to get better, to achieve my dream of being a concert pianist. Music was the only thing I was ever recognized for as unique. The honours grades in piano came seemingly effortlessly. I had to work on the piano and practice to get the grades I did, but it was like the world was at peace when I was doing it. If I focused on something else, it didn't work. Somewhere along the way, I grew tired of other people expecting me to finish my music. I had never done anything else that people noticed so I was afraid that if I quit music, I would fall into the background. Something shifted about 5 years ago. I can't put my finger on it, but the world is only right when I am playing music with my closest friends in a band.It happens so rarely that I forget, but I know what I am to do with my music, I have to accept that I am not supposed to do it the way I thought. I thought I would do my music degree and start studying jazz and become this world class piano player, but I was never wired to entertain. I entertain in that I provide the meal and the space that brings people together, but I don't live my life to make people laugh and feel the need to put a smile on peoples' faces. I was made to love. Sometimes a smile is not what is needed. Sometimes you need a place where it is okay to hurt and take time to heal, but if you smile while that's happening that's okay too. I was created to facilitate that process. God doesn't want me to go out and find people who are hurting and fill my life with fixing their problems. He wants me to exist. To create a haven of love for me, my husband, my friends and my family where we all feel loved and accepted and as people come into that haven, they too will begin to heal from their journey. I don't ned school to do that. It comes naturally. Every breath I take is devoted to making it a little easier for someone to take just one more breath. I could workuntil my fingers bleed to become the best pianist ever and it's not going to make a difference in the long run. I have known mycalling since I was very young. I love the lost. When I stand before God on the day of judgement, he is not going to ask me how many concerts I played. He is going to ask me how many hearts I helped to heal as that is his calling on my life. It's hard to abandon the one thing you have thought to be your calling forever. It's funny cause God didn't tell me my real calling, I just knew what it was and did it right from the time I was about 5 years old. I was the Grade 2 kid who beat up grade sixes for picking on the deaf kids in our school. I was the one who gave up my sandwich for the kid who forgot their lunch. I was the one who looked out for girls at risk for becoming prostitutes. I was the one who accepted the utterly broken and destitute when they had nothing to give and tried desperately to show them how much they really had. These are the things I do every day without batting an eyelash. When music is so difficult and the path to being a musician takes away the energy I use to love people, does it make senseto continue? I don't think so. The question is what about hte work I have already invested? What abou the tens of thousands of dollars I have invested in becoming a musician? What about the expectations people had for me to become a musician? I can't continue to chase a dream to fulfill someone else's expectations. I will end up withered and broken and unable to fulfill my true calling. As for the investment, I don't think it has been for naught. When I was a teenager, the music was what got me through. I went back to my music when I was hurting the most and it gave me the strength to push through some of the toughest experiences of my life. Without the music, I wouldn't have survived growing up. Without the music degree, I wouldn't have been pushed to really come to understand myself and my expectations and dreams. The true knowledge of self I have been granted over the past few years would not have come if I hadn't started my degree and chased this dream. I have been pushed to know my boundaries and know myself. I have been pushed to seek out God's real calling on my life and figure out what he wants me to do with it. God has provided me a stable job that I am extremely good at and a house that has plenty of room for both friends and family. We can help out those who are hurting and need a retreat as well as begin to raise a family and teach them what it means to truly love. I can continue to use my talents at church in a way thatwill glorify God and bring people together. I don't want to be a worship leader. It's extremely uncomfortable being in front of people in somewhat unpredictable situations. I can sing in the choir or possiblyplay for the band, but I don't need a degree to do it. The degree is not what makes me smart enough to do my job. The degree equips me to excel in a leadership position which at this point I am not interested in. I am struggling because when I started at Rocky, I seriously thought God was calling me tobe an evangelist and music pastor. I now question that. Maybe he had to call me to that to get me to start working on the things I have worked on this year. Maybe I had to answer that calling so I could get to the place of broken trust in his providence. Maybe our calling changes from time to time. So do I quit in the middle and just hang up my boots and leave, or do I fight to the bitter end and try desperately to make something out of something I'm not really interested in. I have paid good money for these courses, but I am going to fail them anyways because of my commitment to work. I won't be able to work through this one alone.

Silence is Golden

So I have a terrible tendancy to do too much in life. I want to do so many things, I never get anything done. I was doing good last summer with keeping a balance and being firm with my boundaries, but now, I am overworked at school, overworked at work, being asked to join several ministries at church. The silence here is not a silence of avoidance, but asilence of activity. I am terribly missing each and every one of my friends who are so diligent about checking on my personal health. I'm glad I have friends who care so much about me. I am into a new season in my life. I used to panic at every event about the pain and frustration that it might bring, but I have moved to a place where I know God is only letting me feel the kind of pain I can handle. If I can't handle it, I am to leave it in his hands. The journey to relinquishing my fears and desires to him has been extremely long and at times very painful. It has meant that I am constantly faced with choosing between my desires and God's. Ultimately, if we have a desire that conflicts with God's, what does it gainus to pursue it? He will not make the way light if it is not his will and he will not bless the endeavour. Knowing that God has only our best interests in mind, and knowing that he constantly dotes on us, looking for an opportunity to bless us no matter how roundabout that opportunity becomes, I am amazed that I survived my own selfishness. My Lord has given me the desires of my heart because I said to him, you can have yours first. I never realized that he was always working to get me those desires, but making sure that I would appreciate them when I got there. My heart comes before God grateful. My cup keeps running and running and running and no matter how many times I remind him that he is wasting the wine, he insists on pouring it still. I serve a God who calms fears and teaches us how to love and fellowship. How great is He? The friends in my life could never be traded for anything in the world. They are more important to me than anything and I love them very much. That means you too Jennybenny. I turn my eyes to the saviour and know that I will survive this world and go to see him someday. I'll write more when I get time, but it has been a blessed journey with the help of my spiritual guide.