An epiphany

a realization that came to me while watching armageddon. I turned to Mike and said out of the blue

"I just realized why I struggle with humility. I think all smart people do."

Maintenance

So, I'm finally okay with and completely unoffended when someone calls me high maintenance. I used to try to change that and be "independant" but the issues I've been having with my manager have shown me that I am and will always be high maintenance. There's a negative conotation to the phrase. IT says "Stay away from me cause I'm needy and will sap your resources." Unfortunately that's not the case. I may need a little more time than other people but I don't ask for all of it. I need my friends to talk to me regularly, I need my bosses to give me feedback weekly, I need my husband to tell me he loves me hourly. Until recently that wasn't okay for me. I felt like I had to change that. My manager said to me a little while ago "Leah, you are so high maintenance" and instead of my usual instant defensiveness, I just looked at him intently without even thinking and said "yeah, I know I'm high maintenance and you knew that coming into this." I'm actually shocked that I would be confidant enough to just come out with it. Especially with the difficulties we had been having. It's strange to look in the mental mirror and react with fondness instead of repulsion. It has happened gradually, but it is happening. I can't wait until I have lost all the extra weight I have and can really look in the mirror and say I'm satisfied. It's not like I berate myself or hate who I am. I am beautiful just the way I am, but I definitely wish I was thiner. And it's not a vanity thing anymore. It used to be that I equated being thin with being pretty, but now it is more of a mental association with the choices I've been making to try to cope with things over the last few years. I don't see the fat that bulges over belts and bras, I see the need to turn to food for comfort, to find every way possible to feel good. This week has been amazing. I have stuck to my diet better than ever and I have gone swimming or walking every day. I've made a point of taking care of myself and the house and have even worn dresses all week (makes a difference when you're a girly girl you know). I've really felt like I am not myself with all the weight I have to lose. I feel inside like a person who is strong and confident and doesn't have to turn to food for comfort, but I lok outside like someone who is strong and confidant and is coping with the fact that food has been my comfort. It doesn't help that I have times during my monthly cycle that I just have to eat something that will distract me from the bad feelings. I think that's it right there. My problem is not that there is an empty ache that I don't know how to fill, my problem is that I have feelings of anger and fear and depression that I don't know how to cope with when I am PMSing. This whole growing up thing is getting to be a lot of work. I'm going to have to keep track of when I am getting angry and how I react and try to teach my body not to crave food at those points. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

The Cure...ok so not so much, but some hope anyway

So As I have said before, I suffer severely from PMS. For most they just get a little moody and irritable. For me, I harbour false feelings of self loathing and hatred for almost anything that moves until one day I can't take the negativity anymore. I explode in a weeping puddle of emotional goo unsure of what to think of myself and others. We have recently been trying to get my mood swings under control with little success. My husband started tracking when my PMS was coming so he could duck and cover, but it still left me frustrated because I almost always ruin 1 relationship in that explosion. This month I stayed on it. I didn't let myself binge when the feelings started to hurt and started taking midol for the moods. It made the 2 weeks prior a lot easier to take. I went into full PMS a little more level headed and was able to avoid major problems. I still had problems though. Today my manager challenged me because I've been acting up lately to get some attention and I ended up overreacting. Going in to the meeting I was still level headed, but by the end I was a mess. It only took a minute, but everything that has made me fall apart every other month happened in a matter of about 20 minutes. I could probably tell you exactly when it's going to happen next month. That's how regular it is. My mom thinks I should check with my doctor and get my hormone levels checked. I won't se him until after my vacation but I guess we'll see.

the Duldrums

So I get a little frustrated when I am dealing with PMS. The same issues come back month after month after month. I hate men, I am insecure about myself and I regret all of the relationships I have burned through in my life. I wish there was a way to short circuit the thinking patterns but even when I take Midol I still hurt both physically and emotionally. I used to think that my moods had the power to change the weather because as soon as that time of the month came, it would start raining, snowing, wind storms. Coincidence I'm sure. I think this one is made worse because Rich and I had to make a sacrifice last weekend. We wanted to go to the zoo because it was sooooo beautiful out and we were both really looking forward to it, but at the last minute, I asked him to check the budget to make sure we could afford it. Sure enough we couldn't. We both overspent badly enough that our leisure budget for the month was tapped. We also used some of our extra money to get ahead of some of the bills. We started setting money aside every week to help pay the rent at the end of the month. Between us getting 5 paychecks, my overtime and unbudgeted income, we made over $7000 last month and not a penny of it is left. That is a sad thing. We jsut want to get to the end of the month before we get to the end ofthe money. So far, not so much. Keep in mind, this is how I process when I am PMSing. Oneof these days someone will find a cure for it.