If your first concern is to look after yourself, you'll never find yourself. But if you forget about yourself and look to me, you'll find both yourself and me.

-Matthew 10:39 (the Message)

Monday 15 September 2008

Frustration

So now I'm just getting annoyed. I am trying to stand on my own feet, but everything I try doesn't work. I thought I was starting to understand how to relate to people in such a way that they wanted to spend time with me, but still they lie to me and tell me we have a relationship and then they stand me up. I try to tell people that yeah it happens and I understand but that doesn't make it hurt any less. I just want people to like me and have people feel like my house is a fun carefree place to spend time. I want people to feel like they can drop by unannounced and chill. Basically I want to be accepted. My mom lives too far away to spend time with me, my dad has too much to do, my husband has to accept me and my friends are too busy. I wish I had a neighbour that I could drop in on to have coffee or a friend down the street I could run into every once in a while. Outside I tell people I'm strong and can stand on my own feet but inside I just want someone that wants to walk this path of life with me. I hurt all the time, I don't understand what people mean. I still know things about people before they say anything and am feeling a little frustrated by it all. My life doesn't make much sense right now. How am I supposed to help people when I'm broke and how am I supposed to love people when they just keep hurting me? Some days I am tempted to run for the hills and never talk to anyone again but that would just make the problem worse. I want someone to phone me out of the blue because they were thinking about me or to call cause they're worried about me since they haven't heard from me in a while. I want to feel like I would be missed by someone other than my husband if I wasn't here. I just feel sorry for myself once in a while. I don't like having such a quiet house.