So over this journey I've had trying to find myself and learn how to be me, I've had to determine where I am and who I want to be. Not who I want to turn into, but who I want to be right now. It's harder than I thought it would be. Do I define myself by what I do or by what people would say about me? Maybe I am defined by what I say about me. Where does God fit into all this? It started an interesting conversation.
The question is how does God fit into my new life? I am nothing like other people. The things I enjoy and hate aren't the same as most people. For other people, being fidgety and forgetting birthdays and anniversaries is a mark of not caring. For me, its a fact of life. Instead of using it as an excuse though, I am trying to do things to remind myself. Its hard, but I'm starting.
This all made me look at my relationship with church. That's where I used to experience God the most. Now, I haven't consistently attended for a year. Rich has made the comment that when I go to church, I have a better week, but I still have issues. I get frustrated with myself because I can't concentrate on the sermon, announcements or kids time. I feel like it is an insult to God to go into his house and not pay attention to him. Slowly I've been trying to accept that God knows my inner workings and understands, but I still can't get past the feeling that I offend him. Problem is, then I just don't go to church for weeks on end. Something tells me that's more of an insult than going and not paying attention.
I've thought about getting more involved in the services, but most churches require you to at least pretend to have a deep satisfying relationship with God before being involved in anything more than choir. How would you feel if you were the pastor or music coordinator at a church and one of the congregants said "Yeah, I get bored in the services so I'd like something to do. Do you think I could be involved in the worship team?" Some small part of me just thinks that's wrong.
It doesn't mean that I don't love God or want to commune with him. It's just that I've found a way to relate to God on my own terms. I listen to the fleeting topics that catch my fancy so briefly for things God might be saying to me. If I have a Bible verse that I can't remember, I go look it up. If I all of a sudden am remembering a conversation with someone about the right and wrong things to do or who God is, I don't just move past it. I try to remember. I take a moment and ask God, "What are you trying to say to me?"
It means I don't sit down for the "required" hour every morning with a Bible and a journal and study scripture. That is torture. Instead, I try to relate every experience to what I already know of God and leave every moment open to hearing something from him. I listen constantly for the still, small voice that I became so familiar with and let God guide my moments. I still have my ugly ones, but I'm human. Hopefully both God and people are willing to forgive me for them.
Now what I'm working on is creating a picture of who I want to be now. Not who I am going to change into, but who I am. I'm sorting through the habits and ideas I have and figuring out which ones were placed there by other people (like the idea that its insulting to spend time at God's house and not pay attention to him) and which ones God started (like the fact that I'm human and precious). I'm writing a lot of journal entries and lists lately which is weird, but good and every day when I look in the mirror, I feel like I look a little bit more like me. I can't wait to see what I look like when I'm done.
