The Evolution of Lady K

So I had the first of my "Evolution of Lady K" concerts tonight. I think its more of a recital than a concert but whatever it is, it's good. Don't get me wrong, I made mistakes in every song I played and some I even had to try 3 times, but I was ok with it. I knew it wasn't detrimental. I didn't have the same overwhelming sense of dread that I usually get when I'm performing. The concert was intimate. Only 3 people were able to come, but I am so grateful that they made it. They were the right people to have there for the first concert. I've already decided to have another one on Dec 9 that will be a Christmas theme and will probably be a good old fashioned carol sing. Way I figure it, the more I can perform the better. I'm hoping that by the end of January I have worked on some repertoire with my piano teacher so I can play some new music. This was fun thougbh. I'm really glad I did it.

On a side note, I have to say I'm always amazed at how God works. I expected that this concert would just be me playing music and having some big epiphany about being afraid to play that would matter to me. Instead, God blind sides me with the size of my audience. I didn't expect to be so upset if only a few people could come, but I was. On Wednesday I was absolutely devastated. God decided to turn that around and show me that I have been taking those people that really do appreciate my music and have been present when I am playing for granted. Dad coming to Red Deer to see the choir perform, Richard coming to the choir concert in Calgary and many other times that people have gone out of their way to see me play. I'm realizing that even if I'm not playing to a stadium full of people, the performance still matters to whoever is listening and I need to put the people that didn't come out of my mind and play amazingly to say thank you to the people that did come as a thank you for their time. Some day I may play to a sold out crowd, but in the meantime, I will play to whoever will listen.


P.S. - keep your eyes (ears) peeled. I have started working on the Surrender recording and there is an entire album's worth of inspiration coming from it. It's called "The Evolution of Lady K". Stay tuned for more info.

Returns and renovations

Alright, so I just saw my spiritual director for the first time in somewhere near 2 months and we added a room to the house... well, we didn’t add a room, we FOUND a new room in the house today (Click Here if you haven`t read about the house or would like a refresher). Apparently, and not very surprisingly, God’s house has a recital hall. When I am doing anything for other people in the real world, I’m in the recital hall in God’s house. Recently I`ve been trying to figure out what`s going on with these panic attacks that have been happening every time I try to do something like play piano in public or suggest ideas to people. People have always said that worship is not only directed at God but done in conjunction with him. Only if he blesses our worship and we include him in the expression of it can we really do whatever it is we are offering to him as worship so his presence is critical. Based on that, praying before performances and inviting him in actually is an important thing.

I think this is very true and I have agreed with it since the very first time I heard it, but again in my life there is a difference between the way things are understood (head knowledge) and the way things are practiced (heart knowledge). It’s almost like I have an interior world. Everything that happens on the outside has an expression on the inside. So with the panic attack, there are actually physical things happening in my interior world that help me understand my exterior world. In this case it’s that as soon as I sit down at the piano in the exterior and have trouble reading the first note I get scared and that adrenaline rushes and on the inside I scream. Before I screamed I was sitting at the piano but now I have jumped up and screamed at the top of my lungs and am running like crazy around the house. I am nowhere near the piano anymore. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just running and somehow I find myself out the front door down the street and run until I can’t run anymore.

That`s what’s happening inside when I`m having the panic attack on the outside. When I finally do tire out and can’t run any longer I stop and look around. I am in the strangest place. It`s an intersection of roads that don’t seem to lead anywhere. I somehow know that every road leads back to the house (something tells me God has something to do with that) so I don’t have to worry about which road to take I just have to start walking. Over the years, the trip home has gotten shorter and shorter but the amount of time that I spend running has gotten longer and longer (regular laws of physics don`t apply. A long run means its a long time before I stop panicking and a short walk home means I don`t try to avoid God anymore).

So we did an exercise today using God`s house (read up on Ignaatius sanctified imagination for more info).I lived in my spiritual world for a few moments to see what happens when the panic attack starts and how to resolve things. Usually what happens is I have my spastic panic screech and run out the door. Eventually I do come home and God is always at the front door and I have nothing left. I don’t even have the energy to walk into the healing room or the throne room or the kitchen. God scoops me up in his arms and he rocks me like an infant until I stop crying. He continues to rock me until I calm down and realize that I am back home in his arms. He takes me out to the terrace to just swing in the glider for a few minutes. If you don’t remember, the terrace is out by the kitchen near the throne room. It`s where the three paths are, the one with the briars, the one with the lawn and the one with the pathway. Apparently we’ve decorated the terrace cause it now has a glider swing. One of those outdoor rocky swingy things for 2 people. Me and god just sit there for a while. He doesn’t need me to say anything cause he already knows everything, he doesn’t need me to do anything cause there’s nothing he can’t do. He doesn’t need me to be better or change or do anything at all. He only needs me to just be and to remember that I am cherished and that we will try it again.

So eventually all of this works itself out. I’ve calmed down and I`m back in those arms back in that place I like to be. We’re chilling out on the terrace and we can chat. What he told me today, what hadn’t clicked before...It’s not just about saying a little prayer before you start playing to invite God into your playing. Instead, it`s that I need to invite him to play a duet with me. God said if I want to jam with him, all I have to do is ask. I can invite him to play with me any time and we can play it as a duet. I think that`s what happened years ago when I played Bridge Over Troubled Water and completely forgot that I had an audience. I didn`t know about the recital hall or God`s house yet but somehow I tapped into it. To me it is a glorious image of what I would like to be doing.

I am again floored by how quickly things click when I finally get them. Even today when I was on Mediashout, before church started I was thinking through the steps and wanting to do so well but it didn`t quite do enough. I still was nervous and tense and panicky and not sure if I was going to do right and that was even before I went to church this morning. Now I`m thinking of next week. I`m scheduled to play piano in church and have no organist to accompany me and playing clarinet in public for the first time when Im so new at the clarinet. Right now I`m actually thinking about this and I`m in a place of joy. I can`t wait to see what it`s going to be like to play a duet with God. Don`t get me wrong. I`m not kidding myself. I`m still going to be nervous and I`m probably still going to have a panic attack. My hope is that this time the panic attack doesn`t send me screaming through the house. My hope is that I can remember that God is there listening and playing with me. My hope is that I am not there playing for the people in the room but sitting in the house jamming with God. I`m getting ecstatic at the idea of being able to play around and jam with God. It is going to be such an absolute blast and I am so looking forward to it.

InstaPoll: Sadie Black's Parody of Rebecca Black's "Friday"

So Rebecca Black posted this video to YouTube a while ago. Recently, a church in Chicago did a parody of it to advertise their Easter church service. One of the angles I am exploring for my book "Theology of the Broken Brain" is the response to creativity and inclusion of secular art in church. I'd like your input. Here's the videos side by side. Please answer the following poll honestly and comment back as to why you responded the way you did. The more answers the better so please pass the site on to your friends.

Thanks again :-)

An exploration of Grace

Hey guys,

thanks for all the feedback so far. It's really giving me food for thought. I'm starting to get an idea of what I want Theology of a Broken Brain to explore. I still don't know exactly what it will say, but I am starting to see it come together. I need some direction if you guys don't mind and this is open to anyone reading this, regardless of whether I know you or not.

I've made a list of the major questions that I have either asked myself or been asked by others since I found out about my brain being so different. I am going to use it as a study guide over the next few weeks to guide my spiritual journey. I am looking for exactly what Scripture says about these things. I have opinions about what commentaries say and so I'm looking for primary source material right now, directly from scripture. Once I have the scriptures collected, then I'll explore the commentaries while I formulate answers.

I've posted my questionnaire so you can use it too. If you have some time and could give me some scriptures to look at for each of the questions, that would be greatly appreciated. I'll be using this with my spiritual director to find what God is trying to say to me and others with mental disorders.

When suggesting scriptures, please keep in mind, I am trying to have the overall theme in the book focus on God's ultimate grace. I will have heavy influence of things like Psalm 139 that God created us and so knows what we are like. The Ultimate Sacrifice and the penatly already being paid is another thing I will focus on. People with mental disorders frequently suffer from issues like self loathing, overpunishment and feelings of abandonment. I don't want to coddle these feelings, but instead speak to them from a loving standpoint. I hope to introduce people suffering from these issues to the God who doats on them and can forget about the things in their past. I also hope to fend off judgment of those who would say that we just aren't trying hard enough. I'll probably spend some time on the difference between lying and not understanding the truth as well.

Even if you don't agree with the standpoint I am taking, your time and input would be greatly appreciated. This is a spiritual learning exercise for me as well so I don't want to presume to know exactly what the answers are. The research for the book is teaching me at the same time as I am trying to communicate my thoughts. Also, even if you don't think you know much about the topic, even if you are a new Christian yourself. I believe strongly in the influence of the Holy Spirit so please give me whatever input you can. Many thanks.

You can either respond by posting in the comment section or email the responses to ldutz@godishere.com. Please include the word questionnaire in the subject so I know what it is about and don't garbage it right away.

Questionnaire


1. What does it mean to be a Christian?

2. What are the minimum requirements to call one’s self a Christian?

3. What spiritual disciplines are “strongly recommended” and why?

4. What disciplines fall more under “take it or leave it”?

5. What does a week in the life of a dedicated Christian look like? How much of this is required and how much is recommended?

6. What are the “no-no”s that will keep us from God?

7. Are Christians capable of sinning? If so, what do we consider a sin since we are already forgiven?

8. What role does attention play in faith? Does God care if we think about something else while we are praying?

9. What does the Bible say about emotions? Does it address what to do when a person’s body isn’t cooperating and they physically can’t control their emotions?

10. Is it sinful to be easily excitable?

11. Is Church as we know it a requirement of faith? If so, where is it commanded in scripture? If not, why is church attendance so important to so many people?

Song Lyrics that connect with me

In His Presence - Sandi Patti
An ever open door
to know our saviour more
in the presence of our Lord

Oh Lord, You're Beautiful
Oh Lord, Your'e beautiful.
Your face is all I seek.
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me.

Filed for later

So a lot of my writing changed when I saw the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman. The poem means a lot to me. I have had it on my blog for a while now and I think I can file it for later. I still want it here for reference, but don't think it needs to be on my main page anymore. Gotta love it when life moves, eh?

My inspiration - Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

-William Ernest Henley

Thoughts while researching

So I need to figure out how I want to approach Theology of a Broken Brain. The other two books are practically writing themselves. There's a reason there are so many volumes printed on theology in general, let alone the specifics. At bible study tonight we read Galations 5:16-22 and I thought that was what I wanted to talk about in Theology of the Broken Brain as alot of the sins of the flesh are things people with attention and learning disorders struggle with. Problem is, when I try to explain it, it quickly becomes do this, do this, do this, do that.

Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.

Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.

I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.

I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?

Thanks for listening

An update...Finally

So if you haven't been reading my 3 year old blogs recently, you may want to follow this link. Even if you just want a reminder of what the Landini cadence is, you may want to follow that link. I find it entertaining to go back and read my posts from previous years. I'm starting to have a better understanding of what was really going on and what I was learning. The Landini cadence of 2008 turned into quite the key change by 2011. Living in the space I am, loving where my life is has been thrilling to say the least.

So I've made the jump now. I quit at TELUS on Friday. There were too many changes happening all at once that made it more and more difficult for me to continue teaching piano, going to school and working there. I made the decision this year that every decision I made would support a path towards becoming a full time piano teacher. That wasn't going to happen if I continued at TELUS. I gave my notice yesterday and they are paying out the two weeks instead of having me work it. Terrifying, but still the right thing for this moment in my life.

I have had an explosion of creativity in the last few weeks. It started with a comment my professor made last fall that someday I would write a book. I laughed it off at first. You guys have seen some of my writing here. I ramble, I talk too much and I make mountains out of mole hills. Most of my favorite ideas get lost in translation when I try to put it into words. I get wrapped up in the details and miss the important stuff.

Because of that, I didn't think I would ever write a book. Consult on a book maybe. Be involved in a film, more likely. Write a book? Not on your life.

Now, I'm not only writing a book, but three books. It started with trying to write a one page summary of the challenges I face. Between neurological disorders and odd personality types, I felt like I had a lot for managers, teachers or mentors to understand if they were to effectively coach me. The one page turned into three. I still didn't feel like I had covered everything. Last January, I thought to myself, "this is better suited for a book". The irony of it didn't strike me till later.

I started by making an outline/Table of Contents. I was trying to figure out what would be in the book. I started getting a better idea of what I wanted to include and what I wanted to say. Since most literature about my issues revolves around children, I wanted to create a guidebook for adults newly diagnosed with my conditions and exploring personality types like mine. I was going to talk about it in the context of adult experiences. The problem was, at the rate I was going, it was going to take an encyclopedia to cover everything I wanted to say.

I started breaking down the information further. There were three main environs my life took place in. Life in general, including interactions with my husband, family, friends and school, Professional life and spiritual life. Not that the information didn't cross from one setting to the next, but the significance changed slightly from one place to the next. Where creative means of managing oneself are readily accepted and for the most part even encouraged in professional life, in spiritual practice, there is a strong caution with regards to new expressions of faith, and this for good reason. School tends to be a little of both.

Basically, it's boiling down to three books. The first is my autobiography. I originally thought it would be called Life as I Feel It - An Autobiographical Exploration of Life As a Kinesthetic. Just this week, with the help of my tutor, I played with calling it Landscape of a Kinesthetic Soul. I like that one better, but the other one is clearer about what I would be discussing since the book is about every aspect of life, not just spirituality.

The second would be a more formal exposition on the research about ADHD, Learning Disabilities (which I would strongly argue should actually be called Learning Disorders, but that's an argument for another day). It would include information clarfying what it really means to be kinesthetic and also explore the effects of being extroverted in certain working conditions. It would discuss the use of analogous reasoning versus transductive logic (one of the reasons I seem to be coming out of nowhere sometimes). I think I'd like to call it Halogen Minds and the Lens of Rare Logic, but I think that title would be a little too confusing for most of the people I'd like to read it.

The third book is one I've joked about for a couple of years now. When I first found out about my ADHD, I frequently talked about my "broken brain". One day when I was thinking randomly, I came up with the title Theology of the Broken Brain. At the time I didn't know what the book would be about and to be honest, I never really thought I would write it, but as I explore expressions of my faith with my spiritual director, I realize that it is very different for me for a lot of reasons. I don't think I'm the only one since I've heard several discussions about kinesthetic prayer and things like it, but it's still a sensitive subject in a lot of circles. I think this one would be a study of what the bible has to say about mental disorders and unique personality types and a discussion of how to express faith in new ways without being a heretic. I don't think I am the final expert on the subject, but maybe my experience will have some impact on other people's journey.

So you're probably thinking "Oh here she goes again on another project". Funny thing is, this time, my tutor is helping me so there's a good chance I'll actually be able to finish it. I also feel like it's something God has been building me up for of late. He's giving me the skills to communicate my experiences and has put me in a place where it can be taken seriously. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see what comes out of it.

Now, if you didn't already think I'm a nut, you probably will now. The explosion of creativity didn't stop at the books. I have stopped trying to figure out why I like what I like. I just like it. Music is an amazing thing. I still feel right at home when I'm creating it. I have to do it differently, but I still love to do it. Last Tuesday I was sitting in my Music History class and we were studying the Baroque Period. I've done it before so not much of it was really news to me, but something new clicked for me. Remember that song I was writing a while back, called Surrender? Well, it came to mind while we were studying Baroque Opera. I've always thought the song would end up in a dramatic setting, but when I thought of it in a musical, it didn't seem right. Musicals seem to have a more comical feel to them. Even if they are serious ones. Surrender is more of an art piece. The vision of the precipice just needs something more than a catchy jingle. I pictured Surrender as the Aria of an opera. The recitatives would fill in the plot on my spiritual journey that is too hard to tell day by day and the instrumentals would move the setting from one time to another. The soaring melodies would reflect the emotional flights that happen with me and the musical accompaniment would give me the ability to include different feelings like when I am singing about how much joy I get from serving God, when the terror in my heart that I am going to get hurt is still there.

I'm SOOO looking forward to writing this opera. I also love the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm writing three books and an opera. Funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed. I know I can take my time on them and do it right and they will all get published in due time.

So do you have that look on your face yet? The one I was talking about? Cause here comes ANOTHER curve ball. In the midst of all this, I figured out exactly what I want to do as a teacher. I want to develop the skills of musicians at all levels by giving them an appreciation for all kinds of music. I want to help classical musicians tap into the creativity of the contemporary school and I want to help contemporary musicians tap into the rich history of the classical school. I want to open up an educational facility in South Calgary where musicians can come develop whatever skill they like. We'd have a focus on broader development through deeper self awareness as well as providing as many opporunities as possible. The campus would host an indie restaurant where students can perform contemporary styles as well as hold concerts where we can explore classical developments in music. We would have a recording studio that every student would have access to that lets them hear themselves and use it for further improvement as well as give those who want to distribute their music commercially a place to prepare it with skilled veterans that care about creating really good music. If you saw what was in my head, you'd probably think hippy commune, but I think of it as musical collaboration on a grand scale. It's something I have had to lay down at the altar and pray that God lets me do it. So far all is looking good, but we'll see what happens.

Well thanks for listening guys. I know its been another long one. I tried to write sooner, but like I said, I was having trouble posting from my ipad. I'm taking feedback on the things happening in my life right now so feel free to comment, email write or call. With not having to work anymore, I'm hoping to get back in contact with everyone.

Peace.

Contact attempted

So I hate Ctrl-Z. I've tried 3 times now to post a discussion. Something keeps happening and I keep deleting it. One of them I was ready to post, I just ran to the kitchen to do something. When I came back, I missed a key stroke and accidentally deleted my work.

A post is coming, I promise. Especially with the recent employment develoments.

So I'm writing a book.