The hand of the Lord

The hand of the Lord is heavy on me. He stops me from my spastic interactions with the world. He brings me to a place of genuine worship. He sets aside all those things I think are important and brings to center the one thing that is important. Genuine, broken worship of Jesus Christ in whatever way we are lead. My heart is open here. Fearfully, I come, assuredly I stand and go. Here I remember first that nothing else matters than that only through him can I truly succeed at the other things. Lord I am blessed to be in your presence now.



He presses on me then gently carresses me. I find myself in teh palm of his hand. Reassured and comforted, he is the Father I never knew.



Have you ever listened to a really good music group? Have you seen how they listen to each other? You can see teh leader listening to the whole thang and they know what each note sounds like. A really good group needs no conductor. Theyeach can hear when it is time to swell or decay. That is how we must be with the master. If we want to make our worship into sweet music with him, then we must listen for how that worship should go. Worship does not begin with us but with God. He places the desire in us to worship and fans the flames when we are ready. All we can do is when we feelthe call to worship, to bolt for the throne room and wait. God will show us exactly what we need to know and when we need to act.

Random Rambles of a Very Lost Girl

An ever open door to know our saviour more in the presence of our Lord.

I don't want to be Hole, I don't want to be righteous. I want to live my life in the Bosom of my Father, my beloved and my friend. I don't want to be set apart by my actions. I want to be set apart because of where my heart lives. I love my Father and I don't understand how to bring my world into the throne room. I don't want to live my life setting myself apart from the world. I want to bring my God into the world, loving him and introducing him to the people around me.

A heart full of fear and uncertainty has no place in the throne room. Where is the bold faith of my youth? How can I remove the fear?. The guilt is on teh table already. The vengeance was purified. I am afraid I will hurt again or that I will return to that room and God won't be there. I see the vision he has given me, but he has not put people in my life that saw the gifts while they were growing. I know they are there, not because of my own ambitions but because whenever I have gone to the throne room, I have found it. I don't want rules and regulations. I want a relationship. I don't know what that looks like. I need this relationship to help me follow the rules that have been placed in my life.

Church should be focused on God, but that doesn't mean you can't look through each other to see him.

A Prayer of the Lost

How is it that so often I find my knees stiff again? I wish to live my life in submission to God but so many times there are so many things vying for my attention. The last time someone in a church hurt me, I separated church from God in my heart. Going to church didn't necessarily lead to the throne room so it wasn't necessary for my faith. I am not alone and I am not in the dark, but I am surrounded by darkness. I don't like it. I have made excuses for different aspects of my life not being in submission to God. I have justified it by saying that I am learning tolerance, I think it is to put away childish things again.

The things I leave on the table outside:

-My Pride
-My dreams - this one is hard. Lord, help me to set aside my dreams for now. You are not asking me to forget about them, just to wait for you to fulfill them.
-my expectations

Lord, I am afraid to be on my face again, but that is where you love me. Prostrated begins with my knees and my heart. Lord, I confess to you my fear, my pride and my anxiety. I come naked and burdened to the floor of the throne room. I leave my wants at the door. Help me to come back to you. Help me to live from the throne room. Trusting in you to renew me. Help me to see your will Lord and help me to be okay with what you don't show me.Thank you for my family. The people who already care enough to look in on me when I am troubled. Help me to reach out to them rather than try to hide. I love you and am glad you have saved me from myself. Remind me daily of the things you want from me.

Friend

I miss you. You do not include me when you talk about your friends and the people who are important to you, or at least I don't hear it. It is not until I become pushy that you think of me. You have always been so special to me and I have come to love you like a beloved family member. I have tried to be patient and supportive and to show you real love, but you don't want it for some reason. I would never abandon you, but when I call your name, you don't even look at me. How did I end up so alone?

Kitchen additions

Alright so I have been in the kitchen for 2 months now. That's a long time for me. I have usually gone to the healing room, the throne room, the terrace and back to the throne room by now. Looking back at my last post, I jumped the gun a little bit. Before you can love someone, you have to like them first. You like someone, then you love them, then its okay not to like them sometimes because you love them but you can learn to like them again. THat whole learning how to love myself is a project for another day. THe first project is to truly stand in the kitchen adn like me. My problem with the kitchen is that it is who I am right now. It is selfishness, jealousy, greed and loathing. It is the family I have grown up with and am ashamed of their inability to love each other. It is the face that looks back in the mirror that shows the years of mistreatment. It is teh girl who was able to manipulate people from the age of 7 into doing exactly what she wanted no matter what the consequences for them were. I want God to love teh person I want to be. I want God to take this person that I am out of the picture and start from scratch. The kitchen is about him telling me that's not going to happen. The appliances are chrome and buffed to such a high polished shine that I can see myself as if in a mirror. Had he brought me to the bathroom and said look in the mirror, I would have looked in teh mirror but at him. He caught me off guard, face to face with myself. This is where the healing room, the throne room and the terrace begin. Until I can take this picture of myself into the healing room with me instead of the person I want to be, I will have to stay in the kitchen. I wish I could leave it all behind. I'm making a mess of the kitchen now. THe things I don't like about myself are dripping off of me like ooze. They're pooling on teh floor in such a puddle I can't clean it up. I'm not even trying to. I have tears in my eyes and I'm looking up at God asking why? And he is saying because this is who I love.