Sunday 27 April 2008
Friend
I am glad we got to talk. I was afraid things would be strained between us after you hurt me, but the way you and I talk is amazing. There is an understanding about life and journeys that I share with no one else. I hope we get more opportunities for talks like that. Remember that you are dear to both me and God.
Saturday 19 April 2008
Landini Cadence
You asked for it so here it is. My next post.
In a typical Medieval cadence, a major sixth musical interval is expanded to an octave by having each note move outwards one step. In Landini's version, an escape tone in the upper voice narrows the interval briefly to a perfect fifth before the octave.
So I heard a cadence coming in my life. The chords were progressing from the I to the IV to the ii. I knew the V and the I were next. I was quitting school and focusing on TELUS. Leading worship would not be a major part of my life anymore. Just as I had this figured out and I thought I knew what God was doing, he had other plans for me. He has just shown me that what I thought was a final, perfect, closing cadence, was actually more like Landini's version. I brief change which affected the texture of the music, the mindset I approached my craft with. I went to choir at Glenmore over a month ago and I thought it was going to be some epiphany type experience where God showed me that yes, this was the path I was supposed to be on. Instead, it was one of the most confusing and terrifying experiences of my life. Previous to joining Glenmore Temple, I was advised not to share the experiences I had at Pavillion as it may affect their first impression of me. One thing I know very well is that I'm not very good at keeping secrets. People could tell I was an experienced singer right away and encouraged me to take the leap to sing with them in front of the congregation the following Sunday. The leader made sure I knewthat would not be the case, but the fear crept in so quietly that I didn't even notice it until I had missed the next 3 weeks of choir. I felt so bad about it that I didn't feel right about talking to the choir leader, especially since she was on her 1 month of maternity leave having her 3rd child. The pastor and I have had some difficulty getting together so I couldn't share my experience with her. In a nut shell, I was terrified of even speaking to people in leadership because of how hurt and manipulated I felt by the last church I went to. I know that the people in this church aren't following selfish ambitions and I know they are not going to hurt me like the other ones did, but I think the thing that stopped me from getting back on my feet was that I was afraid I had disobeyed by not going back to choir. Nowhere did God say without question that I was to be in choir, but he did impress it on my heart that I was to try to get back into leadership eventually. What if I was due for another repentant conversion experience? I don't like them because their exhausting and I always feel like a worm at least for a moment during the experience. I love that God has forgiven me and I would hate to have another mark to look back on. God showed me that I'm okay. When I'm faced with my own possible disobedience, I am reminded of how much of a wretch I thought I was when I was a teenager and he showed me that that's not me anymore. I am no longer the prodigal. His grace isn't amazing because of how much of a wretch I am, his grace is so amazing because I have been restored. My voice is not heard among the scoffers anymore. Instead I sit with the angels crying Holy, holy, holy. God will restore me to my calling when I am ready. He needed to show me that not all church leaders can be trusted. Now he needs to show me that there are some church leaders that can be trusted. You'd think this would be an easier journey. At least I know that I am spending it at the foot of the throne instead of the foot of the cross.
In a typical Medieval cadence, a major sixth musical interval is expanded to an octave by having each note move outwards one step. In Landini's version, an escape tone in the upper voice narrows the interval briefly to a perfect fifth before the octave.
So I heard a cadence coming in my life. The chords were progressing from the I to the IV to the ii. I knew the V and the I were next. I was quitting school and focusing on TELUS. Leading worship would not be a major part of my life anymore. Just as I had this figured out and I thought I knew what God was doing, he had other plans for me. He has just shown me that what I thought was a final, perfect, closing cadence, was actually more like Landini's version. I brief change which affected the texture of the music, the mindset I approached my craft with. I went to choir at Glenmore over a month ago and I thought it was going to be some epiphany type experience where God showed me that yes, this was the path I was supposed to be on. Instead, it was one of the most confusing and terrifying experiences of my life. Previous to joining Glenmore Temple, I was advised not to share the experiences I had at Pavillion as it may affect their first impression of me. One thing I know very well is that I'm not very good at keeping secrets. People could tell I was an experienced singer right away and encouraged me to take the leap to sing with them in front of the congregation the following Sunday. The leader made sure I knewthat would not be the case, but the fear crept in so quietly that I didn't even notice it until I had missed the next 3 weeks of choir. I felt so bad about it that I didn't feel right about talking to the choir leader, especially since she was on her 1 month of maternity leave having her 3rd child. The pastor and I have had some difficulty getting together so I couldn't share my experience with her. In a nut shell, I was terrified of even speaking to people in leadership because of how hurt and manipulated I felt by the last church I went to. I know that the people in this church aren't following selfish ambitions and I know they are not going to hurt me like the other ones did, but I think the thing that stopped me from getting back on my feet was that I was afraid I had disobeyed by not going back to choir. Nowhere did God say without question that I was to be in choir, but he did impress it on my heart that I was to try to get back into leadership eventually. What if I was due for another repentant conversion experience? I don't like them because their exhausting and I always feel like a worm at least for a moment during the experience. I love that God has forgiven me and I would hate to have another mark to look back on. God showed me that I'm okay. When I'm faced with my own possible disobedience, I am reminded of how much of a wretch I thought I was when I was a teenager and he showed me that that's not me anymore. I am no longer the prodigal. His grace isn't amazing because of how much of a wretch I am, his grace is so amazing because I have been restored. My voice is not heard among the scoffers anymore. Instead I sit with the angels crying Holy, holy, holy. God will restore me to my calling when I am ready. He needed to show me that not all church leaders can be trusted. Now he needs to show me that there are some church leaders that can be trusted. You'd think this would be an easier journey. At least I know that I am spending it at the foot of the throne instead of the foot of the cross.
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