The Second Hardest Thing I've Ever Had to Do

So in my life there is only one thing that will reign eternal as the hardest thing I have ever had to do. That is to give my daughter up for adoption. I am about to come a close second to that one.

I attend a church where God is moving in everyone's lives. He may not be growing the numbers, but each and every person is experiencing God in a new way. I have been privileged to be a part of this group and have everyone in the congregation speaking into my life over the last 9 months. The wisdom of my elders has helped me to learn from some very serious mistakes. They have begun to breed in me humility and submission, two things I have struggled against for most of my life.

My arrogance took me to a very bad place in the last year. I am a very wild spirit and difficult for anyone to control, much less guide successfully. I don't think the supervisor's of my practicum realized this when we started. I showed signs of very deep issues that would take constant one on one mentoring to heal. There was no one in the church who could commit the time needed to do this and I didn't have the money to hire a psychologist.

I ended up in a very arrogant and lonely place. A place where I don't think even God wanted to be. when I looked up from all of the plans I was making, I realized God wasn't there. He was still at home in my heart, but He wasn't answering the door.

Since then, I have sat down and wept like the Israelites at the rivers of Babylon. I have wept for my sinfulness and my offense against God. I have been frustrated by the possibility that I could make such a huge mistake.

Like the child who just realized she broke her mother's favorite vase, I started "behaving" myself in hopes that God could turn the other cheek. I wanted to stay with these people I have come to love and who have come to love me in return. It is a safe place and I didn't want to go out among the wolves again.

I hoped that God would let me stay, but we must give up the things we love to follow God. He will ask of us things that we don't want to do. They will still feel like the right thing to do, but they won't necessarily be the easy road. He has finally let me know in no uncertain terms that He knows about the vase.

Like a loving Father, he doesn't come with violence and frustration. His steadfast, loving hand supports me even as it disciplines me. God has shown me my mistakes, but He has also shown me what He loves about me. He has not exalted me, but He has consoled me. I know that I am in His arms.

It is from this place that I am to venture out. I have to leave the little church that has become my home. I have to say goodbye to the people who have found it in their hearts to forgive me. God has asked me to go to another church. One that can handle the trauma that I am trying to overcome. One that can help me ask God to give me the freedom I seek. One that can show me who Jesus really is and how He wants to be in my life.

I have been in such a place before, but it is nowhere close to home, so I can't return right now. If God brings me back there sometime in the future, I may consider it. For now, I have to find a church where I live. I'm scared of getting to know people again. There is always the fear that people won't understand me or that I may not represent myself the way I want to. I guess I have to trust that to God. It's easier said than done, but I guess God only shows us our weakness so we will rely on Him for everything.

The next step on my journey

God asked something of me this week. He has been asking for a long time that I learn to wait. I tend to practice what I like to call active waiting. I can only wait because I busy myself with so many other things that I can't think about the thing I am waiting for.

A while ago, God asked me to wait for what He is going to do in our church. This week He upped the ante. I am not only to wait, but to do it in the throne room with Him. No action, just waiting. I had hoped I could come to the throne room, put my face on the floor and think about the character of God or picture what I hoped God would do in our church, but He has asked me to listen to Him without thinking about anything else or needing Him to say anything. It's really hard to explain.

Either way, I have been terrified of submitting because I have been stretched a lot lately. I realized that the people who love me the most have shown me how they feel by trying to "sharpen" me. They have given me constant "constructive criticism" to help me change into a better person. They speak more about what needs to be different about me than enjoying exactly who I am right now.

I appreciate where they are coming from and what they are doing, but the strange thing is it means I don't get it when my husband just wants to like me for who I am. This translates into my relationship with God as well. I am scared to enter the throne room because God has already done a lot of things in my life. I don't want to be exactly the same person for the rest of my life, but it's nice to take a break from change.

For this reason, when God asks me into the throne room, I am scared to go because He will want to change me again. He has reassured me this time that this isn't the case. He just wants to spend time with me, His child. It's kind of like when I go to see my daughter. I don't go to tell her how to change. I go to appreciate the person she is becoming.

After I met with my spiritual director yesterday, I felt safe enough to obey. As soon as I got home I looked around at boxes that needed to be unpacked, dishes that needed to be done and laundry that needed tending and decided to stop making excuses. I know that my Father in Heaven loves me. I know He only wants what is best for me. If He is asking me into the throne room, there is a good reason, even if I don't know what it is.

So I went. I went exhausted and pensive. Wishing I could just rest and frustrated at having to meet my Father, I entered the throne room. I felt like a child who had to put away their video game to come to the dinner table at first. I didn't realize what a privilege this was. After a moment in the presence of the King of Kings, I was humbled. I wasn't just humbled because He was the King. I was humbled because with the attitude I came with, He had every reason to discipline me. He could have thrown me out of His presence. Instead, He said "come sit with me. Rest a moment." I sat with my Lord and berated myself because I was drifting off. I was so tired and exhausted I couldn't even have a conversation with my King.

Have I mentioned that my God is gracious? When I can no longer function, He is there. His Spirit spoke to my soul and said "I know how tired you are. I didn't ask you here to do something. I asked you here so I could spend time with you. As you long to watch your child sleep, so I long to see you rest."

I fell asleep in the presence of the Creator of everything. He reminded me to come boldly to the throne of grace to receive mercy and grace and then said sleep. I haven't had such a restful sleep in a very long time.

Jesus loves me. He wants me to draw near to Him when I am in need. When my soul aches and I don't understand, He doesn't say to jump through a bunch of hoops then He will fix everything. He said "Come to Me all you who are weary and I wil give you rest for your soul." My saviour, as always, kept His promise to me.

IT'S OVER!!!! Friday Sep 21

It's official. A journey that began 5 years ago came to a close today. I woke up this morning and realized we had been paid. Our budget has had my last payment for my debt repayment program for the last 3 months, but it never was real. I thought something would happen that would make it impossible for me to make the payment. For this reason, I decided not to wait until my due date to make the final payment. I did it. Every sacrifice we have made over the last 4 years finally makes sense and is okay. A work that God began in me many years ago is finally complete. I'm dancing on the inside and I don't think anyone will be able to stop me.

Prayers of a Not-So-Saint

Heavenly Father,

you are the creator of everything. You made each and every person on earth the way they are and you know each and every one of us. You know when we come and when we go, when we wake up and when we sleep. You put us together in our mother's wombs. You know us so well that you know how many hairs are on our heads.

This scares me Lord. If you know me this well, you know that I have been a hypocrite. I don't want people to know that I am scared of you. I am scared that if I start talking to you again, you might tell me that I have to let go of all the good things that are in my life.

I know that you love me. You know better than me what is good for me and what is not. I do not live with my heart in submission to you Lord because you may not let me have what I want.

I confess this to you now. I am sinful and cannot do anything out of my own strength. Lord, you know my heart. All I really want is to serve you. You sent your Son to die on the cross so that in times like this, the price would already be paid. Lord, thank you for loving me even when I'm not so sure you should and thank you for sending your Holy Spirit to speak to my heart.

Lord, I ask that you would search my heart and show me anything undesirable in it. Give me humility to know that without you, I am nothing. Give me courage to come to you for everything, not just things that are hard. A life lived in your arms is worth more than all the treasure in the world.

Lord, take over my heart. Help me to always know that I am not worthy to lead your sheep into your presence. Show me that only by fully relying on you can I know your will for them.

Sweet consolations when I was a child gave me the impression that I had a direct connection to you Lord, that I knew your will without asking you. Forgive me for my arrogance, Lord. teach humility to my heart. Show me that as I humble myself in your presence, only then will you show me the path.

Lord, this is a hard process. My knees are stiff and the ground is hard. The pride in my heart makes it difficult to bow before you. But you created me for one purpose Lord. To worship you. All I know is that I need to turn my face and heart towards you.

I love you, Jesus. Thank you for coming and showing me that God really does want a relationship with me. Show me the path to the throne room and remind me that I don't deserve to be there.

I pray all this in Jesus' name
Amen

My Christmas/B'day Wish List

This seems to be the most convenient place to put my wish list. This is not an emotionally driven post, just information for my family and friends to know what to get me for my birthday and Christmas.

PANTS WITH POCKETS PLEASE!!!

-Ladies suede gloves
large 1 pr black, 1 pr brown
-Clothing from Cleo
Large tops, size 14 petite pants, size 16 regular blouses
-Clothing from Le Chateau
x-large tops, size 16-18 blouses, size 14-16 pants
-Dressy winter Coat
preferrably white button up thigh length wool walking coat with no belt or accents on the waist
-acoustic guitar
-money to pay for school
-Gift Certificates/Cards
-Wal-Mart
-Cleo
-Le Chateau
-Chapters
-Rideau Music
-Sears
-iTunes Store
-Sofa
-card games such as Racko
-Jean Pare Cookbooks
-Black leather pumps
size 9w
-Funky shoes
-a new car (it's always worth a shot right?)
-devotionals that appeal to a worship leader
-books by Teresa of Avila, John of the Cross. I like the ones translated by Mirabai Starr the best

For my two best friends

You know, I really wish there was a way for me to tell people that I am not poking fingers at them. I don't know if I've mentioned this yet, but I have two of the very best friends anyone could ask for. They are transparent, in that they let me see everything about them when they feel strong enough, and the are solid. They know what they believe. They only question it to strengthen their faith. They think about what they believe before agreeing with it and don't change what they think just because everyone else in the room thinks something different. They love. No qualifiers, no specific people, they just love. Never have I met people who could put aside stupid foibles to find the very precious gem at the core of any soul. They are my inspiration. They are the ones who help to keep me on the right path and I don't know where I would be without them.

Autumn Lea

So for almost 9 years now, I have wrestled with the most important decision I will ever make. I have already made the decision. I only wrestle with the fallout from that decision. What was it you ask?

Well, I think the better question is who was it?

Autumn Lea.

I wonder Autumn, do you really know how much I love you? I pray that God would let you feel this special love that I have for you. It's hard to tell you since you are so far away and still so very young. I miss you always. Every morning when I wake up, I realize that I could have woken up with you in my arms. Every meal I eat, every movie I watch, I know that if I had been more selfish, I could have done it with you beside me. Do you know why I found a new family for you? God showed me just how little I had to offer you. I had tried to live my life without His strength and instead of gaining for myself everything I dreamed of, I lost everything I ever wanted.

You were God's way of saying "Here's a second chance. Don't screw it up this time." He has walked with me every step of the way showing me what to do and what not to do. I still make mistakes and want to do things on my own, but ultimately God always reminds me that only with His guidance can I ever do good things.

Take a look at your life Autumn. You have a mom and dad who love you so much I couldn't imagine what it must be like to live with. I never knew if my parents loved me. Once in a while we would say the words, but in our family we didn't do anything to show other people. You have a sister who thinks the world of you. I remember when you first went home. I heard stories of how Alex wanted to help feed and change you. She wanted to burp you and hold you. She wanted to play with you. More important than anything else in the world to me, Autumn, is that she wanted desperately to love you. She considered it a priviledge. You are blessed my little one.

I thank God that the one thing that causes me the most grief in life is something you may not have to deal with. You know that you are loved. Because of what my life has been, I still question whether God can find it in His heart to love me. I wonder if I have been good enough, have I done enough good deeds, have I loved other people enough, have I entertained enough angels? Have I found favor, Lord?

As you, Autumn Lea, are my child, so am I His child. I pray for you as He prays for me. I hope for you as He hopes for me. I want to hold you as He wants to hold me. A precious child, so innocent in the eyes of the world. I pray the Lord would protect and guide you. May you live in peace under His strong wings every day of your life. May you know the love and grace in His heart that he extends constantly to you. May you know when you have erred and flock to Him who is able.

There aren't enough words in my heart to tell you how much I love you Autumn. The season you are named for is the one that you became in my life. Without the Autumn and the following winter, the Spring could never come. And it is here.

Who's This For?

So I am forced to ask myself who this little project is for. I am frequently finding myself checking this blog hoping desperately that someone will have posted a comment that will affirm me. I have to remember that this site asn't about other people affirming who I am. It's about me being myself without wondering if people are okay with it. To tell you the truth, the hardest time to go through this is when you're PMSing. Sorry guys, but it's the truth. I have about a week every month that I wonder if I am good enough to be alive. I question why God saved my life. I wonder if anyone will miss me when I'm gone (Not that I'm leaving soon, I just contemplate weird stuff). It's funny, because I know God tries constantly to affirm me himself and yet, I seek out a physical and tangible source for affection and affirmation. Someday I will be able to let myself feel the constant, undying love God has for all of His children.

MOVING!!!!!

So the newness of it has set in and I'm flying high cause I'm going to have my own place soon. We're looking for a place that really is our own that we don't have to wonder if the neighbours are going to kick us out or if somebody else is hogging the laundry. It will be ours. I used to think that was mandatory. I wouldn't live somewhere if it was anyone else's. Now, it's a priviledge. My husband and I won't have to ask permission to snuggle in front of the TV. I can leave food out on the counter if I want to. It's the little things in life you appreciate. I'm trying to think rationally about this so we get the right place, but right now it's kind of hard. Luckily there's an application process so I will have to cool my jets before jumping into anything. We are going to rent for at least 2 years and then try to buy our own place. Wouldn't that be cool. I'm going to write more about this after I come down off of cloud nine.

Stability

So the biggest fear I have had for most of my life is stability. We moved around quite a bit when I was little, and when we had stopped moving around I took every opportunity I could to create chaos in my life. I finally saw this week why I can't live with that habit anymore.

I realized just how much work it takes to be strong for someone who is suffering. You actually have to think about things. My husband's younger brother died last week and he needed to be with his family. I am in a place right now where I don't want him to be frustrated with me when he needs to be thinking about other things. I was allowed to take lots of time off to be with my husband during this and if I had used it, I probably would have found an excuse to be a weeping puddle of mud in the corner that he had to attend to. I decided not to do that.

I took as little time off work as possible because if you take too much, you have to restart the training process. The sooner I finish training, the sooner I can start working normal shifts as well as take on overtime so we can get out of debt. When I did get home from the funeral, I realized how much slack Rich has been cutting me when it comes to cleaning up after myself and not overspending and dealing with my dad.

Let me reiterate that I am married to the indisputable greatest man in the world. He is patient and kind and gently nudges me to strive to be a better person. The thing is, when my husband says I need to be a better person, he says it with so much love in his voice that I want to be better because that's what he deserves.

Sorry about that little tangent. So, stability. I subconsciously don't do the things I have to because in the bottom reaches of my heart, I am afraid people won't notice me anymore or appreciate my uniqueness. If I stop having mental breakdowns on a regular basis, who is going to notice me? I will blend into the background and no one will be affected by anything I do, because how could they be affected when they can't see it. At least, that's the way my brain says it will be.

The thing is, people would probably take more notice of me if I started keeping it together. There are some extraordinary things about me that just can't be ignored. These things are actually being outshown by the disorganization and lack of emotional maturity that I express.

I guess something I really struggle with is that I want the freedom I had when I was in school to make mistakes. As long as I am still a kid, I'm allowed to do stupid things. People will let things go because "I was just learning". I'm afraid that if I successfully move my life into a place where I have stability, I will have to be perfect. Adults don't make mistakes do they? An adult would never pull an April Fool's Day joke on their pastor in the middle of a service. An adult would never spend every penny they make before they've paid their bills. I hope you can hear the sheer stupidity of these statements.

I have grown up in a house where I have never been good enough. I had to do it perfectly or I shouldn't do it at all. I would try to help my dad by cleaning the car and rather than get excited about the fact that I wanted to help, he criticized the places where I had left dirt behind. Didn't even acknowledge the fact that I had spent 3 full days working on the project. Didn't say thank you for taking the seats out and vaccuming under them. Just got upset because I hadn't done the job perfectly.

This is the plight of the perfectionist's child. Perfectionism breeds perfectionism. Until I fully accept that I will make mistakes in my lifetime, I will never succeed at stability. I am always stirring chaos into the mix, because if there was no way for me to succeed from the getgo, I don't need to freak out WHEN I fail. I need to start thinking in ifs. IF I fail it is okay. IF something goes wrong, I can handle it. I also need to realize that I don't have to assume that the if will happen.

See, I tell all of my friends to plan for the worst and hope for the best. I think I do this a little bit, but not enough. I have a picture of what the best is in my head, but I constantly tell myself that I can't achieve it. I'm tired of living like this. I want to plan for good things and have them happen. It's funny, though, cause I can hear my mother in law Bonnie saying "Then don't make such a big deal about it. Just do it." I find it kind of frustrating that the simplest answers in life can be the hardest to actually do. I have to say that I did some good things since I got home and I feel really good about them.

My bedroom was a disaster when I left for Moose Jaw. I used the excuse that I didn't have time to clean it, but that wasn't true. I couldn't find a reason to do it. I also thought if I do it now, I would be expected to do it all the time and I didn't know if I would be able to clean my room every day. I better not attempt something if I might make a mistake someday. Yeah Right.

So I came home and cleaned my room. All of it. I didn't stop because most of the clothes were picked up or I didn't know whether to keep a piece of paper, I cleaned it, but I didn't go nuts. I didn't have to have the perfect place for everything. I have a stack of papers on top of my computer that I don't know exactly what I'll do with, but I'm sure I'll find something to do with them. I'm really proud of that cause I used to think if I did something, I had to do it all the way. No stopping, just get it all done. That's a lot of pressure to puton yourself. Obviously with such a high standard you're going to fail and the only person who will catch me is my wonderful husband and God. I think they need a vacation for a while. We'll see how this goes. It'll be interesting to see how long I can keep my room clean.