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It would seem the harder I try to pursue a state of contentment with my current surroundings, the more frustrated I get. It seems the harder I try to do something that I feel will get me closer to the life I want to have, the farther away it feels. I keep hoping people around me will start wanting to spend time with me, as in asking me if I want to do things, inviting me to tag along for movies, asking me to coffee. I was starting to think I was asking too much, but D and M have both started doing just that. Problem is, D is leaving soon and M, as I would think everyone should be, doesn't have the energy to be my only friend. I want to cry out to people and tell them how I feel in a way that will make them want to do it, but when I run it through my head I sound high maintenance and whiny. Is it asking too much to just want people to want to spend time with me? Sometimes I feel like it is. Problem is, now that I've posted this, if anyone does start to ask me to spend time with them, I won't give them credit for it because I had to ask. All of my life, I have tried my best to anticipate the needs of others and proactively provide for them so they would see value in my being and reciprocate, but it sometimes feels like no one has done the same for me. I am probably just over-reacting, but that doesn't change the fact that it makes me heart-sick. I have a lot of days I just wish I could do a mental reset and be like everyone else, but unfortunately that's not possible. It would seem I have no way to turn this unhealthy thought train around. It spins around on this closed track over and over forever keeping me from being able to be content. I have tried thought-stopping, I have tried positive re-enforcement, I have tried habitual replacement, I have tried cognitive behavioral therapy. Still I'm trapped in the cycle. I feel like the only thing that will change it is a regular pattern of people wanting me around, but I know even that won't help. Thought blogging it out would help, but so far.......