We're Good

There's 2 words that I absolutely love. They are my Hakuna Matata. They mean so much more when put together than what they are alone. It means "Anything you may think you have done wrong, I forgive you for" and "I may not have seen much of you recently but I still care deeply about you" and "even though you're a putz sometimes, I still love you". It means so much to me when someone says "we're good".

I'm sorry friend

I just realized that a very personal and private site was being followed publicly which means if someone went into my profile, they would be able to read that site. I had promised to keep that site a secret and because of me not understanding, I broke that promise. Hopefully no ill has come of it. I hope ou'll forgive me, friend.

And thank you. I appreciate the importance you set on my friendship. We communicate very differently so I wonder sometimes if my part in your life means anythin to you, but to have youdo what youdid and now for you to be suffering as you are because of it, I thank you. I will try to need a little less urgently. Sometimtes I ask thew rold to drop everything for me when I have no right to do so. I hope you can forgive me.

Life seasons

So God was telling me to stop and stay in the kitchen and after my last revelation, that was pretty hard. "What?! I'm not perfect? How dare you insinuate that about me!" Of course that's really not how I feel, but that's kind of my reaction. I've been standing here trying desperately to hide all of the things that I don't like about myself from the Almighty God of the universe (I know. Am I daft?) and he's been asking me to stop and admit that the only way I can overcome my personal challenges is to fully rely on him. Some of the things I have tried to hide are my tendency to use food to comfort me when I am hurting, I take out my frustrations on other people untintentionally (If I'm miserable, well then you might as well be miserable right along with me) and I give people the "right" answer and color things the way I think people want to hear them. They may not seem like major struggles, but when I'm faced witha decision regarding them, I usually regret the decision. So for the last week, I have been trying to change these habits. I have been very careful about what I am eating, I have calculated how much exercise it is going to take to lose all of the weight I've put on from overeating, and I am trying to tell the truth always. I don't want to bombard people with problems but when people ask if Richard and I are going to have kids, instead of saying "well, we've been workin gon it for a while, but it doesn't seem to be happening, I would say, we can't right now. Some day we may be able to but not right now and if people are asking for my time, rather than trying to squeeze them in in the next few weeks, when I will propbably have to cancel due to overbooking anyway, I will say you know what I care a lot about you, but I have a lot on my plate this month. I am trying to get through it so I can spend more time with family and friends. Why don't we try to make some time at the beginning of May? I can't worry about whether other people will feel rejected by me. If I am not intentionally rejecting them, I have to trust that they will hear what I really mean. If they are feeling rejected when I am not rejecting, that is something they have to deal with. It's a bit of a sour point.

So tomorrow is my first weigh in since I have started eating properly and exercising (and man am I sore) but I am hoping to be 191 lbs. or less. We will see how it goes. My goal is to be 175 by May 1. It's a really ambitious goal, but I think I can do it. I just have to take it 1 day at a time and not get overwhelmed by it being a whole month before anything happens. I'll keep you posted on my progress.