So a lot of my writing changed when I saw the movie Invictus with Morgan Freeman. The poem means a lot to me. I have had it on my blog for a while now and I think I can file it for later. I still want it here for reference, but don't think it needs to be on my main page anymore. Gotta love it when life moves, eh?
My inspiration - Invictus
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
-William Ernest Henley
Sunday 27 February 2011
Thoughts while researching
So I need to figure out how I want to approach Theology of a Broken Brain. The other two books are practically writing themselves. There's a reason there are so many volumes printed on theology in general, let alone the specifics. At bible study tonight we read Galations 5:16-22 and I thought that was what I wanted to talk about in Theology of the Broken Brain as alot of the sins of the flesh are things people with attention and learning disorders struggle with. Problem is, when I try to explain it, it quickly becomes do this, do this, do this, do that.
Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.
Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.
I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.
I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening
Something that has really helped my spiritual walk when handling spirituality and scripture is to simplify it as much as possible. Ultimately, God's grace prevails no matter what. We have no need to condemn ourselves since we are redeemed by the blood. The problem is, I want to show a biblical basis for that idea. I wanted to find where the kingdom of God is promised and show how to stay on that course instead of focusing on how to get off the path that leads away from the kingdom once we're there. I knew this was gonna be tough. If you guys have any thoughts, let me know.
Ramblings to organize my thoughts: With this book, I want to dispel the common notion that "perfect" Christians spend an hour a day in "studious prayer", that mind bending prayer where you open a bible, read a verse, connect it to another verse and find out exactly what God is saying to you in that moment. The first thing I want to do when I sit down to spend an hour with God is go to the bathroom. Then I need a drink of water. I check to make sure my inbox is empty and read my emails just in case I'm missing something critical. Then I feel guilty because my house is cluttered which makes me a "bad" woman so I spend WAAYYY too long cleaning it, then I sit down to try for the hour again. That's usually lunch time so I grab a sandwich and a glass of juice then I go over my homework for school because I feel like I forgot to do an assignment which makes me a "bad" student. I can't come before God as a "bad" anything because that would be sacriledge.
I hope you caught the sarcasm in that last bit. I don't really believe any of the reasoning, but I have actually been told those things by Christians in leadership roles. They set me up for a condemnation view of myself. Did you know, my spiritual director once told me God dotes on me? This was a novel idea. It was ground breaking. To sit in my chair and think that God feels about me exactly the way I feel about my own daughter blew my mind. He knows I can't sit still to save my life. In fact, he created me that way. He knows I can't remember my own name, let alone yours somedays...and he loves me. Not He loves me anyways...e loves me. Picture Him kissing you on the forehead the way you kiss a little baby. It will change the way you think of Him.
I'm trying to figure out how to put that into my book and support it Biblically. I know I will bring in Jeremiah 29:11-14, Psalm 139 and John 3:16, but I don't know where to start. Any suggestions?
Thanks for listening
An update...Finally
So if you haven't been reading my 3 year old blogs recently, you may want to follow this link. Even if you just want a reminder of what the Landini cadence is, you may want to follow that link. I find it entertaining to go back and read my posts from previous years. I'm starting to have a better understanding of what was really going on and what I was learning. The Landini cadence of 2008 turned into quite the key change by 2011. Living in the space I am, loving where my life is has been thrilling to say the least.
So I've made the jump now. I quit at TELUS on Friday. There were too many changes happening all at once that made it more and more difficult for me to continue teaching piano, going to school and working there. I made the decision this year that every decision I made would support a path towards becoming a full time piano teacher. That wasn't going to happen if I continued at TELUS. I gave my notice yesterday and they are paying out the two weeks instead of having me work it. Terrifying, but still the right thing for this moment in my life.
I have had an explosion of creativity in the last few weeks. It started with a comment my professor made last fall that someday I would write a book. I laughed it off at first. You guys have seen some of my writing here. I ramble, I talk too much and I make mountains out of mole hills. Most of my favorite ideas get lost in translation when I try to put it into words. I get wrapped up in the details and miss the important stuff.
Because of that, I didn't think I would ever write a book. Consult on a book maybe. Be involved in a film, more likely. Write a book? Not on your life.
Now, I'm not only writing a book, but three books. It started with trying to write a one page summary of the challenges I face. Between neurological disorders and odd personality types, I felt like I had a lot for managers, teachers or mentors to understand if they were to effectively coach me. The one page turned into three. I still didn't feel like I had covered everything. Last January, I thought to myself, "this is better suited for a book". The irony of it didn't strike me till later.
I started by making an outline/Table of Contents. I was trying to figure out what would be in the book. I started getting a better idea of what I wanted to include and what I wanted to say. Since most literature about my issues revolves around children, I wanted to create a guidebook for adults newly diagnosed with my conditions and exploring personality types like mine. I was going to talk about it in the context of adult experiences. The problem was, at the rate I was going, it was going to take an encyclopedia to cover everything I wanted to say.
I started breaking down the information further. There were three main environs my life took place in. Life in general, including interactions with my husband, family, friends and school, Professional life and spiritual life. Not that the information didn't cross from one setting to the next, but the significance changed slightly from one place to the next. Where creative means of managing oneself are readily accepted and for the most part even encouraged in professional life, in spiritual practice, there is a strong caution with regards to new expressions of faith, and this for good reason. School tends to be a little of both.
Basically, it's boiling down to three books. The first is my autobiography. I originally thought it would be called Life as I Feel It - An Autobiographical Exploration of Life As a Kinesthetic. Just this week, with the help of my tutor, I played with calling it Landscape of a Kinesthetic Soul. I like that one better, but the other one is clearer about what I would be discussing since the book is about every aspect of life, not just spirituality.
The second would be a more formal exposition on the research about ADHD, Learning Disabilities (which I would strongly argue should actually be called Learning Disorders, but that's an argument for another day). It would include information clarfying what it really means to be kinesthetic and also explore the effects of being extroverted in certain working conditions. It would discuss the use of analogous reasoning versus transductive logic (one of the reasons I seem to be coming out of nowhere sometimes). I think I'd like to call it Halogen Minds and the Lens of Rare Logic, but I think that title would be a little too confusing for most of the people I'd like to read it.
The third book is one I've joked about for a couple of years now. When I first found out about my ADHD, I frequently talked about my "broken brain". One day when I was thinking randomly, I came up with the title Theology of the Broken Brain. At the time I didn't know what the book would be about and to be honest, I never really thought I would write it, but as I explore expressions of my faith with my spiritual director, I realize that it is very different for me for a lot of reasons. I don't think I'm the only one since I've heard several discussions about kinesthetic prayer and things like it, but it's still a sensitive subject in a lot of circles. I think this one would be a study of what the bible has to say about mental disorders and unique personality types and a discussion of how to express faith in new ways without being a heretic. I don't think I am the final expert on the subject, but maybe my experience will have some impact on other people's journey.
So you're probably thinking "Oh here she goes again on another project". Funny thing is, this time, my tutor is helping me so there's a good chance I'll actually be able to finish it. I also feel like it's something God has been building me up for of late. He's giving me the skills to communicate my experiences and has put me in a place where it can be taken seriously. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see what comes out of it.
Now, if you didn't already think I'm a nut, you probably will now. The explosion of creativity didn't stop at the books. I have stopped trying to figure out why I like what I like. I just like it. Music is an amazing thing. I still feel right at home when I'm creating it. I have to do it differently, but I still love to do it. Last Tuesday I was sitting in my Music History class and we were studying the Baroque Period. I've done it before so not much of it was really news to me, but something new clicked for me. Remember that song I was writing a while back, called Surrender? Well, it came to mind while we were studying Baroque Opera. I've always thought the song would end up in a dramatic setting, but when I thought of it in a musical, it didn't seem right. Musicals seem to have a more comical feel to them. Even if they are serious ones. Surrender is more of an art piece. The vision of the precipice just needs something more than a catchy jingle. I pictured Surrender as the Aria of an opera. The recitatives would fill in the plot on my spiritual journey that is too hard to tell day by day and the instrumentals would move the setting from one time to another. The soaring melodies would reflect the emotional flights that happen with me and the musical accompaniment would give me the ability to include different feelings like when I am singing about how much joy I get from serving God, when the terror in my heart that I am going to get hurt is still there.
I'm SOOO looking forward to writing this opera. I also love the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm writing three books and an opera. Funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed. I know I can take my time on them and do it right and they will all get published in due time.
So do you have that look on your face yet? The one I was talking about? Cause here comes ANOTHER curve ball. In the midst of all this, I figured out exactly what I want to do as a teacher. I want to develop the skills of musicians at all levels by giving them an appreciation for all kinds of music. I want to help classical musicians tap into the creativity of the contemporary school and I want to help contemporary musicians tap into the rich history of the classical school. I want to open up an educational facility in South Calgary where musicians can come develop whatever skill they like. We'd have a focus on broader development through deeper self awareness as well as providing as many opporunities as possible. The campus would host an indie restaurant where students can perform contemporary styles as well as hold concerts where we can explore classical developments in music. We would have a recording studio that every student would have access to that lets them hear themselves and use it for further improvement as well as give those who want to distribute their music commercially a place to prepare it with skilled veterans that care about creating really good music. If you saw what was in my head, you'd probably think hippy commune, but I think of it as musical collaboration on a grand scale. It's something I have had to lay down at the altar and pray that God lets me do it. So far all is looking good, but we'll see what happens.
Well thanks for listening guys. I know its been another long one. I tried to write sooner, but like I said, I was having trouble posting from my ipad. I'm taking feedback on the things happening in my life right now so feel free to comment, email write or call. With not having to work anymore, I'm hoping to get back in contact with everyone.
Peace.
So I've made the jump now. I quit at TELUS on Friday. There were too many changes happening all at once that made it more and more difficult for me to continue teaching piano, going to school and working there. I made the decision this year that every decision I made would support a path towards becoming a full time piano teacher. That wasn't going to happen if I continued at TELUS. I gave my notice yesterday and they are paying out the two weeks instead of having me work it. Terrifying, but still the right thing for this moment in my life.
I have had an explosion of creativity in the last few weeks. It started with a comment my professor made last fall that someday I would write a book. I laughed it off at first. You guys have seen some of my writing here. I ramble, I talk too much and I make mountains out of mole hills. Most of my favorite ideas get lost in translation when I try to put it into words. I get wrapped up in the details and miss the important stuff.
Because of that, I didn't think I would ever write a book. Consult on a book maybe. Be involved in a film, more likely. Write a book? Not on your life.
Now, I'm not only writing a book, but three books. It started with trying to write a one page summary of the challenges I face. Between neurological disorders and odd personality types, I felt like I had a lot for managers, teachers or mentors to understand if they were to effectively coach me. The one page turned into three. I still didn't feel like I had covered everything. Last January, I thought to myself, "this is better suited for a book". The irony of it didn't strike me till later.
I started by making an outline/Table of Contents. I was trying to figure out what would be in the book. I started getting a better idea of what I wanted to include and what I wanted to say. Since most literature about my issues revolves around children, I wanted to create a guidebook for adults newly diagnosed with my conditions and exploring personality types like mine. I was going to talk about it in the context of adult experiences. The problem was, at the rate I was going, it was going to take an encyclopedia to cover everything I wanted to say.
I started breaking down the information further. There were three main environs my life took place in. Life in general, including interactions with my husband, family, friends and school, Professional life and spiritual life. Not that the information didn't cross from one setting to the next, but the significance changed slightly from one place to the next. Where creative means of managing oneself are readily accepted and for the most part even encouraged in professional life, in spiritual practice, there is a strong caution with regards to new expressions of faith, and this for good reason. School tends to be a little of both.
Basically, it's boiling down to three books. The first is my autobiography. I originally thought it would be called Life as I Feel It - An Autobiographical Exploration of Life As a Kinesthetic. Just this week, with the help of my tutor, I played with calling it Landscape of a Kinesthetic Soul. I like that one better, but the other one is clearer about what I would be discussing since the book is about every aspect of life, not just spirituality.
The second would be a more formal exposition on the research about ADHD, Learning Disabilities (which I would strongly argue should actually be called Learning Disorders, but that's an argument for another day). It would include information clarfying what it really means to be kinesthetic and also explore the effects of being extroverted in certain working conditions. It would discuss the use of analogous reasoning versus transductive logic (one of the reasons I seem to be coming out of nowhere sometimes). I think I'd like to call it Halogen Minds and the Lens of Rare Logic, but I think that title would be a little too confusing for most of the people I'd like to read it.
The third book is one I've joked about for a couple of years now. When I first found out about my ADHD, I frequently talked about my "broken brain". One day when I was thinking randomly, I came up with the title Theology of the Broken Brain. At the time I didn't know what the book would be about and to be honest, I never really thought I would write it, but as I explore expressions of my faith with my spiritual director, I realize that it is very different for me for a lot of reasons. I don't think I'm the only one since I've heard several discussions about kinesthetic prayer and things like it, but it's still a sensitive subject in a lot of circles. I think this one would be a study of what the bible has to say about mental disorders and unique personality types and a discussion of how to express faith in new ways without being a heretic. I don't think I am the final expert on the subject, but maybe my experience will have some impact on other people's journey.
So you're probably thinking "Oh here she goes again on another project". Funny thing is, this time, my tutor is helping me so there's a good chance I'll actually be able to finish it. I also feel like it's something God has been building me up for of late. He's giving me the skills to communicate my experiences and has put me in a place where it can be taken seriously. I'm really excited about it and can't wait to see what comes out of it.
Now, if you didn't already think I'm a nut, you probably will now. The explosion of creativity didn't stop at the books. I have stopped trying to figure out why I like what I like. I just like it. Music is an amazing thing. I still feel right at home when I'm creating it. I have to do it differently, but I still love to do it. Last Tuesday I was sitting in my Music History class and we were studying the Baroque Period. I've done it before so not much of it was really news to me, but something new clicked for me. Remember that song I was writing a while back, called Surrender? Well, it came to mind while we were studying Baroque Opera. I've always thought the song would end up in a dramatic setting, but when I thought of it in a musical, it didn't seem right. Musicals seem to have a more comical feel to them. Even if they are serious ones. Surrender is more of an art piece. The vision of the precipice just needs something more than a catchy jingle. I pictured Surrender as the Aria of an opera. The recitatives would fill in the plot on my spiritual journey that is too hard to tell day by day and the instrumentals would move the setting from one time to another. The soaring melodies would reflect the emotional flights that happen with me and the musical accompaniment would give me the ability to include different feelings like when I am singing about how much joy I get from serving God, when the terror in my heart that I am going to get hurt is still there.
I'm SOOO looking forward to writing this opera. I also love the look on people's faces when I tell them I'm writing three books and an opera. Funny thing is, I don't feel overwhelmed. I know I can take my time on them and do it right and they will all get published in due time.
So do you have that look on your face yet? The one I was talking about? Cause here comes ANOTHER curve ball. In the midst of all this, I figured out exactly what I want to do as a teacher. I want to develop the skills of musicians at all levels by giving them an appreciation for all kinds of music. I want to help classical musicians tap into the creativity of the contemporary school and I want to help contemporary musicians tap into the rich history of the classical school. I want to open up an educational facility in South Calgary where musicians can come develop whatever skill they like. We'd have a focus on broader development through deeper self awareness as well as providing as many opporunities as possible. The campus would host an indie restaurant where students can perform contemporary styles as well as hold concerts where we can explore classical developments in music. We would have a recording studio that every student would have access to that lets them hear themselves and use it for further improvement as well as give those who want to distribute their music commercially a place to prepare it with skilled veterans that care about creating really good music. If you saw what was in my head, you'd probably think hippy commune, but I think of it as musical collaboration on a grand scale. It's something I have had to lay down at the altar and pray that God lets me do it. So far all is looking good, but we'll see what happens.
Well thanks for listening guys. I know its been another long one. I tried to write sooner, but like I said, I was having trouble posting from my ipad. I'm taking feedback on the things happening in my life right now so feel free to comment, email write or call. With not having to work anymore, I'm hoping to get back in contact with everyone.
Peace.
Contact attempted
So I hate Ctrl-Z. I've tried 3 times now to post a discussion. Something keeps happening and I keep deleting it. One of them I was ready to post, I just ran to the kitchen to do something. When I came back, I missed a key stroke and accidentally deleted my work.
A post is coming, I promise. Especially with the recent employment develoments.
A post is coming, I promise. Especially with the recent employment develoments.
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