Friday 8 August 2008
So I'm back. The longest silences here usually indicate the depest work in my life. When I am going through major personal changes in my life, I get scared to blog about them. It can be overwhelming to think about how much I have changed as a human being over the years. I think back on the decisions I've made, the person I've been, the people I've blessed and hurt and My life is already fuller now than some people's lives will ever be. So you know how when you go skiing on an especially cold day, you wear a whole bunch of layers to make sure you don't get too cold? Well I have been doing some of that here. I peeled back the layers that were my manager that I had trouble dealing with, my eating, my weight, the things I was (and some that I still am) angry at my husband or my dad for. I peeled back the last layer this week. I opened up a layer that didn't reveal a new one. All it revealed was a very sensitive issue that couldn't be resolved in my life. I love my husband very much. He has taken so much crap from me, I don't feel like I ever have the right to ask anything of him. Unfortunately if I truly believed that, it would mean I am going to spend my life miserable. There are some things I need from my husband that are very hard for him, and I can't change them. I don't know what frustrates me more, the helpless feeling I get when I realize that Iam powerless to affect the man I love or the fact that I'm not getting what I want. Basically, everything in my lifecomes down to who is in control? I have to control every situation because that's the only way I can guarantee that I won't get hurt. The frustrating part is that when I try to talk to my husband about this, I get confused and bring up other issues that are just as valid and just as important, but they are not the real issue. I can't seem to resolve this. I want him to lose weight, but I am also overweight. He doesn't see any reason why he should lose weight as he has already gotten along fine the size he is (which is bull because he has trouble breathing, his back hurts and he can't stay on his feet for an extended period of time). He also sees that I am overweight and seemingly am not doing anything about it when I am doing everything in my power to change my eating habits. Imagine trying to stop drinking when you live in a bar. It's really hard to change the lifestyle you have. At this point I am crying because I have to let go of the dream I had for my husband. He will pick it up if he wants to, but it is not my dream to have. I am alone. If I want to lose weight, I have to make the choice to do it and accept the loneliness that will come with it. I will have to leave him behind the way he is and be okay with it if h never chooses to change. I am tired of looking in the miror and hating what I see. I could try to fall in love with myself, but I can't. Notlike this. I am obese and unattractive. I am also beginning to get sick because of the weight. My knees ache after only a few minutes of walking and I can't run more than a few steps with my entire body protesting. I have been scared to lose the weight because I will have to deal with men being attracted to me again and I didn't want to give my husband the competition, but I think I have to do this for me. I can't imprison myself in a body I hate just so he can feel secure that his wife will stay with him. I think he feels like no one else would have me the way I look right now and so I need to take that safety net (crutch) away. I visited my brother and sister in law today. She has also struggled for a long time with her weight. She has been on medications that made her gain weight. She changed the way she was eating and in the last 3 months has lost 30 lbs. She looks frickin fantastic. She's thin and elegant and I am so jealous. Ionly have one option if I want people to think that way about me. I have been cheating on my diet. I have been using a good menu, but I am doubling the serving sizes quite frequently. I am going to have to start weighing and measuring my food until I can retrain my body what proper portion sizes are. I don't love food, I hate food. It made me this size which made me undesirable to men. That was what I needed to get the wrong kind of attention off of me. Now that I know what good attention is and how to get it, I have one option. I need to eat properly. My doctor thinks it is going to take 2 years to get my weight down because he is trying to get me to figure out how many calories I need and then slowly lower it. I am determined. I am going to call the pharmacist tomorrow and find out if there is anything that would take away my appetite and I am going to eat everything on the 1500 calorie menu to the letter. Right now, I am 197 lbs. My end goal is 140. I am going to start with an easy one. According to my calorie program, if I stick to my 1500 calorie diet and walk on the treadmill for half an hour every day, I should be able to lose 2 lbs. by Monday. I will see if I am 195 on Monday. If thatworks then 2 weeks from Monday my goal will be 189. I am going to see how this works. I'll keep you posted.
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Hi Leah,
I have lost 50 pounds over 3.5 years and I still eat a huge amount. 3.5 years may seem like a long time but for the record the first 30 fell off of me in a matter of months, and as my body adjusted to my new way of eating the rest seemed to fall off just as easy. Denise has lost 30 pounds although she wasn't as big as I was when all this started. I can whole heartedly recommend some books which will change your life if you apply them.
It's not a diet, it's a new way of eating which will result in better health, feeling great and weight loss too. The good news is the food tastes fabulous so you don’t suffer cravings, definitely don’t need to count calories because everything you eat is healthy and life giving to your body, and once your body realizes that it is receiving all it needs in nutrients etc. then it begins the repair work needed and a large part of that is weight loss.
The first 2 are by Mary-Ann Shearer :
Perfect Health the Natural Way
Perfect Weight (this seems to only be available in SA at the moment, but Mary-Ann’s web address is , http://www.mary-anns.com so you can try to order it direct. Check out her “100 Days to health” his is an email to your inbox each day slowly easing you into a better way of eating, she includes loads of easy recipes too, and it’s not all long and overwhelming, some days are just two liners to keep you encouraged while you concentrate on the more fuller days of information that she has provided)
2nd is Dr. Colin Campbell
The China Study, a real eye opener
http://www.mary-anns.com/Perfect%20Health%20book.htm
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=mary-ann+shearer
http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_b?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=the+china+study
These books have transformed our lives !!
Also from a guy's perspective, we would never want you to ever be unattractive to other guys for a few reasons :
Firstly, we want you to feel confident with your “self image” and therefore confident in yourself, so if other guys find you unattractive then there is a good chance that we too may have the same measurement system. Confidence is key, and who can feel good about themselves when they are not happy with their body image. You are right though, this good image needs to be for you first, before it can be about anyone else.
Secondly, we also don't mind the competition because it makes us feel proud of who we have in our lives and we will fight for that person. Remember we are hunters so it's all about the chase and finally the prize, but if the prize suddenly "devalues" for any reason then that's not cool. We want someone else to say - "check out that girl", so we can go "yeah, she's mine !!"
If you make efforts to shape up and then tell your man that you want him to make himself attractive to you as you have done for him, he may well join you on this because he wants you to be proud of him too. Men value respect more than other things, and if you are having thoughts to the contrary then we will move heaven and earth to get you respecting us again.
We also really want you to feel proud of us too, so anything that makes you feel unproud, we will be working on.
This may sound very sexist and a bit superficial in a few ways, but I think that most girls may feel similar things towards their guys. I know Denise likes that I have lost this weight, it makes me more attractive to her and she likes to feel like she too has gained a worthy prize. It’s not the plastic Hollywood idea of image I’m referring to here, but rather a, “because I love you I want to give you the best of me in all areas” scenario. I know Denise has also felt proud when someone else has said something along the likes of liking me – and mentioned that this has been an indication to her that she has received a man of value and worth. Her being proud of me makes me feel proud of me and visa versa.
I realize this is a sensitive subject, so I hope I haven’t overstepped any boundaries. It is just that we have both walked a long hard road to get to the healthier place we are in now, and we found that it is as much a spiritual journey as it is a physical one. Denise has been wanting to write to you since your last blog post, but we are trying to set up a business at the moment and it has taken all of her time. We will send you some info that can help you, and keep you focused so you don’t feel so alone in this journey. Had we not had each other to keep us on track, I am sure it would have been more difficult to stick to what we sort of believed to be right at the time. There are too many voices out there and too many empty promises. So ANYTHING we can do to help you, please know we are both here for you as you take these bold steps.
Hope this helps and give your health your best. You deserve it!
Stephen
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