Wednesday 21 May 2008
My "Little" Quest
So my little quest is to lose 50 pounds. Not because I feel like I have to or because everyone wants me to. I want to lose it. I want to be able to wear the cutest dresses I see in the stores. Right now when I see something I like, I have to just keep walking because I know it won't fit me and that hurts. The problem is that When I hurt, I eat...alot. I can't turn to drugs or alcohol or sex or abuse anymore. God has asked me not to because they consumed my life. The problem is, that leaves me with nothing to turn to. I want to turn toGod when I hurt, but I don't know how to and by the time I realize I haven't I have already had a major binge. It doesn't help that when I am PMSing I feel like the is a hole in my heart th size of the grand canyon. The real truth is I don't want to lose weight. If I actually succeed at losing all of my extra weight, I will have to be careful about what I eat and that means I can't self medicate anymore. I would like to say I wouldn't need to self medicate anymore, but the aches and pains in my heart will always be there. I wishI knew how to get out of this cycle. I guess the next question to ask is "What am I medicating?"
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Hey Leah,
you are so not alone in hurting. I hurt and Denise hurts too. We too are trying to figure our the magic cure, but there really doesnt' seem to be one. Lately I have been getting words to popular songs coming up in my heart but knowing that I should change the words to a Christian meaning. Well I did this with the song I put up on my blog the other day, and I will go and put my own words up on my blog for you to read. Denise was praying for me the other day and then she had a word for me and then I went straight away and wrote these words. I cried like a baby as I did it and it was really good to do that cause boys don't cry... I'm trying to and it was great to really feel it for a change. All I know is that there is a lot of pain in my heart but I'm not really sure why it's there. I've learnt to ignote it too and just carry on, but neither of our approach is right.
I must also tell you about a expierience that I had the other day. Denise went on a ladies camp and so she left me for the first time ever. I have gone away on business, but this is the first time I was home alone. I went to worship Him and sang a vineyard song that has been doing it for me lately and also cried like a baby. But I got such a fright at the expierience that I ran away from God and eventually spent the weekend watching guy movies. But I know I'm running away and suposed to be doing better things with my alone time. i couldn't stop, i just carried on in my escape and it's taken me all week to come right again.
So you are not alone in this, and I really encourage you to face the pain as I have to because I really believe there is a freedom through that pain that will be totally worth finding. I keep on telling Denise (the devils really tried to stuff with her and make her insecure and rejected etc) and I tell her that one day when she gets through all these issues that she will make the devil pay for her hurt by helping others to get through the same problems. You and I are the same and worship is the perfect place for Gods open heart surgery. no anasthetic in His hospital though, I think He wants us present in life or we land up not knowing how we got there. You are trying to use food as an anasthetic, but then there is no doctor to opperate... Lets check ourselves into His hospital and get ourselves healed the right way - ok !! Then it's done once and for all. (Have you listened to White Heart - Highlands and Redemption? if not I have to send you some songs)
As for the food side, check the post above and our Healthy-Happenings blog, link on my blog.
I really hope this helps, I know having typed this out, I see it for myself and want to change my ways...
Later
Steve
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