Autumn Lea

So for almost 9 years now, I have wrestled with the most important decision I will ever make. I have already made the decision. I only wrestle with the fallout from that decision. What was it you ask?

Well, I think the better question is who was it?

Autumn Lea.

I wonder Autumn, do you really know how much I love you? I pray that God would let you feel this special love that I have for you. It's hard to tell you since you are so far away and still so very young. I miss you always. Every morning when I wake up, I realize that I could have woken up with you in my arms. Every meal I eat, every movie I watch, I know that if I had been more selfish, I could have done it with you beside me. Do you know why I found a new family for you? God showed me just how little I had to offer you. I had tried to live my life without His strength and instead of gaining for myself everything I dreamed of, I lost everything I ever wanted.

You were God's way of saying "Here's a second chance. Don't screw it up this time." He has walked with me every step of the way showing me what to do and what not to do. I still make mistakes and want to do things on my own, but ultimately God always reminds me that only with His guidance can I ever do good things.

Take a look at your life Autumn. You have a mom and dad who love you so much I couldn't imagine what it must be like to live with. I never knew if my parents loved me. Once in a while we would say the words, but in our family we didn't do anything to show other people. You have a sister who thinks the world of you. I remember when you first went home. I heard stories of how Alex wanted to help feed and change you. She wanted to burp you and hold you. She wanted to play with you. More important than anything else in the world to me, Autumn, is that she wanted desperately to love you. She considered it a priviledge. You are blessed my little one.

I thank God that the one thing that causes me the most grief in life is something you may not have to deal with. You know that you are loved. Because of what my life has been, I still question whether God can find it in His heart to love me. I wonder if I have been good enough, have I done enough good deeds, have I loved other people enough, have I entertained enough angels? Have I found favor, Lord?

As you, Autumn Lea, are my child, so am I His child. I pray for you as He prays for me. I hope for you as He hopes for me. I want to hold you as He wants to hold me. A precious child, so innocent in the eyes of the world. I pray the Lord would protect and guide you. May you live in peace under His strong wings every day of your life. May you know the love and grace in His heart that he extends constantly to you. May you know when you have erred and flock to Him who is able.

There aren't enough words in my heart to tell you how much I love you Autumn. The season you are named for is the one that you became in my life. Without the Autumn and the following winter, the Spring could never come. And it is here.